BLAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

this has been the dave update

hi there

been awhile

you look nice

let's make up?

ha ha

last night i had weird dreams

i kept bumping into this really awful guy i used to know

i won't say his name because i don't mean to talk shit

but he's just a super lame dude

every time i run into him in real life i always think of it as though it's a red flag

like

"oh fuck"

"that guy is here"

"this place must not be that cool"

"LATER"

but i kept seeing him at places

and it was like,

SERIOUS situations

maybe it was because i saw cloverfield recently

and maybe i just had a dream that was cloverfield

where everyone is a piece of shit

and it's rad when they all DIE

especially that STUPID FUCKING CAMERAMAN

what an obnoxious character

i would have killed him myself

seriously, that's the first thing i would have done

i wouldn't have even waited to leave that shitty party

i would have said "ALIENS? OH MY GOD"

and then just shot that cameraman in the head

if anyone objected i would say he was an alien, duh

but NO ONE WOULD

because i bet they all secretly hated him too

even though they were all fucking weiners themselves

ANYWAYS

that's all i remember about the dream

life is weird but i'm convinced that 2012 will be amazing

even if it's awful the world will end so who cares

i

hahahahahaha

i typed "i" there and then i went for a smoke break

no idea what i was gonna write there

anyways

that's all i've got i guess

good seeing you again

hope life is well

this has been the dave update

it's a good day

for selling rock

for selling rock

for selling rock

a gooood day

for selling rock

and i'ma have

a GOOD day

this has been the dave update

hi there

last night i got really stoned

watched some bbc comedy whose name i don't recall

has the guys from the mighty boosh in it though

then i played the banjo in the shower for awhile

i was fuckin WAILING

hahahahahahahaha

i really think that the image of me playing banjo in the shower

is REALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT

from the sound of me playing banjo in the shower

i think i'm still a lil stoned right now

some astrology chart said the best day of my year was last friday

i've decided that they are a week off

earlier this week i set my hair on fire and punched myself in the face for half an hour

today i am invincible

this has been a posthumous dave update

hi there

not actually an update

i just wanted to post this somewhere

this is from an e-mail where someone is trying to get us to buy their new cd

Ps. For The Record: We Can Write Anything! We Already Have A Thousand Killer Riffs! We've Already Shared Some Of The Biggest Stages With Acts Like White Zombie! Lynyrd Skynyrd! Steppenwolf! Cheap Trick! Overkill! Metal Church! Blackfoot! Dirty Looks! Childs Play! Crazy Train! Nazareth! Etc! Detroit Rock Bands Like Seduce! Halloween! Strut! Heavens Wish! Something Wild! Concrete Rattle! Bad Boy Plague! Trash Brats! Etc! Also Plenty Of Small Gigs! Began As "Red Machete" In 1980's Been Writing & Performing Since! Our Original Drummer Carl Toth Died Killed By A Drunk Driver One Month After 1st Full Length Album On Cassette Only! In 1988'! Red Machete Played Only One More Show As A Tribute To Carl In 1989'! The Surving Members Formed As Madhouse In 1990'! We Have Always Been A Trend Setter Not A Trend Follower So Our 80's & 90's Material Is Still Different Than The La Scene! However We Were Heavily Influenced By Many La Bands! Madhouse Released 1st full Length Album On Cassette In 1990'! w/ Jamie Devoll On Lead Vocals! 2nd Full Length Album On Cassette w/ AJ Micalleff On Vocals In 1993'! Signed An Overseas Record Deal And Got Burned In 1994' w/ Spin Records & Lead Vocalist Tony Taylor (RIP) Of Twisted Tower Dire! Jamie Formed Waysted Youth And Jammed With Roxx! Singer AJ Micalleff & Drummer Roy Barker Formed Sacred Realm! Doug Braun (Me! lol!) Started A Successful Business! Got Married! Had A Babby! Studied Law! Won Judgement Against Record Deal & Former Employer @ Deadly Chemical Plant! Retired Since & Owns Successful Internet Business! I'm An Artist, Writer, Frontman & Been Releasing My Own Records Since 1984'! Madhouse Returned In 2005' Just To Let The Internet Know Who We Are And That We Existed! Singer Jamie Devoll Became A Cop! And Rejoined Madhouse In 2005'! We Re Released Our 1st Album On Cassette Now On CD Known As Everything Kills! We Wanted To Break Away From The 80's 90's Metal Image! Prove We Could Throw Down With The Heavy Metal Of Today! We Released A Pretty Heavy Cd Titled (Thanks For Nothing!) in 2009'! We Wanted A Masterpiece But Due To Financial Restraints We Had To Let It Go Into Production! We Did Not Have Original Bass Or Drummer! Wayne King Or Roy Barker! But Overall It Still Kicks Some Ass! I Want To Share Madhouse With The World And Create Back To Back Masterpieces! And Hopefully Play A Major Role In The Return Of Rock n' Roll! Our Idols Are Either Done Or Dried Up!? The Death Metal Is Out Of Control! However We Love These Bands & The Genre! But, Regardless Of The Strong Support Of It's Loyal Followers!? It Is Scaring Away Customers Both Live & On Cd! My Guess Is 1,000+ ac/dc Fans to 1 Slayer Fan!? ( Just A Guess! ) Just Trying To Say The Few Are More Loyal Than The Masses For Rock Fans @ The Moment!? But The Masses Will Prefer Real Rock n' Roll! And We Can Deliver The Goods! Not Once! Or Twice! I Mean Endless Riffs! As For The Band Members!? If We Get A Label!? I'm Taking Pick Of The Litter! Lol! I Have A John Bonham & Rudy Sarzo Drueling Over The Position! But, Because It's My Baby! It's Been All My Burden! Financial, Musically! Etc! If We do Not Find Some Help!? Madhouse Can Either Slowly Submit A Few Songs @ A Time!? Quit!? Or Bankrupt Myself!? With A Label We Can Put Out A Dozen Killer Cd's In A Couple Of Years Not Including Rights To Master? Or Reproduce The Older Albums!? The Average Career For A Successful Band Is What!? 5 Years Or Less!?? Maybe 1 or 2 Good Albums!?? Maybe Only 1 or 2 Good Songs!? I Say It's In The Smart Label To Take A Longshot On Us! Worst Case Scenario It's A Tax Write Off!? . But, We Work Hard! And We Work Smart! All Advice Is Cool! But The Sooner We Get A Label!?? The Sooner We Can Prove I'm Not Talking Shit! Lol! We Put On Insane Shows! & Quality Music Over And Over Again! Thanks! Sorry If This Lands In Your Email More Than Once!? Just Learning There Is Almost As Many Labels As They Are Bands! & We Are Volnurable To Talent Scouts If They Only Do Death Metal!? Only Do Rap!? Only Do Pop!? Or The Major Labels Just Won't Listen To Unsolicited Material! Etc! Please Be The Next David Geffen! & Sign Madhouse! The Next Guns n' Roses!?? .. Smile! ; )

the dave update is still dead

but this is a much better send off i think

hi everyone

i think i'm over this

from now on if you want to read a dave update

please hit me up on gchat

ihateyourartschool

and i will write one for you on the spot

everyone knows my phone number by now

510 575 HISS

i might go back to writing them on my own if i get bored

but probably not for awhile

it's been fun

(not really)

this has been the dave update

hello

yesterday i worked for a bit

i think i need to re-shoot everything i shot this weekend

but it's mostly just because i moved too fast

YES i am AWARE of a thing called slow motion

but i don't really want to go nuts with it

hm

i think maybe only i know what i'm talking about right now

ever get so tired that you're not sure if what you are saying makes any sense?

i don't really feel tired right now but my mind definitely does

i had a dream last night where my friend cora made fun of how fat i am getting

am i getting fat???? this dream was news to me

it was a shitty dream too because i was getting emotional over it

(in the dream)

in real life i feel ok about getting fat

not really ok but i wouldn't get emotional if someone made fun of my weight i don't think

unless that someone was my belly

and that'd just be because of how weird that would be

i don't even know how that would work

oh!

