hi there

feeling good today

this has been the dave update

hello

today i feel awful!

how about that!

oh shit

i just realized i forgot about something last night

oh well

i'm going to go hide in the bathroom for awhile

maybe?

am i?

i don't know

drink some coffee dave

ok

mmmm

for a long time i've looked at people i don't like

and known that the things i don't like about them are also the things i don't like about myself

yesterday i thought maybe that is because i

(and everyone else)

am everything

and i see everything in others

i listened to bill hicks yesterday

and he talked about how we are all just subjective filters

of one grand reality

there is no life and no death

we're all just here and always here

i'm paraphrasing, OBVIOUSLY

fuck

fuck fuck fuck

fuck this

i'm tired of pretending this brain has anything to offer

i hope today i dissolve and people forget i was ever here

this has been the dave update

hello

hi there

g'day

it's dave

i started filming "dave describes an episode of newsradio" last night

and then earlier today i read an article on dimensia

i did two "episodes"

but one of the episodes is going to be a "bonus episode"

because i was going to talk about a different episode

but i forgot which one i was going to talk about

so it's now a bonus episode

jacy came up with the idea to release them in seasons and not just all at once

which makes sense to me

i don't want to post them one at a time

because i don't think they'll be funny individually

but posting them all at once means i'll have to make them ALL

before i can post even ONE

and that seems like it'd be making this project a lot bigger than it really is

sighhhhhh

sometimes my mind just shuts off

and it's trying to right now

but i'm still typing

no no brain

don't do it

ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

too late!

see ya tomorrow maybe!

this has been the dave update

hello young davers

siiiiiiiiigh

it's me

first things first

today i took a shower

yes that's right

it's 10:25 am

and i've taken a shower already

frequent readers of the dave update

(or those of you with nostrils and an active sense of smell)

know that this is a very rare occurance

i mean a shower alone is odd enough

but a morning shower?

that would mean that i got up more than five minutes before i have to be at work

INSANE

life after 30, boy i tell ya

it's a whole new boring ball game

but a much cleaner one

also we're done with "principal shooting" for tyrannosaurus Rx

oh right now my computer at home is uploading a kind of crappy video i made too

should be done by the time i get home but WE'LLLLLLLL SEEEEEEE

WHAT ELSE

i don't know

feeling weird

this saturday i finished a bottle of two buck chuck

in like, the course of one conversation

i was on a roll kinda?

i was in a horrible mood

so i was telling a bunch of sort of brutal self-depricating jokes

there has to be another word for that

other than self-depricating

it's like with random where people use it to refer to something kind of generic

it's like it loses its meaning and becomes a genre title

OH THAT'S SO RANDOM!

you're funny, you're so self-depricating

maybe it's when we lose control of our words that we lose our path so to speak

hm

that's a tangent but i will probably explore that later

in my MIND

while probably STONED

anyways i felt like it was really helping my punchlines

if, right after i told a joke

i poured more wine into my cup

even though it was like half-full already

it was fun actually, it was probably the best part of saturday

i wish we'd filmed it actually because man i was on a roll

i can't remember any of the damn jokes now though

OF COURSE

OKAY!

i'm done for today i guess

i had other stuff to say but i remember NONE of it

this has been the dave update

hello

last night i was thinking a lot

which in general is kind of dangerous for me

I KNOW I KNOW

that sounds pretty over the top

i don't mean like dangerous like my mind will explode

i just overthink everything, obviously

i'm trying to change that

last night was ok though

i was just getting all beard-scratchy

CAN'T WAIT TO SHAVE THIS SHIT

but anyways

i worked at a multiplex when i was younger

and i worked with this one girl

can't remember her name now, maybe angie?

she had red hair and was super jaded

one of those workers who can do everything without caring if that makes sense?

like she's so over the bullshit from customers, etc

that she just gets shit done

not like well, just done

because who cares

let's get out of here

etc

she told me once that

"working in retail taught me how to apologize for shit that isn't my fault"

how fuckin true is THAT

i thought about that because my co-worker is on the phone right now

with a store who he has a very complicated relationship with

and he started out his phone call with something like

"that e-mail you sent me pissed me off"

and i was like WHOA

i would never say that to a store

even if they did piss me off

because that's what a job is to me

something that pisses me off

but doesn't really matter

who cares, let's get out of here

i've been thinking about doing stand-up again lately

but i probably won't

it just seems like what's the point of putting my self back through that?

