hi there

right now i'm impressing my romanian coworker with all the words i know in other languages

"paldies" means thanks in latvian

"ahora" means now in spanish

"nihongo o amari hanashimasen" means i don't really speak japanese in japanese

(might actually be "amare")

"no puedo hablar japonese" means i can't speak japanese in spanish

"domme fotza" means dumb cunt in german

(the spelling on that is probably way off)

"du armes verztien" means you poor little sausage in german

(the spelling on that is DEFINITELY way off)

"bendejo" is asshole in spanish

"cabron" is fucker in spanish

but cabron is actually not as vicious as it sounds

it's one of those words that you can call your friends as a way of ribbing on them

"que tal cabron?" means what's up fucker? in spanish

(i don't know how to do those upside down question marks)

if you bend your arms at the elbow and put them in front of you

with the right arm on top of the left i believe

and make horns with your right hand

(index and pinky finger)

and then shake the fingers on your left hand

that means bullshit in american sign language

which at some colleges you can take for foreign language credit

and it's super easy if you already speak english

probably very very hard if you don't

what else do i know

i know that you can't clean cast iron pans with soap

or you shouldn't at least

and reseasoning cast iron pans is not as complicated as it sounds

i know that you're not supposed to drink alcohol when you're taking antibiotics

i know a really good way to get stuck tapes out of car stereos

you use a label and a ID card/credit card

fold one side of the label onto itself so you have a non-stick grip point

put the label sticky side down into the tape deck

with the ID card above it

press down on the ID card to affix the label to the cassette tape

and then take out the ID card and put it beneath the cassette

MOVE SLOWLY

don't rush it

because the label will come off

you just need to gently pull with the label while doing most of the work with the ID card

if you address a letter with your address in the TO: field and your friend's address in the FROM: field

and drop it in a mailbox with no postage

they'll send it to your friend for free

(though they may require him to pay the postage on it upon delivery)

(or they might just "lose" it)

i know the right way to floss, you need to rope the floss around certain fingers

it's hard to explain in text

i know my hands are cold and my ass still hurts

though i'm glad that i brought my heating pad to work today

i used to be able to imitate the sound a tape recorder makes when fast-forwarding or rewinding

though i haven't tried that in forever

i used to have samuel l jackson's infamous "did i break your concentration" scene in pulp fiction memorized

i know how to connect audio/video equipment

or at least i used to, it's more complicated now

one time when we went to michigan for our family's 50th year in america

we stopped at all our relatives' houses

(mostly my mom's side, my dad's side is all missing)

and i had to connect all their vcrs and dvd players for them

i didn't really understand why i was doing it but all of them asked me because apparently i'm the only gulbis that knows how?

i know that apocalypse now is probably the wrong movie to watch when you are depressed

(well i mean i know that NOW)

i know that i've been having more and more trouble entertaining myself when i am alone

and i know that i'll never be able to stick to my often made promise

to just STOP TALKING

because while i know that no one gives a shit what i have to say

i also know that for some stupid reason

i just can't ever shut up

i mean look at this stupid fucking list of shit that's probably not even true

i tell myself at night when i'm trying to sleep and feeling sad

STOP TALKING

stop talking because all that does is get your hopes up

you talk with people and then think, oh maybe i have a friend

but you don't dave

so SHUT UP

and then i go to sleep and tell myself that i'm never talking again

and i wake up in the morning and say hi to all the cats on our street

hi cat

hi cat

hi dora

it's friday

i'll pray for you

this has been a typically long and worthless dave update

hello

i don't really have anything to say today

i try to make any mention of other people in the dave update to be either anonymous-ish

cuz if i'm talking serious about someone else it sort of seems inappropriate

or i try to make it at least somewhat benign

like oh hey allison said something funny today

because i don't think allison would mind if people know that she's funny

i feel like i switched tenses somewhere in that last sentence

anyways

i kind of feel like today i shouldn't really say much at all.

ok

i'm going to say two things

and then move on

one

on bart yesterday

this woman accidentally cut off this older, kind of rich looking woman

she turned and apologized and the older lady scowled at her

and the younger woman shrugged it off

but then they sat across the isle from each other

and the younger woman was reading her kindle

but looked up in time to see the older lady taking a cell phone picture of her

she glared at her for awhile

and i thought she was going to say something

but she just kept glaring

and the older lady was clearly texting the picture to someone

and then after awhile she got a text back and just started laughing

the look on the younger woman's face was brutal

like, vicious

it was a really weird thing to witness

ok

two

hm

honestly, i can't even get into two

it's too private i think maybe?