i wrote a new dggba last night

i give it a b-minus to be honest

maybe even c-plus

not my best work but it's been awhile

if anyone else is in need of bad advice

DON'T call me

because i don't do that shit over the phone

e-mail me

ihateyourartschool

gmail

yup

SIGH

oh i recorded a little last night too

nothing special honestly

just some manipulated loop stuff

spacey and fucked

in a

mellllllllooooooooooooow

way

well

i can't think of anything else i want to talk about

unless i want to start obsessing over something i know i shouldn't obsess about

i'm starting to think the dave update is becoming too real

i'll think up funny things soon, i guess

WHATEVER

thinking of you

no, not you

YOU

this has been the dave update

hello

went home early yesterday, around like 1 or 2

felt bad

honestly just felt depressed

and not much different from how i feel today

but whatever

who cares

hm

whatever AGAIN

double whatever

i need a vacation

oh!

shit!

today is my business meeting

fuck

totally forgot

i'm gonna go chug some coffee because i feel dead asleep

ok

LATER

this has been the dave update

hello

i have a very uncomfortable thing on my neck

like a pimple that hasn't yet peaked

it's annoying

i almost wrote "the most uncomfortable"

but that's LAZY WRITING

the most uncomfortable thing on a neck would probably be something like red hot 90 year old testicles

the loose skin of the ballsac wrapped around your neck

like a flesh colored scarf with wirey stray grey hairs

and the balls themselves are BLAZING hot

so you have to go knuckle deep into this old man's ballsac

and find the balls and get them away from your neck somehow

why this old dude is wrapping his balls around your neck i don't know

i really went for it a little on this imagery

sort of

feel too tired to REALLY go for it

tonight i will be updating DGGBA for the first time in like forever

(dggba.blogspot.com)

(yeah, i have a lot of blogs, fuck you)

(i spend a lot of time alone)

(i realize that's what masturbating is for but i'm telling you)

(i spend A LOT of time alone)

god fucking damn it

my neck hurts and i hate everything

this has been the dave update

hello

my head hurts like CRAZY right now

someone reviewed the seven lies presents tape!

http://animalpsi.com/2011/09/hiss-babe-terror-–-‘preparing-a-voice-to-meet-the/

i don't know if it's a good review or not ha ha

but i like gown and kevin shields though

i don't know en or horseback

cooooooooooool

sigh

i feel good right now but a little conflicted

i'm totally not gonna get into it right now though

this weekend, let's talk WEEKEND

this friday i don't remember what i did?

oh no

i do

i got bummed and just stayed home

saturday we moved a bunch of stuff into our work room

which is AWESOME

and then watched a couple ryan gosling movies

for some reason

SIGH

fine

you caught me

because he's a DREAMBOAT

ha ha

actually i never really cared about him before but he's pretty on it

dude can act YO

cora came over and we watched movies and talked for awhile

it was great

then she got to christen our guest room

which hopefully doesn't mean she shit in it

i didn't check around or whatever

yesterday was great too

i went around and filmed a bunch of stuff

and then nathini and i hung out for a minute before she headed back to germany

i hope that she moves here in the not too distant future

this is a really dull update, sorry y'all

can i spice it up at all?

hm

NASAL SEX

damn

that was the best idea i could come up with

(that was an actual thought that came to my head)

(i actually asked myself)

("what could i do to make this more interesting?")

("maybe i should type nasal sex")

("in all caps though")

(so i did)

ok

nasal sex'll do it

this has been the dave update

hello

one thing i've learned as i get older:

putting a new jug on the water cooler is not as hard as it seems

i find it helps to pour a little into the water cooler first, before you make the "big flip"

helps prevent spills that is

also with omelettes and pancakes

you have to let one side cook for awhile

but you have to keep it moving a little

otherwise it sticks to the pan

not too early though

if you start fucking with it too early it loses its shape

which hey maybe you want to eat a fucked up looking pancake

also with tofurky fake sausages i really don't recommend a grill

they get way too dry

i recommend pan frying them

and covering them too

low heat

yawn

i think i am beginning to disappear

already i'm noticing things missing

this is how it starts

hello

is this what james blake sounds like?

apparently it is

hm

i've heard him before but i actually like this

the other stuff not so much

EWWWWWWWW

never mind

this is awful

fucking auto-tune

anybody who thinks that they have a new original and cool thing to do with auto-tune should just go and get fucked

i'm dave gulbis and you can fucking quote me on that

BRING IT ON T-PAIN

ok

today i do feel like talking

i made an appointment with a therapist

i'm not eager to go back to therapy but i definitely need to

plus my new therapist's name is dr jane christmas

phd

which i feel like i can get on board with

she's british though, or at least foreign

she's british though, or at least foreign

she's british though, or at least foreign

she's british though, or at least foreign

(that line sounds funny to me)

she's british though, or at least foreign

so i may wind up chasing my troubles away with a song and a spot of tea

we'll see what her advice is

i hope i learn to fly using an umbrella

it's raining today so that would come in especially handy

i mean just hovering would be dope

you wouldn't step in the shit and piss rivers

UGHHHHH

james blake just said "i could drink a case of you darling"

FUCK OFF

"you taste so bitter and so sweet"

FUCK OFF

at what point are you just blatantly mining cliches to sound "heartfelt?"

i mean "i could drink a case of you darling" is WELL beyond that point

maybe it's foo fighters?

"breathe out, so i can breathe you in?"

that one is pretty bad but i think it redeems itself by following it with "hold you in"

then it just sounds like a weed song ha ha

not that weed songs aren't corny

in fact weed songs i think take the corny cake

weed songs are part of the reason i stopped smoking weed

and then spacey trance music is probably the reason i started again

YAWN

she's british though, or at least foreign

not a great dave update but at least it's new

james blake sucks and this has been a new dave update

take care

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

hi there

i don't want to talk today either

i always feel like i should at least TRY and say something

so i'll tell you that lately i've been going onto the live chat section of sfsuicide.org

it's weird but it's someone to talk to

even though your conversation topics are fairly limited

last time i got in a long involved conversation about cognitive dissonance and how life is (or is not?) a movie

before that i totally got dissed

the person on the other end was like

"well dave i have to go, feel better"

even though we didn't talk at all

hm

that's all i can talk about right now

this has been the dave update

hi

nope

this has been the dave update

hi there

sorry, i don't have anything to talk about today

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pulsewidth/

that's all

this has been the dave update

ok

i just wrote one of these but i have nothing to do at work until our computers get back up

i don't understand what i've been doing wrong

but i can't get happy about anything right now

i had practice last night and i didn't care

oh also i had practice yesterday but i didn't care

last night we watched youtube videos of big band performances

and then i saw this cool video of some group "poeme electronique"

which i guess i'll listen to now

because what else am i going to do

i don't know what to do

young davers

i don't believe that i'm capable of anything

i mean

the only reason i have a job is because we're absurdly understaffed

and my boss knows it'll be more of a pain to hire one or maybe two people to replace me

plus he'll have to pay unemployment

but i can't do this job at all any more, can't handle it

no one here really gives a shit about me anyways

i've spent like 3 or 4 years with these people and i think that's long enough for all of them to have "figured me out" ha ha

ha ha ha ha

that's where most people make friends you know

i read that somewhere

so it's probably true

why am i fucking writing this right now?

fuck this fuck this

sorry young davers

this has been an unnecessary and worthless bonus dave update

hi there

i feel miserable

BIG FUCKING SURPRISE

who even cares

hey!

i have an idea!

why don't i fucking write about it?

that'll help me "sort it out"

you know, in my head

and then i'll feel a little better

plus by "puttin it out there"

the internet will let all my friends know that i'm having trouble right now

and then they'll get in touch

because they care

this is gonna be EASY

and i will totally feel like life is worth living after this

because people are kind to me

here in san francisco

god fucking damnit

ok

fuck this

this has been another fucking dave update and there will be another one and another one and another one

oh shit

this might be the one

here it comes

darlene?

i'm coming for ya hun

this has been the dave premonition

hello

strange day yesterday

everything is strange

that's a lazy adjective

let's see if i can do better

yesterday was a day full of conflict

hm

that sounds more interesting but it's probably not that accurate

hm

hm

hm

yesterday was a mixed bag

ups and downs

it's strange how extended days feel lately

i really like it

you know when you do a lot in one day

and you say to yourself something like

"wait, did we go sledding today or was that yesterday?"

