hello

good morning

today feels like it's gonna be a hard one

lately i've been trying to focus on "wanting" less

but yesterday at therapy my therapist told me

hm

i guess the start of that sentence is kind of redundant

but yesterday my therapist told me a story

about russian orphanages

where some of the children weren't given any positive attention

they were fed and clothed and everything like that

but they were just left alone otherwise, not coddled or whatever

no positive physical contact i guess

guess what?

THEY DIED

that's not really something conclusive

doesn't really prove that you need positive physical contact to survive

at least in my opinion

but we kind of got into a big argument

nay

discussion

ha ha

nay

nay

nay

i'm officially a nay-sayer

NERD JOKE

we got into a discussion about whether or not human contact is a genuine need

i told her that

lately

i've been feeling like it is for me

even though i don't think it actually is

this is getting confusing

i mean to say that i've been frustrated with myself lately

because i don't believe that human contact is a real "Need"

(note the capital N there)

(N as in NERD)

but lately i've found myself feeling like i Need it

and it's disappointing to me

it's just the absence of it in my life that's stirring those feelings

but either way

it's disappointing because 1)

it creates a void that doesn't have to be there

like when you decide suddenly that you want a pet

and up until you get that pet

you just wish you had it

maybe you even buy like, dog toys or cat toys

or an aquarium

or a birdcage

big enough for a ferret

WHATEVER

suddenly this thing you'd never wanted or even thought about

is like the primary focus of your life

and YOU WILL NOT BE WHOLE

until you get this pet

that you'll forget to feed one day

and it'll chew through an electrical wire

thinking maybe it's edible

and then BZZT

that thing you NEEDED SO BAD is dead and it's ALL YOUR FAULT

way to go DICKHEAD

...

sorry

tangent

the point is

i feel like desire is ultimately only an obstacle

and it should be overlooked as much as possible

i remember a year or two ago

like, right when i started to have my most recent breakdown

i would walk through the city and get drunk

with like a $3 thing of ancient age and a tall boy of tecate

just walking around neighborhoods

and i'd go on drunken rants

but like, intentional drunken rants

did y'all ever see that one kids in the hall sketch?

where scott, dave, and kevin are drinking wine and waxing poetic about the moon?

(maybe bruce instead of dave actually, can't remember)

(definitely bruce)

(i think)

(ps)

(we're on a first name basis)

(me and the kids)

it's really over-wrought poetry and the joke is kind of how bad it is

and then kevin comes up and can't really come up with anything

it's not that funny

but i bring it up because i'd go on rants like those

and one good starting point for them was

"desire is a lone wolf"

or

"desire is a pack of wolves"

(wolves are very poetic animals)

(duh)

one thing i remember from that rant

is that wolves won't attack humans unless they feel threatened

then they'll RIP YOU APART

just like DESIRE

FUCKING DEEP RIGHT?????

anyways

having this exaggerated "need" for human contact

is also annoying because 2)

i really just can't come up with a way to satiate it

i mean i'm not meeting new people

and the relationships i already have are becoming strained

because i'm a pretty annoying person to be around right now

(if um)

(you couldn't tell)

(who the fuck is even still reading this right now?)

(if you are)

(please text "moon wolf")

(to 510 575 HISS)

(with your paypal address)

(and i'll send you a dollar)

(or if you don't have paypal then a mailing address)

(whatever)

(i'll have your number, we'll figure it out)

(offer void in nebraska)

so wanting human contact right now

is like wanting to fly

except i don't think anyone would be going through existential crises

because they can't fly

i mean if they are they've got some other problems anyways

LONG STORY SHORT

finally

we had this long conversation

where my therapist urged me to keep wanting things

and to also believe that attaining them was possible

and then last night i woke up at 4 in the morning

i'm not going to get into what i was thinking about

but needless to say i was wanting something that i can't have

i had a very painful panic attack

and then i looked at the mobile i made from tin foil and laser disc pieces

and tried to fall back asleep

and any time i'd start to panic again i'd just slap myself in the face

today feels like it's gonna be a hard one

this has been an intentionally long and possibly unreadable dave update