not much is private with me

but i think maybe this is

yeah i think i should just move on

i hope that "someone" knows i'm thinking of them though

ok

i guess just one thing to say

have a good day everyone

or at least a better one

510 575 HISS

this has been the dave update

hello

my butt hurts

yesterday i got a text from a number i don't know

"Samantha wants to locate you using Life360. Reply YES to allow&accept Terms (http://bit.ly/hJr1hQ), NO to reject or HELP for help. Msg&data rates may apply"

this is what happens when you give your phone number out on the internet i guess

i obviously didn't bother to reply to it

but i did go to the life360.com site

it's kind of creepy

it's pretty much a voluntary Big Brother

where you pay to allow someone to track you at all times

"for your safety"

i'm not really a conspriacy theorist

so i'm not going to rant and rave about "where does the data go"

or whatever

but honestly....

well....

tangent

i was thinking last night about reality/alternate reality/etc

(no i was not STONED)

(yet)

but specifically i was thinking about how ultimately we do create our own realities

i believe at least

ahhh my butt hurts

i mean there are obstacles to whatever reality we create

but

hm

i'm wondering if i even want to start talking about this

i might just go on a wild thread

this already sounds pretty stoner/hippie/whatever

BUT IT'S NOT

i mean

i've been thinking about the sort of tangible truth to this anais nin quote

(paraphrasing probably)

"we see things not as they are, but as we are"

to me this is very true

but also something i try and rebel against

because i don't know if you regular readers have noticed yet

but i'm KIND OF A BUMMER

and i'm tired of just seeing the sadness in situations

and it just got me to thinking about the world in general

and how sad it is that THIS is the world that we've made

this world right now, which is total bullshit and unfun

is something that people worked towards

we've all put a lot of effort in to make a really shitty planet

(see what i mean?)

(kind of a bummer)

i'm not talking about some shit like

"how can we pave over trees to make a building"

i like buildings, i'm into 'em

just shit like money and insurance

higher finance i guess

i don't know, i don't think i really want to rant on this any more

the above probably makes little sense

hm

do you believe in any sort of an afterlife?

that's something i've been thinking about lately

i never did

still kind of don't

but i have trouble reconciling the idea that in a chaotic world

guided by nothing

with no absolute truth

no "intelligent design" that implies a designer

how is the concept of feeling beyond death off the table?

i mean maybe it's completely random

maybe some people get an afterlife

maybe some don't

when i was a lot younger i tried to kill myself

three times actually

it was weird because each time completely failed ha ha

like, there was no hospital visit or anything

my family never really knew

in fact probably very few people knew until now

now that my blog is HOT SHIT

now a million people know, now the INTERNET knows

ha ha who cares

but i did it each time really comforted by the possibility of an absolute end

like

"all i have to do is this"

"and then it's all over"

"and i'm done"

not like asleep

no eyes to close

no body to rest

gone gone gone

but i think about it now and it's actually more frightening

not because of any sort of heaven/hell issue

but a more genuine fear of

what the fuck is actually next?????

that troubles me now

would that be called existential malaise?

existential angst maybe

hm

i feel like i should end this dave update on a happy note

life is meaningless and life doesn't matter

but that really just means in life

we can really just do whatever the fuck we want

so i'm having another dave update contest

BECAUSE I FUCKING WANT TO

no one has to enter

in fact maybe i'll enter it

and maybe i'll win

SO FUCK YOU

anyways

today's contest is to do something that you wouldn't normally do

that's kind of corny but whatever

to win the contest

send me an e-mail about it after the fact

ihateyourartschool

gmail

or invite me to it beforehand

510 575 HISS

um

winners get...

whatever the fuck they want

just tell me what you want when you enter

and i will probably give it to you

so long as it's a good story

i don't want to see people saying

"i bought sprite instead of mountain dew"

"give me your guitar"

ha ha

i'll call them like i see 'em

happy daving

this has been the dave update

first things first

RIP poly styrene

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2011/apr/26/poly-styrene-obituary

total bummer

x-ray spex rule

i'm sure everyone already knows that but ari up and poly styrene?

serious losses

two bold women who absolutely were their own people

their own inventions

i feel like you don't see that any more

who today is like either of them?

