* SOME CONTEXT *

* this coming tuesday i will be doing a live dave update reading *

* this is my introduction *

* don't read it *

* or do *

* idk *

* live your life *

hello there

i am dave

i write the dave update

the best blog on the internet

it's true

go ahead and read all the other blogs on the internet

told ya

i can say confidently

that the dave update is the best blog on the internet

because honestly i don't think it's really a compliment

it's kind of like being the best dried cranberry in the trail mix

ew

thanks sunny for asking me to "perform" tonite

and sorry for accidentally sending you on book tour

tonite i'd like to read for you

some highlights from the best blog on the internet

as well as give you some details

about an exciting investment opportunity

but first

i am doing a dave update

AS WE SPEAK

well

as i speak

quiet down back there please

the dave update is a blog i have written for maybe 6 years

that was created as an indirect way of realizing

a life goal that i had no real desire to "work" towards "accomplishing"

that goal being becoming a *professional* writer

i had and still have no idea how to make people pay me for writing stuff

so i just started writing the dave update

while on the clock at my desk job

BOOM

professional writer

it's that easy

i guess

i really enjoy writing it

mostly because i really enjoy talking to myself

but doing this makes it feel like i've accomplished something

sometimes the dave updates are a little aimless

sometimes they tell jokes

this one is going to tell a joke

as a way of "breaking the ice"

and then i will get to the highlight reel

ok

this is sort of a true story as well as a joke

i work as a bartender at a venue

and one night a group of customers came up to the bar

and i said

"hey what can i get y'all"

one of them got sort of excited

and asked

"are you from the south?"

and i replied

"uh no, why do you ask?"

she said

"oh, you said y'all so i figured maybe you were from the south"

i replied

"no i say y'all because i don't like to assume the gender identity of strangers"

and she said

"oh so you're from the bay area"

THESE ARE THE JOKES PEOPLE

get comfortable because here comes a lot more where that came from

this has been a not really live dave update

hi frens

i have about 6 minutes to kill

before opening the store

so i wanted to take this moment

to drop a line to people that work at google

dear google

you notifying me

every time a "suspicious device"

logs into my gmail/instagram/whatever the fuck

is significantly creepier

than if some rando logged into my account

and started posting/emailing/whatevering fucked up shit

you have a problem google

you are a creep

do something about it

this has been a dave call out

hi frens

how about that last update?

yah i know it was exceptional

today i am very tired

i am listening to lo-fi beats to study and relax to

because i think the memes about it are funny

it's kinda boring though

i feel like i'm at a kinda cruddy coffee shop

but i guess that's where i would go to study something so there ya go

the animation is pretty great though

it's a woman with headphones on who looks bored af

is raining out

she keeps looking at her cat

who is watching the rain

is cute

wow

9070 people are watching this right now

hm

what to discuss

i feel like i just wanted to brag about how great my last update was

i really like this cookbook idea but don't want to write anything about it right now

too tired

maybe a good night for a bath?

probably not

would involve moving

now i wanna watch some anime

hm

seems like a good time for a movie that i don't have to pay attention to

would love some peanut butter cups too

hm

this dave update has been kind of dull

hi y'all

is dav

sup with it

not much to report

very busy lately

mostly in a good way

sometimes in a bad way

but always

ALWAYS

uh

.
.
.

recently i've considered writing a cook book

i think i might title it the dave cookbook

tips for cooking dave

oh that's a better one

"tips for cooking dave"

there it is

see young davers

writing is editing

or editing is writing?

hm

edit your writing

THE END

no not the end

cookbook

recipe 1

jazz breakfast

there's a lot of ways to make jazz breakfast

depending on your tastes

your dietary restrictions

etc etc

but the one thing you need for jazz breakfast

is jazz

this morning i started with the elements


with joe henderson & alice coltrane

what's for breakfast today?

JAZZ

and tacos

when i make breakfast tacos

i find i usually am making them for lunch

but i don't mind

see?

that's the jazz at work

nothing matters

i heat a pan

slap'a butter

i put pepper on the pan

cuz i'm kinda wild like that

rub a tortilla right on there

boom

flip it

boom

you know how emiril does bang?

i do boom

that's the jazz speakin'

that's the power of the jazz

let it go thru ya

that's the key to this recipe

anyways

crack an egg on that sucka

boom

cook that fuckin egg

flip that shit

put stuff you like on it

it's really that simple

cooking

you don't need me to tell you how to cook

just cook

make stuff that tastes good in your mouth

double check and make sure that stuff is not stuff you are allegic too

also it should be edible

dave cooking tip #1

don't use poison

i just don't do it, it's not good for the food

ok

egg is probably done now

i like it with a little melted cheese

dirty greens

(that's gonna have to be a different recipe)

(can't give you the whole book yet)

(daddy's gotta eat, ya know)

(is that a better name for the book?)

(no)

(tips for cooking dave)

(this book is gonna be great, it really is)

chunky salsa is good

but again

it's about you

make it how YOU like it

it's not tips for cooking FOR dave

so put whatever you want on it

put a live fuckin hen on it for all i care

spend your morning listening to some lady squawk about how you cooked her baby

(over jazz, of course)

(can't skip the jazz otherwise it's not jazz breakfast)

voila

recipe OVER

this has been a dave recipe