"seems so long ago"

bee tea dubs where can one go sledding around here????

that sounds fun right now

510 575 HISS if you know a spot

i'm seriously disappointed in the lack of action my phone has seen

seriously, this number has been posted a lot of places

maybe i should switch to bathroom walls

oh!

on that note!

SWIFTUMZ is STEALING my SCHTICK

on the cover of the swiftumz record

there's a sticker with his phone number

which wouldn't annoy me

EXCEPT

i bet people will call him

DAMN YOU SWIFTUMZ

THIS MEANS WAR

i bet swiftumz will be one of my search keywords now

yesterday i saw "what is the dave update?" on there

which i thought was hilarious

oh

by the way

super, extrme, gnarly, overgrown bushy, hairy hairy pussy

(just want to make sure i'm still the first stop for that search keyword)

i wish i hadn't copy/pasted the whole text message from live 360 or whatever

because that stupid url is filling up my search keywords

hm what else

oh!

well...

nevermind

i was told today that i look older without a beard

which honestly bummed me out a little ha ha

shit, phone

phew

did i already talk about phantom gchats?

i think i did

i just wanna talk with someone today at work

not to like talk about SOMEthing in particular

just because conversations make the day go by more quickly

it's a FACT

i wonder what happened to that it's a FACT girl?

from kids in the hall?

i'm gonna google "what happened to that it's a FACT girl?"

RIGHT NOW

which i guess means i am technically live-blogging right now

hm

no real results

strange

apparently her name "might be" Erica Lancaster

like

the most definitive thing i could find was a comment on a youtube video

that said she "might be" Erica Lancaster

hm

google erica lancaster and it sends you to erica fairfield's imdb page

which doesn't have a picture

this is HARD

nardwuar, how do you do it???

ok

i want a bagel

if you are the "it's a FACT" girl from the kids in the hall

i thought you were very funny

and would love to know what you are doing now

510 575 HISS

ok

thanks

this is apparently the 193rd dave update

hi there

heyyyyyyy

new zola jesus

cool

MAN

last night

while in bed

i had an idea for today's dave update

TOTALLY forgot it now

i think it might have been about how i'm 29 and still have a total baby face

kind of

it's like a baby face from far away

and then close up i just look like shit

ha ha

but like

YOUNG shit

i just shaved my beard

which seriously lowers my age by like 5 or 6 years

i'm gonna get carded for a couple weeks now

whoaaaaaa

new zola jesus is going for it

i like it but it's a little weird

i mean not really

i don't know

nick and i were talking about the new girls record the other day

(hi nick!)

and i was telling him i didn't really care about what i heard from it

because it just sounded so live, it sounded like a live rock record

not in the way it was recorded

just in the way where

hm

it sounds like the songs are "made to ROCK" in a live setting

in a bad way

this new ZJ sounds like that in a good way maybe?

but i don't know, volume swells are a little generic but these ones have layers

bah

i'm gonna stop trying to explain why i like or don't like what i like or don't like

STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

last night was really odd

there was some strange tension when i got home

and something in me knew "STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT"

so that's what i did

but then i was like

"well"

"what the fuck else do i want to do?"

last night was actually a bit of a bummer

i just didn't want to do nothing

so i just cleaned my room

which actually felt pretty good this morning

i love when you wake up and forgot you cleaned

and now, later, i'm gonna go home and it's gonna be clean

y'all wanna hear a kind of silly thing i do?

don't worry it's not gross

so remember in LA Story?

when steve martin's shitty girlfriend is explaining her theory about accessories?

of course you do, oh, what's her name again

marlo something?

marla something?

WHATEVER

not sarah jessica parker and not that british lady

but she says that she'll get ready

and then go to the mirror and turn away from it

when she turns back to it she takes off the first thing she notices

i do that when i'm rearranging

i go outside and then walk back in

and see what i notice and what i like and what i don't like

it's a little silly but it works well

i also do other silly things

liiiiiike hm

i don't know

lately i don't microwave stuff unless i have to

that's not really that silly though

hm

i thought i was supposed to be "quirky"

isn't that in my life description?

where are the silly things i do???

sudoku doesn't count

oh i have a really hard time tipping someone when they're RIGHT THERE

except bartenders because it's so standard

i would have a really hard time not tipping a bartender when they're RIGHT THERE

but like baristas or whatever?

it's so awkward!

especially if you sort of know them? because you've been coming in a lot?

today the barista at the cafe on my corner

(5th & homeless jack-off alley)

(in case you wanna google it)

noticed that i shaved my beard

she told me it looks good and said my name

that second part sounds innocuous but it was strange

because i know someone else's name there

but not hers

and she definitely doesn't know my name from me

things that make you go HMMMMMMMMMMM

so

only last year

did i realize that people MIGHT talk about me when i am not there

it came to me because of something a now ex-friend said

it was actually a totally rude thing to say

which in light of how our friendship ended should have been something of a red flag

i'm not going to say it here

actually you know what?

fuck it

i am going to say it here

because it's something else i have an opinion on

he said that he and someone else were talking

and they both agreed that i was "super into the ladies" or something like that

which i know on paper doesn't really sound that rude but i was really offended by the way he put it

i don't know, it pisses me off that i apparently have something of a reputation for this

because

while i'm not going to pretend i'm not interested in women

and i'm maybe a little over-eager to make a connection with someone

(please note)

(if i meant "get laid" in that last sentence)

(i would say "get laid")

(it sounds corny but i said "make a connection")

(because that's what i want)

(SO THERE)

but i don't know, i feel like if you have a reputation for being "super into the ladies"

then you sound like a womanizing horn-dog

AND I'M NOT

besides

i haven't been on a real date in like welllllllll over a year

so take that, "reputation"

sorry to get distracted by that but that's a pretty sincere frustration

i don't care much about what people think about me

i know people think i'm a sap or dense or a wide variety of things

but i just don't ever want to be seen as someone who uses anyone

i just think that's a fucked up thing, male or female

ok

should i even tell the story about learning about people talking about me?

i've been typing awhile

who cares

i haven't had a good long dave update in awhile

so anyways

i don't know, it really only registered to me this year that people might talk about me when i'm not around

because for one i don't think people ever did before

i mean probably not in arizona

no one gave a shit about me in arizona until about 3 months before i left

3 months before i left MAN i was hot shit

ha ha

not really but i just met more people and "widened my social circle"

and then i left and people probably said stuff like

"did dave leave already?"

"too bad"

"he owed me money"

"guess that's $5 i'll never see again"

but last year was the first year i ever heard someone talk shit about me with me not there

i mean WHY BOTHER san francisco?

that's like tripping a cripple

hm

this direction isn't really the well of creativity i'd hoped for

although i do like the way tripping a cripple sounds out loud

ok

this is probably enough

i like this new zola jesus

this has been the dave update

hi there

life is weird

i had such a boring weekend

i was into it for awhile but i felt a little useless afterwards

we went to folsom street fair to take pictures

i dressed as shitty as possible

i wore sweat pants and a tie-dye donald duck shirt

i kept on trying to get some stains on my pants but they were surprisingly quick drying

in either case

my concept for the outfit was that the folsom street fair doesn't represent my sexual lifestyle

that sexual lifestyle being "stoned and lazy"

we tried to throw together a whole motto and parade and what not

but fuck that shit

instead i watched like 2 seasons of Party Down

(which i guess is all of party down)

and then cleaned the living room some

we finally installed the final support for the loft!