i honestly don't know

i think art these days is so dependent on "reaction"

that it's difficult to find an earnest weirdo

and poly styrene was definitely one

more so than the more generic punk icons

sid vicious i'm looking at you

anyways

i hope in the future

in this wave of outlets

but draught of attention

we'll find a new way to be ourselves

i'm having a dry week this week

due in part to the return of the MRSA

but also just because i'm overdue

i drink a bunch

last night was the first time in awhile that i've gone to bed without having a beer or two

and the fact that it was actually really hard to go to sleep seems to suggest that i'm doing the right thing

i have a LOT of trouble falling asleep

and silent and dark is one of the places i feel least comfortable

i didn't listen to music last night, i totally should have

gas is some of my favorite music to sleep to

i need to get those cds back from my roommate

like NOW

hm what else

oh!

i have honey on my butt right now

ha ha

nick told me something about manuka honey

being a natural antibiotic or something

i've been to the doctor like 800 times for this thing

and for real

fuck doctors

i mean not really, i have a lot of respect for doctors

but i've been unable to get anyone to actually take this thing seriously

which is infuriating

because 1) this shit HURTS

i have a pretty high threshold for pain but this shit HURTS

2) this type of infection is apparently possibly fatal

i did some research on it after nick told me about this honey

so it's like, hey doc, might be dying here, do you give a shit?

"nope, not really dave"

i mean i'm not really exaggerating the level of disinterest i've gotten here

disinterest is probably the wrong word

but i've seen actually 5 doctors about this

and only one of the five actually saw me for longer than 5 minutes

the other 4 just took a look and were like, oh that's nothing to worry about

take these pills, use this soap, you'll be fine

and i reply that's what the other doctors have said,

and that's what i've done

and i'm not fine, i'm in a lot of pain

i think i've done a pretty good job of telling doctors that this thing is more serious than they seem to think

but DOCTORS KNOW BEST right?

maybe that's why nearly a year later my fucking ass still hurts

UGH

annoying

anyways

i'm sitting on honey right now

it's weird

whatever

this is sort of funny

when i bought the honey at rainbow

the cashier was really really cute

and also wearing a cute dress

so i said, "hey i really like your dress, it's very cute"

and we chatted awhile

and she saw that i was buying this honey

and she told me a lot about it

and while i was really impressed by her extensive knowledge of manuka honey

(for real, i was very impressed, i don't know anything about anything)

(and she knows a LOT about a honey i've only just found out exists)

(IMPRESSIVE)

at the same time i was like

"let's please stop talking about this honey"

"because i'm going to go home and smear it on my disgusting infected ass"

"and i'd really much rather talk about your dress"

"and not about the newest addition to the 'reasons dave is gross and undateable' list"

ha ha

510 575 HISS ladies ha ha

let's see what else

dear world

you can't force yourself into someone's life

no matter how much you care for them

and how much they seem to need something

i've been trying to remind myself that lately

it's been hard though because even knowing that the above is true

i firmly believe that people will not be my friend unless i hold them down

twist their arm

and shout at them until they realize that i'm not such a bad guy

again, i really don't think i'm overstating here

i don't know why i give off such awful first impressions

but people don't like me when they first meet me

i've had this told to me by SO many people

i don't know what people think of me when they first see me

but it's definitely not positive

and i'll be honest

i think i'm a bit of a bummer

i think i'm needy and overdramatic

but outside of that i think i'm a pretty good person

i mean sort of

i don't know

maybe i'm not

probably not

good people probably don't lose friends at the pace that i do

and good people probably make friends more quickly than i do

because they're good people, you know?

ugh

anyways

you can't force yourself into people's lives

that's all

this has been the dave update

hello

the infection is back

i'm confident that i probably have the black plague

BRING IT ON

actually please don't

it's terrifically uncomfortable

and now my right butt-cheek looks like the surface of the moon

TMI, i know

but fuck you

you don't have to live with it

that would be one thing i would look forward to

if i had like a brutal terminal disease

if anyone asked how i was doing i would give them very graphic detail

as cheerily as possible

"well, i think i threw up what was left of my liver earlier but outside of that i'm just loverly"

let's see

yesterday i watched like 10 episodes of the state

that show is really funny but it's weird how dated it is

like, i don't think people who weren't alive when it first aired would like it

there's like, a type of tv that it mocks

that just isn't around any more

kind of weird to realize that even tv is changing

when i was younger we travelled a bunch

because my brother was a chess champion and we'd go to tournaments all over

and i remember i really liked staying in hotels but for the dumbest reason

the tv was always so different

i used to love watching local news in a different city

it's weird how much of an aestethic things like local news have

probably some improper grammar in that last line

but i loved it, i never really felt like it was an interesting trip until i saw how different the tv was

the state is funny like that too

it actually totally has some skits shot in VHS

VHS!

