hello

it seems like lately the dave updates have been either annoying political rants

or dream recall

this one will at least begin as one of the latter

last night i had a dream where i was in some sort of a group

maybe like a focus group but sort of more useful

like we were actually doing something that we wanted to do

for some reason we ordered pizza from domino's

i remember even saying "wait why are we ordering from domino's???"

but whatever

FINE GUYS GET SOME SHITTY PIZZA

SEE IF I CARE

but when it arrived there was a bunch of stuff in there that we didn't order

the one thing that i remember was that we got a box of shrimp that we didn't order

i imagine they were probably breaded shrimp but who really knows

um

i was hoping i would remember more to this dream

but i guess that's all i have

i feel HORRIBLE today

not like mentally horrible

physically

physickally

i don't think i have any allergies but i imagine this is what it feels like when you are allergic to air

headache, kind of delirious

but not delirious enough to remember fever dreams apparently

nor am i wearing a big ugly red leather suit

was that delirious?

or wait

that was raw i think

what's the other one?

delirious right?

am i even spelling that right?

fuck i have to look this up

yup

eddie murphy "delirious" quotes

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

GOOD ONE EDDIE

now do another 20 minute riff on faggots

maybe that'll make people forget about norbit

norbet?

norberg?

FUCK THIS

this has been a delirious dave update

hello

don't worry

this will be brief

i just googled the following:

"i feel as though i am something less than human and i'm missing an evolutionary component necessary to make friends and build relationships"

the top ten results are widely varied

you could do it yourself but it'll probably be different every time

for one this page will probably come up in the results

so i'm listing them

FUCKING DEAL WITH IT

1 - The Gift of Anxiety: 7 ways to get the message and find peace....

(this is an article on "tinybuddha.com")

(that ends with the quote:)

("all you had to do was listen...")

2 - Speculations about early life

(this blog post has a disclaimer:)

("This blog post is composed of speculative ideas and any resemblance to actual scientific findings is purely coincidental. ")

3 - Beware, Tech Abandoners, People without Facebook Accounts Are "Suspicious"

(from forbes.com)

4 - why i am no longer a christian | watch free documentary online

5 - the ulitimate guide on how to get a girl back | girls chase

(girlschase.com???????????)

(that sounds AWFUL)

6 - Do Women Masturbate as Often as Guys

(from datalounge.com)

(the description is "... crane alive spasm human compassion reported governor christie himself act ... tethered whatever destroyed landmark building dibs apocalypse ends topics ...)

7 - Self-Destruction << Personality & Spirituality

8 - Some inspiring Quotes

9 - Garrus Vakarian/Unique dialogue - Mass Effect Wiki - Wikia

#10 is a video

10 - Sherry Turkle: Connected, but alone? | Video on Ted.com

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN

this has been the dave update

OH SHIT

i had a dream last night!

i was in the desert sort of but there was water

and i saw a wolf and we stared at each other for a long time

during this staring contest i somehow realized that i needed that wolf's help to survive

i tried to communicate that to him through my eyes but he got weirded out and started to walk away

so i bolted after him and he ran but i tackled him and got him in like a rodeo hold

like maybe i was about to hogtie him or something

he was biting at my hand but i just kept telling him to calm down

but like in a dog voic

e

not like "rhalm dohwn" like scooby doo or something

but i was kind of squeaking at him like i was wounded

TOTALLY WORKED TOO

he started to fight me less and i started petting him and then eventually we were buddies

but then i woke up this morning

AND HAD BITE MARKS IN MY ARM

WAS IT REALLY JUST A DREAM??????

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THE END

?

 Stefan:  you shitting me?

bite marks?

for real?

 me:  everything was real except for the bite marks

 Stefan:  that is a rad dream

I think it's a good sign dave

I think it's a very good sign

things are looking up for dave gulbis

 me:  i don't know, it felt weird, it was really violent but i remember in the dream when he was biting my arm thinking "there is no pain, nothing can hurt you"

which was kind of intense but definitely felt cool

 Stefan:  it's good very good

 me:  i mean i had a dream where i wrestled a fuckin wolf

 Stefan:  anyway I've been off work for five minutes but stuck around to hear the end of your dream

now I'm out

 me:  hahahahahahaha

 Stefan:  I'll try to find you a robe

 me:  thanks stefan!

 Stefan:  lates

 me:  oh no, i still have other places to try

don't worry bout me, there is no pain

later

hi there

today's dave update

(in an attempt to make up for the last dave update)

will just be a list of things that are great

get ready

get steady

GO

this dude from new zealand named kraus makes awwwwwsummm music

kraus.co.nz/

i know about kraus because of this dude stefan who is also from new zealand and also makes amazing music

he records both under his own name and under the name "pumice"

i recommend "pebbles" by him, one of my favorites

i really like this new band linea aspera too but feel like i'm probably only gonna like them for like a month

when i was younger i watched a lot of comedy central

when it first started up they didn't really have that much content

they had a lot of kind of cop-out shows like "short attention span theatre" and what not

where it was just clips from comedians

while watching one of those shows i saw a woman named maria bamford

who i thought was incredible, so unique and strange but so hilarious

and also in a really honest way if that makes sense?

she was great then

and recently i saw her on an episode of "louie" and was like HOLY SHIT

how did i forget about this amazing comedian?

apparently she did a web-series too

here is a quote about it:

(maybe from wikipedia?)

"The premise of the series was that Bamford had had a nervous breakdown on stage and ended up back in Minnesota living with her parents. Bamford played every role in the series: her mother, father, sister, coworkers, and old high school acquaintances."

i mean clearly this show was made for me

(haven't seen it yet but once i get home you can probably guess what i'll be watching)

i like breaking bad a lot

oh and bob odenkirk

i didn't really like bob odenkirk for awhile, don't know why really

now i LOVE him and his style of humor

and i have a lot of respect for him too, he seems very serious about what he does in a way that i can relate to

like, not over serious like "what i'm doing is GENIUS"

but serious like "hey if we're gonna take the time to do this goofy thing let's do it right, right?"

(i said i relate to that but honestly i wish i adhered to that idea more)

(BUT THIS LIST ISN'T ABOUT ME YOUNG DAVERS)

i like it when my romanian co-worker gets frustrated and starts complaining

i like egging him on too by saying dumb stuff like "what do you expect, this is america"

"go back to russia if you don't like it here"

i probably shouldn't put that on there though because it's not really something that you all can do too

though i'd love if any of you came to my office to heckle my romanian co-worker

let's see what else

oh not to make this like a total new zealand love letter

but there's this animator named len lye whose stuff is amazing

"individual happiness now" people

do you know raymond scott?  my friend stefan reminded me about him recently

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l17kn0WpD2s&feature=fvwrel

how can things be bad?

"little miss echo" exists

i just teared up a little listening to it

it's so calming

LIFE CAN BE LIKE THIS

it can

i believe it

yesterday i was waiting for someone to pick me up at bart and i just started whistling melodies

i usually hate whistling and whistlers

it bothers me

but yesterday it just seemed *right*

ok what else

tadanori yokoo is a japanese animator whose stuff is raddddddd

unwound has a new live record coming out soon

that's exciting

(kind of)

(i mean i don't really care about live records)

aimless walks around san francisco are nice

ok suddenly i just realized work is hectic and i got shit to do

this is a great dave update with an abrupt ending

hi dear readers

i'm going to apologize in advance

having grown up with a very conservative background

both parents and even friends

i can't help but try and find the human aspects in people i disagree with

that's a bit of an overstatement

it's not like i think pro-lifers are aliens or anything

but when someone says "being gay is unnatural"

or "abortion is always wrong"

or "marijuana is a gateway drug"

etc etc

i think it's way more important to listen and understand than just straight up dismiss

i feel the same way about crazy people

who say "my pubic hairs are actually government surveillance cameras"

or "the bible proves that gavin newsom is an elephant"

or "dragons are real, i saw one when i was on mushrooms"

(hey!)