that's exciting news to me

which means it better be damned exciting for you too

PUNK

it also means i need to start hitting up craigslist again

for some free furniture up there

oh wow

found some cool design tables

i love the free listings

anyways

life is weird

it's hard to reconcile the differences between the life you imagined for yourself

and the reality of this life

i for one thought i'd not have a beard

but some things you just can't plan for

but seriously folks

right now i'm thinking about how you yourself actually do make your own life

but it never works out exactly right

i'm thinking about this right now because i know that i want my life to be different

and while there are certain tangible things that i want to happen

i don't really know what in the way of a "broader" change is possible or desirable

i feel like i'm not really hitting the nail on the head here

are these the boring dave updates?

i've talked about this before i think

bah

i have to work

if anyone has any good creative ideas

for what's next in the life of dave gulbis

please call

510 575 HISS

and i will give you 10%

and 2 points

deal?

that's a pretty generous deal

you'd be a fool not to take it up

ok

i love you

for real this time

this has been the dave update

hello

tick tock tick tock

upstairs i can hear footsteps and water

it goes through pipes in my room

sounds like a river peeing

that might look like a lazy metaphor but it's not

that's how it sounds

don't blame me if you haven't heard a river peeing

you've just never been in my room i guess

BLAHHHHHHHHHH

i'm tired of talking in circles

this has been the dave update

hi there

it's dave

hello

i'm feeling weird right now because i'm POSITIVE i just heard my little gchat thing go off

as though someone were talking to me

VIA THE INTERNET

what a brave new world

but i looked on there and saw NOTHING

i even searched my mail for "chat"

to see if i'd accidentally closed it

NOTHING

nothing new at least

annoying

that's like the new phantom ring for me

i always keep gmail open at work

and at the bottom of the screen

so you can always see if you have new mail

or if someone's chatting you up

but i always have to do double takes

it's EXACTLY like a phantom ring

not exactly but close

OK

JEEZ

WHAT A STORY

anyways

"theo"

i remembered!

i also sent myself a reminder that said "e-mail dan savage about sensitive man dick syndrome"

but that's ANOTHER story

hahahahahaha

i thought about explaining it because that sounds so fucking weird

and it's not at all

but fuck it

it's funnier to let you figure out what that means

i got really stoned last night, i was having such great ideas

just getting really creative

we watched "singapore sling" which i'm going to google right now

because it was genuinely MIND-BLOWING

like, unreal how good it was

wait here

ok

apparently it won some awards but was also banned in a bunch of places

it was seriously great

really really filthy at times

like, a woman fucks a dude tied to a bed and then vomits on him

BUT

i swear to you it's totally good beyond that

maybe i should have said despite that but that scene was kind of amazing

i kept on thinking throughout it that i wanted to write the director a letter

that's all

BUT

before we started watching singapore sling

i was sitting down with my roommate

and i've been kinda wanting to talk with him for a bit

just because i feel like something's up

i don't want to get into details

but i was sitting down

kind of rehearsing how i was gonna bring it up with him

(in my head of course)

i was thinking of stuff like "hey man, you doin' alright lately?"

"just wanted to check in, cuz like, you're my bud an'all"

"if things got ya down, we can talk about it, you know"

"i mean if you just want to kick it that's cool too but..."

"i'm here for you man"

that kind of stuff

but when he came downstairs to sit next to me

i thought to myself

"well, is this gonna work? is this gonna be helpful?"

and then i thought about the way i had been "saying" it in my head

and all i could think was "it might work but...."

"just don't talk in the 'theo from the cosby show' accent"

i don't know which of my many personalities chimed in with that insight

but they were RIGHT ON

the whole time in my head i was definitely doing it in the theo accent

and THEN i couldn't STOP doing the theo accent

so i couldn't even talk to my roommate

this is why i can't talk about feelings you guys

not because i'm embarrassed

i mean i don't know if anything embarrasses me any more

probably some things but nothing important i guess

but i just really like doing accents

hahahahahahahhahahaa

i don't think this is funny to anyone but me

but holy shit is it funny to me

maybe you had to be there

and by "there"

i mean "me"

not everyone can be so lucky

ha ha ha ha

this has been the dave update

hi there

BONUS DAVE UPDATE

but actually not right now

cause i'm stoned as hell and can't remember it quite right

but remind me if i don't tell it tomorrow

and this will help me remember

"theo"

ok

this shit better be this damn funny tomorrow

this has been a rare but exciting dave "teaser"

hi there

i had all these deep thoughts last night while i was cooking

but nothing coming to mind right now

i'm too tired today

i actually just cancelled the public practice scheduled for tonight

because i just hadn't put any effort into it yet

and it just seemed,

i don't know

like a wrong time i guess?

i just thought about it and was like

well

these are usually fun for me

but i really think staying in tonight sounds like more fun

just bein' honest

i started to write "so much on my mind right now"

but then i realized i had written "nothing coming to mind right now" earlier

like, "technically" the sentence prior to this one

not that these really count as sentences but i'm just trying to make it sound like a very small gap

anyways

what i MEAN

i suppose

is that because i've been thinking about a whole buncha junk

i don't really have anything that i'd like to share

maybe this is what people mean when they talk about overthinking things

like

if you think about something too much

you exhaust your ability to deal with it

not like deal with it like actually do something about it

but deal with it like hear about it

like when that bus tipped onto me and nearly crushed me

i spent 3 hours thinking to myself

"how am i gonna get out of THIS one?"

but then after thinking about it for awhile i was like

"fuck this, i'm sick of thinking about this stupid bus"

so i just lifted it off of me and walked it off

i DEALT with it because i couldn't DEAL with it any more

should i wait for a moment for you to process that story?

pretty mind-blowing, don't i know it

...

...

ok

so if you exhaust your ability to "deal" with something

then you only really have one viewpoint

because instead of bouncing thoughts off other people

your one thought keeps racing around your head

like a superball ricocheting in a very small room

(that thing's gonna take an eye out bee tea dubs)

and then you get sick of the stupid superball and just "lift the bus"

so to speak

but sometimes there's a better way

like, i don't know, maybe i should have driven the bus off me or something

this metaphor is losing steam

but what i mean is that when you overthink things

you close yourself off to outside input

or i mean fuck maybe just I do that

maybe this ain't YP but MP

i never understood that stupid phrase

who the fuck says "sounds like that's YP and not MP"

sounds so dumb

oh!

i watched dazed and confused last night for the first time in awhilllllllllle

shit is soooooo goooooooood

ok

now i'm distracted and thinking about dazed and confused

now i'm gonna go smoke a cigarette

ok

check ya later

this has been the dave update

hello

last night was pretty killer

after a long day of work

GOD

they are all long days of work

anyways

we had waste rig practice and it sounded great

then i went to amnesia and suzy sounded incredible

sooooo gooooooood

the visuals were predictably RAD too

can always count on suzy to make something look cool

it was just a fun night

THAT'S ALL

i'm a little concerned today

i have like a weird lump on my wrist

it feels like a bruise but it's not really discolored

it's just raised a little

not even really like a lump either

just mildly swollen

oh also i bumped into nick stone last night

i'm mentioning his full name

because i bet that he got home

and wondered to himself

"does this mean i'm gonna be in tomorrow's dave update?"

not EVERY time nick

but yes

this time

congrats

i think i need to start doing these at home some more

it's been busy enough at work lately that i can't really WILE OUT on the updates

got shit to do

can't get all distracted thinking about life and shit

these records won't get lost in the mail by themselves

(these e-mails however can actually be ignored by themselves)

THAT'S ALL

IT'S OVER

this has been a non-wiled-out dave update

hi there

yawn

WHAT A WEEK

oh

coffee's probably ready

LORD KNOWS I COULD USE IT

AFTER A WEEK LIKE MINE

hm

i felt like there was a joke coming there

but clearly it's not looking good

ok

maybe coffee will help

ok

ladies and gentlemen

(like enough people read my blog for those to be plural)

here is some insight into the enigma that is DAVE

when i went to go get coffee

out of nowhere i thought to myself

"fuckin music critics"

"lil brats who idolized their stupid english teacher"

"nothing is original but you can at least try to not emulate some obnoxious teacher you probably only liked because you had an annoying crush on her"

then i got coffee

all this was spurred by looking at like, the first sentence of a pitchfork review

"But the story of British avant-rock band Disco Inferno certainly proves how hard it could be to try something new in the days before the internet allowed you to get your music out to a worldwide audience without the cost, financial and otherwise, of widespread touring, album production, and distribution-- all that supposedly 20th-century baggage."

