hey y'all

don't mean to gloat

but TEN STRAIGHT FREECELL WINS

IN A ROW

whut up nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ladies

unemployment has been very productive

i saw the "puppy episode" of ellen

tried FIRE ROASTED peanuts

and i've gotten like, REALLY good at masturbating

been trying a new two-handed technique

i don't recommend it for beginners

but if you can pull it off?

(no pun intended)

shit is GOLD

it's like two depressing people

are fighting over who gets to hold your depressing penis

if your hands are out of sync it helps the illusion even more

this has been a brief but thoroughly repulsive dave update and i'm sorry i wrote it

hey guys!

great news!

the honey nut cherrios bee is getting a make-over!

!!!

also apparently nelly is still alive?

HEY!

MUST BE THE HONEY!

can i get a hash-tag up in this bitch?

this has been an exciting dave announcement

brought to you by #nofuture brand kill-yourselves

#nofuture brand kill-yourselves

for when you've really gotta go!

ha ha

this has been my new favorite dave update

hi everyone

been a minute

nothing really to report

all i wanted to say is i don't understand what my roommates see in miley cyrus

i don't get it

it's probably "ironic"

but i don't even see the irony?

i don't ever want to hear party in the usa again

IT'S NOT FUNNY YOU GUYS

i mean, maybe it is funny?

but i just have known so many white girls that it's not funny any more?

it's like when people karaoke"bohemian rhapsody"

the first time it's like WHOA good one bros!

and then every other time it's like CAN YOU PEOPLE PLEASE QUIET DOWN

i'm trying to read

ok

that's all

fuck everything

this has maybe been a passive aggressive dave update?