hello everyone
been awhile
BUT WAIT
i can explain
for months now i've been wanting to take a picture
of me jumping out of a cake
to celebrate the THREE HUNDREDTH DAVE UPDATE
WHICH IS THIS ONE
YOU ARE READING
*RIGHT FUCKING NOW!*
i know right?
so exciting al roker sharted
HEY
for the record
i think it's FUCKED that people are making fun of al roker for sharting
i mean COME ON PEOPLE
for ONE
as i have learned as i get older
ADULTS SHIT THEIR PANTS
IT FUCKING HAPPENS
not to me yet
YET
fucking YET
it WILL happen someday
maybe even today
hm
except i don't have to poop right now
WAIT
i don't want the 300th dave update to be a rant about why it's ok for al roker to shit his pants
al
you look great
we love you
and everyone who is poking fun at you will get theirs
(likely by shitting their pants in a particularly embarrassing situation)
(KARMA BITCHES)
been watching a lot of party down lately
KARMA ROCKET
ha ha
you get that reference if you have been watching a lot of party down lately
OK
so i wanted to take a picture of me jumping out of a cake
but shit was like, too much work
ughhhhh
workkkkkkk
grosssssssss
so instead i'm gonna just tell my new favorite joke
BUT STAY TUNED
because it's my 300th dave update
BUT YOU GET THE PRESENTS!
why?
BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING GENEROUS MOTHER FUCKER
THAT'S WHY
FUCK!
i mean why even ask that question????
now you're making me feel weird for giving you all shit for free
like it's like a weird thing to do
like when you're at a restaurant and you're like
"hm maybe i'll try a little ketchup on my eggs"
and the person you're eating with is like
"ew, why?"
and you're like
"oh ha ha um i was just kidding"
"gross, right? wouldn't that be um, gross?"
but SECRETLY
you thought it might be good
GUESS WHAT YOUNG DAVERS
it IS good
and i'm giving you presents
AND DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
don't interrupt either
so many people keep interrupting me lately
and i've decided i'm gonna call people out on it
and i'm gonna call people out on it
by saying this:
"HEY!"
"i'm dave d'estroyer"
"shut the fuck up"
"cuz i got some brilliant shit to say"
"have you written 300 whatever-yr-stupid-name-is updates?"
"NOOOOOOOOO"
"so put a sock in it mr president"
i hope that's a search keyword
i hope people google "put a sock in it mr president"
and find my blog
i also hope those people are not in the secret service
OK
my new favorite joke
is maybe the second dumbest joke i've ever written
i'm gonna tell the DUMBEST joke first
even though it doesn't really work as well in text
it still works sort of i think
"i wonder if the people at NPR's All Things Considered"
"have ever considered replacing the horn sounds in their theme song"
"with fart sounds"
"because technically that's a thing"
"and i really think they should consider it"
"'hello this is ari shapiro and welcome to all things considered'"
"FART FART FART FART"
"FART FART FART FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT"
"(FART)"
"'but first, this morning's headlines'"
OK NOW THE SECOND DUMBEST JOKE I'VE EVER WRITTEN
"i think it's likely that the day i was born"
"the doctor woke up and thought"
"'i don't know why but i get the feeling'"
"'that today's gonna be a really shitty dave'"
BOOM
TWO DUMB JOKES
for the price of FUCKING NONE
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 300 UPDATES
YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME
call me today
510 575 HISS
and congratulate me on 300 dave updates
and if you do i will let you know where i am celebrating
and if you join me everything is ON ME
because i'm dave d'estroyer
and i love you
and i have more money right now than i normally do
and i don't really expect anyone to call
but you bet your boots i'll be somewhere
eating mozzarella sticks
and asking people if they know who i am
THIS HAS BEEN THE 300TH FUCKING DAVE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