FUCK YOU YOU PITCHFORK WEINER

UGHHHHHHHHHHH

who the fuck writes book reports in their spare time

who the fuck listens to music because they want to better understand the difficulties of "trying something new"

fuck talking about shit that you do instead of talking about because why would you talk about something that's no fun to say?

i don't know why i feel so proud of that last sentence

i just re-read it and it doesn't make much sense

oh well

i'm sticking with it

ok

i really hope one of my search keywords this week is "FUCK YOU YOU PITCHFORK WEINER"

two more things

one

my legs won't stop shaking lately

two

fuck

i forgot two

hm

yup

gone

my bad

that'll do it

this has been the dave update

hi there

uh

i don't know

i could talk about a lot but really i should work

yeah

i know

the dave update has been subpar lately

maybe i should tell a joke

what do masturbation and procrastination have in common?

they're both fun until you realize you're just fucking yourself

i am confident that the dave update will again return to its former glory

but right now i have had a friend in town and for whatever reason i only feel like writing when i have more time to myself

until then young davers

until then

this has been the dave update

hello there

i went home sick yesterday

ok

so

it sucks being sick when you have a guest in town

because even in this case

where my guest is sick as well

and all we did was watch episodes of newsradio

and harold and maude

(she'd never seen it!)

(holy diver i cried BIG TIME at the end this time, jeebus)

(i never caught before that maude was a holocaust survivor!)

(also apparently there's a scene cut from the movie)

(where they made giant letters from driftwood)

(to spell out the words "FUCK WAR")

UGHHHHHHHHH

i still feel GROSS

but these bitchy e-mails don't answer themselves

but anyways

i just feel bad because my friend is visiting the city

and we've gone here and there

but ultimately i think we've just spent a lot of time smoking weed and watching tv

i mean we made it to bay area 51 one night

and also the beach, etc

i still feel like i'm slackin on the whole "painting the town red" thing

but i also feel like shit

so what can you do

ok

i don't really have brain power for a long good classic dave rant

oh

here's a story

i have a friend

named christi ginger

hope she doesn't mind that she's been outed as a friend of mine

she was actually an ex

so if anyone is coming to my blog

because they searched for "dirt on christi ginger"

510 575 HISS

i got all the dirt you need

ha ha

JUST KIDDING

snitches get stitches

and christi was always super sweet, even when she dumped me ha ha

ANYWAYS

she has a unique sense of humor

which frankly i was always blown away by

she's INSANELY creative

and we don't really talk much any more

so rest assured that this isn't me just building up some friend of mine

christi ginger is hilarious

MOVING ON

this story is taking forever

christi works at twitter

and has a funny picture for her avatar or whatever the fuck

(i don't get twitter)

it's her wearing those new year's eve glasses

the glasses were for 2010 i think?

and both the zeroes were the eye holes

but it was for 2011

so christi put a "+1" on the glasses

i thought it was really funny

so when i was still on twitter

i tweeted at her

"i love your picture, classic ginger!"

and she wrote back

"thanks, yeah, my face is pretty classic me huh?"

this story might not be funny at all

please remember readers

I DON'T OWE YOU SHIT

also my head feels like it is full of nitrous

so sue me if my christi ginger story wasn't funny

later

this has been the dave update

hi there

i am definitely sick

oh well

also

if you ever want to get rid of a canvasser

canvassier?

whatever

just tell them "i've got priors"

they leave you alone

did i say that already??

am i repeating dave updates?

ugh

i blame the ocean

this has been an under-the-weather dave update

hello there

i think i'm getting a little sick

but it's cool

cuz i already ate some garlic

so i should be FINE like RIGHT AWAY

SIGH

let's sit down ok?

that's better

so now

the dave update

let's start there

where is this going?

i have no idea

stick with it for a minute though

ok

hm

it's hard to stick to a concept you don't understand

and don't really care about

i've forgotten about this dave update like 3 times now

someone just hit me up on gchat but i was hitting esc at the same time

so i just closed that window

i hope it wasn't a super old friend

who was writing me from

BAH

i don't feel like making a joke

i feel good

outside of being sick and tired

ha

sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED

I JUST MADE THAT SHIT UP

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS DAVE UPDATE?

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THIS HAS BEEN THE DAVE UPDATE

hi there

well now

interesting week thus far

the bats RULE by the way

god

already music has me feeling good

though maybe a little uncapable

i listened to martin newell this morning

and of course HE'S great

but now the bats are really doing it for me right now

ha ha

there's this buzzer that goes off in our office

i actually don't know what it does

but it sounds exactly like the family feud sound

you know the one

"survey says?"

then that big ol' X hits the screen

NO

YOU IDIOT

YOU'VE EMBARRASSED YOUR FAMILY ON NATIONAL TV

anyways

it went off as that last bats song was coming to a close

and

oh

fuck this story

the end

that story was just going nowhere

takes a brave man to admit when he's just rambling

can't wait for that bagel to finish toasting

i should start a twitter account for every time i think about food

ha ha ha

i typed that in

and then my bagel finished toasting

so i got up

and thought to myself

"this is a good idea"

but by the time i got back i had already forgotten what i'd written

and i re-read it

and i no longer think it's a good idea

because it would just be a list that said

pizza.

crackers.

egg salad sandwich.

i hope that when i die it says "internet sensation" on my tombstone

ha ha ha ha

in fact young davers

consider that a demand

when i die it better fucking say "internet sensation" on my tombstone

i just changed my gchat status to internet sensation

but i should change it to "internet sensation" because i think it's funnier in quotes

DON'T FORGET THE QUOTES WHEN I DIE

also

FUCK THE NEW RAPTURE

jesus christ

in the cornball high school movie that is life

the rapture is like that annoying kid

who, after you spend all night trying to figure out how the fuck to do the dougie

you go to the dance and the rapture comes up to you as you're NAILING the dougie

and says

"the dougie? lame"

"everyone's doing the worm now dude"

it's like

they were on fucking gravity

and now this "how deep is your love" song sounds like "100% pure love"

shit SUCKS

fucking pathetic

so says dave gulbis

"internet sensation"

(if i start ingraining it in your heads now it's more likely to stick)

god yesterday's dave update was so good i'm gonna go read that shit AGAIN

see you nerds later

this has been the dave update

hi there

this is a quick one

really just a thought i had

and felt like

"hey maybe if i put this thought on the dave update"

"no one will complain about how much the dave update sucks lately"

so

i've been seeing a lot of news articles about clothing that is apparently offensive

the latest one i saw was about a shirt that says "skool sucks"

but before that i saw one about "i'm too pretty for algebra" or something like that

every article i've seen about them makes me think the same thing

"man"

"i really want one of those shirts"

i DO!

because skool does fucking SUCK

fuck algebra, everyone is too fuckin pretty for algebra

everyone who is in school right now is stupid

and everyone who hasn't dropped the fuck out already is a NERD

that is all

this has been the best dave update i've ever written

hahahahahahah

IT'S TRUE

hi there

too tired right now to talk

maybe later but i have a guest in town so probably not

we'll see

this has been an entirely-too-common non-dave-update

me: oh mother fucker
i just sat directly on my penis
how did that happen?
that was painful
oh god
stefan: you make me happy
me: hahahahahahahahaa
i'm posting this conversation in the dave update because my entry today was pathetic
ugh i can still feel it in my gut, i didn't know you could do that

hi there

well

hm

i don't know

probably not

this strikes me as a good time to try the "view random post" button

this has been the dave update

hi there

weird day

already

woke up this morning at 6

couldn't get back to sleep for an hour

i hate that

i am the worst at waking up

i can only wake up when i'm in someone else's bed

i was actually thinking about this last night

waking up in someone else's bed is probably the only time that i wake up and feel good

i just always wake up and feel TIRED

but if i'm in someone else's bed it's like

"hello there, where am i? who are you? this is new"

that makes it sound like i get amnesia every morning

does one "get" amnesia?

