hello dear readers

it's me, dave!

how have you been

it's been a minute since we last "hung out"

how're things?

cool

oh me?

i'm fine

you know

life and what not

staying busy

sort of

i got this zit in an uncomfortable place yesterday

no no

nowhere like THAT

you pig you

it's like underneath my nostril

not like underneath

like in between my nostril and my plain ol face

see it?

i kind of scratched it off already so it just looks red

that's not gross!  shut up

don't make fun

no i do that all the time

after i got that MRSA infection

any sort of blemish or whatever

i open it right up

it sounds gross but i can't deal with it any other way

just makes me too nervous

you didn't know i had a MRSA???

where have you been buddy?

well i mean i didn't like advertise it or anything

it doesn't matter

you look good though!

this weather huh?

so nice

although

well

this is gross

ok

so yesterday i was out for a bit of a stroll

cuz it was so nice out

but suddenly i just HAD to poop

you know how sometimes it just sneaks up on you?

it just snuck right up on me and i was too far from home

so i went to a nice hotel

that's my favorite bathroom trick

bars or hotels will always let you use their bathrooms

(just don't ask, duh)

and hotels usually have nice bathrooms

so i went into this nice hotel and AHEM

dropped a deuce

but i sat up afterwards and went to flush

RED!

red in the toilet bowl

looked like blood

i FREAKED THE FUCK OUT

and then it started flushing automatically

because you know

those sensors or whatever?

like i said

hotels have nicer bathrooms

anyways

while it was flushing

i noticed that there was a tampon in the bowl too

so either someone couldn't find the ladies room

or the woman i ate for lunch was having her period

ha ha

bah dum ching

that's a joke at the end but it's a true story

not even the grossest thing i've seen lately

ok

ok

you're probably gonna not want to talk to me any more

and i probably shouldn't be telling you so much gross shit right now

i mean we haven't hung out in awhile

i don't want you to think

"dave has CHANGED"

"all he does is talk about gross shit now"

"i don't like him any more"

it's just that gross things have been happening

both to me and AROUND me

so this one has kind of a one two punch

i was walking up 16th the other day

and there's this place where the homeless usually congregate

there were two people there

a skuzzy lookin dude

and this woman with this long button down shirt

like not THAT long but just below her waist

they were just hangin

and then this woman grabs a tissue

OFF THE GROUND

on 16TH STREET

and blows her nose with it

and just tossed it back on the ground afterwards

see now that alone grossed me out

but people don't think it's that gross of a story

BUT THEN

realizing dirty ass used floor tissue didn't quite do the job

she grabbed one of her shirt tails and wiped her nose clean

that's when i realized

that shirt was all she was wearing

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

homeless vagina is not a pretty sight

i hope that's one of my search keywords this week

ok

well i gotta go

i gotta enter this order and then i'm going to the park

to record a video to my youtube channel's sole subscriber

good seeing you though!

let's hang out soon

if only so i can like shower and prepare a bunch of stories about not gross things for you

bye punkin

this has been the dave update