hey y'all

have y'all listened to the delfonics?

i mean REALLY listened to the delfonics?

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.

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*think it over*

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daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn

below is a list of jokes i've written

or

bits maybe

i dunno

these are jokes that i tell my girlfriend

and maybe she just laughs cuz she nice

#1

this joke is about pumpkin spice lattes

but is based on a story about pumpkin bread

i went to my local cafe recently

but after ordering

realized that i had no cash

"it's cool, we take cards"

they swipe my card thru the ipad

and swivel it for me to sign

i do

i add a tip

(because i'm not a monster)

and the ipad says

"would you like us to text you your receipt?"

and then it lists my number

(which is 510 575 HISS)

(uuh DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

((but actually it listed ***-***-4477))

((like it was my social security number))

((which is also 510 575 HISS))

((FYI))

and i thought that was fucked up

i don't need people to know

that someone with my phone number

is ordering pumpkin spice lattes

i don't need to start getting texts

saying "you may be interested in velour sweatpants"

"that also say juicy on the behind"

i don't need amazon to start sending me updates

that people like me

are also interested

in ugg boots

bad boyfriends

and regrettable ski trips

(that one feels like a crowd-pleaser)

#2

i feel like

after i left the internet

(this refers to an earlier joke about me leaving the internet)

i started to not really understand advertisements at all

i saw one the other day

an ad on bart

(really)

that said

"is your CRM"

"a plus or a minus?"

and then it had a logo

that was clearly spelled wrong

that's what i hate about san francisco nowadays

it's like companies are daring you to figure out how to pay them

i wanna put an ad on the bus that says

"don't let your twosome"

"make you bluesome"

and then a graphic

of 17 parrots

but not 17

one

photoshopped 17 times

standing on a train track

"don't let your twosome"

"make you bluesome"

and then a logo

that is definitely a vagina

but also mayybe says

clp.net

maybe

.

i am also considering .org

#3

what did the zebra say to the elephant?

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please leave me and my family alone.

(i have more)

(but i can't remember them right now)

this has been an increasingly rare dave update