hi there

it's me dave

i have a very simple recipe for you today

it's an egg in a hole

or an egg in jail

or a birds' nest

i dunno it has a lot of names

you probably already know how to cook it

i mean it's a fried egg

in bread

did i just give you the recipe right there?

you can figure the rest out i think

pretty much the only tricky part about this recipe

is that you have to cut a hole in the middle of the bread

and then crack the egg so it drops right in that hole

it's not that hard

sometimes you fuck it up

sometimes when you flip it you break the yolk

it's still food though

i mean sometimes it's just shitty food

or food-that-is-less-good

you can do some variations on it

sometimes i make it on a bed of *dirty greens*

which is a recipe i'm not ready to write out yet

sometimes i make it with fake bacon on top

i mean what do you feel like eating???

cook that

and eat it

why are you even here?

.

.

.

i'm sorry i'm just frustrated right now

life doesn't always go right

sometimes even when it's fine

or like

"fine"

you wind up like one bad social interaction away from suicidal idealation

ugh life is so difficult and frustrating

i get fucking sick of it sometimes

ugh

cook a bird's nest

i do it with like, a thick slice of french bread

oh!

one good tip

if you keep the "hole" that you cut out of the bread

you can put that on the pan

next to the bird's nest

and then you can peek at that lil piece of bread and see how well it's toasted

it's best to not fuck with the bird's nest itself

until it's like, *ready* to be flipped

so yah use that lil piece

cool

now life is fine

this has been a dave recipe

hi there

you know what time it is?

young davers?

it's TIME FOR CHILI

yes!

TIME FOR CHILI

i can't make chili without saying that

and i can't say that without thinking of bart simpson

ok young davers

it's time for chili

number one rule for chili

or i mean like

"A" rule for chili

"one" rule for cooking chili

is you need a big pot

if that pot has a lid?

even better

also "another" rule for cooking chili?

you need some time

chili tastes best when it's slow cooked

i dunno why

i think honestly it's because i usually have a beer or two while cooking

and if i'm slow cooking i have three beers or four

or many many more

and god damn is this chili delicious

y'all are in for a treat!

it's time for chili

ok

you've got your pot AND lid

(hopefully)

ok

get an onion

maybe like a big one

cut that shit up

ok

well

hold on

i feel like this is gonna take forever if i describe EVERY step to you

have you had chili before?

so you know that there's not like a whole pristine onion just in the middle of it all

BUT

do you know how to cut an onion without crying?

because I DO

hm

i admit though

i have no idea how to describe my method

without any pictures

well fuck it then

cry your way thru cutting that fuckin onion

ok here's a tip

remember that lid?

ok ok

well um wait

oil the pot

duh

put oil in it

like, some

not that much

enough that the bottom is like covered and maybe you can swish it around a lil bit

just a lil

then put spices in the oil

i do the spices first but only like

the *spicy* spices

and actually sometimes i put them in after the onion

cuz i like watching the onion get sort of caked by the spices

jeez

i may not have time for this whole recipe y'all

i'm at work right now

and i only have like half an hour left on my shift

and like i have to do SOMEthing

so uh ok

this'll have to be a cliff hanger

i really hope you haven't started cooking yet

cuz it's probably gonna be like weeks until i finish this recipe

this has been part one of a dave recipe

hi there

it's me dave

i have a very simple recipe for you today

it's an egg in a hole

or an egg in jail

or a birds' nest

i dunno it has a lot of names

you probably already know how to cook it

i mean it's a fried egg

in bread

did i just give you the recipe right there?

you can figure the rest out i think

pretty much the only tricky part about this recipe

is that you have to cut a hole in the middle of the bread

and then crack the egg so it drops right in that hole

it's not that hard

sometimes you fuck it up

sometimes when you flip it you break the yolk

it's still food though

i mean sometimes it's just shitty food

or food-that-is-less-good

you can do some variations on it

sometimes i make it on a bed of *dirty greens*

which is a recipe i'm not ready to write out yet

sometimes i make it with fake bacon on top

i mean what do you feel like eating???

cook that

and eat it

why are you even here?