(since this dave update is gonna be a kind of annoying one)

((that's where this long apology is headed in case you haven't figured it out))

(let's have another dave contest)

(i only made up ONE of the above three "crazy" statements)

(if you can guess which one is made-up)

(i will buy you lunch)

(and if you can guess which one MY BROTHER told me)

(i will buy you lunch anddddddd)

(hm)

(oh!)

(a nice scarf)

(lunch and a scarf for both)

(just lunch for one)

(winter's coming people)

(you know you could use a scarf)

so

there's that mourdock guy

who said that rape pregnancies are part of god's plan

and i wanted to write my thoughts about that

even though

in my heart of hearts

i really don't give a shit about this weiner

but for some dumb reason

i want to write this

so

apologies in advance

ok

dear mourdock dude or whatevs

i actually get it

i get your position

i understand that you think god is behind everything

i went to catholic school homey

and i took from catholic school the understanding that

IN MY OPINION

catholicism (and really all religions) are an attempt to comfort

in what is ultimately a random, chaotic, and ultimately meaningless world

i hope that doesn't come off as too rude

in fact i think it's very important to invent your own reason for living

and if religion works for you then go fuckin tell it on the mountain

and knowing a little about catholicism

i get why you attribute rape pregnancies to "god's plan"

you know something else?

hold onto your boots

i think you are right!

if there is a god

and this is a catholic world

and someone gets raped

and the semen from that rapist

fertilizes the egg of the woman who was raped

(or however the bible claims "that whole thing" works)

then yes

if catholicism is the capital T Truth

that baby is part of god's plan

i mean it's like when people get murdered

and the priest tries to comfort the family by saying shit like

"god's plan" and "s/he's with god now"

etc

it's built in the religion

that's where this is different from that whole todd akin thing

todd akin has no basis for his beliefs about rape

other than he feels weird about "that whole thing" and is probably too uncomfortable to learn anything about it

in fact he's probably gay

BREAKING NEWS PEOPLE

todd akin is a giant homo

it's on the internet so it's TRUE

BUT I DIGRESS

back to you

(guy whose name i've already forgotten)

(i keep wanting to say mosurock but that's the "still single" guy)

(hm)

(you know what, fuck it)

(from now on i'm pretending doug mosurock said that quote)

back to you dougie

the thing that you should know

and the reason that a lot of people are right to be pissed at you

is that this whole catholicism thing?

that i totally understand why you are so into and all?

that's something that you BELIEVE

and it's not at all something that i BELIEVE

and when you try and legislate on your BELIEFS

that's the same thing as me forcing you to shave off all of your pubic hair

because i've put a stop to this covert government surveillance program

and you can call that a ridiculous comparison

but it is THE SAME FUCKING THING

that's me trying to legislate my beliefs

(it's true, i totally believe that)

ok

this is already taking too long

i'm totally supposed to work this week

so i guess

this is

good bye

sorry again about this dave update!

hello

when i was in college i worked at blockbuster video for a little while

not really the worst job you could ever have but it definitely was not a good one

FIVE FREE RENTALS A WEEK THOUGH!

boo yahhh

anyways

i worked at like 5 different ones

which is sort of ridiculous but was actually kind of good for me

made a lot more money that way

also when you only work occassionally at certain locations it's a lot easier to steal from there

ha ha

(i'm laughing but it's totally true)

(normally if you get caught stealing it's because management)

(er)

(excuse me)

(MGMT)

(MGMT notices a pattern of stuff going missing on shifts you work)

(but if you don't work there regularly)

((and if you don't steal something EVERY TIME you work))

(you can get away with it)

anyways

the main one i worked at was in scottsdale

and most of the customers were horrible

but there was one girl there named sam

who was going to beauty school

she was a sweetie pie, no doubt about that

i worked with this guy karl

(another example of a person who HATED me upon first meeting me)

(but who i later became good friends with)

(after he realized that just because i dress like shit for my job at fuckin blockbuster)

(doesn't mean i'm a bad person)

we would go and hang out at this place called "jamaican blue"

which was a coffee shop trying to look like a bar

it was actually an cool place though

despite being in the heart of old town scottsdale

i was the oldest of this threesome

(no threesome jokes please)

sam was the youngest

i would have been maybe 20 at the time?

old enough to not care about hanging out in bars any more

ha ha

this is actually true

my brother is two years older than me

and when he turned 21 he got a new id and gave me his old one

i would have been 18 i guess

is that right?

hm

i think so

wait

i would have been 19

so i would have already been in college a minute

and already skilled at sneaking into bars

me and this bulky guy from my dorm would go to bars all the time

he had a fake but never needed it

and i looked probably like 13 but i was with john

who generally was bigger than the door guy anywhere we went

so i'd just walk right in with him

worked more than it didn't believe it or not

it's all about *attitude* kids

if you act like you belong there it's because you DO

this story is getting easily sidetracked

BOY

THERE'S A SURPRISE

ladies and gentlemen i present to you the first ever dave update to go OFF-TOPIC

yeah, i would have been 19 and probably 20 when all this was happening

or maybe 19 because i was still at blockbuster

i was 20 when i started working at that record store

and i know this for sure because when i turned 21

i went to the bar right by the record store

(that i frequented)

and told the door guy

"hey check it out, i finally get to use my real id!"

he did NOT think it was funny

but that's why he's a door guy and not a bartender

ANYWAYS

let me finish this damn story

jamaica blue

we'd go and hang

and some times meet people or bring friends

you all understand what "hanging out" is right?

sure

there was one girl though who was friends with sam and even younger than her

she was nice but shy

as are most young people hanging out with significantly older people

ok

now finally we're getting to the reason that i wanted to write about this

because i'd TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT

until suddenly here at work i was like

"wait, did that happen???"

i don't know what brought it up

but this young girl who was nice but shy

asked me to go to her prom with her

i don't actually remember her name!

but i didn't actually go to my school's prom

(cuz FUCK PROM that's why)

(i got high with my friends instead and went to all the afterparties)

(NOT wearing a tuxedo)

(in yr face high school)

so i went but with some reservations

i remember being worried that she would think it was a date

or that her friends would be horrible

but honestly all i really remember was looking uncomfortable in the picture

and having an ok time

but like we stayed at prom for like a minute

and then i think i even just dropped her off at a party or something?

i remember going home and thinking "that's it?"