i mean, total home movie quality

it's so cool

nothing like that is on tv now

i mean i at least assume

i really only watch hulu stuff

but either way, vhs! why not?

i want more things that look like shit

ha ha

ok

what else

who cares

this has been the dave update

hello

i am not a bored eyeball today

i am just a bored dave today

who is concerned that the skin infection on his butt is returning AGAIN

this is bullshit

it's annoying because when it first happens it just feels like an ingrown hair or a zit or something

so you don't really know how bad it may get

i'm just gonna keep it absurdly clean

life is no kind

i found a blog today

by someone who apparently snuck into google to leave them a letter

complaining about how google was in her head?

something kind of crazy sounding

her blog is very strange, i don't understand it at all

http://verasvechinalife.blogspot.com/

maybe it's her own vera update

and maybe in a year's time that is how the dave update will look

i'm listening to iceage right now

it's good

it's also good to not be listening to jazz for once ha ha

i wonder if maybe something in our bathtub is doing this to me

the skin infection i mean

because this popped up after i took a bath

and i only really started taking baths when i moved in here

but i did clean the tub recently

but also that tub is where my roommates dump all their gardening waste

or dirty water or whatever

i don't know for sure

i just see buckets in that tub and get annoyed

ok i don't want to do this any more today

i wanna get up and get dressed and eat toast maybe

this has been the dave update

hello

i slept til like 1 today

but i was up late, way later than i expected

didn't do anything really

just got stoned and took a super long bath

listened to that recent Gate record a bunch

so good

so depressing but so good

gonna put it on now actually

weekends are weird for me lately

i feel more isolated

i have days where i don't talk to anyone

i hate that

i have stuff to do today but i feel pretty numb

food would help maybe?

don't think i have a lot here

i've written 66 pages of a book but i'm blocked on it right now

maybe i should just copy and paste all the dave updates

wow

i tried it with just the first page and it filled the rest of the book

amazing

i guess this is double spaced though

for reasons i'm not sure i understand

i hope i finish this damn book

it would be nice to finish something

like a book

like my laundry

like breakfast

like shaving

last night i was shaving in the shower without a mirror

i had to finish it this morning in the light

did a really shitty job, it's like i forgot whole parts of my face exist

i don't really want to practice today

i want to sleep more

someone was telling me about their new make-out buddy the other day

and i got really

not jealous

but envious of them

i mean they just made out in the park

for the first time

what a couple of cuties

i told that person i was going to post about wanting a make-out buddy on the next dave update

like it was another contest

because i mean someone entered the last one

so maybe someone will enter this one ha ha

i'm not doing it now by the way

i'm just telling the story

i have enough pretend stuff in my life

i don't think someone making out with me because they're bored and figured "why not" is really what i need right now

i'm not sure what i need exists

but i still thought it would be funny to post a need for a make-out buddy

in the same way one might post a rideshare ad

"just need a quick lift to makeoutville"

"can't afford to rent but will chip in on gas"

"420 friendly?"

"ask your friends, if anyone can help it'd be appreciated"

so on so on

anyways

i hope something fun happens this weekend

i might not do the audition because they moved the shoot to friday

but i'm probably still going to talk to the director today

this is getting really long and i don't think it's a good one

i'm going to end it with a short list

of three things i'm not embarrassed to like:

1. early pj harvey

2. jazz music

not like free jazz

because i like that too but without embarrassment

i'm talking like sort of smooth jazz

like the music in the movie "comedian"

or the music in that show "louie"

that's not really smooth jazz but it's a little stuffy shirt jazz

(as though that's a term)

3. hm

i'm not sure what else i can think of

romance

i haven't really admitted that lately

because i've been without it for so long

i mean i'm not even talking about sex or connection or whatever

i mean saying nice things to someone you're dating i guess

love, whatever

i was in love with someone for about a week

nearly a year ago

i mean i loved her for longer

but we were in love for about a week

i think most of my other relationships involved us being deep in "like"

or being very much a one-way "love"

which isn't really capital l Love i guess

love

call it a guilty pleasure

oi how this child will suffer

if anyone knows what movie that is from

text or call 510 575 HISS

and we can either make out

or i will do your laundry

this is a quote from my book

"My father tells me on the phone about when he quit smoking, how he just decided to stop and did it, suddenly it just wasn't a part of who he was and it was his decision to make it that way and I find it funny because that's exactly how I quit, even though I've since restarted one and a half years after the fact. I wonder if he knows this, and if that's why he's bringing it up. I think about coincidences and how they're often false associations, as invented as any lie. I think about what a good liar I am and decide that maybe that's a lie too."