.

.

.

i'm sorry i'm just frustrated right now

life doesn't always go right

sometimes even when it's fine

or like

"fine"

you wind up like one bad social interaction away from suicidal idealation

ugh life is so difficult and frustrating

i get fucking sick of it sometimes

ugh

cook a bird's nest

i do it with like, a thick slice of french bread

oh!

one good tip

if you keep the "hole" that you cut out of the bread

you can put that on the pan

next to the bird's nest

and then you can peek at that lil piece of bread and see how well it's toasted

it's best to not fuck with the bird's nest itself

until it's like, *ready* to be flipped

so yah use that lil piece

cool

now life is fine

this has been a dave recipe

* SOME CONTEXT *

* this coming tuesday i will be doing a live dave update reading *

* this is my introduction *

* don't read it *

* or do *

* idk *

* live your life *

hello there

i am dave

i write the dave update

the best blog on the internet

it's true

go ahead and read all the other blogs on the internet

told ya

i can say confidently

that the dave update is the best blog on the internet

because honestly i don't think it's really a compliment

it's kind of like being the best dried cranberry in the trail mix

ew

thanks sunny for asking me to "perform" tonite

and sorry for accidentally sending you on book tour

tonite i'd like to read for you

some highlights from the best blog on the internet

as well as give you some details

about an exciting investment opportunity

but first

i am doing a dave update

AS WE SPEAK

well

as i speak

quiet down back there please

the dave update is a blog i have written for maybe 6 years

that was created as an indirect way of realizing

a life goal that i had no real desire to "work" towards "accomplishing"

that goal being becoming a *professional* writer

i had and still have no idea how to make people pay me for writing stuff

so i just started writing the dave update

while on the clock at my desk job

BOOM

professional writer

it's that easy

i guess

i really enjoy writing it

mostly because i really enjoy talking to myself

but doing this makes it feel like i've accomplished something

sometimes the dave updates are a little aimless

sometimes they tell jokes

this one is going to tell a joke

as a way of "breaking the ice"

and then i will get to the highlight reel

ok

this is sort of a true story as well as a joke

i work as a bartender at a venue

and one night a group of customers came up to the bar

and i said

"hey what can i get y'all"

one of them got sort of excited

and asked

"are you from the south?"

and i replied

"uh no, why do you ask?"

she said

"oh, you said y'all so i figured maybe you were from the south"

i replied

"no i say y'all because i don't like to assume the gender identity of strangers"

and she said

"oh so you're from the bay area"

THESE ARE THE JOKES PEOPLE

get comfortable because here comes a lot more where that came from

this has been a not really live dave update

hi frens

i have about 6 minutes to kill

before opening the store

so i wanted to take this moment

to drop a line to people that work at google

dear google

you notifying me

every time a "suspicious device"

logs into my gmail/instagram/whatever the fuck

is significantly creepier

than if some rando logged into my account

and started posting/emailing/whatevering fucked up shit

you have a problem google

you are a creep

do something about it

this has been a dave call out

hi frens

how about that last update?

yah i know it was exceptional

today i am very tired

i am listening to lo-fi beats to study and relax to

because i think the memes about it are funny

it's kinda boring though

i feel like i'm at a kinda cruddy coffee shop

but i guess that's where i would go to study something so there ya go

the animation is pretty great though

it's a woman with headphones on who looks bored af

is raining out

she keeps looking at her cat

who is watching the rain

is cute

wow

9070 people are watching this right now

hm

what to discuss

i feel like i just wanted to brag about how great my last update was

i really like this cookbook idea but don't want to write anything about it right now

too tired

maybe a good night for a bath?

probably not

would involve moving

now i wanna watch some anime

hm

seems like a good time for a movie that i don't have to pay attention to

would love some peanut butter cups too

hm

this dave update has been kind of dull

hi y'all

is dav

sup with it

not much to report

very busy lately

mostly in a good way

sometimes in a bad way

but always

ALWAYS

uh

.
.
.

recently i've considered writing a cook book

i think i might title it the dave cookbook

tips for cooking dave

oh that's a better one

"tips for cooking dave"

there it is

see young davers

writing is editing

or editing is writing?

hm

edit your writing

THE END

no not the end

cookbook

recipe 1

jazz breakfast

there's a lot of ways to make jazz breakfast

depending on your tastes

your dietary restrictions

etc etc

but the one thing you need for jazz breakfast

is jazz

this morning i started with the elements


with joe henderson & alice coltrane

what's for breakfast today?

