hi

i'm not going to talk today either

here's a story

a couple years ago my parents came to town

right around christmas

and the day they arrived we went to dinner

and it was tense

just tense

uncomfortable

we were all on guard and i was not comfortable

after dinner they went back to wherever they were staying

and i freaked out

for reasons i don't totally know

but i went out to a bar and was still freaking out

went home and felt horrible

called people but no one answered

went to work the next day still in a wild hole

wild like manic maybe?

manic panicked

i was seeing a therapist back then and i just happened to have a appt with her that day

i went in manic panicked

(which doesn't mean i had red hair or whatever)

(even though i did a long time ago)

(i liked it but it turned pink really quickly)

(and it was while i was in az so literally anywhere i went someone would shout "fag" at me)

(anyways)

anyways

i met with my therapist and she got very "concerned"

and decided i should go to the hospital

i went with her to the emergency room

and after i checked in i realized that this was a bad idea

for a variety of reasons

so i started talking to people about wanting to leave

and this is something they don't tell you about the hospital

if the ER doctors think that you are a danger to yourself

they can hold you for 72 hours

it's called a 51-50

and you can't leave

i've been thinking about this lately

because my parents are back in town

and if this happened again

if i freaked out and needed someone to calm me down

nothing would be different

nothing will ever be different

i am what i am

and what i am is unlikeable

not unlikeable really

i think people "like" me

but i think people also know that they shouldn't get to close for me

and it's probably a pretty good call on their part

bruise won't heal

bruise won't ever heal

me and the bruise

going on a cruise

staring at the sun

looking for no one

hut butt smut cut

blah blah blah

this has been the dave update