hm

i thought this story would have a bit more juice

but apparently

this is it

that's all folks

please head calmly and in single file

to the exits in the side and rear

thank you for choosing the dave update today

hi there

tonight i got distracted by the internet

and found one of those sites where it's just a bunch of internet multi-player games





it had a game that is just a take off of win lose or draw

for those of you WEIRDOS

who don't know WIN LOSE OR DRAW

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

don't make me grab the hose

get off of my front blog you little brats

ANYWAYS

if you don't know the rules

they give you a word or a short phrase

and you have to draw it

so that people can guess it

and get points

if you get the most points

the acne vanishes from your face and all the kids at school think you are cool

i assume so at least because it was definitely only kids playing this game


i know this because i spent like the last 2 hours playing

instead of drawing the word though

i'd play word association

and then draw the word the original word made me think of

like i got "mall" so i drew a pretzel and a pizza and an orange julius

there's a time limit too which makes things more fun

because if you guess the word the clock stops

but if you don't all the kids just (type-)shout the wrong word

usually spelled wrong

followed by "??????" and "lolwtf???"

oh ps kids seriously write that shit!

like lolwtf and what not

8 yr olds and 34 yr old internet programmers speak like the exact same lingo

it's creepy

it's also creepy how self-conscious kids are!

like any time a kid draws something that no one gets they're instantly like "OMGsosorry!!!!!!!!!!"

kind of sad actually

after awhile i noticed that i would finish the drawing before the time would go out

so i'd just type out the explanation

explanation?

that word never looks right

KEEP MOVING DAVE YOU'RE ON A ROLL

ok dave

i'd type the explainatioanioonano

as though the kids were stupid for not making the connection

like once my word was "picnic"

so i drew a girl with a ponytail crying

and then typed "i don't eat applesauce any more because my dad made me eat applesauce off his penis when we were having a...."

kids are smart though too, they catch on quick

like i did this one drawing

the word was "gardener"

i drew a picture frame

then i drew a man and a woman hugging in the picture

and then i drew a lightning bolt separating them

and wrote "my parents got a divorce because my dad was banging the...."

instantly someone typed "gardaner!"

"oops gardener lol"

come play with me sometime

this has been the dave update

hello

weird day yesterday

weird year

i remember in january

talking with people and telling them that this was the first time

i've ever actually looked forward to the new year

i feel like a lot of people agreed with me

because 2011 was such shit

but it's turning out that 2012 has not offered the lightning fast recovery economists hoped for

(been watching too much of this election bullshit this week)

(which is especially weird because i definitely don't give a shit about politics any more)

last night was surprisingly cold

and sometimes if i get really stoned i forget about things like weather

and last night i got really stoned

and didn't realize how cold i was

until i just started shaking

i just googled uncontrollable shaking right now

and yahoo answers seems to think it was probably a panic attack

either that or hypoglycemia

which is probably spelled wrong but who cares

mis-spelling medical terms doesn't bother me in the slightest

anyways

i grabbed some blankets and what not but couldn't really warm up

so i just went to bed

i thought about dying, as though maybe it was something i could will myself into

and then i had a dream where two of my teeth turned inexplicably green

there is sound in my head, always

it's been there all my life

but lately it's so much louder and more beautiful and more difficult to ignore

sometimes i just stare at nothing and listen to it

maybe somehow i can just dissolve into it

so i'll just be a realized and perfectly tuned or perfectly atonal version of sound

that only the insane can hear

...

this has been a confusing dave update

hello dear readers

it's me, dave!

how have you been

it's been a minute since we last "hung out"

how're things?

cool

oh me?

i'm fine

you know

life and what not

staying busy

sort of

i got this zit in an uncomfortable place yesterday

no no

nowhere like THAT

you pig you

it's like underneath my nostril

not like underneath

like in between my nostril and my plain ol face

see it?

i kind of scratched it off already so it just looks red

that's not gross!  shut up

don't make fun

no i do that all the time

after i got that MRSA infection

any sort of blemish or whatever

i open it right up

it sounds gross but i can't deal with it any other way

just makes me too nervous

you didn't know i had a MRSA???

where have you been buddy?

well i mean i didn't like advertise it or anything

it doesn't matter

you look good though!

this weather huh?

so nice

although

well

this is gross

ok

so yesterday i was out for a bit of a stroll

cuz it was so nice out

but suddenly i just HAD to poop

you know how sometimes it just sneaks up on you?

it just snuck right up on me and i was too far from home

so i went to a nice hotel

that's my favorite bathroom trick

bars or hotels will always let you use their bathrooms

(just don't ask, duh)

and hotels usually have nice bathrooms

so i went into this nice hotel and AHEM

dropped a deuce

but i sat up afterwards and went to flush

RED!

red in the toilet bowl

looked like blood

i FREAKED THE FUCK OUT

and then it started flushing automatically

because you know

those sensors or whatever?

like i said

hotels have nicer bathrooms

anyways

while it was flushing

i noticed that there was a tampon in the bowl too

so either someone couldn't find the ladies room

or the woman i ate for lunch was having her period

ha ha

bah dum ching

that's a joke at the end but it's a true story

not even the grossest thing i've seen lately

ok

ok

you're probably gonna not want to talk to me any more

and i probably shouldn't be telling you so much gross shit right now

i mean we haven't hung out in awhile

i don't want you to think

"dave has CHANGED"

"all he does is talk about gross shit now"

"i don't like him any more"

it's just that gross things have been happening

both to me and AROUND me

so this one has kind of a one two punch

i was walking up 16th the other day

and there's this place where the homeless usually congregate

there were two people there

a skuzzy lookin dude

and this woman with this long button down shirt

like not THAT long but just below her waist

they were just hangin

and then this woman grabs a tissue

OFF THE GROUND

on 16TH STREET

and blows her nose with it

and just tossed it back on the ground afterwards

see now that alone grossed me out

but people don't think it's that gross of a story

BUT THEN

realizing dirty ass used floor tissue didn't quite do the job

she grabbed one of her shirt tails and wiped her nose clean

that's when i realized

that shirt was all she was wearing

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

homeless vagina is not a pretty sight

i hope that's one of my search keywords this week

ok

well i gotta go

i gotta enter this order and then i'm going to the park

to record a video to my youtube channel's sole subscriber

good seeing you though!

let's hang out soon

if only so i can like shower and prepare a bunch of stories about not gross things for you

bye punkin

this has been the dave update

hello

sorry

did i wake you?

my bad

i'm just excited

i'm pretty sure i just performed a successful dental surgery

on MYSELF

YEAH

I KNOW

I KNOW

i know anyone reading this is probably thinking

HEY DAVE THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A GREAT IDEA DUDE

and you know what?

first things first

don't call me dude dude

it's only funny when i say it

BUT IN ADDITION

when i say "dental surgery"

i don't mean anything involving powered drills or

or

or other things dentists use

oh!

water pics!

water picks?

water pix?

hm

unfortunately probably that last one

by dental surgery

i mean

spending like the past 72 hours

brushing flossing and even rinsing with HYDROGEN PEROXIDE

(read up on it apparently it works)

because my teeth felt really gross

and every time i go to the dentist i feel like it's a total crock of shit

and LET ME TELL YOU YOUNG DAVERS

it IS!

my mouth has never felt cleaner in my life!

and i paid NOTHING

well

i paid like $20

for hydrogen peroxide

(ps thinkin bout dying my hair)

(i mean i have the supplies and i used to be blonde)

(so i can just say)

("yeah i don't know i mean i used to be blonde")

("maybe i'm just, you know")

("changing")

...

i hope the italics saved that joke

that seemed like a good start but boy did that one flop

OK

JEEZ

all i'm trying to say is that my teeth feel cleaner than ever

so don't go to your dentist any more

that's a gyp

hm

that's a bad deal

(still convinced gyp is a racist term)

(LONG TIME DAVE UPDATE READERS WILL GET THAT JOKE)

(AND IF YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM THEN YOU NEED TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK)

(CLASS DISMISSED)

ugh

this dave update feels annoying

EDIT:

dave edit

for the record

i mis-spoke

i did not spend $20 on hydrogen peroxide

i bought toothpicks too

i bought other stuff i think too

maybe i just got cash back??

hm

i think i need to double check my bank statement

...

