hellooooo

it's me

i feel like i have a lot to talk about but not really?

i just found out that i have to pay to see the short film i was in

fifteen dollars

what a crock

i'm probably still gonna do it

even though i totally can't afford to spend $15 dollars on a movie right now

i mean i can but you know what i mean

fuck

fuck everything

i watched that show "american horror story" this weekend

it was good

i remember watching the daughter character kill herself and thinking

"man that looks so easy"

i remember when i was younger i tried to kill myself by taking an entire bottle of aspirin

which if you're thinking those regular sized bottles doesn't seem that extreme

but this was a costco sized bottle of aspirin

economy-sized

for economy-sized headaches

i took about half the bottle and threw up from the taste of it

i figured there would probably still be enough in my system

there obviously wasn't though

that was the worst fucking morning

i remember i stayed up stupid late

watching the moonlight come in through my blinds

this was always a point of conflict for me and my dad

i would always leave the miniblinds pointed down

because i loved watching the moonlight come through them and line my bed

i'd actually sleep on my bed backwards so i could sleep in the moonlight

backwards?

maybe upside-down

whatever

but my dad was super paranoid

and he'd always come in my room and switch the blinds so they were facing up

because "burglars will peer through the window and be able to see inside"

uh

yeah

they'll be able to see my bed

big fucking deal

my dad is wayyyyy too paranoid

he used to wake up at all hours of the night and do rounds

which fucking sucked when you weren't home

or when you were home really

anyways

it's funny now because they actually did get broken into

long after i moved out someone broke in and stole a bunch of stuff while my parents were on vacation or something

i bet my dad screwed up the blinds

and someone wearing striped clothing and a eye mask peeked through them

saw that there was a bed inside

and thought

"hey nice bed"

"i'm gonna break in"

anyways

i couldn't get to sleep for maybe obvious reasons

then i finally did

and then my mom woke me up all angry the next day

because i was late for swim team practice

ha ha ha

how white am i????

ha ha

it's cool

i live in homeless jack-off alley now

that gives me the street cred i've so desparately needed

ha ha

now i'm a great person

ha ha ha

people love me now

sigh

fuck everything

life sucks

i'm hungover i think

this has been a stupid dave update

sorry

this new batch of dave updates has been really shitty

i wish i could say that they'll get better but let's be honest

i really don't know

they will probably continue to suck

but what the fuck do you care

it's just some shit to read to you

hi there

i love stevie nicks's coke eyes in this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEi7GPkxfsE

you've probably already seen it

it's so comforting though

they're not like desparate coke eyes

they're the eyes of a "believer"

what she believes in, i don't know

but who cares

everything is fake

i think somedays the real challenge to live is getting up in the morning and pretending to give a shit

like, the best people are the ones that do that

probably the worst too

who knows

i heard about a study from a long time ago

where they asked people questions that they thought were

1

universal

but also 2

things people would be unlikely to admit to

obviously there's a serious problem with the material

it would be difficult to place any real scientific value on the results of a study like this

but who cares

it was interesting

the questions they used were:

"have you ever fantasized about raping someone (or being raped)?"

and

"have you ever enjoyed a bowel movement?"

(for me, yes and yes)

they asked these questions to subjects

and then they asked more questions to help judge their relative levels of happiness

they found that people who answered no to both of these questions

were not only 1

missing out on the exciting world of bowel movements

but also 2

reported much higher levels of happiness

why is that do you think?

seriously, i want a fucking answer

i know for a fact people read this blog

and i know for a fact that 99% of the time i ask a question

or have a contest

or offer my entire readership breakfast on me

or post my number 10000000 times in a post

NO ONE RESPONDS

which is bullshit

you know what it makes me feel like?

the lunatic talking to themselves at the bus stop

not waiting for a bus

just looking for someone to acknowledge their humanity

am i really typing this?

am i really posting this for anyone in the fucking world to see?

empirically i can't really say for sure

if someone asks a question and doesn't get a response

do they exist?

get deep on that shit for awhile young davers

i think it's because the people who can't admit that sometimes it feels amazing to pee

or who have never allowed themselves to fantasize about the sexual potential of a totally fucked up act

