hi there

sorry, i don't have anything to talk about today

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pulsewidth/

that's all

this has been the dave update

ok

i just wrote one of these but i have nothing to do at work until our computers get back up

i don't understand what i've been doing wrong

but i can't get happy about anything right now

i had practice last night and i didn't care

oh also i had practice yesterday but i didn't care

last night we watched youtube videos of big band performances

and then i saw this cool video of some group "poeme electronique"

which i guess i'll listen to now

because what else am i going to do

i don't know what to do

young davers

i don't believe that i'm capable of anything

i mean

the only reason i have a job is because we're absurdly understaffed

and my boss knows it'll be more of a pain to hire one or maybe two people to replace me

plus he'll have to pay unemployment

but i can't do this job at all any more, can't handle it

no one here really gives a shit about me anyways

i've spent like 3 or 4 years with these people and i think that's long enough for all of them to have "figured me out" ha ha

ha ha ha ha

that's where most people make friends you know

i read that somewhere

so it's probably true

why am i fucking writing this right now?

fuck this fuck this

sorry young davers

this has been an unnecessary and worthless bonus dave update

hi there

i feel miserable

BIG FUCKING SURPRISE

who even cares

hey!

i have an idea!

why don't i fucking write about it?

that'll help me "sort it out"

you know, in my head

and then i'll feel a little better

plus by "puttin it out there"

the internet will let all my friends know that i'm having trouble right now

and then they'll get in touch

because they care

this is gonna be EASY

and i will totally feel like life is worth living after this

because people are kind to me

here in san francisco

god fucking damnit

ok

fuck this

this has been another fucking dave update and there will be another one and another one and another one

oh shit

this might be the one

here it comes

darlene?

i'm coming for ya hun

this has been the dave premonition

hello

strange day yesterday

everything is strange

that's a lazy adjective

let's see if i can do better

yesterday was a day full of conflict

hm

that sounds more interesting but it's probably not that accurate

hm

hm

hm

yesterday was a mixed bag

ups and downs

it's strange how extended days feel lately

i really like it

you know when you do a lot in one day

and you say to yourself something like

"wait, did we go sledding today or was that yesterday?"

"seems so long ago"

bee tea dubs where can one go sledding around here????

that sounds fun right now

510 575 HISS if you know a spot

i'm seriously disappointed in the lack of action my phone has seen

seriously, this number has been posted a lot of places

maybe i should switch to bathroom walls

oh!

on that note!

SWIFTUMZ is STEALING my SCHTICK

on the cover of the swiftumz record

there's a sticker with his phone number

which wouldn't annoy me

EXCEPT

i bet people will call him

DAMN YOU SWIFTUMZ

THIS MEANS WAR

i bet swiftumz will be one of my search keywords now

yesterday i saw "what is the dave update?" on there

which i thought was hilarious

oh

by the way

super, extrme, gnarly, overgrown bushy, hairy hairy pussy

(just want to make sure i'm still the first stop for that search keyword)

i wish i hadn't copy/pasted the whole text message from live 360 or whatever

because that stupid url is filling up my search keywords

hm what else

oh!

well...

nevermind

i was told today that i look older without a beard

which honestly bummed me out a little ha ha

shit, phone

phew

did i already talk about phantom gchats?

i think i did

i just wanna talk with someone today at work

not to like talk about SOMEthing in particular

just because conversations make the day go by more quickly

it's a FACT

i wonder what happened to that it's a FACT girl?

from kids in the hall?

i'm gonna google "what happened to that it's a FACT girl?"

RIGHT NOW

which i guess means i am technically live-blogging right now

hm

no real results

strange

apparently her name "might be" Erica Lancaster

like

the most definitive thing i could find was a comment on a youtube video

that said she "might be" Erica Lancaster

hm

google erica lancaster and it sends you to erica fairfield's imdb page

which doesn't have a picture

this is HARD

nardwuar, how do you do it???

ok

i want a bagel

if you are the "it's a FACT" girl from the kids in the hall

i thought you were very funny

and would love to know what you are doing now

510 575 HISS

ok

thanks

this is apparently the 193rd dave update

hi there

heyyyyyyy

new zola jesus

cool

MAN

last night

while in bed

i had an idea for today's dave update

TOTALLY forgot it now

i think it might have been about how i'm 29 and still have a total baby face

kind of

it's like a baby face from far away

and then close up i just look like shit

ha ha

but like

YOUNG shit

i just shaved my beard

which seriously lowers my age by like 5 or 6 years

i'm gonna get carded for a couple weeks now

whoaaaaaa

new zola jesus is going for it

i like it but it's a little weird

i mean not really

i don't know

nick and i were talking about the new girls record the other day

(hi nick!)