maybe one "suffers from" amnesia

is amnesia even the right word here?

hm

WHATEVER

anyways

i saw something really great on the way to work

this dude yelled down an alley

"ain't you got something better to do than play in the water?"

then he just started cracking up

so i looked down the alley

and there was a cop

with his feet in a puddle

and the most sheepish, guilty look on his face

i called it the "that may not have just been a fart" face

that was funny, that was a good start to the day

then someone called me an asshole for trying to turn left on my bike

and those good vibes went down the tubes

oh well

maybe he meant it as a compliment

this has been the dave update

hello

sorry

i don't even know why i said hi today

i don't feel like talking to you or anyone

yesterday i was eating pizza

and i just dropped it and started crying

i mean what the fuck?

how bad is my life that i can't fucking eat pizza?

how pathetic is that

so

fuck this

fuck you in fact

fuck everything

fuck pizza

this has been the dave update

does this work right now?

let's see

stupid fucking internet

stupid fucking everything

this has been the dave update test post

hi there let's hope this works this time i made the mistake of "updating" blogger now i don't know how to use it and it doesn't seem to notice when i skip a line fuck you internet, no joke you were supposed to be such a good thing but now everyone is horrible and it's your fault that's right it's the internet's fault sigh another day another dollar i don't think i want to talk about anything any more or at least not right now this has been the dave update

hi there for some reason blogspot looks all weird right now hope this still works otherwise that's a big chunk of my time down the drain i mean i have what we in the blog world refer to as "MOMENTUM" right now ha ha i'm already over this joke this joke is horrible today is not my day yesterday i bought a rug for $2.25 today i feel a little under the weather and completely unmotivated to do anything so dave update there it went say bye bye this has been the dave update

hi there

sometimes i write the dave update at work

(usually actually)

because i feel good about getting paid to write it

(even though i'm actually paid to not write it)

but i always wanted to be a writer in some capacity

so i figure if i can technically say i'm getting paid while writing these

then i can check PROFESSIONAL WRITER off my list of things i'd like to be

today i am smoking while writing this

and even though it's on a laptop

i feel like i can probably check BEATNIK off too

that's one of my favorite clean songs btw

i think it's the clean at least

if any readers can confirm or deny

that number again is 510 575 HISS

am i taking too much pride in my phone number?

probably

not really the beatnik way i suppose

next on the list is secretary i think

i really do honestly want to be a secretary

i love being patronizingly friendly

and having a job that isn't important at all

NOT THAT SECRETARIES AREN'T IMPORTANT

i don't need any angry letters from secretaries

i just don't think anyone really views it as a calling

(except for me)

(because i think i'd be really good at it)

(i've gone on long enough i hope)

(that you all realize i'm not joking)

ok

not often i do weekend dave updates

but i just rearranged my room

and i feel better today

that's all

this has been the dave update

hi there

i put a "view random post" link on here

i encourage you to click it

but maybe you should do it after you read this one?

up to you i guess

last night i met a homeless guy named stuart

he was nice

he was NOT into what i was playing though

he left like 2 seconds into my jam

which was fair enough, sounded a little weird last night

it was a cool spot though

i forgot my power strip

and stefan went back home to grab it

and stuart came along

we hung out for a bit

WHATEVER

who cares

fuck this

go click the "view random post" link

maybe a day will come up where i gave a fuck

this has been the dave update

hi there

bonus dave update

it's not exciting though

i was having a conversation on gchat

and i was bitching about shit

(BELIEVE IT OR NOT)

and i wrote a rant but deleted it

because it's pointless to just complain to someone

especially when you're like me

and you're so fucking blockheaded that conversations are pointless

but i figured i would post it here

because maybe someday i'll go back and read it

and remember exactly how i feel right now

for better or worse

so

here goes:

"i'm broke and in debt and don't make enough money to get any footing, i hate my job but don't really have any other options, and even if i could get rid of these two problems that don't really stress me out THAT much there's so much other shit. i can't find any way to be happy, i just feel like a miserable person without any real place to fit into."

now i click "publish post"

and then nothing changes

this has been the dave update

hey there

two nights ago i got into a conversation about "constructive reality"

hm

two nights ago i got into a conversation about "constructive reality"

today i don't really feel like discussing it

i'm worried

for a lot of reasons

and i don't want to talk

all i want to do is sleep

fuck this

this has been the dave update

hi

when i was about to move to california

someone rear-ended me

(no jokes, you)

it screwed up my move completely

totally his fault though

i was stopped at a light

and i looked in my rear-view mirror

and said "hey i think this guy is gonna...."

BOOM

i made the most embarrassing sound when it happened

it was like "ehhhhGAHHHHAHHHHAHHAHA"

exactly like that

"ehhhhGAHHHHAHHHHAHHAHA"

it just sounded kind of retarded

but i am kind of retarded so maybe it was appropriate

anyways

i had all this money saved for when i got here

but i just stayed in arizona while my car got fixed

and went on dates with my now ex-girlfriend

wait

unrelated

FUCK

why did i buy the french vanilla soy milk??????

god FUCKING damn IT

they should make the slogan for this

"bringing 3 am truck stop coffee....to YOU!"

ok

that wasn't even funny but whatever

"it's gross" is what i'm saying

anyways

i spent all the money i'd saved up

this story is boring

the french vanilla joke is better than this story

ugh

i'm worthless

this has been another worthless dave update

hello

today feels rocky already

drinkin coffee though

the best twitter account i've ever seen

just has one tweet

and that tweet is "eatin macaroni"

i mean, does that person understand twitter or what?

that should have been all we heard about twitter

"eatin macaroni"

i don't think i should write in this right now

i feel bummed out

last night was weird

i mean not really

nothing is weird

oh to hell with it

this has been the dave update

hey there

HOLY SHIT

i'm stupid tired

i could not get to sleep at all last night

i wrote a song a long time ago

well

not really wrote

i don't know

let's try this agian

i have this song called "they keep us awake"

and it's about when you have too many ideas for something

but you can't do anything with them for whatever reason

so you just stay awake until 6 in the morning thinking about all the things you want to do

last night was one of those nights and i HATE THEM

i mean it's cool to have ideas and be excited for them and everything

but it's just annoying when you just want to tell your stupid brain to shut the hell up

HEY

HEY IDIOT

THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP DOWN HERE

FUCKING JERK

where's my broom?

buncha animals in this damn body

i like writing the dave update

even when it's like yesterday and it pisses me off

i was reading this blog entry from louis ck

because i watched the last episode of louie and knew that it was probably based on a true story

that's what i really like about that show

it's just so real, real in the way memories are

it stays consistent with his comedy in that way

(sorry i'm like brain dead right now)

(these words aren't coming out so well)

(anyways)

i just really appreciate the lack of "ambition" that's consistent with his work

i put "ambition" in quotes because it's not really the right word

i just mean that he's not really trying to blow your mind

he's just trying to tell you about something that happened or something that he thought would be funny

THAT'S IT

he's not some asshole who's trying to blow up or some shit

i feel like to be a "good artist" means that you're really self-aware

and you have a great idea of what you want to happen

and then you do it

i mean that sounds simple for a reason

ANYWAYS

god so many tangents

anyways, his blog

he was talking about doing the USO tour

and how scary the black hawk helicopter rides are

and he got to a point where he was like

"ok just ride the fear"

(those are probably my words and not his)

but it was about sort of acknowledging that you're scared but rolling with it and enjoying it for the pure feeling of it

that's sometimes what the dave update does for me

rarely but sometimes

usually it's just an opportunity to tell dumb jokes

but sometimes it gets me thinking

and that's usually good

even though everyone tells me i think too much

and i stayed up all last night because i couldn't stop thinking

ugh fuck this shit

this dave update is OVER

this has been the dave update

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

it's sundayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

and the first day in two weeks i haven't had to workkkkkkkkkkkkk

so i'm stoneddddddddddddd

and i'm trying to go to amoeba so i can finally get my dad's birthday present

but fuck itttttttttttttttt

i'm hanging out listening to the urinalsssssssssss

i'm gonna get up soon

oh fuck i want a burrito from that place by amoeba

THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST DAY OFF EVER

ha ha

probably not actually

i've had some good days off

i had one day that i took off where my wife and i just laid in bed all day

well like half the day but still

it was great

it was when i was still living in arizona

and i lived with my brother on the end of some street whose name i can't remember right now

i loved that street though

it was the only place in az you could go

that didn't look like arizona

huge trees grown out over the street

my window had a great view too

we woke up and it was raining

man that room had the best light when it was raining

really cold but good

very dark but still sort of cozy

i mean the apartment had like cinder-block style walls and 70s carpet

does that sort of sum it up?

works for me

we got up and watched the rain for awhile

i skipped class because i mean come on

and then when i told her i was skipping class because it was too nice out

(arizona rains are really nice in case you don't know)

(it's not like super gloomy)

(well)

(sometimes it is)

(but it's less cold)

(it's a place where it's nice to walk in the rain, you know?)

