* this coming tuesday i will be doing a live dave update reading *
* this is my introduction *
* don't read it *
* or do *
* idk *
* live your life *
hello there
i am dave
i write the dave update
the best blog on the internet
it's true
go ahead and read all the other blogs on the internet
told ya
i can say confidently
that the dave update is the best blog on the internet
because honestly i don't think it's really a compliment
it's kind of like being the best dried cranberry in the trail mix
ew
thanks sunny for asking me to "perform" tonite
and sorry for accidentally sending you on book tour
tonite i'd like to read for you
some highlights from the best blog on the internet
as well as give you some details
about an exciting investment opportunity
but first
i am doing a dave update
AS WE SPEAK
well
as i speak
quiet down back there please
the dave update is a blog i have written for maybe 6 years
that was created as an indirect way of realizing
a life goal that i had no real desire to "work" towards "accomplishing"
that goal being becoming a *professional* writer
i had and still have no idea how to make people pay me for writing stuff
so i just started writing the dave update
while on the clock at my desk job
BOOM
professional writer
it's that easy
i guess
i really enjoy writing it
mostly because i really enjoy talking to myself
but doing this makes it feel like i've accomplished something
sometimes the dave updates are a little aimless
sometimes they tell jokes
this one is going to tell a joke
as a way of "breaking the ice"
and then i will get to the highlight reel
ok
this is sort of a true story as well as a joke
i work as a bartender at a venue
and one night a group of customers came up to the bar
and i said
"hey what can i get y'all"
one of them got sort of excited
and asked
"are you from the south?"
and i replied
"uh no, why do you ask?"
she said
"oh, you said y'all so i figured maybe you were from the south"
i replied
"no i say y'all because i don't like to assume the gender identity of strangers"
and she said
"oh so you're from the bay area"
THESE ARE THE JOKES PEOPLE
get comfortable because here comes a lot more where that came from
this has been a not really live dave update