and i was telling him i didn't really care about what i heard from it

because it just sounded so live, it sounded like a live rock record

not in the way it was recorded

just in the way where

hm

it sounds like the songs are "made to ROCK" in a live setting

in a bad way

this new ZJ sounds like that in a good way maybe?

but i don't know, volume swells are a little generic but these ones have layers

bah

i'm gonna stop trying to explain why i like or don't like what i like or don't like

STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

last night was really odd

there was some strange tension when i got home

and something in me knew "STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT"

so that's what i did

but then i was like

"well"

"what the fuck else do i want to do?"

last night was actually a bit of a bummer

i just didn't want to do nothing

so i just cleaned my room

which actually felt pretty good this morning

i love when you wake up and forgot you cleaned

and now, later, i'm gonna go home and it's gonna be clean

y'all wanna hear a kind of silly thing i do?

don't worry it's not gross

so remember in LA Story?

when steve martin's shitty girlfriend is explaining her theory about accessories?

of course you do, oh, what's her name again

marlo something?

marla something?

WHATEVER

not sarah jessica parker and not that british lady

but she says that she'll get ready

and then go to the mirror and turn away from it

when she turns back to it she takes off the first thing she notices

i do that when i'm rearranging

i go outside and then walk back in

and see what i notice and what i like and what i don't like

it's a little silly but it works well

i also do other silly things

liiiiiike hm

i don't know

lately i don't microwave stuff unless i have to

that's not really that silly though

hm

i thought i was supposed to be "quirky"

isn't that in my life description?

where are the silly things i do???

sudoku doesn't count

oh i have a really hard time tipping someone when they're RIGHT THERE

except bartenders because it's so standard

i would have a really hard time not tipping a bartender when they're RIGHT THERE

but like baristas or whatever?

it's so awkward!

especially if you sort of know them? because you've been coming in a lot?

today the barista at the cafe on my corner

(5th & homeless jack-off alley)

(in case you wanna google it)

noticed that i shaved my beard

she told me it looks good and said my name

that second part sounds innocuous but it was strange

because i know someone else's name there

but not hers

and she definitely doesn't know my name from me

things that make you go HMMMMMMMMMMM

so

only last year

did i realize that people MIGHT talk about me when i am not there

it came to me because of something a now ex-friend said

it was actually a totally rude thing to say

which in light of how our friendship ended should have been something of a red flag

i'm not going to say it here

actually you know what?

fuck it

i am going to say it here

because it's something else i have an opinion on

he said that he and someone else were talking

and they both agreed that i was "super into the ladies" or something like that

which i know on paper doesn't really sound that rude but i was really offended by the way he put it

i don't know, it pisses me off that i apparently have something of a reputation for this

because

while i'm not going to pretend i'm not interested in women

and i'm maybe a little over-eager to make a connection with someone

(please note)

(if i meant "get laid" in that last sentence)

(i would say "get laid")

(it sounds corny but i said "make a connection")

(because that's what i want)

(SO THERE)

but i don't know, i feel like if you have a reputation for being "super into the ladies"

then you sound like a womanizing horn-dog

AND I'M NOT

besides

i haven't been on a real date in like welllllllll over a year

so take that, "reputation"

sorry to get distracted by that but that's a pretty sincere frustration

i don't care much about what people think about me

i know people think i'm a sap or dense or a wide variety of things

but i just don't ever want to be seen as someone who uses anyone

i just think that's a fucked up thing, male or female

ok

should i even tell the story about learning about people talking about me?

i've been typing awhile

who cares

i haven't had a good long dave update in awhile

so anyways

i don't know, it really only registered to me this year that people might talk about me when i'm not around

because for one i don't think people ever did before

i mean probably not in arizona

no one gave a shit about me in arizona until about 3 months before i left

3 months before i left MAN i was hot shit

ha ha

not really but i just met more people and "widened my social circle"

and then i left and people probably said stuff like

"did dave leave already?"