JAZZ

and tacos

when i make breakfast tacos

i find i usually am making them for lunch

but i don't mind

see?

that's the jazz at work

nothing matters

i heat a pan

slap'a butter

i put pepper on the pan

cuz i'm kinda wild like that

rub a tortilla right on there

boom

flip it

boom

you know how emiril does bang?

i do boom

that's the jazz speakin'

that's the power of the jazz

let it go thru ya

that's the key to this recipe

anyways

crack an egg on that sucka

boom

cook that fuckin egg

flip that shit

put stuff you like on it

it's really that simple

cooking

you don't need me to tell you how to cook

just cook

make stuff that tastes good in your mouth

double check and make sure that stuff is not stuff you are allegic too

also it should be edible

dave cooking tip #1

don't use poison

i just don't do it, it's not good for the food

ok

egg is probably done now

i like it with a little melted cheese

dirty greens

(that's gonna have to be a different recipe)

(can't give you the whole book yet)

(daddy's gotta eat, ya know)

(is that a better name for the book?)

(no)

(tips for cooking dave)

(this book is gonna be great, it really is)

chunky salsa is good

but again

it's about you

make it how YOU like it

it's not tips for cooking FOR dave

so put whatever you want on it

put a live fuckin hen on it for all i care

spend your morning listening to some lady squawk about how you cooked her baby

(over jazz, of course)

(can't skip the jazz otherwise it's not jazz breakfast)

voila

recipe OVER

this has been a dave recipe

hi all

quick one today

we're listening to the talking heads at work

and the song is singing

"heaven is a place where nothing ever happens"

and i'm wondering if that's supposed to seem boring or serene

right now it sounds like fucking heaven

this has been a very brief dave update

hi there

it's january 9th

twenty EIGHTteen

WOW

another year

WOW

today i wanted to think about positive things

while walking home on a beautiful rainy day

despite the innumerable negative things that are also worthy of attention

(most notably the homeless and mentally ill out here in oakland)

(that is another story for another dave update)

((mentally ill?))

((is that the proper term?))

((irregardless))

(irregardless)

*ahem*

despite the innumerable negative things that are also worthy of attention

there are still other things in the world

both positive and neutral

and also some mixture of everything

BLAH BLAH BLAH

here are some things that happened in 2017 that made me happy

which i will now list without apologizing any further for not acknowledging the horrors that await us in 2018

*ahem*

this year i got to sit around while my partner wrote and practiced new music in the other room

that was really great

she also gave me a sound healing

which sounds very woo-woo

but was actually very enlightening

(enlightening?)

(WHO IS THIS GUY)

((no but really))

also this year

i got to watch marissa magik play in a band

that i lived with her when she formed

but have never actually heard or seen at all

that was really cool

also this year some people i know played the sf electronic music festival

which was maybe the best curated line-up yet

and not just because some frens was playin it

both those nights i went were such wonderful nights

not just due to the stellar performances

but it was almost a big "let's pretend sf is still relevant" party

i haven't hung out on 24th like that in honestly probably 8 years

and i'm sure 8 years ago i wasn't having any fun doing it

the city is very depressing now but it really wasn't that weekend

let's see what else

i wanted to make this list because i was making up a list for work

"best music in 2018"

and i realized that i really only listened to my friends' music this year

and it was THE BEST MUSIC IN 2018

beast nest may not have released anything this year but that project is constantly blowin my mind

philip k glass dick released something this year that i liked a lot

but then he sent me some music for restorative yoga that i REALLY liked a lot

EDR rules, ok?