i think about this with music a lot

when i started playing music i really wanted to play out a lot

both because the stuff i was playing was more song-based and sort of meant for an audience

but also just because when you're younger

it's totally rad to be the guy on stage or on floor or whatever

in house

it's just fun to be in a band

i imagine everyone is thinking

"COME ON DAVE"

"it's 'fun' to be in a band because you get laid like ALL THE TIME"

"right?  right?"

NOT SO YOUNG DAVERS

i'm thinking about it now

and the most "action" being in a band has ever gotten me

is a really really weird girl's phone number

who i went on one date with and am now scared to run into

like, this girl honestly creeped me out

like i don't even want to tell that story

BUT

she only started talking to me after we played

and mentioned that she liked watching me

"writhing around on stage"

i mean i guess that should have been a red flag

ha ha

but then i just started re-evaluating what i was doing

started making music that was less "for" people and more for me

and when i started playing out with that it was just like, awkward

i just thought "why am i doing this?"

i mean i wasn't like, SOOOO EXCITED about this stuff

that people HAD TO HEAR IT

and it wasn't really stuff that like even works in public maybe?

so now i don't really play out

maybe i will again some day

but only if i feel like i have something that i want people to see//hear

that's why i've been thinking about stand-up

because there are a few "bits" that have been bouncing around my head lately

but honestly i think i just want to like, write them

maybe i should just record them

yeah that's probably best

i'm gonna list them right here to help remind me

1) guide dogs

2) excited dogs

3) i promise these jokes are not all about dogs

4) ugly dogs

ok that's all i have

this has been the dave update

hello again dear readers

it's me

(dave)

i have another story for you

this one is about the PHONE

i HATE talking on the phone now

mostly because i don't hear that well these days

(this is part of why i call you all "young davers")

(sight's not so good either!)

(it appears i have a lifespan that matches my intelligence)

but when i was younger i talked on the phone a lot

i lived at least a half an hour drive from any of my friends

and didn't really get to hang out with them that often anyways

so

to the telephone!

holy busy signal batman

bleh

sorry

bad joke

anyways

when i first started talking on the phone i didn't really understand that phone calls could be short

so any time i would call someone i would also talk with them for awhile

even if i was just asking about like homework or something stupid

one time i called my friend

i feel weird about writing his name because i haven't talked to him in ages

and what if he googles himself and finds this?

i mean not that i wouldn't want to hear from him or anything

hm

i'm so torn right now

i don't really want to put his name but his name is also kind of hilarious

ugh

oh!

if you want to know his name you can e-mail me or call//text

perfect

anyways

i called him to ask for something

and i asked for it

and then i was like

"so how are you?"

he said "uh"

"fine"

and then there was a really awkward silence

and as i tried to think of other things to talk about

(even though i too had little interest in continuing the conversation)

my friend said

"ok dave i'm gonna hang up now"

this was REVELATORY

i remember thinking this EXACT thought

"you can do that?!?!?!????"

and i remember saying

"ok!  awesome!  see ya at school!"

VERY EXCITEDLY

it was like i was suddenly a FREE MAN

is this story funny?

who can say?

you!

let me know

genuinely curious

this has been the dave update

AHHHHHHH I AM SO BORED RIGHT NOW

hello everyone

today's story is about me listening to the pod f tomkast

i recommend it

PFT is hilarious

the pod f tomkast is usually in four parts

is there a p in tomkast?

i hope i'm not mis-spelling that

that would be embarassing if paul f tompkins were to google himself

stumble upon this blog

and find that his fans don't even care enough to spell the name of his podcast correctly

paul!

it's not that we don't care

it's just that we're not well educated

and have poor recall for the proper spelling of made up words

but WE LOVE YOU

well

i love you

the rest of your fans may be only mildly fond of you

hm

actually love is a pretty strong word

i am very fond of your comedy and feel like you would also be fun to spend time with

I'M GETTING DISTRACTED

anyways

four parts

the great unfinished project

or undiscovered?

oh jeez

i really hope this post comes up low on google

it's only getting worse

the great (something) project

a live sketch

phone call with jen kirkman

(love her too)

(*am fond of her comedy and feel like she would be fun to spend time with)

and paul comes to your town

so as fond as i am of PFT

when you are at work listening to a string of his podcasts

the great (something) project actually starts to wear a little thin

i like it but after like one or two parts i usually just skip over it

SO

finally, the meat of this story

i was listening to the pod f tom(p)kast the other day

and the great whatever project came up

and i just skipped ahead

and landed on paul f tompkins saying

"....as you just heard."