this has been a pretty damn long dave update

hello

last night was fun

somebody entered the contest too

so i'm out five bucks ha ha

brown bag week

might have another audition today or tomorrow

i'll be playing a giant eyeball

for a commercial for contact lenses

all i have to do is look bored

and let's face it

i'm CLEARLY very good at being bored

i mean how many blogs do i have for fucks sake

i am the mayor of snoresville

let's see, what else

seems like a lot of people i know are down lately

myself included though i feel pretty good today

i wish there was a better fool proof way of getting out of your head for a minute

i mean drugs/booze is sort of the obvious answer here

but we all know that's not really reliable nor healthy

maybe an orgy would help

ha ha ha

i have a joke that i stole from jw's twitter account

he tweeted

wait

twat?

he posted this:

"i want to make a magic 8 ball where every answer is 'maybe partying will help'"

i think that's a real tweet-tastic twat twert twip tarrooooo

anyways

dear friends of mine

who are down in the dumps

let's go to the trampoline gym maybe?

or the zoo?

they should make a "cute zoo"

"they"

like a zoo where all the animals are ADORABLE

"we've travelled far and wide to bring you the cutest of the cute"

probably have some meercats in there

and some mini-llamas

SO CUTE

i love llamas

i llove llamas

god i'm glad i'm posting this idea on the internet

so after someone actually does it and makes millions of dollars

i can say I THOUGHT OF THAT IDEA

maybe i'll get free admission for life

instead of a petting zoo they could have a kitten box

where you can just roll around in cute

that's probably not a practical idea

oh!

dear readers

i am in love with a cat

NOT SEXUAL LOVE

i feel like i need to emphasize this

DAVE GULBIS DOES NOT FUCK CATS.

i'm glad that's on the internet now too

anyways

jacy's cat ion and i are in love

we have a special bond

it's beautiful

suzy used to talk about having special moments with her cats

and now i get it

because ion and i are on the same page

we stare at each other a lot

she has beautiful eyes

again

DAVE GULBIS DOES NOT FUCK CATS

i can't overstate that

anyways

friends

hang in there

if you are actually a friend of mine then know that i really care about you

and would take you to the trampoline gym

or the cute zoo

whatever you'd prefer

just call, any time

510 575 HISS

if you are unsure whether or not you are a friend of mine

you can call that same number

or maybe you should text it actually

because it would be awkward if you called me

and i had to be like, "oh sorry we're actually not friends"

if you are wondering if we're friends or not

text me at 510 575 HISS

and i'll let you know

standard text messaging rates may apply

this has been a surprisingly positive dave update

hey there

no one entered the contest

double you tea eff

step it up y'all

maybe i should have made the contest about calling me and being kinda creepy

i would have had 2 winners

anyways

I GOT THE PART

apparently i said "hi pim" better than anyone else ha ha

should be fun

saw pictures of the place, it's really pretty

now i just need a ride up there

if anyone reading this has a car

and is available the weekend of may 1st

let's go on a road trip!

they'll pay for gas and put us up on saturday night

i'm sure we'll get some food too?

DOESN'T THAT SOUND FUN??????????

get in touch

510 575 HISS

we can wear cheap sunglasses and pee on the side of the road

maybe if we get lucky they'll have a rad breakfast diner around there

i love eating at diners in the middle of nowhere

i used to get boxes of cassette tapes with christian sermons on them

because they were free and you can just tape over them

but sometimes they had really funny names

and i have one that's called "eggs, potatoes, coffee"

i don't think i've taped over it yet

i should give it a listen

i love eggs potatoes and coffee

maybe that means i'm religious?

probably not

seeing as technically i'm ripping off priests

man

i hope i'm not religious ha ha ha

because if so i'm starting my spiritual journey towards redemption with a pretty severe handicap

i went to a catholic high school

and would go to mass high

well

i should say that i would go to mass high

when i wasn't ditching mass to go to my friend's house and get high

hahahahahahahaha

i actually didn't smoke that much in high school

i smoke more now than when i was young, weird

that's what being in a noise band will do to you i guess

oh shit

i actually totally have work to do!