THAT JOKE'S NOT FUNNY

this dave edit was brought to you by "thatjokesnotfunny.com"

thatjokesnotfunny.com

tune in saturdays for "no significa no"

keeping you up to date on what is and is not

a funny rape joke

hm

this dave edit may generate some letters 

ok people

until is a word

some people shorten it to til

some OTHER people change it to till

those OTHER people don't seem to realize

that they are ADDING A LETTER

because untill is NOT A WORD

hey!

you OTHER PEOPLE

are FUCKING MORONS

GET IT TOGETHER!

this has been some dave tough love

sorry it had to come to this

but enough is enough!

hey there

been a new order kinda day on my end

mostly "leave me alone"

but now i'm on some new order youtube playlist

"true faith" is playing right now

hm

i guess maybe i don't feel like talking?

life is too weird for me lately

let's write a joke, right now

what should it be about?

maybe supermarkets?

that's a funny word

not like literally funny but more phoenetically fully

phoenetically is maybe not a word but even if it is it's definitely spelled wrong

ANYHOO

i used to think that the day would never come

i'd see the light in the shade of the morning sun

i think the hardest thing to understand as a "creative person"

is that no one really actually gives a shit about what you are doing

like you have to reach an improbable level of success

before people are actually like, on your side

complete strangers have to know your name and know that they like you

before you can reasonably expect to have even the slightest eyebrow raise's worth of attention

eyebrow raise's??????

what the hell is that

cmon dave

get it together

this is for real though

i feel like i often exaggerate but this is a real thing

everyone that i know who is creative

either has had to learn

or has YET to learn

that no, they are not special for coming up with whatever bullshit they came up with

(and if you're in that latter category good lord i don't envy being you)

(you are a ticking time bomb to BUMMERVILLE)

let's actually talk about this more

i'm talking to you young davers

we've got another dave contest here today

either in the comments or via e-mail

(no phone calls for this one please)

(unless i figure out how to record them)

(oh!)

(maybe we can skype)

(and record that)

ihateyourartschool at gmail

but tell me about the first time that you realized no one gave a fuck about what you were doing

the story that jumps to my mind is kind of ironic actually

because it was actually about a great show that this band i was in played

it was in high school and my friend was having a party

to raise money to build a mini-ramp in our other friend's backyard

maybe i've told you about this before?

we called it "ramp jam 2000"

but while we were playing people were going nuts

like, never in my life have people danced to the music i was playing

save for this ONE TIME

i think that's accurate

i mean no one dances to hiss & hum, obviously

doesn't mean they're not into it, it's just not dance party stuff

maybe people danced to this indie pop band i was in

but either way

i'd never in my ilfe had such a positive reaction to music i'd been playing

so after i finished up i was like

"cool, i'm gonna go chat some people up"

"this party is MINE now, i was in that great band that everyone loved"

let me tell you young davers

just because you are in the AWESOME BAND

playing at the AWESOME HOUSE PARTY

that doesn't mean that ANYONE IN ATTENDANCE

really gives a SHIT ABOUT YOU

i made no friends that night

and almost got arrested

that's a whole other story though

one for another day

anyways

i forgot the point of this story

and who cares anyways

i am over this dave update

why write one anyways??

yesterday's dave update was good enough for like a month

see you bitches in october

this has been the dave update

hey y'all

something doesn't make sense here

how in the fuck did all these libyans find out about this innocence of muslims movie??

i mean shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

like, i can't get anybody to pay attention to the shit i do

and the shit i do is waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy better

than this innocence of muslims movie

like for real

if it wasn't explained to me that that trailer was somehow supposed to be a depiction of the life and times of some sort of prophet

i would have had no fuckin CLUE what was going on in that thing

mohammad was a prophet or something right?

mo-mo?

i call him mo-mo

he hates it but i don't care

i mean how do you say no to mo-mo?

today i have not had very good willpower

in addition to mo-mo

i also could not resist buying "pretzel nuggets" after work

i live right next to the mall

fuck you

don't judge me

only mo-mo can judge me son

ok but for real.

was this movie released???

how do people even know what this movie is called???

the video that sam bacile posted is called

"mohammad movie trailer"

(i wonder if i'm gonna get hella hits from typing that)

SOMETHING DOESN'T MAKE SENSE HERE!

do muslims just like constantly google "mohammad movie trailer"???


is the entire muslim population very excitedly anticipating a movie about mohammad?

if so I CALL THAT SHIT HOLLYWOOD

that idea is MINE SUCKAS

if you post something on the internet

it's the same thing as mailing it to yourself

I'MA BE RICH BABYYYYYYYYYYYYY

that movie is gonna make so much money, like WAY more than passion of the christ

lick a dick mel gibson

melly-mel

ha ha

melly-mel

melly-mel meet mo-mo

mo-mo meet melly-mel

this dave update has it all!

i hope people find this one through google cuz it is WAY better than the casualmeetup.com one

i love this dave update

this has been my favorite dave update yet

hi there

two new search keywords this week:

"how can you be dave in the update?"

"how to be dave in the update"

what on earth do you think these people were searching for?

please post in the comments

if you found this blog by searching for either of the above phrases

let me know what you were looking for

this is a real head-scratcher

this has been a head-scratching dave update

listen to me honey

we can ride a horse

SEXY MOVIE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf44rky3SNc&feature=relmfu

this has been the dave update

hi there

one thing today i think

might turn into a long thing though

the more i think about it the more stories i have to tell

sooooo

when i was younger i used to write a lot more

i wanted to be a writer, i wanted to write screenplays actually because i figured i'd never be able to make a movie

mostly my parents advised me against that, they told me to look at movies as a "hobby" and think about what you REALLY want to do for a living

but really all the things i wanted to do were hobbies

i loved writing, i loved making music, i had all these ideas for movies

not like "wouldn't it be cool if king kong fought godzilla" ideas

but like both ideas for scripts and ideas for shorts

i remember i wrote 50 pages of a sci-fi-ish idea

(that wasn't really very good)

(about a man who controlled the flow of electricity with a giant machine)

(mostly i just thought it would be cool to make the giant machine)

(and also to have someone controlling the giant machine during the whole movie)

(i can actually still see both the machine and the angles i wanted to use while shooting it)

(the machine basically looks like a giant synth)

(of course)

(with knobs and patch cables and what not)

(i wanted one shot from the top corner opposite the machine)

(and one a kind of panning-POV shot from the control panel)

(one above and one beneath)

POINT BEING

i liked to write, whatever

a lot of young people do

a lot of young people also have english teachers who encourage them to pursue writing

you can group me in with that bunch as well

i wrote and wrote and finally started sending stuff to literary magazines that i knew of

some kind of cold submissions, some stuff i'd send to magazines i liked already

but never got a single response

after about 8 or 9 years of sending stuff out

(after like the first couple years i'd really only send out like one or two things a year)

i gave it up

since in all that time i'd only ever received one response

(a rejection obviously)

somewhere in there i'd started to actually play more music too

i mean i was already recording music on my own

but i looked at it more as a hobby than anything

finally someone asked me to help set up a show for julianna barwick

i wonder if julianna barwick googles herself?