"unless you just fast forwarded and stopped right here at this moment"

"in which case, what is wrong with you???"

he then rants for awhile about people who fast forward through his podcast

and it's hilarious

MUCH funnier than this story turned out to be

so

paul

if you are offended by any of the following facts

1) i'm not sure how to properly spell the name of your podcast

2) i'm not sure of the name of one of the segments on your podcast

3) i sometimes fast foward through parts of your podcast

or 4) i'm not emotionally ready to say i'm in love with you

(sorry baby)

(give me time)

i hope that you can find some comfort in the fact

that you are actually much much more psychic than you may realize

thanks for reading the dave update

510 575 HISS

i will buy you a nice cold phosphate if you call

ha ha

this has been the dave update

oh hey

dave addendum

ok

i don't really give a shit about politics any more

but regarding this todd akin moron

if someone uses the phrase

"try to shut that whole thing down"

regarding, uh, ANYTHING

they are probably an idiot

i mean COME ON

"hey boss, the soft serve machine is leaking, what do we do?"

"uhhhhh well um maybe we should try to shut that whole thing down?"

"hey brain, remember that guy who raped you?  his sperm is heading towards me, what should i do?"

"uhhhhhh well um maybe we should try to shut this whole thing down..."

i've been thinking a lot about phrasing lately

with writing, and just in general

and can you please honestly answer me

(oh who am i kidding no one is going to answer me)

is there any way that that phrase doesn't sound dumb?

i can't come up with anything

i can only say it in two voices

one

idiot who has NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT

let's call that my todd akin voice

two

asshole cop who's shutting down the party

one or two?

either way you're a piece of shit in my book

also maybe this is an argument against abstinence only sex ed

because a grown ass man thinks that if you don't like the dude whose sperm is in your vagina you totally won't get pregnant

"no no, the womb or whatever shuts the whole thing down"

how many kids does this moron have?

if the answer is any then he's proven himself WRONG

who the fuck would want a mini-moron in their womb

when they could just shut the whole thing down

this dave update might be better out loud

helllllloooooooooo

today is monday

i'm listening to kate bush

if only i could

i'd make a deal with god

and get him to swap our places

siiiiiiiiigh

i don't know what to do with myself right now

all this month we've been shooting a movie

this saturday is the last day

it's been fun but i will be happy when it is over

for one all this month i've worked sunday thru friday

then shot on saturday

then back to work

for another one i fucking hate having a beard and can't wait to shave this shit

i meant to shave on like the wednesday before we started shooting

because my character is supposed to be kind of burnt out

so i wanted to just be "unshaven"

but come friday i realized "oh shit"

"there went THAT plan"

for another again one it's been really fun shooting

but mostly just because all we're really doing is getting stoned//drunk//etc

like i feel kind of self-conscious during it because it seems like it's gonna be a total mess to edit

last saturday in particular

last saturday it felt like we were all just talking over each other

i actually kind of stopped talking during it because the other two were going a mile a minute ha ha

i can't keep up!