i should cut this short i guess

though this is probably good enough right?

so

dear readers

2 things

if you are free the weekend of may 1st and have a car

please get in touch

and if you are free tonight and live in the bay area

come to balazo tonight because seven lies are playing

oh!

and third thing

THANKS FOR READING

this has been the dave update

hi there

this is a bonus dave update

BONUS

exciting right?

i'm at work right now and feel talkative suddenly

probably because i couldn't think of anything earlier

i have a blah blah blah quota maybe

anyways

usually when i get like this i just start bothering people on gchat

but i realized something just a bit ago

right now the best friends that i have are the two people who don't seem to mind when i bother them on gchat

and i think "don't seem to mind" is probably inaccurate

i think "are annoyed but too polite to mention it" is probably more likely

(either way, thanks you two)

(and sorry)

so i'm doing a bonus dave update

because i don't want to try my luck with them any further

because once that thread snaps

i'm on my own baby

i'm all a-lone baby

i'm on my own baby

for awhile-ile-ile-ile-ile-ileeee yeah

I JUST MADE THAT UP

in yr fucking face losers

ok i'm having another dave update contest

for all my loyal readers

oops

i mean for my loyal reader

hm

i can't actually think of a contest now

damn

sounded like a good idea in my head but i'm totally dropping the ball here

ok

first person to text me a picture of something interesting gets five dollars

or something of their choosing

that would cost around five dollars

or take about half an hour of my time

get creative kids

y'all know the number by now

this has been a bonus dave update

hi there

this is dave update number 36

i think

no one else has called me from casual meetup

too bad

i could have had more fun with that i think

today i have an audition

i'm wearing my nicest shirt

but it kind of smells

sigh

this is why i don't have nice things

this is the wrong week for this week

i have so much to do this week but no energy to do anything

except of course for the dave update

which nobody reads unless i mention website scams

what can i talk about today?

nothing i guess

oh i'll post the 3 lines that i have in this short film that i'm auditioning for

"hi pim"

"i'll get his stuff"

"what?"

fin

hm

i'm really blanking today

i just thought of a story to tell but then i decided it wasn't worth it

stefan and i hung out yesterday for a minute

oh!

i won 2 dollars on a scratcher

WA-HOOOOOOOO

WA-TWOOOOOOOO DOLLLLLLLARRRRRRRSSSSS

i keep on deleting lines from this dave update

clearly i'm not in the mood for sharing today

which is rare

all i do is blah blah blah

that's why i don't have any friends

because they're all tired of my blah blah blah

but it's a vicious cycle

the longer i'm alone the more i need to talk with people

and the more i talk with people the more alone i am ha ha

BAH

nobody likes me

everybody hates me

guess i'll just go and eat some worms

this has been a censored dave update

hi everyone

interesting night last night

interesting morning so far

last night i got in a long talk about politics with my dad

which normally ends in a shouting match

but this time ended in me convincing him to tell his friends what he told me about gay marriage

which amounted to basically

"it's not a lifestyle i understand or agree with..."

"...but after meeting a gay couple...."

"and recognizing the way the interacted as people happy and in love"

"i don't think that it's right for me to go to a ballot box and take away that happiness"

it felt good, my mom voted against the gay marriage ban in az

(which obviously passed by a landslide)

(so again, fuck arizona)

(california too)

(but mostly just so cal)

anyways

today has started strange but funny

i've gotten 2 calls from pennslyvania

from people who got my number from craigslist

and also casual meetup dot com

i talked a little about this last update but didn't realize that in that bewilderingly popular post of the dave update

i posted my phone number

oops

but whatever, it's been funny so far

maybe i should post the numbers of the people who've been calling me

if any women in PA are looking to get laid

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

i've got some digits for ya

hahahahahaha

one guy was named "delight"

though i imagine it was probably d-lite or something

he got really mad when he found out i was a dude

man this is funny timing

yesterday i wrote about the dude who used to call me to jack off

and now i'm totally in the same position

position is an awkward word to use in this context

but it's not really a dilemma because it's funny right now

hm

anyways

i'm probably going to keep posting my number on the internet

it'll be like "where's george dot com"

where people will call me from all around the country

and i'll be able to say

"oh cool my number is posted on craigslist in kansas now"

my digits get around

this is funny

but might get old

who cares

LIFE GETS OLD

we started listening to this Weyes Blood LP at work yesterday

i'm gonna throw it on again

because i liked it but didn't hear the whole thing

starting tomorrow the dave update will have less to do with perverts and jacking off