hi julianna!

you may not remember me personally but i bet you remember playing on a bus

with deth box and diarreha til you die

that was a weird night huh?

still fun though

i was having trouble filling the bill

and i was also playing with my roommate's loop station a lot

so i decided, fuck it, i'll play too

just so we have more bands i guess

i threw together a little tape of old recordings to give away

MAAAAN i knew this one would turn out to be really long

so anyways

i played that show

a couple friends gave compliments

one guy kind of made fun of me

but whatever he's an asshole anyways

also kind of a perv too

if you believe rumors

i guess there are rumors about me too though so maybe i shouldn't judge

anyways

i gave away the tapes, don't really think anyone listened to them

put out like 3 or 4 more tapes after that

some people talked to me about them, some didn't

sent some copies out for review but never got reviewed

ALTHOUGH

foxy digitalis and animal psi actually did review a tape that jacy put out

that is a split tape from me and him

that was cool

ANYWAYS

long story even longer

i uploaded a few videos this weekend

of the video stuff i've been working on

and i LOVE doing this stuff

and i LOVE the results too

i mean not everything looks great but i still like to watch them

but any time i get excited about something new that i'm working on

there is ALWAYS the frustration of

"just cuz you build it doesn't mean anyone will give a shit"

and i'm happy to finally be in a position where i can kind of understand why people don't give a shit

and to not let it get to me too much

but it's still a little annoying when

you tell your friends about something you've done that you're excited about

and not a single damn person checks it out

i hope no one thinks i am passive-agressively writing this update to like

call them out

"yo brah you didn't watch this thing i made so i'm gonna write a really long dave update all about how much i hate you but still act like everything's cool if we hang out in person"

HEY

everything's cool

check out what i do or don't

it's up to you and you've got your reasons for either one

i'm just giving voice to something that bothers me

because i find when i do that it doesn't bother me as much

so there you go

ok

i think that's all?

hm

yup

that's all

still feel good

despite how this update may sound

this has been a deceptive dave update

hi there

feeling good today

this has been the dave update

hello

today i feel awful!

how about that!

oh shit

i just realized i forgot about something last night

oh well

i'm going to go hide in the bathroom for awhile

maybe?

am i?

i don't know

drink some coffee dave

ok

mmmm

for a long time i've looked at people i don't like

and known that the things i don't like about them are also the things i don't like about myself

yesterday i thought maybe that is because i

(and everyone else)

am everything

and i see everything in others

i listened to bill hicks yesterday

and he talked about how we are all just subjective filters

of one grand reality

there is no life and no death

we're all just here and always here

i'm paraphrasing, OBVIOUSLY

fuck

fuck fuck fuck

fuck this

i'm tired of pretending this brain has anything to offer

i hope today i dissolve and people forget i was ever here

this has been the dave update

hello

hi there

g'day

it's dave

i started filming "dave describes an episode of newsradio" last night

and then earlier today i read an article on dimensia

i did two "episodes"

but one of the episodes is going to be a "bonus episode"

because i was going to talk about a different episode

but i forgot which one i was going to talk about

so it's now a bonus episode

jacy came up with the idea to release them in seasons and not just all at once

which makes sense to me

i don't want to post them one at a time

because i don't think they'll be funny individually

but posting them all at once means i'll have to make them ALL

before i can post even ONE

and that seems like it'd be making this project a lot bigger than it really is

sighhhhhh

sometimes my mind just shuts off

and it's trying to right now

but i'm still typing

no no brain

don't do it

ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

too late!

see ya tomorrow maybe!

this has been the dave update

hello young davers

siiiiiiiiigh

it's me

first things first

today i took a shower

yes that's right

it's 10:25 am

and i've taken a shower already

frequent readers of the dave update

(or those of you with nostrils and an active sense of smell)

know that this is a very rare occurance

i mean a shower alone is odd enough

but a morning shower?

that would mean that i got up more than five minutes before i have to be at work

INSANE

life after 30, boy i tell ya

it's a whole new boring ball game

but a much cleaner one

also we're done with "principal shooting" for tyrannosaurus Rx

oh right now my computer at home is uploading a kind of crappy video i made too

should be done by the time i get home but WE'LLLLLLLL SEEEEEEE

WHAT ELSE

i don't know

feeling weird

this saturday i finished a bottle of two buck chuck

in like, the course of one conversation

i was on a roll kinda?

i was in a horrible mood

so i was telling a bunch of sort of brutal self-depricating jokes

there has to be another word for that

other than self-depricating

it's like with random where people use it to refer to something kind of generic

it's like it loses its meaning and becomes a genre title

OH THAT'S SO RANDOM!

you're funny, you're so self-depricating

maybe it's when we lose control of our words that we lose our path so to speak

hm

that's a tangent but i will probably explore that later

in my MIND

while probably STONED

anyways i felt like it was really helping my punchlines

if, right after i told a joke

i poured more wine into my cup

even though it was like half-full already

it was fun actually, it was probably the best part of saturday

i wish we'd filmed it actually because man i was on a roll

i can't remember any of the damn jokes now though

OF COURSE

OKAY!

i'm done for today i guess

i had other stuff to say but i remember NONE of it

this has been the dave update

hello

last night i was thinking a lot

which in general is kind of dangerous for me

I KNOW I KNOW

that sounds pretty over the top

i don't mean like dangerous like my mind will explode

i just overthink everything, obviously

i'm trying to change that

last night was ok though

i was just getting all beard-scratchy

CAN'T WAIT TO SHAVE THIS SHIT

but anyways

i worked at a multiplex when i was younger

and i worked with this one girl

can't remember her name now, maybe angie?

she had red hair and was super jaded

one of those workers who can do everything without caring if that makes sense?

like she's so over the bullshit from customers, etc

that she just gets shit done

not like well, just done

because who cares

let's get out of here

etc

she told me once that

"working in retail taught me how to apologize for shit that isn't my fault"

how fuckin true is THAT

i thought about that because my co-worker is on the phone right now

with a store who he has a very complicated relationship with

and he started out his phone call with something like

"that e-mail you sent me pissed me off"

and i was like WHOA

i would never say that to a store

even if they did piss me off

because that's what a job is to me

something that pisses me off

but doesn't really matter

who cares, let's get out of here

i've been thinking about doing stand-up again lately

but i probably won't

it just seems like what's the point of putting my self back through that?

i think about this with music a lot

when i started playing music i really wanted to play out a lot

both because the stuff i was playing was more song-based and sort of meant for an audience

but also just because when you're younger

it's totally rad to be the guy on stage or on floor or whatever

in house

it's just fun to be in a band

i imagine everyone is thinking

"COME ON DAVE"

"it's 'fun' to be in a band because you get laid like ALL THE TIME"

"right?  right?"