"too bad"

"he owed me money"

"guess that's $5 i'll never see again"

but last year was the first year i ever heard someone talk shit about me with me not there

i mean WHY BOTHER san francisco?

that's like tripping a cripple

hm

this direction isn't really the well of creativity i'd hoped for

although i do like the way tripping a cripple sounds out loud

ok

this is probably enough

i like this new zola jesus

this has been the dave update

hi there

life is weird

i had such a boring weekend

i was into it for awhile but i felt a little useless afterwards

we went to folsom street fair to take pictures

i dressed as shitty as possible

i wore sweat pants and a tie-dye donald duck shirt

i kept on trying to get some stains on my pants but they were surprisingly quick drying

in either case

my concept for the outfit was that the folsom street fair doesn't represent my sexual lifestyle

that sexual lifestyle being "stoned and lazy"

we tried to throw together a whole motto and parade and what not

but fuck that shit

instead i watched like 2 seasons of Party Down

(which i guess is all of party down)

and then cleaned the living room some

we finally installed the final support for the loft!

that's exciting news to me

which means it better be damned exciting for you too

PUNK

it also means i need to start hitting up craigslist again

for some free furniture up there

oh wow

found some cool design tables

i love the free listings

anyways

life is weird

it's hard to reconcile the differences between the life you imagined for yourself

and the reality of this life

i for one thought i'd not have a beard

but some things you just can't plan for

but seriously folks

right now i'm thinking about how you yourself actually do make your own life

but it never works out exactly right

i'm thinking about this right now because i know that i want my life to be different

and while there are certain tangible things that i want to happen

i don't really know what in the way of a "broader" change is possible or desirable

i feel like i'm not really hitting the nail on the head here

are these the boring dave updates?

i've talked about this before i think

bah

i have to work

if anyone has any good creative ideas

for what's next in the life of dave gulbis

please call

510 575 HISS

and i will give you 10%

and 2 points

deal?

that's a pretty generous deal

you'd be a fool not to take it up

ok

i love you

for real this time

this has been the dave update

hello

tick tock tick tock

upstairs i can hear footsteps and water

it goes through pipes in my room

sounds like a river peeing

that might look like a lazy metaphor but it's not

that's how it sounds

don't blame me if you haven't heard a river peeing

you've just never been in my room i guess

BLAHHHHHHHHHH

i'm tired of talking in circles

this has been the dave update

hi there

it's dave

hello

i'm feeling weird right now because i'm POSITIVE i just heard my little gchat thing go off

as though someone were talking to me

VIA THE INTERNET

what a brave new world

but i looked on there and saw NOTHING

i even searched my mail for "chat"

to see if i'd accidentally closed it

NOTHING

nothing new at least

annoying

that's like the new phantom ring for me

i always keep gmail open at work

and at the bottom of the screen

so you can always see if you have new mail

or if someone's chatting you up

but i always have to do double takes

it's EXACTLY like a phantom ring

not exactly but close

OK

JEEZ

WHAT A STORY

anyways

"theo"

i remembered!

i also sent myself a reminder that said "e-mail dan savage about sensitive man dick syndrome"

but that's ANOTHER story

hahahahahaha

i thought about explaining it because that sounds so fucking weird

and it's not at all

but fuck it

it's funnier to let you figure out what that means

i got really stoned last night, i was having such great ideas

just getting really creative

we watched "singapore sling" which i'm going to google right now

because it was genuinely MIND-BLOWING

like, unreal how good it was

wait here

ok

apparently it won some awards but was also banned in a bunch of places

it was seriously great

really really filthy at times

like, a woman fucks a dude tied to a bed and then vomits on him

BUT

i swear to you it's totally good beyond that

maybe i should have said despite that but that scene was kind of amazing

i kept on thinking throughout it that i wanted to write the director a letter

that's all

BUT

before we started watching singapore sling

i was sitting down with my roommate

and i've been kinda wanting to talk with him for a bit

just because i feel like something's up

i don't want to get into details

but i was sitting down

kind of rehearsing how i was gonna bring it up with him

(in my head of course)

i was thinking of stuff like "hey man, you doin' alright lately?"

"just wanted to check in, cuz like, you're my bud an'all"

"if things got ya down, we can talk about it, you know"

"i mean if you just want to kick it that's cool too but..."

"i'm here for you man"

that kind of stuff

but when he came downstairs to sit next to me

i thought to myself

"well, is this gonna work? is this gonna be helpful?"

and then i thought about the way i had been "saying" it in my head

and all i could think was "it might work but...."