I HOPE

i think they've been funny so far but a theme is beginning to develop that i'm less than comfortable with

ha ha

ok

this has been the dave update

hi

this is dave

my neighbors have been fighting lately

one of my neighbors is named dora and she's either senile or demented

or suffers from dimensia

which sounds not quite as bad as demented

she sits on the porch all day and asks people to come over

she also makes these retching sounds

which she calls "burping"

but it sounds like neil hamburger

it's REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING

when i first moved in i would go over there once a week and keep her company

but then i realized she didn't really care either way

i would spend time with her and walk to the store or something

and when i came back home she would say

"come over a minute"

and i'd say "i was just over there"

and she'd say something like "i wouldn't do that to you"

so now i don't really go over there because it's pointless

maybe i should find a book i could read to her

like "tropic of cancer"

or "no exit"

ha ha

anyways

our next door neighbor has finally had enough

twice this weekend i heard her talking with dora

being kind of mean actually

calling her constant harassment of people "unchristian"

which if you know dora is a pretty low blow

it was weird to listen in

because even though i'm pretty much on my next door neighbor's side

and pretty fucking sick of hearing dora all day everyday

one she's pretty mean about it, she's pretty rude in these conversations

and two it's pointless

dora will apologize and my neighbor will walk away

but once she's alone again she's the same old dora

she should probably be put into a nursing home

though i imagine that's easier said than done

once my roommate accidentally locked her out of her house

sometimes she'll call you over and ask you to get something from her house

(which reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks of urine bee tea dubs)

and my roommate got her phone for her

and closed the door behind her on her way out

not realizing it would lock

oops

now we have her son's number on our dry erase board

JUST IN CASE

i could go on with stories about dora but she's really bugging me lately

so i'll move on i guess

last night i made soup and watched "kissing jessica stein"

which i bring up only to remind all my readers that i am in fact a sad sad man

ha ha

i was looking at the "stats" for the dave update sunday

and it was weird because i actually get a lot of "hits"

like 51 yesterday, 28 so far today

so i checked to see which posts were getting the most hits

and it's the one where i talk about gamma ray blue

so i was thinking maybe people are rediscovering matrin newell/cleaners from venus

(which, i mean, they sort of are)

but then i reread the post

and it's the one where i talk about craigslist personal ads

and it turns out people are googling "kayla's" screenname

on casual hookup or whatever that website was

and getting linked to me

talk about a boner killer

that made me laugh a bit

thinking about lonely men with their pants down

ready to jerk off to pictures of this sassy kayla girl

who is CLEARLY d2f

(that means down to fuck, i've been reading a lot of these ads lately)

and instead reading my blog

well

lonely men and lonely lesbians/bi-curious women of america

i am here for you

you can masturbate to my bummer blog any time you like

oh!

that reminds me of a story

in high school this guy kept calling me and jacking off

i would pick up the phone and just hear heavy breathing

usually i would just hang up

but after awhile i got interested in him

and would start talking to him while he was doing it

not like dirty talk

just one-sided conversations

probably not too dissimilar to the dave update

anyways

he started to actually talk back

i don't remember his name

i remember he wasn't gay though

i kept asking if he was because i was like, dude

my voice has dropped at this point

i'm definitely a man

sorry if that doesn't do it for you

but he was fine with it

though sometimes when we'd talk he'd still say stuff like

i wanna see your pussy

he wanted me to meet him at in a wash and show him my pussy

two problems with that

one i am NOT meeting ANYONE at a wash

washes are maybe an arizona thing

they're kind of like empty river beds

or like dry creeks

where the water runs during monsoon season

they're gross though

overgrown with prickly plants

full of trash and human waste

i'm not showing anyone my pussy in some trashy wash

two despite popular belief

I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA

sorry guys

sometimes i would actually talk him off

just because it was funny

i would say stuff like

"oh you can't see my pussy, i haven't shaved in so long"

"are you sure you wanna see my big hairy bush"

ha ha ha

for the record i never "got into it"

as they say

i just thought it was funny

i wonder how many hits my blog is going to get from "big hairy bush"

this has been the dave update

hello

this weekend has been miserable

i didn't write one of these yesterday because i thought it would be too depressing

i'm not sure what's different about today but here we are

i think maybe i should stop doing this

i think i should stop talking altogether

i felt so depressed yesterday i could barely move

today i'm just walking really slow

improvement

fuck this

this blog was supposed to be funny

(i think?)

