hello

this weekend has been miserable

i didn't write one of these yesterday because i thought it would be too depressing

i'm not sure what's different about today but here we are

i think maybe i should stop doing this

i think i should stop talking altogether

i felt so depressed yesterday i could barely move

today i'm just walking really slow

improvement

fuck this

this blog was supposed to be funny

(i think?)

i am an awful person in all of my dreams lately

i keep waking up with different little cuts on my body too

tiny ones

like if you put your hand down a tube to grab something

you would be unsurprised if you got a little cut

they're that size

maybe mice are nibbling on me while i sleep

ugh

this weekend has been awful

hanging out with nick and sonia was nice though

but everything else has been miserable

and the same thought keeps popping into my head

"last straw last straw"

it never is by the way

friday i left a show with a bunch of friends

(or if not friends people whose names i know)

i couldn't breathe

i went to tiger bar and lillian gave me a bunch of free drinks

she offered to be my step-mom and licked her hand to flatten down a cow-lick on my head

when i was walking home i talked with a homeless guy for a few blocks

he was really into basketball

i gave him five dollars because he was being really nice to me

not in a "hey i want money so i'm gonna be nice to you" way

(even though let's face it that was probably the case)

but we just started talking and it was a cool conversation

we showed each other our ids for some reason

his name was spencer ricky something

i called him ricky

seemed like a ricky

lillian is strange but great

she went back and forth with me for a bit

she looked at me and said i was a good person

("she could tell")

and then she sort of made fun of me for being sad

"let me guess"

"nobody likes you? can't fit in? feeling lonely?"

"ha ha ha"

"who hasn't been there"

we had like 4 shots of jagermeister there

i don't really like jagermeister but when it's free who cares

fernet jr

i got really drunk friday

i had a half pint of whiskey on my lunch break

and just kept going for the rest of the night

i think i give off a sick aura

not like siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

but like toxic

i think i must look like damaged goods

i hate getting in this gross void but i don't know what else to do lately

people are avoiding me and for good reason i'm sure

enough of this

i'm going to have another shitty sunday

and then go to work for 5 more days

and then have another shitty weekend

i would change it but i can only think of one way

and saturday i discovered that there are still some things that i am scared of

other than heights and spiders

i never used to be afraid of heights but i started having dreams where

every time i was on a really high building

or a really high place

(once it was a big cruise ship)

i would get dragged over the edge

by some invisible force

and then fall fall fallllllllllllllll

BOOOOOOOM wake up

now sometimes when i'm up high i feel that force

it's like an anti-wind

it doesn't push you it pulls

life is no kind

this has been the dave update