* SOME CONTEXT *

* this coming tuesday i will be doing a live dave update reading *

* this is my introduction *

* don't read it *

* or do *

* idk *

* live your life *

hello there

i am dave

i write the dave update

the best blog on the internet

it's true

go ahead and read all the other blogs on the internet

told ya

i can say confidently

that the dave update is the best blog on the internet

because honestly i don't think it's really a compliment

it's kind of like being the best dried cranberry in the trail mix

ew

thanks sunny for asking me to "perform" tonite

and sorry for accidentally sending you on book tour

tonite i'd like to read for you

some highlights from the best blog on the internet

as well as give you some details

about an exciting investment opportunity

but first

i am doing a dave update

AS WE SPEAK

well

as i speak

quiet down back there please

the dave update is a blog i have written for maybe 6 years

that was created as an indirect way of realizing

a life goal that i had no real desire to "work" towards "accomplishing"

that goal being becoming a *professional* writer

i had and still have no idea how to make people pay me for writing stuff

so i just started writing the dave update

while on the clock at my desk job

BOOM

professional writer

it's that easy

i guess

i really enjoy writing it

mostly because i really enjoy talking to myself

but doing this makes it feel like i've accomplished something

sometimes the dave updates are a little aimless

sometimes they tell jokes

this one is going to tell a joke

as a way of "breaking the ice"

and then i will get to the highlight reel

ok

this is sort of a true story as well as a joke

i work as a bartender at a venue

and one night a group of customers came up to the bar

and i said

"hey what can i get y'all"

one of them got sort of excited

and asked

"are you from the south?"

and i replied

"uh no, why do you ask?"

she said

"oh, you said y'all so i figured maybe you were from the south"

i replied

"no i say y'all because i don't like to assume the gender identity of strangers"

and she said

"oh so you're from the bay area"

THESE ARE THE JOKES PEOPLE

get comfortable because here comes a lot more where that came from

this has been a not really live dave update