i'm slow young davers

don't make fun

sigh

i don't know why i care anyways

not like i'm doing anything else

fuck this

this has been the dave update

hello

it's possible that tomorrow i will have the whole day to myself

all this month jacy has been shooting a movie that i am in

and it means i've been working 6 days a week

and shooting on my day off

i've had a flat tire on my bike for a week and a half

and i just can't even bother to change it

it's weird though because it's not like OH MY GOD I'M SO BUSY

I CAN'T BREATHE BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF TO DO

i mean last night i watched internet tv for uhhhhhh

i don't even know

a long time

like

more than 99 minutes

i think maybe my mind is just not interested in doing anything more right now

which maybe sounds lazy or just whatever

ha ha

my mind didn't even want to come up with a second adjective there

lazy or just WHATEVER

FUCK THIS

ha ha

tomorrow i should change my flat tire

then maybe i should go for a long bike ride

and then after that i should take a shower

i can't wait until we're done making this movie

and i can shave this stupid beard off

ok

i don't have anything worth saying right now

this has been a pretty bland dave update

hi there

i don't remember if i wrote about this one before

apparently i'm in a story telling mode right now

i found a youtube video of my first girlfriend reading poetry

this was like awhile ago

but someone sent me a link to a different reading and it made me think of the time when

i found a youtube video of my first girlfriend reading poetry

we dated for about six months

which is pretty much the maximum amount of time someone can tolerate dating me

and we never actually like, went on a date

i remember thinking even at the time that i was probably too young to be dating

not that i wasn't like ready to date

i just remember thinking like

"what are we gonna do?"

"i'm not gonna take her to dinner or anything"

"are we gonna go see some pg-13 movie in the theatre????"

"i can't even afford that anyways"

(despite the fact that even at 13 i had a fucking job)

BUT

the one thing that we did together that i remember

was that sometimes after school we all would break into the music room

sometimes we'd just play the drums or bring guitars or whatever

but sometimes we'd play this kind of variation of tag

the music room had giant lockers all along the backwall

i mean big enough to store a cello in

so if there were enough of us hanging out after school

we'd play tag

and the person who was it would count to some number

and we'd all hide in the lockers

and the person who was it would just be really quiet

and try to figure out which locker had someone inside it

when i played alone i was a PRO at this game

you probably wouldn't be able to tell from how much i ramble in this update

but when it's time to be quiet

boy you better bet i can be quiet

i don't know why i'm calling you "boy" now

moving on

when jane and i were dating though we would hide in the same locker

and i can still remember how it felt to be locked in this dark tight space

with a girl you were in young love with

feeling her breath on my face but not able to make a move

staying silent as she put her hand into mine

trying not to shiver with excitement whenever i was brave enough to put a hand on her waist

(because my back would be against the side of a locker you see)

(a shiver would have given away our position)

we probably were more quiet together than apart actually

mostly just because i remember being in the locker and not wanting to leave

it's not really much of a story i guess

just a really vivid image

that i'm sure i failed to do justice

SHARING IS CARING

this has been a dave image

hey there

today's update is a story i just remembered and wanted to share

SHARING IS CARING YOUNG DAVERS

when i was in college i took a lot of writing workshop classes

in case you haven't figured out by the 270 posts preceding this one

i like to write

(even though yes)

(a lot of these dave updates are just me saying "nope")

also writing workshop classes are EASY A'S

ha ha

ANYWAYS

i took a couple poetry ones

(yeah yeah)

(don't judge)

i took this advanced one

because i am a very advanced poet

(in case you haven't figured out by the 270 posts preceding this one)

and in this advanced poetry course there was a girl named cynthia

who was a really good poet but a really serious one

i don't know what reminded me of this but i wanted to tell this story

because i remembered this one poem that she wrote that took place during mardi gras

and there was a line in french in it

and i don't speak a word of french

so when i gave her notes for the poem i wrote something like

"i don't speak french but is this like some sort of phrase/slogan about mardi gras?"

"i like its placement here even though i don't know what it means"

something like that

turns out i was right

i don't remember what it was but it's like a french expression about mardi gras

like "what happens in vegas stays in vegas" but much more loaded i guess

ANYWAYS

i think she was impressed that i was able to guess that from context because we wound up going out for a minute

and WE TOTALLY DID IT

YESSSSSS

HIGH FIVE RIGHT YOUNG DAVERS?

but here's what i think is funny about the story

so we did it and the next class we had together we were supposed to bring in a poem inspired by a fairy tale

oh!

i actually can find the poem for this story!

wow!

holy shit

i can find both of the poems i wrote in this story

what a world

i'll put them in the comments of this entry because they will distracted from the story

(yeah that's right)

(my poetry is so advanced that it's distracting)

so my poem was called cuts under stockings and it was about cinderella kind of hating her new life as a boring princess

and the first couplet was

When Princess Cinderella wears a skirt (please,
call me Cindy) sometimes she gets razor burn

(i wasn't as into parentheses back then but clearly loved awkward line breaks)

(still do actually)

and she talked to me after class and was like

"hey i really liked your poem but i don't think it's appropriate for you to write stuff about me in class"

(her name was cynthia, remember?)