(i don't do it out here as much)

(too windy and cold)

i went and made coffee and she called in to her work

and then we made out a bunch and watched the leaves fall in the rain

god this is such a fucking jeffrey brown moment

but whatever it was great

after awhile i think we went our separate ways

i don't remember what i did, maybe i did go to class later

think i probably had my night class that year

that class was the worst

i think it was "critical thinking"

(YOUNG DAVERS)

(THIS STRIKES ME AS THOUGH IT MAY BECOME A LONG RANT)

(THERE IS PROBABLY NOT MUCH BELOW HERE OF INTEREST)

(PROCEED WITH CAUTION)

critical thinking was the worst fucking class

it reminded me of philosophy of language

because it was so god-damn nit-picky

i mean both philosophy and psychology require really sterile, precision language

(of the type which i am CLEARLY a master)

(i mean i guess i'm probably SUPPOSED to be)

(since i have a BA in psychology and a minor in philosophy)

(graduated cum laude, no joke)

(well, one joke)

(asu is the joke)

(i graduated with honors and if you asked me what i learned i really wouldn't be able to tell you)

(it's ironic that my mom was a teacher)

(because somewhere along the way)

(school just became some sort of a game that you were forced to play)

(and all you had to do was get a good score)

(and then you could stop i guess?)

(seriously, the only thing i learned about was how to take a test)

(i got amazing at that, still am pretty good)

(for one, i think i can get at least a C on any multiple choice test)

(no matter what it's about, i bet i can get a C)

(every question is meant to instill a point in you)

(so every answer is meant to have some sort of a...)

(hm)

(i'm gonna call it an "AHHHHHHHHH.....!" factor)

(maybe a "eureka" factor?)

(neither of those are great terms for it but fuck it)

(this is what counts for precision language at arizona state)

(so if you figure out what point the question is trying to make)

(then you'll figure out the answer)

(here's an example)

(albeit a bad one)

(let's say it's a history class)

(and you're studying the holocaust)

(and they ask you a question like:)

(how many people died in so-and-so concentration camp?)

(that's a question that's meant to convey the weight of the event)

(so it'll likely be the highest number)

(i mean that's a pretty easy and convenient made up example but it's pretty much all i learned in college)

(i took tests on books i've never read, languages i never really studied)

(i mean i took fuckin LATIN in middle school, it was required for some reason)

(you think i speak a word of latin?)

(i don't even know how to say "fuck no" in latin)

(there ya go)

(i'm trying to think of a better example of multiple choice stuff)

(i had a math teacher, freshman year of high school)

(gave the hardest multiple choice tests i've ever taken)

(would also post everyone's score on the board after each test)

(he was intense)

(he'd give you a really complicated problem)

(and all of his answers were meant to derail you)

(they were based off either simple math errors or wrong steps in a multiple step problem)

(which sounds pretty standard but i mean in math you can really set up some traps if you know what you're doing)

(that was probably the only class i ever studied for)

(i get bummed out about that now)

(it's weird to have such a nerdy personality)

(but no real knowledge)

(i mean i'm overanxious and i think too much)

(but i also still believe stupid shit)

(like i'm looking at this thing that i built)

(it's an extension of a cupboard that i found)

(i keep my records on it)

(it is CLEARLY about to fall apart)

(i mean i made it while drunk and with wood that i found)

(i had NO IDEA what i was doing)

(but it's been through 4 or 5 moves and is still standing)

(and i feel like if i just believe that it's fine)

(then it's fine)

(maybe that's the reality i prefer to live in)

(i don't know why i used the word maybe up there)

(i just like happy accidents i guess?)

(i like the idea that knowledge isn't such an inherently "good" trait)

(everyone thinks it's important to collect knowledge)

(even if it's exclusively about things you're interested in)

(you should know MORE about it, all that it is)

(i don't know if i always agree)

(i mean i feel like i SHOULD agree)

(but somehow i just don't)

(maybe that's me being contrarian but whatever)

(contrarian?)

(comes up as mis-spelled)

(but it's right)

(my spell check is retarded)

(sometimes i feel like wanting to learn is the same as wanting to conform)

(especially with art stuff)

(it's like why would you want to learn about it when much of the point is to see what you can invent with it?)

(i mean i get that the more you learn the more you can use to further your inventions)

(can't build a fuckin iphone if you don't know how to...)

((ha ha ha ha ha))

((i was trying to think of a simple part of building an iphone))

((but i'm so ignorant about that shit that i can't even think of a single thing that needs to be done to make an iphone))

((DOUBLE PARENTHESES))

((THIS IS GOING TOO FAR))

(can't build a fuckin iphone if you don't know how to change a light bulb)

((HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH SOOOOOOOOOOO DUMBBBBBBBBBBBBB))

(but who wants an iphone anyways)

anyways, critical thinking was just another bullshit,

"let's-debate-about-what-we-made-up" class

i sound like such an anti-intellectual in this rant

i'm really not

but i think there's a certain point where

in academics

we cross a line between

using our language to express what is possible though hard to describe in the world

vs

basing our studies of what is possible in the world on shit we just made up

like if i see 4 apples

and you ask how many apples

i use my skills in math and english to help you verify what is "true"

(god i make up the dumbest most simplistic examples)

but if you ask me if i'm feeling more Kantian or Kafkaesque today

i could write you a really fascinating essay on the interplay and overlap of Kafka's bleak literary themes and Kant's work in metaphysics and how they could potentially merge into one unified mood

(i actually had to look up Kant on wikipedia for that bit about metaphysics)

(that counts as a minor at arizona state)

but who in the fuck is actually going to be curious as to whether i feel more Kantian or Kafkaesque?

this isn't poor sad dave talking either

i think that if you are a person who has ever wondered if someone feels more Kantian or Kafkaesque then you are a person who needs to live a little more

i mean i don't actually think that person exists

where is this going???

jesus

how long have i been here?

i mean there's not even music playing any more

and this urinals cd is long

who the fuck am i talking to anyways???

...

i am a sad sad person

who just spent an hour of his life

debating about something

that he suddenly can't recall a detail of

and has no idea why it seemed important to do

i watched a movie called "you won't miss me"

because i related with the title

but it was really just disappointing

it wasn't horrible, it was okay

but for whatever reason after it was done

i just left the theater and thought

"whatever else i do tonight or ever"

"has as little importance as that movie"

i still think that's true

for you too

this has been a mildly schizophrenic dave update

PS:

i know that schizophrenia has nothing to do with dissociative identity disorder

but see what academics do?

they make a word mean something it definitely doesn't mean

UGH

this has been an obnoxious dave update and it's ruined my day off

hi there

day #13

if this count makes it to 20 i'm gonna LOSE IT

ha ha

ok

BACK TO WORK

this has been the dave update

hello there

it's me

hm

i wrote such a long dave update yesterday that i don't have anything to talk about today

and lately life doesn't hold many stories

unless sleeping through my alarm counts as a story

let's just lie here instead okay?

we don't have to talk

i just want some company

should i put a record on?

ok

i'm putting on a record

the same george-edwards group record i've been listening to lately

not the "archives" one that just came out even though i think i might like that one more

38:38

no, let's lie on the floor

this rug's pretty clean i think, it's fine

i'm gonna put on mood lighting

because i just want to lie down and not think like at all

you can put your arm around me if you want

but don't get any ideas

...

this is nice

i'm glad you came over

we should do this more often

oh i love this song

...

yeah you can smoke in here

...