(this is a whole other dave update i think)

(i have to admit)

(even though i feel like rape fantasies are not really that deviant an act)

(it feels very awkward to admit to having them without being able to mention)

("but only in like, a role-playing context")

(whatever)

those people are just better at fooling themselves

people like me?

who can admit to embarrassing parts of their personality?

they are more likely to acknowledge difficult truths

like

the world is fucked

nothing means anything

etc etc

acknowledgement doesn't mean resolution

not sure if i said exactly what i meant up there but i'm sticking to it

so if you're aware of maybe your "limitations" as a human being

you're less likely to be happy

unless you can resolve yourself to your limitations

(weird fucking grammar in this dave update)

"you say you want your freedom?"

"well who am i to keep you down"

i wonder how many people are going to find this dave update

by googling the term "rape fantasy"

guess i'll find out

this has been the dave update

hi there

i know

twice in one day

very exciting

i just had an idea that i liked though

i'm sure this will be another idea that never comes to fruition

like my plans to start an amateur naked therapy practice

(not as pervy as it sounds)

ANYWAYS

young davers

it probably won't surprise you to hear

that i am often sad and at home doing nothing

perhaps you have found yourself in the same position?

well

IF SO

please call or text 510 575 HISS

with the message "sad plans"

and if i'm available we'll come up with something we can do

that won't necessarily cheer us up but will at least give us grumpy company

ha ha

grumpy company

I MADE THAT UP

you can also text me with "grumpy company"

same diff

ok

it's not amateur naked therapy but it's a start

finally dave d'estroyer is giving back to the depressed community

this has been a bonus dave udpate

hi there

it's dave

i had an idea last night but i don't remember it now

oh

this isn't it but this is sort of funny

i watched a movie called

"ORCA - the killer whale"

it was INTENSE

and hilarious

but it needed a better soundtrack

because if this film is any indication

killer whales are gangsta as FUCK

no joke

this dude kills a killer whale

who winds up being pregnant

(HOLY SHIT)

(the baby falls out of the whale's inverted corpse)

and the father/husband/whateverthefuck

sees it all

goes APESHIT

and taunts the guy who did it until he comes back out to sea to FIGHT

but the soundtrack was all strings and dull

(oh bo derek was in it too, she gets her leg bitten off)

(no perfect 10 now, eh bo???)

(eh?)

(eh?)

so i want to make a new soundtrack for ORCA the killer whale

that just sounds like some ghetto beatz

because that would make a good movie

EVEN BETTER

outside of that i think i have little else to say

lately i am very depressed but what else is new

holy shit

i thought i just saw a black cat in our office but i think it was my hair

i wish it was a cat

truckers say if you see the black dog

it's already too late

WHATEVER

kill me already you stupid fake cat

do yr worst

this has been the dave update

hi there

i'm dave

i had an idea the other day

i want to start a chili company

called "abe's hearty chili"

gap has a new ad campaign

and the stupid slogan

(at least on one of their bus ads)

is

"BE
ART
BE
HEART"

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

other than

"WE'RE
NOT
EVEN
TRYING"

"MY
KID
SAYS
THE
DARNDEST
THINGS
AND
I
SELL
THEM
TO
COMPANIES
TOO
STUPID
TO
COME
UP
WITH
ANYTHING
ON
THEIR
OWN"

SO

oops

so!

i want to start tagging all their ads

so they say

"BE
fART
aBE's
HEARTy
chili"

i'm gonna make a million dollars

don't try to steal it

it's my idea

the dave update is proof

be art

be the dave update

i have zero e-mails in my inbox

please write me a letter

so that i have little people i can remember

during my meteoric rise

to the top of the chili industry

i do make good chili, no joke

ok

bye

this has been the dave update

hi there

i had a weird weekend

it was a little over-cerebral

i'm sure that's not a word

and i think even though it's not a word i may have spelled it wrong

i just wound up very deep in my own head

and it's weird to admit but that's totally a dangerous thing for me

i feel kind of back to "normal" after my trip back home

which is a bit of a downer

because i was in a great mood when i got back home

but today i just feel the same as always

there are a shit ton of books in the library

like

WOW

i bet NO ONE there has read that many books

ok

this isn't even funny

this has been a not funny dave update

EDIT

someone found the dave update by googling my e-mail address

CURIOUS

this has been the dave addition

hi there

yesterday i found this voice inside of me

(yeah, sorry)