"just don't talk in the 'theo from the cosby show' accent"

i don't know which of my many personalities chimed in with that insight

but they were RIGHT ON

the whole time in my head i was definitely doing it in the theo accent

and THEN i couldn't STOP doing the theo accent

so i couldn't even talk to my roommate

this is why i can't talk about feelings you guys

not because i'm embarrassed

i mean i don't know if anything embarrasses me any more

probably some things but nothing important i guess

but i just really like doing accents

hahahahahahahhahahaa

i don't think this is funny to anyone but me

but holy shit is it funny to me

maybe you had to be there

and by "there"

i mean "me"

not everyone can be so lucky

ha ha ha ha

this has been the dave update

hi there

BONUS DAVE UPDATE

but actually not right now

cause i'm stoned as hell and can't remember it quite right

but remind me if i don't tell it tomorrow

and this will help me remember

"theo"

ok

this shit better be this damn funny tomorrow

this has been a rare but exciting dave "teaser"

hi there

i had all these deep thoughts last night while i was cooking

but nothing coming to mind right now

i'm too tired today

i actually just cancelled the public practice scheduled for tonight

because i just hadn't put any effort into it yet

and it just seemed,

i don't know

like a wrong time i guess?

i just thought about it and was like

well

these are usually fun for me

but i really think staying in tonight sounds like more fun

just bein' honest

i started to write "so much on my mind right now"

but then i realized i had written "nothing coming to mind right now" earlier

like, "technically" the sentence prior to this one

not that these really count as sentences but i'm just trying to make it sound like a very small gap

anyways

what i MEAN

i suppose

is that because i've been thinking about a whole buncha junk

i don't really have anything that i'd like to share

maybe this is what people mean when they talk about overthinking things

like

if you think about something too much

you exhaust your ability to deal with it

not like deal with it like actually do something about it

but deal with it like hear about it

like when that bus tipped onto me and nearly crushed me

i spent 3 hours thinking to myself

"how am i gonna get out of THIS one?"

but then after thinking about it for awhile i was like

"fuck this, i'm sick of thinking about this stupid bus"

so i just lifted it off of me and walked it off

i DEALT with it because i couldn't DEAL with it any more

should i wait for a moment for you to process that story?

pretty mind-blowing, don't i know it

...

...

ok

so if you exhaust your ability to "deal" with something

then you only really have one viewpoint

because instead of bouncing thoughts off other people

your one thought keeps racing around your head

like a superball ricocheting in a very small room

(that thing's gonna take an eye out bee tea dubs)

and then you get sick of the stupid superball and just "lift the bus"

so to speak

but sometimes there's a better way

like, i don't know, maybe i should have driven the bus off me or something

this metaphor is losing steam

but what i mean is that when you overthink things

you close yourself off to outside input

or i mean fuck maybe just I do that

maybe this ain't YP but MP

i never understood that stupid phrase

who the fuck says "sounds like that's YP and not MP"

sounds so dumb

oh!

i watched dazed and confused last night for the first time in awhilllllllllle

shit is soooooo goooooooood

ok

now i'm distracted and thinking about dazed and confused

now i'm gonna go smoke a cigarette

ok

check ya later

this has been the dave update

hello

last night was pretty killer

after a long day of work

GOD

they are all long days of work

anyways

we had waste rig practice and it sounded great

then i went to amnesia and suzy sounded incredible

sooooo gooooooood

the visuals were predictably RAD too

can always count on suzy to make something look cool

it was just a fun night

THAT'S ALL

i'm a little concerned today

i have like a weird lump on my wrist

it feels like a bruise but it's not really discolored

it's just raised a little

not even really like a lump either

just mildly swollen

oh also i bumped into nick stone last night

i'm mentioning his full name

because i bet that he got home

and wondered to himself

"does this mean i'm gonna be in tomorrow's dave update?"

not EVERY time nick

but yes

this time

congrats

i think i need to start doing these at home some more

it's been busy enough at work lately that i can't really WILE OUT on the updates

got shit to do

can't get all distracted thinking about life and shit

these records won't get lost in the mail by themselves

(these e-mails however can actually be ignored by themselves)

