hi dear readers

i'm going to apologize in advance

having grown up with a very conservative background

both parents and even friends

i can't help but try and find the human aspects in people i disagree with

that's a bit of an overstatement

it's not like i think pro-lifers are aliens or anything

but when someone says "being gay is unnatural"

or "abortion is always wrong"

or "marijuana is a gateway drug"

etc etc

i think it's way more important to listen and understand than just straight up dismiss

i feel the same way about crazy people

who say "my pubic hairs are actually government surveillance cameras"

or "the bible proves that gavin newsom is an elephant"

or "dragons are real, i saw one when i was on mushrooms"

(hey!)

(since this dave update is gonna be a kind of annoying one)

((that's where this long apology is headed in case you haven't figured it out))

(let's have another dave contest)

(i only made up ONE of the above three "crazy" statements)

(if you can guess which one is made-up)

(i will buy you lunch)

(and if you can guess which one MY BROTHER told me)

(i will buy you lunch anddddddd)

(hm)

(oh!)

(a nice scarf)

(lunch and a scarf for both)

(just lunch for one)

(winter's coming people)

(you know you could use a scarf)

so

there's that mourdock guy

who said that rape pregnancies are part of god's plan

and i wanted to write my thoughts about that

even though

in my heart of hearts

i really don't give a shit about this weiner

but for some dumb reason

i want to write this

so

apologies in advance

ok

dear mourdock dude or whatevs

i actually get it

i get your position

i understand that you think god is behind everything

i went to catholic school homey

and i took from catholic school the understanding that

IN MY OPINION

catholicism (and really all religions) are an attempt to comfort

in what is ultimately a random, chaotic, and ultimately meaningless world

i hope that doesn't come off as too rude

in fact i think it's very important to invent your own reason for living

and if religion works for you then go fuckin tell it on the mountain

and knowing a little about catholicism

i get why you attribute rape pregnancies to "god's plan"

you know something else?

hold onto your boots

i think you are right!

if there is a god

and this is a catholic world

and someone gets raped

and the semen from that rapist

fertilizes the egg of the woman who was raped

(or however the bible claims "that whole thing" works)

then yes

if catholicism is the capital T Truth

that baby is part of god's plan

i mean it's like when people get murdered

and the priest tries to comfort the family by saying shit like

"god's plan" and "s/he's with god now"

etc

it's built in the religion

that's where this is different from that whole todd akin thing

todd akin has no basis for his beliefs about rape

other than he feels weird about "that whole thing" and is probably too uncomfortable to learn anything about it

in fact he's probably gay

BREAKING NEWS PEOPLE

todd akin is a giant homo

it's on the internet so it's TRUE

BUT I DIGRESS

back to you

(guy whose name i've already forgotten)

(i keep wanting to say mosurock but that's the "still single" guy)

(hm)

(you know what, fuck it)

(from now on i'm pretending doug mosurock said that quote)

back to you dougie

the thing that you should know

and the reason that a lot of people are right to be pissed at you

is that this whole catholicism thing?

that i totally understand why you are so into and all?

that's something that you BELIEVE

and it's not at all something that i BELIEVE

and when you try and legislate on your BELIEFS

that's the same thing as me forcing you to shave off all of your pubic hair

because i've put a stop to this covert government surveillance program

and you can call that a ridiculous comparison

but it is THE SAME FUCKING THING

that's me trying to legislate my beliefs

(it's true, i totally believe that)

ok

this is already taking too long

i'm totally supposed to work this week

so i guess

this is

good bye

sorry again about this dave update!