NOT SO YOUNG DAVERS

i'm thinking about it now

and the most "action" being in a band has ever gotten me

is a really really weird girl's phone number

who i went on one date with and am now scared to run into

like, this girl honestly creeped me out

like i don't even want to tell that story

BUT

she only started talking to me after we played

and mentioned that she liked watching me

"writhing around on stage"

i mean i guess that should have been a red flag

ha ha

but then i just started re-evaluating what i was doing

started making music that was less "for" people and more for me

and when i started playing out with that it was just like, awkward

i just thought "why am i doing this?"

i mean i wasn't like, SOOOO EXCITED about this stuff

that people HAD TO HEAR IT

and it wasn't really stuff that like even works in public maybe?

so now i don't really play out

maybe i will again some day

but only if i feel like i have something that i want people to see//hear

that's why i've been thinking about stand-up

because there are a few "bits" that have been bouncing around my head lately

but honestly i think i just want to like, write them

maybe i should just record them

yeah that's probably best

i'm gonna list them right here to help remind me

1) guide dogs

2) excited dogs

3) i promise these jokes are not all about dogs

4) ugly dogs

ok that's all i have

this has been the dave update

hello again dear readers

it's me

(dave)

i have another story for you

this one is about the PHONE

i HATE talking on the phone now

mostly because i don't hear that well these days

(this is part of why i call you all "young davers")

(sight's not so good either!)

(it appears i have a lifespan that matches my intelligence)

but when i was younger i talked on the phone a lot

i lived at least a half an hour drive from any of my friends

and didn't really get to hang out with them that often anyways

so

to the telephone!

holy busy signal batman

bleh

sorry

bad joke

anyways

when i first started talking on the phone i didn't really understand that phone calls could be short

so any time i would call someone i would also talk with them for awhile

even if i was just asking about like homework or something stupid

one time i called my friend

i feel weird about writing his name because i haven't talked to him in ages

and what if he googles himself and finds this?

i mean not that i wouldn't want to hear from him or anything

hm

i'm so torn right now

i don't really want to put his name but his name is also kind of hilarious

ugh

oh!

if you want to know his name you can e-mail me or call//text

perfect

anyways

i called him to ask for something

and i asked for it

and then i was like

"so how are you?"

he said "uh"

"fine"

and then there was a really awkward silence

and as i tried to think of other things to talk about

(even though i too had little interest in continuing the conversation)

my friend said

"ok dave i'm gonna hang up now"

this was REVELATORY

i remember thinking this EXACT thought

"you can do that?!?!?!????"

and i remember saying

"ok!  awesome!  see ya at school!"

VERY EXCITEDLY

it was like i was suddenly a FREE MAN

is this story funny?

who can say?

you!

let me know

genuinely curious

this has been the dave update

AHHHHHHH I AM SO BORED RIGHT NOW

hello everyone

today's story is about me listening to the pod f tomkast

i recommend it

PFT is hilarious

the pod f tomkast is usually in four parts

is there a p in tomkast?

i hope i'm not mis-spelling that

that would be embarassing if paul f tompkins were to google himself

stumble upon this blog

and find that his fans don't even care enough to spell the name of his podcast correctly

paul!

it's not that we don't care

it's just that we're not well educated

and have poor recall for the proper spelling of made up words

but WE LOVE YOU

well

i love you

the rest of your fans may be only mildly fond of you

hm

actually love is a pretty strong word

i am very fond of your comedy and feel like you would also be fun to spend time with

I'M GETTING DISTRACTED

anyways

four parts

the great unfinished project

or undiscovered?

oh jeez

i really hope this post comes up low on google

it's only getting worse

the great (something) project

a live sketch

phone call with jen kirkman

(love her too)

(*am fond of her comedy and feel like she would be fun to spend time with)

and paul comes to your town

so as fond as i am of PFT

when you are at work listening to a string of his podcasts

the great (something) project actually starts to wear a little thin

i like it but after like one or two parts i usually just skip over it

SO

finally, the meat of this story

i was listening to the pod f tom(p)kast the other day

and the great whatever project came up

and i just skipped ahead

and landed on paul f tompkins saying

"....as you just heard."

"unless you just fast forwarded and stopped right here at this moment"

"in which case, what is wrong with you???"

he then rants for awhile about people who fast forward through his podcast

and it's hilarious

MUCH funnier than this story turned out to be

so

paul

if you are offended by any of the following facts

1) i'm not sure how to properly spell the name of your podcast

2) i'm not sure of the name of one of the segments on your podcast

3) i sometimes fast foward through parts of your podcast

or 4) i'm not emotionally ready to say i'm in love with you

(sorry baby)

(give me time)

i hope that you can find some comfort in the fact

that you are actually much much more psychic than you may realize

thanks for reading the dave update

510 575 HISS

i will buy you a nice cold phosphate if you call

ha ha

this has been the dave update

oh hey

dave addendum

ok

i don't really give a shit about politics any more

but regarding this todd akin moron

if someone uses the phrase

"try to shut that whole thing down"

regarding, uh, ANYTHING

they are probably an idiot

i mean COME ON

"hey boss, the soft serve machine is leaking, what do we do?"

"uhhhhh well um maybe we should try to shut that whole thing down?"

"hey brain, remember that guy who raped you?  his sperm is heading towards me, what should i do?"

"uhhhhhh well um maybe we should try to shut this whole thing down..."

i've been thinking a lot about phrasing lately

with writing, and just in general

and can you please honestly answer me

(oh who am i kidding no one is going to answer me)

is there any way that that phrase doesn't sound dumb?

i can't come up with anything

i can only say it in two voices

one

idiot who has NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT

let's call that my todd akin voice

two

asshole cop who's shutting down the party

one or two?

either way you're a piece of shit in my book

also maybe this is an argument against abstinence only sex ed

because a grown ass man thinks that if you don't like the dude whose sperm is in your vagina you totally won't get pregnant

"no no, the womb or whatever shuts the whole thing down"

how many kids does this moron have?

if the answer is any then he's proven himself WRONG

who the fuck would want a mini-moron in their womb

when they could just shut the whole thing down

this dave update might be better out loud

helllllloooooooooo

today is monday

i'm listening to kate bush

if only i could

i'd make a deal with god

and get him to swap our places

siiiiiiiiigh

i don't know what to do with myself right now

all this month we've been shooting a movie

this saturday is the last day

it's been fun but i will be happy when it is over

for one all this month i've worked sunday thru friday

then shot on saturday

then back to work

for another one i fucking hate having a beard and can't wait to shave this shit

i meant to shave on like the wednesday before we started shooting

because my character is supposed to be kind of burnt out

so i wanted to just be "unshaven"

but come friday i realized "oh shit"

"there went THAT plan"

for another again one it's been really fun shooting

but mostly just because all we're really doing is getting stoned//drunk//etc

like i feel kind of self-conscious during it because it seems like it's gonna be a total mess to edit

last saturday in particular

last saturday it felt like we were all just talking over each other

i actually kind of stopped talking during it because the other two were going a mile a minute ha ha

i can't keep up!

i'm slow young davers

don't make fun

sigh

i don't know why i care anyways

not like i'm doing anything else

fuck this

this has been the dave update

hello

it's possible that tomorrow i will have the whole day to myself

all this month jacy has been shooting a movie that i am in

and it means i've been working 6 days a week

and shooting on my day off

i've had a flat tire on my bike for a week and a half

and i just can't even bother to change it

it's weird though because it's not like OH MY GOD I'M SO BUSY

I CAN'T BREATHE BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF TO DO

i mean last night i watched internet tv for uhhhhhh

i don't even know

a long time

like

more than 99 minutes

i think maybe my mind is just not interested in doing anything more right now

which maybe sounds lazy or just whatever

ha ha

my mind didn't even want to come up with a second adjective there

lazy or just WHATEVER

FUCK THIS

ha ha

tomorrow i should change my flat tire

then maybe i should go for a long bike ride

and then after that i should take a shower

i can't wait until we're done making this movie

and i can shave this stupid beard off

ok

i don't have anything worth saying right now

this has been a pretty bland dave update

hi there

i don't remember if i wrote about this one before

apparently i'm in a story telling mode right now

i found a youtube video of my first girlfriend reading poetry

this was like awhile ago

but someone sent me a link to a different reading and it made me think of the time when

i found a youtube video of my first girlfriend reading poetry

we dated for about six months

which is pretty much the maximum amount of time someone can tolerate dating me

and we never actually like, went on a date

i remember thinking even at the time that i was probably too young to be dating

not that i wasn't like ready to date

i just remember thinking like

"what are we gonna do?"