THAT'S ALL

IT'S OVER

this has been a non-wiled-out dave update

hi there

yawn

WHAT A WEEK

oh

coffee's probably ready

LORD KNOWS I COULD USE IT

AFTER A WEEK LIKE MINE

hm

i felt like there was a joke coming there

but clearly it's not looking good

ok

maybe coffee will help

ok

ladies and gentlemen

(like enough people read my blog for those to be plural)

here is some insight into the enigma that is DAVE

when i went to go get coffee

out of nowhere i thought to myself

"fuckin music critics"

"lil brats who idolized their stupid english teacher"

"nothing is original but you can at least try to not emulate some obnoxious teacher you probably only liked because you had an annoying crush on her"

then i got coffee

all this was spurred by looking at like, the first sentence of a pitchfork review

"But the story of British avant-rock band Disco Inferno certainly proves how hard it could be to try something new in the days before the internet allowed you to get your music out to a worldwide audience without the cost, financial and otherwise, of widespread touring, album production, and distribution-- all that supposedly 20th-century baggage."

FUCK YOU YOU PITCHFORK WEINER

UGHHHHHHHHHHH

who the fuck writes book reports in their spare time

who the fuck listens to music because they want to better understand the difficulties of "trying something new"

fuck talking about shit that you do instead of talking about because why would you talk about something that's no fun to say?

i don't know why i feel so proud of that last sentence

i just re-read it and it doesn't make much sense

oh well

i'm sticking with it

ok

i really hope one of my search keywords this week is "FUCK YOU YOU PITCHFORK WEINER"

two more things

one

my legs won't stop shaking lately

two

fuck

i forgot two

hm

yup

gone

my bad

that'll do it

this has been the dave update

hi there

uh

i don't know

i could talk about a lot but really i should work

yeah

i know

the dave update has been subpar lately

maybe i should tell a joke

what do masturbation and procrastination have in common?

they're both fun until you realize you're just fucking yourself

i am confident that the dave update will again return to its former glory

but right now i have had a friend in town and for whatever reason i only feel like writing when i have more time to myself

until then young davers

until then

this has been the dave update

hello there

i went home sick yesterday

ok

so

it sucks being sick when you have a guest in town

because even in this case

where my guest is sick as well

and all we did was watch episodes of newsradio

and harold and maude

(she'd never seen it!)

(holy diver i cried BIG TIME at the end this time, jeebus)

(i never caught before that maude was a holocaust survivor!)

(also apparently there's a scene cut from the movie)

(where they made giant letters from driftwood)

(to spell out the words "FUCK WAR")

UGHHHHHHHHH

i still feel GROSS

but these bitchy e-mails don't answer themselves

but anyways

i just feel bad because my friend is visiting the city

and we've gone here and there

but ultimately i think we've just spent a lot of time smoking weed and watching tv

i mean we made it to bay area 51 one night

and also the beach, etc

i still feel like i'm slackin on the whole "painting the town red" thing

but i also feel like shit

so what can you do

ok

i don't really have brain power for a long good classic dave rant

oh

here's a story

i have a friend

named christi ginger

hope she doesn't mind that she's been outed as a friend of mine

she was actually an ex

so if anyone is coming to my blog

because they searched for "dirt on christi ginger"

510 575 HISS

i got all the dirt you need

ha ha

JUST KIDDING

snitches get stitches

and christi was always super sweet, even when she dumped me ha ha

ANYWAYS

she has a unique sense of humor

which frankly i was always blown away by

she's INSANELY creative

and we don't really talk much any more

so rest assured that this isn't me just building up some friend of mine

christi ginger is hilarious

MOVING ON

this story is taking forever

christi works at twitter

and has a funny picture for her avatar or whatever the fuck

(i don't get twitter)

it's her wearing those new year's eve glasses

the glasses were for 2010 i think?

and both the zeroes were the eye holes

but it was for 2011

so christi put a "+1" on the glasses

i thought it was really funny

so when i was still on twitter

i tweeted at her

"i love your picture, classic ginger!"

and she wrote back

"thanks, yeah, my face is pretty classic me huh?"

this story might not be funny at all

please remember readers

I DON'T OWE YOU SHIT

also my head feels like it is full of nitrous

so sue me if my christi ginger story wasn't funny

later

this has been the dave update

hi there

i am definitely sick

oh well

also

if you ever want to get rid of a canvasser

canvassier?

whatever

just tell them "i've got priors"

they leave you alone

did i say that already??

am i repeating dave updates?

ugh

i blame the ocean

this has been an under-the-weather dave update

hello there

i think i'm getting a little sick

but it's cool

cuz i already ate some garlic

so i should be FINE like RIGHT AWAY

SIGH

let's sit down ok?

that's better

so now

the dave update

let's start there

where is this going?

i have no idea

stick with it for a minute though

ok

hm

it's hard to stick to a concept you don't understand

and don't really care about

i've forgotten about this dave update like 3 times now

someone just hit me up on gchat but i was hitting esc at the same time

so i just closed that window

i hope it wasn't a super old friend

who was writing me from

BAH

i don't feel like making a joke

i feel good

outside of being sick and tired

ha

sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED

I JUST MADE THAT SHIT UP

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS DAVE UPDATE?

