hello there

those who keep up with the dave update will maybe remember

that lately i've been remembering my dreams more

i was thinking this was a good sign

but lately

this weekend in particular

my dreams have been...

well

hm

"mean" is the only word that comes to mind

lately i've been dreaming in this surprisingly real situations

complete with anxiety and emotions that i feel like would mirror my actual reactions

does that make sense?

who knows

i don't know why i bother asking questions to you people

i can't even bribe a comment out of you

(which frankly i think is a little fucked up)

(yeah i said it)

in any case

this weekend i had a dream which woke me up

but not in a like

"you're falling and you better wake up before you hit the ground"

way

actually i'm not really sure why it woke me up

my therapist has been trying to instill the possibility that

eventually someday

i will meet someone that will be similar to me

and will want to be my friend

(oh shut up)

(don't judge me)

i don't really think it's likely

because i don't go out any more

and when i do i get literally sick with anxiety

also i don't like dudes, like, in general

which means any time i go out

i am likely to dislike anywhere between 50-70% of the people i see

that's a pretty deep cut

to the pool of available friends

and she thinks that out of the 30-50% of people remaining

someday one of them will look at the jittery unsocial person standing or sitting alone

(possibly holding his stomach)

and think

"yes, that's someone i should talk to"

"they look like someone worth spending time with"

it doesn't seem right to me

but this weekend i had a dream that was vividly real

where i met someone

(who actually looked really similar to my ex-wife)

(yeah that's right)

(don't judge me)

and we had a really great talk

we bonded on anxiety actually

talked about how horrible it felt to be out in this place

(i don't even remember where we were)

(some place "out")

(like with people around)

and then after awhile she told me that she was happy she met me

and i said the same

and i woke up with pain in my stomach

and i couldn't get back to sleep for awhile

because my body was twitching

in the same way it would twitch when i was on anti-depressants

like sudden shocks

mostly in the legs//thigh

i don't want to live any more if this is all i'm going to be doing

i can't handle it

there is a part of me that will never be able to be calm or satisfied or

what the fuck ever

i feel like an ass complaining about it

it's probably a part of everyone

but guess what?

i'm not a person who can handle it

ok

this is the third dave update i've tried to write today

i deleted the last two because they just sounded too fucking needy

this one does too but clearly it's something i have to get off my chest

so whatever

don't fucking judge me you shit

i'll crack your arm in two, boy

this has been the dave update