hey

to make up for that last HORRIBLE dave update

don't bother going back, it's terrible

anyways

i wanted you all to know a

*dave update*

seeeeeeecrettttttttttttt

hold on i kind of have to look this up


ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh my internet sucksssssssssssssssss

ok

FINALLY JEEZ

so there have beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen

327 dave updates

BUT

2 of them are "drafts"

one of those "drafts" is this one that is currently in progress

BUT WHAT OF THE OTHER DRAFT?

(i'm sure you all said?)

well

the other draft i've considered deleting several times

because obviously it will never be finished

but every time i start to delete it i think

"nah that's too funny"

i think part of that humor is that it's a draft and will never be published

so maybe i am about to ruin that slight bit of humor

but fuck it

below is the copy//pasted text

of the LOST DRAFT OF THE DAVE UPDATE......

"hiiiiiiiiiii

you guiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

why can't i stop eatinggggggggggggg

"

still pretty funny to me!

this has been a dave update b-side

hi everyone

it's me dave

AND BOY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

not in the normal jeez life sucks way

i haven't been this legit sick in YEARS

(legit sick = not hungover)

(though i can't think of any time i've ever had a 3 day hangover)

(well)

(at least not as like, a metaphor)

(like)

(i feel like any one of you could say)

("dave isn't your life one big hangover?")

(...)

(to which i apparently would have no reply)

i'm too sick for this parenthesis shit

whoa that's a pretty dope rap line though

i'm too-i'm too-i'm too-i'mmmmmmmm

i'm too sick for this parenthesis shit

this was a bad idea

this is an ill-advised dave update

ahhhhhh

i didn't even realize i was rocking an up-do in it

i've had my hair up because it's long and gets all in my face when i cough

hm

looks like a

what-do-you-call-it?

gibson girl?

WHATEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

i hate this dave update

this has been the worst dave update, no exaggeration here

hi y'all

it's me dave

i just mimed typing

"hi y'all"

"it's me dave"

because i started typing before i started recording

then i thought

"wait a second"

"i can't rip these people off"

siiiighhhhhhhhhhh

i'm watching dr katz right now

fuck

i should stop it for a minute

so that i can HEAR MYSELF THINK

i wonder if i am going to

haha

that's a funny thought

i am thinking about whether or not i am going to stop the tv

as though i am curious about the weather

maybe i should check and see if my knee is stolen

WHOOPS

you know what the music means

ok i'm just going to let this episode finish because

"our time is up"

this episode was the one where ben gets an earring

(sort of)

ok

now that that's over

i am wondering whether or not i am actually going to write an update or not

i have things to update you with

but I MEAN WHATEVER

one quick thing

does my right eye look weird?

been feeling weird lately

PROBABLY A BRAIN TUMOR

i have been thinking a lot

about how much of an influence dr katz is

on who i am today

which is i think maybe a symptom of a mental illness?

it totally looks weird!

hmmmmm

i think it just looks weird because i'm looking at myself on a fucking webcam

whose idea was this anyways?  jeez it's stupid

i gotta go look at myself in the mirror

if i have pink eye

I'M KILLING MYSELF

anyways

i think i stole all of my jokes from ben katz

OOPS

ok fuck this

this has been the dave update and go to hell

hi everyone

i had to write

well

LET ME COLLECT MY THOUGHTS

for just a moment

ok

this is less a dave update

than an open letter to the ford company

and a question i honestly want answered

ok

dear ford company

(or whatever)

your new hybrid automobile is called the c-max

can you think of any more obvious words//terms

that could be used as both car names//nicknames for the clitoris?

because i dave d'estroyer honestly can't

well

lemme try

(it should probably start with a c, right?)

(i mean cuz c = clit and apparently c's are good luck for cars)

(or something about toyota)

(or was it honda?)


(OH GOD DAMN IT I'M GETTING DISTRACTED)



(anyways)

(c)

the best i can do right now is c-turbo

but c-turbo doesn't include the x at the end

which has obvious pornographic precidence

presidence?

ew i don't think so

precedence!

yeah!

maybe

ANYWAYS MR FORD

i'd like to know if you can come up with anything better

also i'd like to know if this was intentional

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why am i awake

this has been the dave update

hi everyone

this is another dave update on video

still think it's funny, not sure why

TIME WILL TELL

today's update is actually a series of thoughts

(in order)

that i had today

1

"what is up with these drivers today????"

2

"is this a one-way street or something?"

3

"oh"

4

"this is a one-way street"

and finally 5

"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"

this has been a dave update

HI THERE

oops

caps lock

today i am doing a dave update on video

i thought it would be a funny idea to record myself

typing

...

so far it is a little distracting

i think maybe it's funny?

OH WHO FUCKING CARES

GO EAT SHIT

i think that the video is probably without sound

because i don't get this computer stuff

but maybe it's better that you can't actually hear me

laughing at my own thoughts

alone in my room

listening to not one but two different fans running

it's like a white noise machine

but one that is meant to annoy you

i need to get out more

and by out i don't mean

"out on the internet"

even though i actually dressed up a little

not like DRESSED UP

but i definitely looked at myself before i started recording

i'm gonna look at myself again

wait here

i think the storm clouds are a good choice

i don't really know why i think filming this is funny

but i'm pretty sure it is

although i am worried that if i get in the habit of it

i will start to forget that it is on

i already almost picked my nose

did you notice????

i'll do it again

see how i went to pick it

but then pretended i was just scratching an itch?

dave d'estroyer ladies and gentlemen

master at the art of

uh

slyly picking his nose?

wait

no

because i didn't actually pick it

oh fuck this

hahahaha

i tried to put 2 fingers up one nostril

DFSN

i don't know how these fetish webcammers do it

now my nose hurts a little

ok

apparently we have company

so i'ma wrap dis up

(dis = this)

uh

fuck a sick dick

(i got that one from laura dern)

(so good!)

this has been the dave update

EDIT - it didn't work!

so here's my question

now that there is no video

is it funnier or less funny?

post a comment and let me know

this is YOUR dave update you know

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY IT'S BEEN SO QUIET LATELY

this has been yet another dave guilt trip

hey you

what's shakin

i don't know if i've ever gone on a twitter rant here or not

BUT HERE GOES NOTHING

my favorite twitter account had only 1 tweet

and that tweet was "eatin macaroni"

today i discovered that i have a second favorite twitter account

and it is len cella's twitter account

twitter.com/Godcella

if you don't know who len cella is

then you should check out "moron movies" on youtube

he is something of a personal hero

or he would be

if i knew him at all

and gave enough of a shit about life to have "heroes"

you know what

unless len cella or anyone else saves you from a burning building

then you should probably not refer to anyone as

YOUR HERO


anyways

he has only 7 tweets but they are all worth your time

his most recent one was from 2009

and actually i just noticed that all of his tweets are from mar 9th 2009

and his twitter handle is GODCELLA

oh len

you are so funny.

(that's not sarcasm)

(sometimes it's hard to tell on the internet)

(but despite the fact that pointing out that something i said isn't sarcasm)

(just makes it sound more sarcastic)

(TRUST ME LEN)

(i think you are so funny.)

ok what else

FUCK A SICK DICK

this has been a really great dave update!

i give it a b

plus!

later