...

oh sorry i kind of dozed off a little there

i never do stuff like this

i feel like life is such a non-adventure lately

we should change that

i've been trying to do more different stuff lately

but it's not really the same alone you know?

i mean i always do stuff alone so i guess i just ASSUME that it's not really the same

whatever, i'm just glad you're here

do you like this record?

well let's watch something then

i don't know

you pick

oh!

we downloaded parker lewis can't lose just recently

yeah, and it's totally a vhs rip too

looks great

even has clips of some commercials

"parker lewis can't lose is brought to you by: Clairol Nice & Easy"

hahahahaha

wanna watch that?

yesssssssssss

i loved this show as a kid

i used to race home after swim practice so we could catch it

and then american gladiators came on afterwards

i really wanted to be on american gladiators

i remember i used to go over to my friend's house and play "assault"

i think that's what it was called

the one where you have to run from spot to spot

and try and hit the target above the gladiator

who is shooting like tennis balls at you

my friend lived near this country club

or in this country club

or something like that

he was loaded, i don't really know the context

but he had a room in his house that was really long

and had a staircase on one side

so he'd stand up on the staircase

and throw tennis balls at me

(we got the tennis balls from the country club's courts)

(you're welcome for that alliteration by the way)

and he had like nerf dart guns

i would leave the room and he would hide them behind couches and obstacles

and then i'd come back and have to find the guns and try and shoot him

dude cheated a LOT

but it was still fun

obviously we didn't get to do this when his parents were home

he had a crazy dog

jay was his name

his dog was part wolf

kinda scary to be honest

don't remember the dog's name

his sister was cool too

katie

wonder what they're up to

...

well

it's getting late

this was really fun though

i'm glad you came by

uh this weekend i'm probably working

but we can find some time if you wanna hang

cool

alright talk to you then

byeeeee

(see?)

(look at all the fun you could be having with me)

(we don't even have to listen to that record)

(i have SO MANY records to choose from)

(ha ha ha)

(all of this could be yours)

(any of yours)

(510 575 HISS)

(if no one calls me this weekend)

(i'm going to beat someone up)

(ha ha ha)

(ok)

this has been the dave update

hi there

so much to talk about

it's been awhile since i've had time to do a legit dave update

i could talk about the squat eviction party i played on monday

i could talk about the shitty morning i had the other day

i could talk about that picture i posted of me in a suit

i could talk about how it feels to have a disgruntled reader

i could talk about how this is my 11th straight day at work

(these are all like 9-10 hour days, mind you)

i could talk about re-reading a jeffrey brown book recently

and wondering if he is too nerdy too enjoy

(i don't think that he is TOO nerdy but sometimes it is distracting)

(plus that dude meets a lot of ladies for some kid who always whines about girls)

(cheer up jeffrey brown)

(things could be worse)

(you could be a blogger instead of a comic book writer)

(also you could have a weird obsession with parentheses)

(i mean i read a story YOU WROTE about some girl)

(who wrote you because she liked your work)

(and then drove out to meet you at some comic convention or whatever)

(my readers?)

(they gang-up on me with all their weird internet voices)

(and tear me apart because what?)

(i miss like not even a week of writing or something?)

(this is dave update #160 for christsake)

(read the fucking archives)

(and don't complain to me about free shit)

(ha ha)

oh!

i could talk about the guy i saw the other day

i think i will talk about that

i was biking to work

a little bit late

and as i was approaching a corner that i turn right on

(folsom i think)

(parentheses)

i look on the sidewalk

and there's this construction worker there

i mean i assumed he was a construction worker

he could have just been a guy in a vest

but he was rockin some mean shades

and he had a J-J-J-J-JACKHAMMER

that was on and running

but he was just leaning on it with one hand

like it was a light post or something

and he had a cigarette in the other hand

dude looked so cool

he was ROCKIN a JACKHAMMER as though it were a CANE

and some people don't look great with canes

BUT THIS COLD MUTHA

looked dope with A JACKHAMMER

i mean talk about fashion forward

ha ha ha

i don't even really know what that term means

WHY IS IT NOT FRIDAY YET?

i just realized that it's on thursday

and when i go to soccer cafe to get a croissant

THEY WON'T HAVE ANY

because it's not croissant THURSDAY

IT'S CROISSANT FRIDAY

AND TODAY ISN'T FRIDAY

fuck i'm actually upset about this

ok

ok

calm down

i could talk about being so depressed that i had to take multiple trips to the bathroom

so that i could sit down on the floor and try not to cry

for reasons i didn't even understand

though it was suggested that perhaps i was on my period

...

sometimes the simplest explaination is the right one

i could talk about a lot of stuff really

there's a lot on my mind lately

i could talk about how shitty the artwork for this new magazine is

(but i'm trying to be less critical)

(even though i actually did in real life just talk about how shitty the artwork for this new magazine is)

(i won't say the name to be polite)

(and because the name is awful too)

(probably a good magazine though)

bump

bump bump

*chik*

that's how all fucking songs start these days and it's ANNOYING

i could talk about being fed up with san francisco

and really life in general

i could talk about how i don't really know what to do with myself lately

and all the trouble i'm having with really simple things

i could talk about mysterious bruises

and a mole that has popped up on the back of my neck

i could talk about how

even though i've been doing it this whole time

this whole "i could talk about..." pattern really isn't going anywhere

i keep on thinking about how i'm gonna break out of it but all the ideas i have are just dumb

am i really going to say "i COULD talk about these things"

"but i won't?"

i mean how dumb is that

i could talk about a lot of things

but when i talk a lot

it makes me want things

and i think i need to stop doing that

because what i have now is as good as it's ever going to get

you know what?

i could talk with you about any of these things

and really a lot fucking more

i mean we could talk about the other day

when someone at the all star hotel got a new little puppy

who is ADORABLE and really small

and they were playing with it and it started to run off

and it ran surprisingly fast

because seriously, TINY dog

and the owner was calling its name

but it's a puppy so i mean she doesn't know it yet

(i say she because i'm pretty sure she had a bow in her hair)

(sorry to be heteronormative but with dogs that stuff is more for recognition than social conditioning)

(anyways)

anyways

it wouldn't stop

so i ran up and stopped it before it ran out in the street

and brought it back to the owner

and we had a little laugh about it

and then yesterday i was leaving work

and i saw the owner and the lil puppy again

i just gave the owner the "i know you" nod and got the same in return

and then i looked down at the puppy

who was looking at me with her little cute eyes

and the little bow in her hair

and smiled at the dog

and kept walking

and then i heard running footsteps

and i turned around and the owner had grabbed the dog

because the little puppy turned around and started to follow me instead of her owner

my heart melted a little

see?

i could tell you that story

or like 65 others

510 575 HISS for fucks sake

you think i'm writing long rants on the internet because i have an active social life?

you think these rants are coming from someone who is fulfilled with what they have in life?

i mean FUCK

how many times do you have to give your number out on the internet

before you start getting some weirdos and creeps calling you?

you disappoint me internet

but if there's anything i'm used to it's disappointment

(or being grumpy and negative for no good reason)

(i'm used to that too)

(parentheses)

this has been the dave update

if you have any complaints about it you know the number

hello

no time

headache

life sucks, etc

this has been the dave update

hello

no time really

life is weird

this has been the dave update

hello



this has been the dave update

hi

this has been the dave update

hello

i had a dream last night

where i was entering midheaven orders

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

all work and no play makes dave a dull boy

this has been the dave update