their new music is so exciting

it is the best feeling when you see a friend's (or friends') project turn into something bigger than the individual members

hm.

bigger isn't really the right word there

i don't think

nor is best in best music for that matter

i just mean it feels very good when you see....

well

forget these vagaries

EDR used to be a really cool mixture of the aesthetics of the members

now it is its own force

oh!

speaking of force

how about that last star wars movie huh?

yah i liked it too

the florida project was really good too

WAIT

i wanna talk more music

weed alien is great

tape is so good but also so good live

girlsperm is great but i already mentioned them

colossal yes and his 18 minute between song breaks

preening at the octopus, looking exhausted and annoyed and playing like it

(in a good way)

now this is just a list

so now that list is over

because who needs a list

i put out stuff this year too

and i'm proud of most of it

also i made cookies for the first time

and they were great

i dropped one on the ground and then ate it anyways

and i think it made me sick

hahahahahahahah

true story

what else happened in 2017

i got a tattoo on my finger

i ate caviar and it nearly killed me

i got really into video games and it will probably kill me

this dave update is starting to get boring

in 2018 i hope for nothing for me

my life is always difficult but honestly could not really be better

i hope that as a society we start dealing with the reality of our reality

not the imaginary stigmas obscuring our reality

and not avoiding the truth of our reality

we have made a big world of make-believe

that is more awful, horrifying, and inhumane than anything on this planet

so let's just destroy that world

i guess

i don't know young davers i don't have all the answers

but i'm always happy to talk if that helps

510 575 HISS

any time

(leave a message or text if i don't respond cuz i don't call back random numbers)

this has been a mixed-up dave update

hi there

just wanted to run thru

some vague but accurate insights

into what it is like to be me at the moment

i forgot the first one that made me want to do this idea for an update

but here's one anyways

*

resizing browser windows until they *feel* right

*

unbuttoning pants after a meal

*

arranging cups and bottles as though it is poetry

*

accidental racial tension

*

exaggerated sympathy for animals

(and humans)

((redundant))

*

misinterpretation of the word "analysis"

*

dangerous level of immersion in poisonous culture

*

...

well

lemme talk about that last one a little bit

right now as i'm typing this

there is a song from a video game

straight up BLASTING thru my head right now

the game is very fun

i won't tell you the name

(unless you ASK NICELY)

been playing a lot of video games lately

which has me a little less

uh

proactive

(sry)

with my free time decisions

being unemployed is like being alive

hm

uhhhh maybe this instead

*

being unemployed is like being alive

*

having a job is like being in jail

*

i like my jobs a lot right now

hm

A LOT is a bit of an overstatement there actually

A LOT is TOO MUCH

HA!

anyways

i sometimes enjoy my jobs

i feel particularly lucky to work one of them

but

...

.
.
.

...

!

but nothing

this has been a spotty dave update but all my thoughts are half thoughts these days

HI Y'ALL

is dav

just a quick one tonight

i am thinking about changing my name

WAIT

first off

the dave update remains the best blog on the internet

i know i don't update very often


but

well

whatever

the dave update remains the best blog on the internet

GOT IT?!?

ok

(sorry to yell)

any-

who

i am thinking about changing my name

again

to dave alllen v'estroyer

so that my initals are DAV


WAIT

AGAIN

i'ma do another dave contest

or i guess maybe a dave survey?

i dunno

any-

who

anyhoo

how many "L"s are in allen?