"i'm not gonna take her to dinner or anything"

"are we gonna go see some pg-13 movie in the theatre????"

"i can't even afford that anyways"

(despite the fact that even at 13 i had a fucking job)

BUT

the one thing that we did together that i remember

was that sometimes after school we all would break into the music room

sometimes we'd just play the drums or bring guitars or whatever

but sometimes we'd play this kind of variation of tag

the music room had giant lockers all along the backwall

i mean big enough to store a cello in

so if there were enough of us hanging out after school

we'd play tag

and the person who was it would count to some number

and we'd all hide in the lockers

and the person who was it would just be really quiet

and try to figure out which locker had someone inside it

when i played alone i was a PRO at this game

you probably wouldn't be able to tell from how much i ramble in this update

but when it's time to be quiet

boy you better bet i can be quiet

i don't know why i'm calling you "boy" now

moving on

when jane and i were dating though we would hide in the same locker

and i can still remember how it felt to be locked in this dark tight space

with a girl you were in young love with

feeling her breath on my face but not able to make a move

staying silent as she put her hand into mine

trying not to shiver with excitement whenever i was brave enough to put a hand on her waist

(because my back would be against the side of a locker you see)

(a shiver would have given away our position)

we probably were more quiet together than apart actually

mostly just because i remember being in the locker and not wanting to leave

it's not really much of a story i guess

just a really vivid image

that i'm sure i failed to do justice

SHARING IS CARING

this has been a dave image

hey there

today's update is a story i just remembered and wanted to share

SHARING IS CARING YOUNG DAVERS

when i was in college i took a lot of writing workshop classes

in case you haven't figured out by the 270 posts preceding this one

i like to write

(even though yes)

(a lot of these dave updates are just me saying "nope")

also writing workshop classes are EASY A'S

ha ha

ANYWAYS

i took a couple poetry ones

(yeah yeah)

(don't judge)

i took this advanced one

because i am a very advanced poet

(in case you haven't figured out by the 270 posts preceding this one)

and in this advanced poetry course there was a girl named cynthia

who was a really good poet but a really serious one

i don't know what reminded me of this but i wanted to tell this story

because i remembered this one poem that she wrote that took place during mardi gras

and there was a line in french in it

and i don't speak a word of french

so when i gave her notes for the poem i wrote something like

"i don't speak french but is this like some sort of phrase/slogan about mardi gras?"

"i like its placement here even though i don't know what it means"

something like that

turns out i was right

i don't remember what it was but it's like a french expression about mardi gras

like "what happens in vegas stays in vegas" but much more loaded i guess

ANYWAYS

i think she was impressed that i was able to guess that from context because we wound up going out for a minute

and WE TOTALLY DID IT

YESSSSSS

HIGH FIVE RIGHT YOUNG DAVERS?

but here's what i think is funny about the story

so we did it and the next class we had together we were supposed to bring in a poem inspired by a fairy tale

oh!

i actually can find the poem for this story!

wow!

holy shit

i can find both of the poems i wrote in this story

what a world

i'll put them in the comments of this entry because they will distracted from the story

(yeah that's right)

(my poetry is so advanced that it's distracting)

so my poem was called cuts under stockings and it was about cinderella kind of hating her new life as a boring princess

and the first couplet was

When Princess Cinderella wears a skirt (please,
call me Cindy) sometimes she gets razor burn

(i wasn't as into parentheses back then but clearly loved awkward line breaks)

(still do actually)

and she talked to me after class and was like

"hey i really liked your poem but i don't think it's appropriate for you to write stuff about me in class"

(her name was cynthia, remember?)

(stick with me young davers)

and i was like, "oh, no"

"that's not about you, it's about cinderella"

and she was like "oh ok"

but i think she was actually disappointed ha ha

the next week our assignment was to write a poem using three new words

and mine was called "she"

because i had this idea where i wanted a title to end a poem

and my mind is such that any time i want to try something new in writing

the topic itself is always about girls, love, sex, etc

it's just easy, you know?

god i keep getting so distracted during this story

am i talking a lot right now?

i feel like i'm talking a lot right now

whatever

hunker down dave

gotta get through this story

that is turning out to be less good than i remember

so i wrote about having writer's block

because all i could think about was a girl

you can read this one in the comments, it sounds much worse than it is when i describe it

HEY!

new dave contest

if you can guess the three new words i used in this poem

i will take you for a long walk on the beach

and buy you an ice cream cone

and maybe hold your hand if it seems right

or if you can think of another date cliche

we'll do that instead

i'll take you on a date, that's what i'll do

maybe i should take you on a bad date instead actually

ok

if you can guess the three new words

i will take you out to dinner

but when the check comes

i'll stand up angrily and say

"no, i'll get the bill, i don't want to owe you anything"

and then storm out and leave you there

510 575 HISS

god this story is derailing FAST

so i wrote this poem

and cynthia wrote on it

"i want to know more about the woman in the poem"

"who is she?  why do you feel so strongly towards her?"

"i think the reader needs to know more of your intentions for this poem to work"

we stopped dating soon after

one time this guy i was in a band with

told a girl i was dating that i was fun to play music with

but kind of aloof as a person

I GET IT NOW

this dave update is all over the place

hello

it's me

ugh

what a stupid week

bah

these dave updates have all been lame lately

dave down-dates, whatever

sorry folks

but not like

THAT sorry

cuz i mean let's face it

you're reading it

i'm living it

who's got it worse?

hahahaha

IN YR FACE young davers

let's see

what to talk about

ok

i think this was monday?

i was sitting on my couch in my room

just staring into space

feeling shit-tay

and as a like "oh POOR PITIFUL DAVE" joke

i thought to myself

"maybe next year will be better"

and i actually did feel some comfort in that

like, the chance that maybe in a year life will improve

that's SOMEthing

i've been thinking about the concept of "facts" lately

yeah

that's right

i've been thinking about the concept of "facts" lately

that's a true statement and yes i am that boring

in fact i wish i was more boring

and i've been thinking about the concept of "facts" lately

weird that i want myself to be more boring than that

but that's who i am i guess

anyways

my therapist gave me a workbook for dialectical emotion regulation

or something like that

i just remember dialectical

that's one of those words i could never define to someone but i feel like i "get"

ooh i wanna listen to the wake right now

ANYWAYS

facts

"facts"

"get"

i don't know if i can explain what i'm going for here

these are young thoughts

tiny hollow peas of ideas

too young to chew

god i am so much less articulate than i previously believed

i've been talking about certain things and MAN do my words miss the mark

where is this update even going???

jee-bus

i don't know

wrap it up dave

these people aren't paying for silence

facts

i've been listening to a lot of podcasts at work lately

one of them being scott free

the podcast of scott thompson

who was apparently in a school shooting!

that was a surprise to me

like some kid shot up his high school

crazy

they had a bit on one of them though where they were talking about fake facts

when you just make something up and pretend it's a fact

like did you know china produces over 90% of the world's tampons?

crazy huh

i don't know where this is going either

maybe i should end this one

it seems confusing

i think maybe i'm a little too...