(this is gonna be a dark one)

i was in a good mood, feeling very strong

and then it got quiet, everything

it was not any sort of funny voice

not like a muppet

it was a very traditional "internal voice"

i've been listening to a lot of dj shadow lately

i forgot how good it was

and there's this one song on the private press

i'm gonna try and find it now actually

can't remember the name

ah here it is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5OGk9N8Y5s

"blood on the motorway"

there's a voice that starts it

not the

"AAAAANNNNNDDDDD NOOOOWWWWWWWW"

"ETERNITYYYYYYYYY"

the one that goes

"be still"

"i am with you"

that was the sound

but it was purely negative

i was calm and comfortable

and quiet

it piped from within me

i don't remember the exact words

but it was basically saying "you're still a pile of shit"

i was at my therapist's at the time

and i just sat and interpreted so she could hear it

after it stopped we just sat there

and she told me that this was something that could be fixed

i love religion as metaphor, as codes for things that can't be explained

i mean i hate religion as any sort of mandate on how to live your life

like to make decisions based on the bible?

get the fuck outta here

but the code of it is so beautiful to me

overdramatic sure but if you haven't realized by now how overdramatic i am then you're really not reading between the lines

i like the concept of that intangible part of a person being a universal singular soul

(i don't believe in it)

but i like the concept of it breathing in and out

2011 was an awful year for everyone i know

maybe that was just the soul exhaling

or choking

or having indigestion

i also like the concept of there being an evil so great it can destroy everything

and it invades you as though your body and mind were just a vehicle without a driver

i heard something last night about zombie bees

they've discovered a parasitic fly that takes over the body of a dead bee

and can use it for its own purposes

satan is real

(again)

ha ha

"be still"

"i am with you"

this has been an overdramatic dave update but fuck you sometimes i think like this

helloooooo

i have a story today

i was talking with someone last night

about how

for like the first time in literally a couple years

i actually got a girl's phone number

WHOA RIGHT

i know!

huge news

ha ha

but i was telling my friend this

and she was like

"wait, i thought you already have a girlfriend?"

and i was like

"uhhhhhhh nooooooooooo"

and she was like "don't you live with her?"

and i thought about it for a minute

and was like

"wait"

"do you mean my cat ion?"

and she was like "YEAHHHHHHHHHH"

"that's why i thought that!"

so it's possible that

when i discuss my intimate relationship with my roommate's cat

women hear that i live with a girl named ion

and think to themselves

"shit, i can't compete with that"

but it's ok ladies

dave gulbis does not fuck cats

and besides

it's open

so don't sweat it

this has been the dave update

hi there

feeling pretty tired

waste rig recorded last night

i felt weird during it

very self-conscious

i remember thinking

"i shouldn't have worn this sweater"

why would that matter?

i don't know

my brain is weird and i just wish it would be normal sometimes

like

i wish it could balance a check-book

or get a morning routine

outside of "masturbate if it's too hard to get out of bed"

which does work by the way

but if you're having trouble getting out of bed

you're probably already running late

and masturbating isn't gonna get you there any earlier

ha ha

i just realized that one of my co-workers reads this blog sometimes

and if she reads this entry

every time i'm late for work she'll probably think it's because i was masturbating

well

she'll probably be right about half the time

ha ha ha

SORRY ANDY

let's see what else

it's fucking cold in here

i had the best day monday but now i feel all shitty again

meh

i think i'm done talking right now

you can't force yourself into someone's life

also it's pretty hard to force yourself out of someone's life too

both of these things really bother me

but that's life kiddo

this has been the dave update

hi again

a favor to ask

young davers

if you google hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhel devil

the dave update is the top result

which is awesome

BUT

if you google–ú–∏—Ö–∞–∏–ª –¢—É–º–∞–Ω–æ–≤

i'm nowhere to be seen

you have to google "–ú–∏—Ö–∞–∏–ª –¢—É–º–∞–Ω–æ–≤ "dave update""