please post in comments

rate comment subscribe please

siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

this dave update has no consistency

INCONSISTENT DAVE UPDATE

cheese

ok bye

this has been a weird dave update

hullo

is dav

today i learned that jelly roll morton

had a group at one time

called red hot peppers

so

in case anyone alive

was still unsure

that the red hot chili peppers

are part of the gross american rock tradition

of wholesale theft from black folks

SUP WITH IT

it's weird to be 35

and have friends who are into RHCP

and also marilyn manson

NO JUDGEMENT HERE

for the record

i mean like what you like

it's just

*unexpected*

lately i've been considering the idea that i have a brain tumor

mostly because my brain sways

between uhhhhh

massively functional

MASSIVELY

and then completely clueless

also i get pretty random headaches

and there's a bump on my skull that is now grapefruit sized

hahahahaha

IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING

all i really want to do is play video games right now

i used to go through a thing

where any time i moved

after i settled in

i would just play video games for like

two weeks straight

and then burn out on them

and go out and have fun and stuff

you know

LIVE LIFE

before the tumor takes over

lately though i've been on the fuck life team

i just wanna sit around and play mario kart

i don't even really smoke weed any more

like, once a month maybe

i went camping recently and didn't smoke weed AT ALL

didn't even day-drink

let's see

what else now

i guess i'll close with a joke

or maybe i should call it a bit

cuz i'm not sure there's a real punch line on this one

i was thinking the other day

about when i was last looking for a job

i was on unemployment so i was just applying for everything

cuz when you're on unemployment you're supposed to be looking for work

and provide contact info for places you applied

i was actually doing it at first

thinking they might check up

(spoiler alert!)

(they don't)

job listings are mostly horrible

but there is one clear RED FLAG to avoid

if a job is soliciting applicants

and they say they are looking for a

"ROCK STAR"

anything

that is going to be a horrible place to work

"looking for a ROCK-STAR social media marketer!"

"are you a ROCK-STAR with numbers?  join our accounting team!"

"looking for a ROCK-STAR sanitation engineer!"

do people not know that rock stars are pieces of shit?

do you really want to work with axl fucking rose?

i applied to all of those jobs

because i really wanted to show up for the interview

wearing shredded denim and a bandana around my cornrows

and like 17 scarves tied haphazardly around my body

arrive an hour and a half late but just walk on thru the door

knocking over computer monitors on the way in

cigarette dangling from my lips

bottle of cheap whiskey in my hand

find the hiring manager

look at my hand to remember the name of the company

"SOMEBODY TOLD ME OAKLAND'S CHILDRENS' HOSPITAL"

"IS LOOKING FOR A NURSE CLINICIAN?"

smash goes the whiskey bottle

"I SAIIIIIIID"

"IS ANYONE OUT THERE LOOKING"

"FOR SOMEONE TO PROVIDE CASE MANAGEMENT FOR PATIENTS?"

waggle my tongue

knock some shit off their desk

"WELL LET'S DO THIS SHIT THEN!"

this has been a slightly overwritten dave update

hi there

been a minute

today i am thinking of headlines for imaginary news articles about july 4th

"nation hardly even phoning it in on fireworks this year"

and a picture of a sad guy holding a bottle rocket and a corn dog

"woman standing outside closed post office at 1PM thinks 'oh....right'"

"party-goers celebrating birth of nation doing all they can to avoid discussing state of nation"

ooh that's the one

"corn on the cob not sufficient substitute for refurbished democracy"

in other news

there was once a band called tv on the radio

do you think (former?) members

of that (former?) band

are still thinking

"yeah we really nailed it with that name"

"totally what we were going for there"

do you think anthony kiedis and flea

are camping right now

and chatting about how a great band name

like red hot chili peppers

really MAKES a band?

and then after that

they start talking about how they miss tv on the radio

"great band, great name"

"pass the marshmellows"

hm let's see what else

can anyone explain to me why i think ganglians and wand are related somehow?

since we're speaking of "bands"

still haven't heard wand

supposed to be good

i feel like i'm supposed to care about them

should i?

i don't

i like the scientists more

and scientist

and oh i dunno

tacos

tacos the band

ugh

this dave update is stupid

this has been a stupid dave update

hey y'all

this dave update is a public service announcement

a PSA

a public service A

a P service A

WHATEVER

goldfish aren't as good as you remember

they're gross

they taste like fucking sandpaper

don't buy them

it doesn't matter if you're stoned on drunk or whatever

they taste like shit

don't get them

how have you been?

hm

well

i don't care about you either

this has been a cranky dave update

hi everyone

below is a list of recent google searches

not in order

although most recently is

TACO TRUCK TACO TRUCK TACO TRUCK

adchoices removal

cat sinus infection

judge my name it am bad

eames chair

yo can i move to nova scotia or what

bonding with your cat

art bell area 51 youtube

i'm into museums blowjobs theater

lady dynamite release date

(have y'all been watching lady dynamite?)