(stick with me young davers)

and i was like, "oh, no"

"that's not about you, it's about cinderella"

and she was like "oh ok"

but i think she was actually disappointed ha ha

the next week our assignment was to write a poem using three new words

and mine was called "she"

because i had this idea where i wanted a title to end a poem

and my mind is such that any time i want to try something new in writing

the topic itself is always about girls, love, sex, etc

it's just easy, you know?

god i keep getting so distracted during this story

am i talking a lot right now?

i feel like i'm talking a lot right now

whatever

hunker down dave

gotta get through this story

that is turning out to be less good than i remember

so i wrote about having writer's block

because all i could think about was a girl

you can read this one in the comments, it sounds much worse than it is when i describe it

HEY!

new dave contest

if you can guess the three new words i used in this poem

i will take you for a long walk on the beach

and buy you an ice cream cone

and maybe hold your hand if it seems right

or if you can think of another date cliche

we'll do that instead

i'll take you on a date, that's what i'll do

maybe i should take you on a bad date instead actually

ok

if you can guess the three new words

i will take you out to dinner

but when the check comes

i'll stand up angrily and say

"no, i'll get the bill, i don't want to owe you anything"

and then storm out and leave you there

510 575 HISS

god this story is derailing FAST

so i wrote this poem

and cynthia wrote on it

"i want to know more about the woman in the poem"

"who is she?  why do you feel so strongly towards her?"

"i think the reader needs to know more of your intentions for this poem to work"

we stopped dating soon after

one time this guy i was in a band with

told a girl i was dating that i was fun to play music with

but kind of aloof as a person

I GET IT NOW

this dave update is all over the place

hello

it's me

ugh

what a stupid week

bah

these dave updates have all been lame lately

dave down-dates, whatever

sorry folks

but not like

THAT sorry

cuz i mean let's face it

you're reading it

i'm living it

who's got it worse?

hahahaha

IN YR FACE young davers

let's see

what to talk about

ok

i think this was monday?

i was sitting on my couch in my room

just staring into space

feeling shit-tay

and as a like "oh POOR PITIFUL DAVE" joke

i thought to myself

"maybe next year will be better"

and i actually did feel some comfort in that

like, the chance that maybe in a year life will improve

that's SOMEthing

i've been thinking about the concept of "facts" lately

yeah

that's right

i've been thinking about the concept of "facts" lately

that's a true statement and yes i am that boring

in fact i wish i was more boring

and i've been thinking about the concept of "facts" lately

weird that i want myself to be more boring than that

but that's who i am i guess

anyways

my therapist gave me a workbook for dialectical emotion regulation

or something like that

i just remember dialectical

that's one of those words i could never define to someone but i feel like i "get"

ooh i wanna listen to the wake right now

ANYWAYS

facts

"facts"

"get"

i don't know if i can explain what i'm going for here

these are young thoughts

tiny hollow peas of ideas

too young to chew

god i am so much less articulate than i previously believed

i've been talking about certain things and MAN do my words miss the mark

where is this update even going???

jee-bus

i don't know

wrap it up dave

these people aren't paying for silence

facts

i've been listening to a lot of podcasts at work lately

one of them being scott free

the podcast of scott thompson

who was apparently in a school shooting!

that was a surprise to me

like some kid shot up his high school

crazy

they had a bit on one of them though where they were talking about fake facts

when you just make something up and pretend it's a fact

like did you know china produces over 90% of the world's tampons?

crazy huh

i don't know where this is going either

maybe i should end this one

it seems confusing

i think maybe i'm a little too...

"in my head"

for this today

all i feel like doing is writing right now though

i'll go to the bathroom, that might help

be right back

hm i don't know if that helped or not

bah

ok

i don't want to do this any more

for today

or just for now

new phone

same number

510 575 HISS

this has been a confusing dave update