sigh

hi there

hold on

i'm gonna get a donut

cuz FUCK IT

ok

back

this morning my leg hurts and i don't really understand why

it's freaking me out a little bit because it hurts in the way that my MRSA hurts

but the thing is I can't find anything on the leg that would suggest an infection

and it's in a different area than my MRSA was

same leg though

just well above the knee and on the front

it's probably nothing right?

i don't know

i'm concerned

i've been worrying about my mental health lately as well

and this actually relates

i realized the other day that i don't trust my body to give me accurate information

like when i'm in bed

and i feel a tickle on my leg that feels to me very obviously like a spider or something

i know that it won't be a spider unless it DEFINITELY is

this has come up enough throughout my life that it's something i've kind of trained in my life

like, i remember being a kid

and slapping my legs or whatever

and of course there was nothing there

it wasn't until i was like a teenager until i started to realize that these were...

um

"false positives" i guess?

i don't know

i'd like to apologize at this moment

to all readers who still assumed that they were reading the rants of a sane person

i can't imagine there's many of you left but sorry either way

sigh

sigh sigh

this is frustrating

especially since i bet this is all over nothing

tomorrow i will wake up and my leg will feel mostly better

i mean it feels like i bruised it somehow

but i'm sure it's nothing, probably just twisted it the wrong way

what else is going on

ugh

i don't know

this is part of a gchat i had the other day before i left work

with names hidden even though i don't think allison would care if you knew it was her

hahahahahahahaha

ANYWAYS:

me: i spent this whole weekend really stoned and trying to decide if i believe in an afterlife or not
 
XXXX: did you decide
6:41 PM 
me: i think some people get one and some people don't
  
i think that death is real but for some people when you die in this world sometimes you go to another one and sometimes you just die
6:42 PM 
i wrote about this a little in the dave update
6:43 PM 
short version: i've always been a nihilist but then i realized that being a nihilist and believing in an afterlife are not contradictory
  
so i'm thrown on the subject
6:44 PM 
even shorter version: dave's fun to hang out with lately
  
sigh
6:45 PM 
XXXX: but what reason is there to believe in an afterlife
 
me: none
  
i just believe that is possible, if we're guided by no facts then why is an afterlife off the table?
6:46 PM 
if everyone dies that's an absolute, and i don't believe absolutes are possible in a random world, you know?
  
i mean that's a pretty semantic argument but it's confusing me
6:47 PM 
XXXX: why are absolutes not possible
  
i answer your question with another question, sir
6:48 PM 
me: well, i'm cheating a little with this argument because i don't believe in intelligent design but absolutes imply a designer
  
if everything dies then life and death is a perfect system
6:49 PM 
XXXX: but not everything is born, and not everything has life
  
so it's not even an enclosed system
 
me: "everything that is born dies" - is that statement a fact?
6:50 PM 
XXXX: i have to think about that
  
"born" has different definitions for different communities
 
me: true
6:51 PM 
XXXX: i guess for all animals it is true
  
but not necessarily for plants or other forms of "life"
  
or star
  
s
  
or like a mountain or somethng
 
me: "everything sucks, fuck everything" - is that statement a fact?
  
hahahahahaha
6:52 PM 
XXXX: hahah
  
yes
  
very good
  
i think i might also be a nihilist of sorts
6:53 PM 
me: allison all this comes down too is i'm depressed and i feel like i've wasted my life and i've been finding comfort lately in the concept that when i die i'll be reborn as a kangaroo on the planet saturn
 
XXXX: no probably uranus
 
this has been the dave update