(i love it)

newsradio i'm bill mcneal i like boys

OH I LOVE THAT EPISODE

so great

ima cut this short

said the rabbi to the parents

HEY YO

finally a joke on the dave update

that jewish people can relate to

this has been the dave update

consistently the best blog on the internet

updating daily since nineteen-ninety-

go fuck yrself while you sleep in dog piss

love ya!

hey y'all

have y'all listened to the delfonics?

i mean REALLY listened to the delfonics?

.

.

.

*think it over*

.

.

.

daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn

below is a list of jokes i've written

or

bits maybe

i dunno

these are jokes that i tell my girlfriend

and maybe she just laughs cuz she nice

#1

this joke is about pumpkin spice lattes

but is based on a story about pumpkin bread

i went to my local cafe recently

but after ordering

realized that i had no cash

"it's cool, we take cards"

they swipe my card thru the ipad

and swivel it for me to sign

i do

i add a tip

(because i'm not a monster)

and the ipad says

"would you like us to text you your receipt?"

and then it lists my number

(which is 510 575 HISS)

(uuh DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

((but actually it listed ***-***-4477))

((like it was my social security number))

((which is also 510 575 HISS))

((FYI))

and i thought that was fucked up

i don't need people to know

that someone with my phone number

is ordering pumpkin spice lattes

i don't need to start getting texts

saying "you may be interested in velour sweatpants"

"that also say juicy on the behind"

i don't need amazon to start sending me updates

that people like me

are also interested

in ugg boots

bad boyfriends

and regrettable ski trips

(that one feels like a crowd-pleaser)

#2

i feel like

after i left the internet

(this refers to an earlier joke about me leaving the internet)

i started to not really understand advertisements at all

i saw one the other day

an ad on bart

(really)

that said

"is your CRM"

"a plus or a minus?"

and then it had a logo

that was clearly spelled wrong

that's what i hate about san francisco nowadays

it's like companies are daring you to figure out how to pay them

i wanna put an ad on the bus that says

"don't let your twosome"

"make you bluesome"

and then a graphic

of 17 parrots

but not 17

one

photoshopped 17 times

standing on a train track

"don't let your twosome"

"make you bluesome"

and then a logo

that is definitely a vagina

but also mayybe says

clp.net

maybe

.

i am also considering .org

#3

what did the zebra say to the elephant?

.

please leave me and my family alone.

(i have more)

(but i can't remember them right now)

this has been an increasingly rare dave update

hi everyone

if you happen to be in the airport in long beach

and you hear someone playing "3 am eternal" on repeat

that's me

come say hi

it's been half an hour

this dance party isn't gonna start itself

(apparently)

KLF IS GONNA ROCK YOU

this has been the dave update

hey y'all

two things

one

wasn't that last dave update great

oh fuck off

you didn't read it

jerks

two

there was a new terminator movie?

it's on blu-ray

according to the internet

...

what is a blu-ray?

in other news

weed has been giving me cramps

kill everyone

fire to everything

dead babies

this has been the dave update

you guys you guys you guys

no time for formalities

watching internet tv right now

(uh-doi)

and bank of america has hired some "DIY expert"

to give hot DIY tips on how to improve your home

the first one?

take an old pallet

and hammer it on top of a table

BOOM

new table!

i'm not kidding

this is coming from a DIY EXPERT

second tip?

tape fake mosaic tiles

underneath your kitchen cabinets

BOOM

new kitchen

hey DIY EXPERT

it doesn't really count do it yourself

when all you do is buy something that does it for you

tip #3 is to take those old dresser drawers

paint em

and screw em together

and then put dumb bullshit in them

i guess they didn't have time in the commercial

for recommendations

for what to do with the old dresser that these drawers came in

DEAR DIY EXPERT

i don't know where bank of america found you

but while i won't take any of your home improvement tips

i will happily purchase and read your forthcoming memoir

"bullshitting"

"how to get paid for it"

"and how to get away with it"

FINALLY

this has been a solid dave update

what's up bitches

it's dav

i go by dav now

life way different

how y'all doin?

