hi there

just wanted to run thru

some vague but accurate insights

into what it is like to be me at the moment

i forgot the first one that made me want to do this idea for an update

but here's one anyways

*

resizing browser windows until they *feel* right

*

unbuttoning pants after a meal

*

arranging cups and bottles as though it is poetry

*

accidental racial tension

*

exaggerated sympathy for animals

(and humans)

((redundant))

*

misinterpretation of the word "analysis"

*

dangerous level of immersion in poisonous culture

*

...

well

lemme talk about that last one a little bit

right now as i'm typing this

there is a song from a video game

straight up BLASTING thru my head right now

the game is very fun

i won't tell you the name

(unless you ASK NICELY)

been playing a lot of video games lately

which has me a little less

uh

proactive

(sry)

with my free time decisions

being unemployed is like being alive

hm

uhhhh maybe this instead

*

being unemployed is like being alive

*

having a job is like being in jail

*

i like my jobs a lot right now

hm

A LOT is a bit of an overstatement there actually

A LOT is TOO MUCH

HA!

anyways

i sometimes enjoy my jobs

i feel particularly lucky to work one of them

but

...

.
.
.

...

!

but nothing

this has been a spotty dave update but all my thoughts are half thoughts these days

HI Y'ALL

is dav

just a quick one tonight

i am thinking about changing my name

WAIT

first off

the dave update remains the best blog on the internet

i know i don't update very often


but

well

whatever

the dave update remains the best blog on the internet

GOT IT?!?

ok

(sorry to yell)

any-

who

i am thinking about changing my name

again

to dave alllen v'estroyer

so that my initals are DAV


WAIT

AGAIN

i'ma do another dave contest

or i guess maybe a dave survey?

i dunno

any-

who

anyhoo

how many "L"s are in allen?

please post in comments

rate comment subscribe please

siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

this dave update has no consistency

INCONSISTENT DAVE UPDATE

cheese

ok bye

this has been a weird dave update

hullo

is dav

today i learned that jelly roll morton

had a group at one time

called red hot peppers

so

in case anyone alive

was still unsure

that the red hot chili peppers

are part of the gross american rock tradition

of wholesale theft from black folks

SUP WITH IT

it's weird to be 35

and have friends who are into RHCP

and also marilyn manson

NO JUDGEMENT HERE

for the record

i mean like what you like

it's just

*unexpected*

lately i've been considering the idea that i have a brain tumor

mostly because my brain sways

between uhhhhh

massively functional

MASSIVELY

and then completely clueless

also i get pretty random headaches

and there's a bump on my skull that is now grapefruit sized

hahahahaha

IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING

all i really want to do is play video games right now

i used to go through a thing

where any time i moved

after i settled in

i would just play video games for like

two weeks straight

and then burn out on them

and go out and have fun and stuff

you know

LIVE LIFE

before the tumor takes over

lately though i've been on the fuck life team

i just wanna sit around and play mario kart

i don't even really smoke weed any more

like, once a month maybe

i went camping recently and didn't smoke weed AT ALL

didn't even day-drink

let's see

what else now

i guess i'll close with a joke

or maybe i should call it a bit

cuz i'm not sure there's a real punch line on this one

i was thinking the other day

about when i was last looking for a job

i was on unemployment so i was just applying for everything

cuz when you're on unemployment you're supposed to be looking for work

and provide contact info for places you applied

i was actually doing it at first

thinking they might check up

(spoiler alert!)

(they don't)

job listings are mostly horrible

but there is one clear RED FLAG to avoid

if a job is soliciting applicants

and they say they are looking for a

"ROCK STAR"

anything

that is going to be a horrible place to work

"looking for a ROCK-STAR social media marketer!"

"are you a ROCK-STAR with numbers?  join our accounting team!"

"looking for a ROCK-STAR sanitation engineer!"

do people not know that rock stars are pieces of shit?

do you really want to work with axl fucking rose?

i applied to all of those jobs

because i really wanted to show up for the interview

wearing shredded denim and a bandana around my cornrows

and like 17 scarves tied haphazardly around my body

arrive an hour and a half late but just walk on thru the door

knocking over computer monitors on the way in

cigarette dangling from my lips

bottle of cheap whiskey in my hand

find the hiring manager

look at my hand to remember the name of the company

"SOMEBODY TOLD ME OAKLAND'S CHILDRENS' HOSPITAL"

"IS LOOKING FOR A NURSE CLINICIAN?"

smash goes the whiskey bottle

"I SAIIIIIIID"

"IS ANYONE OUT THERE LOOKING"

"FOR SOMEONE TO PROVIDE CASE MANAGEMENT FOR PATIENTS?"

waggle my tongue

knock some shit off their desk

"WELL LET'S DO THIS SHIT THEN!"

this has been a slightly overwritten dave update

hi there

been a minute

today i am thinking of headlines for imaginary news articles about july 4th

"nation hardly even phoning it in on fireworks this year"

and a picture of a sad guy holding a bottle rocket and a corn dog

"woman standing outside closed post office at 1PM thinks 'oh....right'"

"party-goers celebrating birth of nation doing all they can to avoid discussing state of nation"

ooh that's the one

"corn on the cob not sufficient substitute for refurbished democracy"

in other news

there was once a band called tv on the radio

do you think (former?) members

of that (former?) band

are still thinking

"yeah we really nailed it with that name"

"totally what we were going for there"

do you think anthony kiedis and flea

are camping right now

and chatting about how a great band name

like red hot chili peppers

really MAKES a band?

and then after that

they start talking about how they miss tv on the radio

"great band, great name"

"pass the marshmellows"

hm let's see what else

can anyone explain to me why i think ganglians and wand are related somehow?

since we're speaking of "bands"

still haven't heard wand

supposed to be good

i feel like i'm supposed to care about them

should i?

i don't

i like the scientists more

and scientist

and oh i dunno

tacos

tacos the band

ugh

this dave update is stupid

this has been a stupid dave update