so

please google "–ú–∏—Ö–∞–∏–ª –¢—É–º–∞–Ω–æ–≤ "dave update""

and click the link

i think that'll help

eventually i bet we can clear out the "dave update"

and just search for "–ú–∏—Ö–∞–∏–ª –¢—É–º–∞–Ω–æ–≤"

yes

this has been a dave request

hi there

it's me

did you know they make a simply orange with mango juice now?

it's DELICIOUS

although perhaps they should change it to:

MILDLY COMPLICATED ORANGE AND MANGO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA
A
A
AA
A
A
A
A
A

A

A
A

A
A

A

A
A

A

A
A

A

A

A

A
HA
H
A
H
A
H
A
HA
HAH
A
H
AHAH
A

H
A
H
A
H
AH
AH
AH
A
H
AH
A
H

H


A
H
A
H
A
H
AHA

this has been an appropriately stupid dave update

hello

it's me

this was a strange weekend

i've deleted 3 sentences from this area so far

that's usually a bad sign

blank mind

blocked mind

i had a thought last night

about how little i dream and how unimaginative those dreams tend to be

i'm starting to think maybe i need to force that part of my brain back on

i'm not even sure that "back" on is appropriate

i used to have dreams, i used to have dreams that would predict the future

(that's sort of not a joke)

i worry a lot about whether or not there is an afterlife

i hope there is

it just seems insane that if this is all there is

we've made such a shitty world

bah i've already ranted about this shit a million times

...

blah

fuck everything

this has been another dave down-date

helllo

i have nothing to do

i mean i have plenty i could do but nothing i really have to do

oh wait

i have to go to the bathroom

wait here

ok

my stomach kind of hurts

lately my body hurts in completely new ways

my therapist says it's due to my mental troubles or whatever

she says the body is like the mind's wetlands

and when your mind overflows with pain or grief or whathaveyou

(i don't think whathaveyou is one word but fuck it)

it stretches into the body and becomes a physical thing

mine has been mostly located in the chest and lower neck/upper back

i can feel it now

it feels like my chest is trying to burst through my body

like, through the back

it will explode and then suddenly i will have either a hunchback or wings

whatever it does i just wish it would hurry the fuck up

at least then i can blame all the shit in my life on a hunchback

(or wings, what-fucking-ever)

oh i had an idea last night

jacy and i want to start a podcast but have had trouble figuring out what

and lately i've been trying to find ways to integrate the things i actually want to do into my creative output

last night it hit me

the podcast should obviously be:

"let's get stoned and watch law and order"

i'll let you figure out what the content will consist of

my dad just sent me a picture of my brother's girlfriend in the hospital

she's having her labor induced or however you say it

this is the first time i've seen her face, i didn't know she was hispanic

or at least looks hispanic

i mean not that i care at all i was just surprised

hm

ok

i'm distracted by things

my therapist thinks that everyone is mean to me

not everyone but everyone i talk about in therapy

she always seems to want to make me angry

i think it's because she thinks i don't know how to deal with anger

but i feel like

1

i do

i think i'm actually really good at dealing with anger

but

2

it's just making me angry in a much less tangible way

not sure if that makes sense

but lately i find myself FURIOUS for no fucking reason

it's frustrating because i feel like this is a door i shouldn't even by playing around

like, this part of the dave mansion should be closed for renevation

but here i am running around with a table saw and a cape

knocking over walls and not even wearing a hard hat

(my head is too big for hats)

you can't force yourself into someone's life

not even with a table saw

you just have to sit around and improve your own life and hope that maybe someday people will want to come over for tea

and double-y hope that it happens before you sprout wings or a hunchback and turn into a really gross thing

grosser than you already are

double gross

like split eyeballs

or pus AND brains

this has been the dave update