"in my head"

for this today

all i feel like doing is writing right now though

i'll go to the bathroom, that might help

be right back

hm i don't know if that helped or not

bah

ok

i don't want to do this any more

for today

or just for now

new phone

same number

510 575 HISS

this has been a confusing dave update

hello there

i know i said i would leave the last dave update up for awhile

but i felt like writing something

sooooooo

reminder

please text me your name at 510 575 HISS

so that i have your phone number

(if you'd like me to have it that is)

yesterday i heard an episode of the pod f tomcast

where he was auctioning things off for charity

and some lucky winner won a drunk dial from him

where he would remain in character

as an ex-boyfriend who was maybe trying to get back together

WOW

that PFT is one funny SOB

i had a weird dream last night

where i started hanging out at support groups for meth addicts

i've never done meth bee tea dubs

doesn't really appeal to me

i'm already pretty fuckin wound up thank you much

but i actually did know a lot of "meth users" in arizona

i put meth users in quotes up there

i feel like the people i hung out with were more "meth users" than "meth heads"

does that make sense?

i got called out for saying that too much once

this is a tangent story

because i do want to finish the one about the dream

it was just weird and put me in a bad mood this morning

BIG SURPRISE THERE

anyways

i often say "does that make sense" when i'm explaining something

because i'm unconfident in my ability to explain anything

but once someone was like "why do you always say that to me?"

"it makes me feel like you think i'm retarded or something"

that actually blindsided me a little!

because here i am thinking

"jeez i'm such a retard, nothing i say makes any sense"

and then the person who is hearing me is thinking that i talk this way because i think OTHER people are dumb

i believe that's what the kids might call a "fail"?

i'm pretty over that meme but sometimes it's just the right word

does that make sense?

(nyuk nyuk nyuk)

anyways

so i was at one of these NA-type meetings

and the leader of the meeting or whatever

what's he called?  group leader maybe?

who knows

moderator??

that's probably it!

the moderator sort of points at me and is like

"would you like to introduce yourself to the group?"

i try to get out of it but he insists that i talk

so i tell everyone that i'm embarrassed to be there

because i've never done meth

but i told them that i was really lonely

and in arizona i could always find a meth head who needed a friend

(that part is only true in the dream)

(meth heads are not generally very friendly)

(well they are actually)

(but only if you have some meth)

(or are willing to listen to a lot of bullshit)

so i decided to come here

because it was the only idea that i had

and the moderator was like

"well...that's sad"

"but"

"you can't really be here if you're not an addict in recovery"

so i left

but before i did i said

"sorry to intrude but i'm gonna wait outside"

"and if any of you all has an idea on what else i could try"

"please let me know"

and then i walked out and it was snowing outside

JUST MY LUCK RIGHT

so i tried to make snowmen but it was too watery so i just got cold

then i woke up

WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN?????

are you trying to bum me out?

BECAUSE IT'S WORKING

you dick

i have a new phone

text me your name

goodbye

this has been another dave down-date

hello all

i have a new phone

the screen broke on my old phone

please text yr name to 510 575 HISS

right now i have 4 contacts in my phone

"call balance"

"call care"

"call reboost"

"my account"

and none of them ever want to hang so please do get in touch

this has been the dave update and it'll probably be up for a little while

hello

it's dave

how are you?

i'll just sit here and wait for a response to that

i recorded a song a while ago

maybe as long as two years?

not sure

but i sent it to three different people

and explicitly asked them for their thoughts on it

on like, a particular part

because i wanted to re-record it

since the vocals were really bad

but i wasn't sure if it was too long or even worth trying to shine up

and no one responded to me

and it wasn't like, oh hey we haven't talked in like a million years

but here's this song i recorded

do you have any notes for me?

thanks!  see ya in a million years or probably never

no

it was like

people i talk to regularly

i remember one person in particular

i sent them the link over gchat

and said my piece

of "hey can you please listen to this and let me know if it's too long?"

and she straight up IGNORED me

changed the subject and didn't even acknowledge my request

i thought that was really fucked up

but the reason i bring it up is because it was fucked up

yes

but also completely expected

i don't understand why i'm such an ignorable person

i made a decision awhile ago

it's kind of a stupid one but i stand by it

any time someone asks me for something that i don't have or don't want to part with

I RESPOND TO THEM

usually with "nope"

WOW WHAT A FUCKING LIFE CHANGING IDEA

ACKNOWLEDGING THAT OTHER PEOPLE EXIST

it's my personal opinion

that those homeless people on the street

who are arguing with their shoes

and doing other strange things

aren't just ON DRUGS or PLAIN OL CRAZY or whatever

but if you keep getting ignored

if people walk by you and can't even look at you

let alone respond to your question

you begin to wonder if you are real

if you still exist

or if you've died and maybe no one has bothered to tell you

or end your life on this planet

i don't think plain ol' crazy exists

i also don't think evil exists

i'm sure this comes off as some whiny wide-eyed liberal rant

some prick with a beanie and a backpack and a "bushit" t-shirt

talking about how the MUNI fare increase is like total fascism maaaaaaaan

it's like we're in nazi fuckin germany

this is how it starts

i hope i don't come off like that

i don't think i'm blowing anyone's mind right now

what does it even matter anyways?

i'm just talking to myself

arguing with my shoes

my shoes actually could use a good talking to

STOP BEING SO SMELLY

this has been a kind of annoying dave update

hi there

weird weekend

fun though

does anyone know how to make a really solid cheese sauce?

marissa showed me once but i don't really remember how it went

i mean i get the concept of the roux or whatever

sort of

maybe not

i mean i know that something called the roux exists and it's part of how you make a good cheese sauce

but i guess i really just don't know how to do that right?

any time i make one it just doesn't come out quite right

usually it's just not very cheesy

lately i've been making the vegan version of mac and cheese

just because it's easier and cheap

just use nutritional yeast

i guess maybe there's a way where it's kind of similar

i do it with like a splash of soy milk and a lot of earth balance

i wish earth balance had a less hippy-dippy name bee tea dubs

it's like "peace cereal"

it's a delicious cereal but i always feel embarrassed buying it

it's good though!  and usually cheap

though i think maybe they had an introductory cost which lasted for awhile

it seems like it's about the same cost as the others now

still worth it though, stays really crunchy in milk and very flavorful

today's dave update is brought to you by peace cereal

if you are a maker of peace cereal please

1) call 510 575 HISS to arrange payment for this endorsement

2) change the name of your fucking cereal

moving on

weird weekend

sometimes i think i make a lot of projects for myself just so i have things i feel like i need to finish

whenever things get really dark i think to myself

"well i still want to do that 'dave describes an episode of newsradio' web-series"

"so i can't kill myself YET"

"but i gotta call customer support and try and exchange that laptop"

"ugh i hate dealing with people"

"fuck this i'm going to bed"

lately that shit all just seems like obligations though

like shit i have to do instead of shit i want to do

so what do i want to do?

...

i don't know

but this ain't it

sigh

weird weekend

fun though

this has been a typically manic dave update