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THIS HAS BEEN THE DAVE UPDATE

hi there

well now

interesting week thus far

the bats RULE by the way

god

already music has me feeling good

though maybe a little uncapable

i listened to martin newell this morning

and of course HE'S great

but now the bats are really doing it for me right now

ha ha

there's this buzzer that goes off in our office

i actually don't know what it does

but it sounds exactly like the family feud sound

you know the one

"survey says?"

then that big ol' X hits the screen

NO

YOU IDIOT

YOU'VE EMBARRASSED YOUR FAMILY ON NATIONAL TV

anyways

it went off as that last bats song was coming to a close

and

oh

fuck this story

the end

that story was just going nowhere

takes a brave man to admit when he's just rambling

can't wait for that bagel to finish toasting

i should start a twitter account for every time i think about food

ha ha ha

i typed that in

and then my bagel finished toasting

so i got up

and thought to myself

"this is a good idea"

but by the time i got back i had already forgotten what i'd written

and i re-read it

and i no longer think it's a good idea

because it would just be a list that said

pizza.

crackers.

egg salad sandwich.

i hope that when i die it says "internet sensation" on my tombstone

ha ha ha ha

in fact young davers

consider that a demand

when i die it better fucking say "internet sensation" on my tombstone

i just changed my gchat status to internet sensation

but i should change it to "internet sensation" because i think it's funnier in quotes

DON'T FORGET THE QUOTES WHEN I DIE

also

FUCK THE NEW RAPTURE

jesus christ

in the cornball high school movie that is life

the rapture is like that annoying kid

who, after you spend all night trying to figure out how the fuck to do the dougie

you go to the dance and the rapture comes up to you as you're NAILING the dougie

and says

"the dougie? lame"

"everyone's doing the worm now dude"

it's like

they were on fucking gravity

and now this "how deep is your love" song sounds like "100% pure love"

shit SUCKS

fucking pathetic

so says dave gulbis

"internet sensation"

(if i start ingraining it in your heads now it's more likely to stick)

god yesterday's dave update was so good i'm gonna go read that shit AGAIN

see you nerds later

this has been the dave update

hi there

this is a quick one

really just a thought i had

and felt like

"hey maybe if i put this thought on the dave update"

"no one will complain about how much the dave update sucks lately"

so

i've been seeing a lot of news articles about clothing that is apparently offensive

the latest one i saw was about a shirt that says "skool sucks"

but before that i saw one about "i'm too pretty for algebra" or something like that

every article i've seen about them makes me think the same thing

"man"

"i really want one of those shirts"

i DO!

because skool does fucking SUCK

fuck algebra, everyone is too fuckin pretty for algebra

everyone who is in school right now is stupid

and everyone who hasn't dropped the fuck out already is a NERD

that is all

this has been the best dave update i've ever written

hahahahahahah

IT'S TRUE

hi there

too tired right now to talk

maybe later but i have a guest in town so probably not

we'll see

this has been an entirely-too-common non-dave-update

me: oh mother fucker
i just sat directly on my penis
how did that happen?
that was painful
oh god
stefan: you make me happy
me: hahahahahahahahaa
i'm posting this conversation in the dave update because my entry today was pathetic
ugh i can still feel it in my gut, i didn't know you could do that

hi there

well

hm

i don't know

probably not

this strikes me as a good time to try the "view random post" button

this has been the dave update

hi there

weird day

already

woke up this morning at 6

couldn't get back to sleep for an hour

i hate that

i am the worst at waking up

i can only wake up when i'm in someone else's bed

i was actually thinking about this last night

waking up in someone else's bed is probably the only time that i wake up and feel good

i just always wake up and feel TIRED

but if i'm in someone else's bed it's like

"hello there, where am i? who are you? this is new"

that makes it sound like i get amnesia every morning

does one "get" amnesia?