NEWSFLASH

don't talk to your computers

cuz i can't hear you

510 575 HISS

still the digits

today i am listening to pentangle

living in the east bay

just coming off a brutal 3 day sick bout

sick bout?

bout of sickness?

been sick for the past few days

but feeling better now

working two jay oh bees

ERRRY DAY I'M HUSTLIN

except for thursday and sunday

when i am usually cleaning

i live with my girlfriend and her cat

and 7 other people

and a dog

it's weird because you would think that by living with so many people

it might be kind of a crazy place

but just earlier today

i was playing slayer in the kitchen

and i thought "hm maybe i should turn this down"

"don't wanna disturb anyone"

here's a dave secret young davers

i now regret that decision

now i'm listening to a compilation of vancouver punk rock

that i probably ought to play louder

but i'm not going to

NOT ON MY ROOMMATE'S BEHALF

but cuz my receiver is weird and annoying

(it's not worth explaining)

dishrags rule ok

hm what else can i tell you

i still work at that horrible bar

i'm growing increasingly critical and paranoid about the internet

oh!

related

i'm very interested in the MKUltra program and experiments in brainwashing

IT'S OUT THERE PEOPLE

whatever it is

it probably is out there

whatever

an open letter if you don't mind the interruption:

dear rude norton,

those tits on the beach are not there for your squeezing

i don't know why they're all there

but you shouldn't assume anything

if you want to know

ask!

it's EASY

and the polite thing to do.

heart - dave

hm

not sure what else to talk to you about

not playing much music lately

i wrote a script for a short film

starring me and woody

(the bear)

haven't smoked weed in um 5 days i think?

why am i writing a dave update if i'm not stoned?

oh who knows

why do anything you guys?

why wake up in the morning?

why have coffee with your breakfast sandwich?

why have a breakfast sandwich at all?

IT'S OUT THERE PEOPLE

sigh

why bother with this dave update

this is kind of a dave downdate but i'm actually in a good mood

been too distracted to write anything lately

life is distracting and dumb

all i wanna do is drink beers and listen to slayer

but i have roommates and i think maybe a sinus infection

hey does anyone know a good place to live?

me and KA are thinking about getting OUTTA HERE

the bay is too expensive for anything

and it's dumb

money stinks money stinks

this city stinks

BEG BORROW OR STEAL

you said it young canadians

anyone who can guess which record i'm listening to gets $20

510 575 HISS

i'll pay it too, two jobs means i got hecka buxxx

hm

what else

i'm trying hard to make this a really long dave update

but i don't have much to say right now i think

feeling really normal lately

kind of square maybe?

going out and stuff doesn't really sound that appealing

i went to a show the other night and left early

one of the bands was so mind-numbingly loud and bad

that i felt kinda brain dead during it

so i just left

oh!

i have a car now!

but i want to get rid of it

hey if you can guess what record i'm listening to

you can have my car

no joke

my car or twenty bucks

NOT BOTH

winner's choice

this is such an easy contest to win

anyways

i brought up my car

because for some reason my car seems really appropriate to drink and drive in

maybe i shouldn't admit that on the internet

but i don't really care

if some cop wants to really do the leg work

and track down my info

and actually catches me in the act

(since the dave update is written in character)

(nothing i write on here should be taken seriously)

(UH-DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

but if some prick-head po-lice actually goes thru with all that

then hey cop good effort

way to make absolutely no difference at all

but anyways

i felt brain dead

so i got a beer and drove home

cuz i thought

if going out just makes me brain dead

then i can just go home and be brain dead instead

that way i can listen to good music

and the beer will be cheaper

is this dave update long enough yet?

i wanna eat soup soon

so maybe i should be done

but this isn't really THAT long

hm

veggie corn dogs

i think the dave update might be done

i am a brain dead normal person now

call me and win a car

this has been the dave update