maybe one "suffers from" amnesia

is amnesia even the right word here?

hm

WHATEVER

anyways

i saw something really great on the way to work

this dude yelled down an alley

"ain't you got something better to do than play in the water?"

then he just started cracking up

so i looked down the alley

and there was a cop

with his feet in a puddle

and the most sheepish, guilty look on his face

i called it the "that may not have just been a fart" face

that was funny, that was a good start to the day

then someone called me an asshole for trying to turn left on my bike

and those good vibes went down the tubes

oh well

maybe he meant it as a compliment

this has been the dave update

hello

sorry

i don't even know why i said hi today

i don't feel like talking to you or anyone

yesterday i was eating pizza

and i just dropped it and started crying

i mean what the fuck?

how bad is my life that i can't fucking eat pizza?

how pathetic is that

so

fuck this

fuck you in fact

fuck everything

fuck pizza

this has been the dave update

does this work right now?

let's see

stupid fucking internet

stupid fucking everything

this has been the dave update test post

hi there let's hope this works this time i made the mistake of "updating" blogger now i don't know how to use it and it doesn't seem to notice when i skip a line fuck you internet, no joke you were supposed to be such a good thing but now everyone is horrible and it's your fault that's right it's the internet's fault sigh another day another dollar i don't think i want to talk about anything any more or at least not right now this has been the dave update

hi there for some reason blogspot looks all weird right now hope this still works otherwise that's a big chunk of my time down the drain i mean i have what we in the blog world refer to as "MOMENTUM" right now ha ha i'm already over this joke this joke is horrible today is not my day yesterday i bought a rug for $2.25 today i feel a little under the weather and completely unmotivated to do anything so dave update there it went say bye bye this has been the dave update

hi there

sometimes i write the dave update at work

(usually actually)

because i feel good about getting paid to write it

(even though i'm actually paid to not write it)

but i always wanted to be a writer in some capacity

so i figure if i can technically say i'm getting paid while writing these

then i can check PROFESSIONAL WRITER off my list of things i'd like to be

today i am smoking while writing this

and even though it's on a laptop

i feel like i can probably check BEATNIK off too

that's one of my favorite clean songs btw

i think it's the clean at least

if any readers can confirm or deny

that number again is 510 575 HISS

am i taking too much pride in my phone number?

probably

not really the beatnik way i suppose

next on the list is secretary i think

i really do honestly want to be a secretary

i love being patronizingly friendly

and having a job that isn't important at all

NOT THAT SECRETARIES AREN'T IMPORTANT

i don't need any angry letters from secretaries

i just don't think anyone really views it as a calling

(except for me)

(because i think i'd be really good at it)

(i've gone on long enough i hope)

(that you all realize i'm not joking)

ok

not often i do weekend dave updates

but i just rearranged my room

and i feel better today

that's all

this has been the dave update

hi there

i put a "view random post" link on here

i encourage you to click it

but maybe you should do it after you read this one?

up to you i guess

last night i met a homeless guy named stuart

he was nice

he was NOT into what i was playing though

he left like 2 seconds into my jam

which was fair enough, sounded a little weird last night

it was a cool spot though

i forgot my power strip

and stefan went back home to grab it

and stuart came along

we hung out for a bit

WHATEVER

who cares

fuck this

go click the "view random post" link

maybe a day will come up where i gave a fuck

this has been the dave update

hi there

bonus dave update

it's not exciting though

i was having a conversation on gchat

and i was bitching about shit

(BELIEVE IT OR NOT)

and i wrote a rant but deleted it

because it's pointless to just complain to someone

especially when you're like me

and you're so fucking blockheaded that conversations are pointless

but i figured i would post it here

because maybe someday i'll go back and read it

and remember exactly how i feel right now

for better or worse

so

here goes:

"i'm broke and in debt and don't make enough money to get any footing, i hate my job but don't really have any other options, and even if i could get rid of these two problems that don't really stress me out THAT much there's so much other shit. i can't find any way to be happy, i just feel like a miserable person without any real place to fit into."

now i click "publish post"

and then nothing changes

this has been the dave update

hey there

two nights ago i got into a conversation about "constructive reality"

hm

two nights ago i got into a conversation about "constructive reality"

today i don't really feel like discussing it

i'm worried

for a lot of reasons

and i don't want to talk

all i want to do is sleep

fuck this

this has been the dave update