i am an awful person in all of my dreams lately

i keep waking up with different little cuts on my body too

tiny ones

like if you put your hand down a tube to grab something

you would be unsurprised if you got a little cut

they're that size

maybe mice are nibbling on me while i sleep

ugh

this weekend has been awful

hanging out with nick and sonia was nice though

but everything else has been miserable

and the same thought keeps popping into my head

"last straw last straw"

it never is by the way

friday i left a show with a bunch of friends

(or if not friends people whose names i know)

i couldn't breathe

i went to tiger bar and lillian gave me a bunch of free drinks

she offered to be my step-mom and licked her hand to flatten down a cow-lick on my head

when i was walking home i talked with a homeless guy for a few blocks

he was really into basketball

i gave him five dollars because he was being really nice to me

not in a "hey i want money so i'm gonna be nice to you" way

(even though let's face it that was probably the case)

but we just started talking and it was a cool conversation

we showed each other our ids for some reason

his name was spencer ricky something

i called him ricky

seemed like a ricky

lillian is strange but great

she went back and forth with me for a bit

she looked at me and said i was a good person

("she could tell")

and then she sort of made fun of me for being sad

"let me guess"

"nobody likes you? can't fit in? feeling lonely?"

"ha ha ha"

"who hasn't been there"

we had like 4 shots of jagermeister there

i don't really like jagermeister but when it's free who cares

fernet jr

i got really drunk friday

i had a half pint of whiskey on my lunch break

and just kept going for the rest of the night

i think i give off a sick aura

not like siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick

but like toxic

i think i must look like damaged goods

i hate getting in this gross void but i don't know what else to do lately

people are avoiding me and for good reason i'm sure

enough of this

i'm going to have another shitty sunday

and then go to work for 5 more days

and then have another shitty weekend

i would change it but i can only think of one way

and saturday i discovered that there are still some things that i am scared of

other than heights and spiders

i never used to be afraid of heights but i started having dreams where

every time i was on a really high building

or a really high place

(once it was a big cruise ship)

i would get dragged over the edge

by some invisible force

and then fall fall fallllllllllllllll

BOOOOOOOM wake up

now sometimes when i'm up high i feel that force

it's like an anti-wind

it doesn't push you it pulls

life is no kind

this has been the dave update

hello

do you think the dave update is a bad thing?

maybe not a "bad thing" but a bad sign

a red flag

i was thinking about this last night

because i was completely talking to myself at home

on my front porch

sitting down

having a conversation with someone who wasn't there

not out loud, thank god

but i caught myself and realized

oh shit

this is probably not a good sign

really i'm not sure how aimless rants on the internet are any different than aimless rants on the corner of 18th & mission

there's a guy i've seen there lately

oops actually 19th and mission

but he's really angrily kicking stuff

like mostly bottles but sometimes boxes

and he looks like he's trying to kick them into the trash

and he's REALLY PISSED that he's not making it

but i mean it's like an impossible shot

and he actually gets really close

probably been doing it for awhile

i walked past him once and he said the usual crazy bum picking a fight kind of stuff

"fuck you nigger i'm gonna fucking kill you nigger"

etc etc

i thought about him last night

and then i thought about the guy on 16th & van ness

who plays the most insane but completely rad music

it sounds like jandek kind of but if jandek was a street performer?

it sounds like it is made for people to listen to but it's really really strange

it's completely unique, i don't think it's an exaggeration to say i've never heard anything like it

i actually really want to record him but he's kind of intimidating

not in a threatening kind of way but he's very intense looking

older, hispanic, but with eyes sunken deep into his skull

i saw him at the bank once

(weird)

and i got really excited because he doesn't play out all the time

and every time he vanishes you can't help but think maybe he's died

so when i saw him alive in the bank i was very excited

i made sure to leave at the same time as him

so i held open the door for him on his way out

and said "i haven't seen you playing for awhile"

and he looked over at me with those deep grim eyes

and muttered hoarsely

with a bit of a shrug

"....life"

and walked out

i hope someday i see him play music again

it is really amazing music

i hope that my directionless internet rants at least fall into his category of crazy

where it's just something that needs to be done

i doubt it though

on my way to work i saw an obese blind person

with a helper dog

and the helper dog was trying to walk quickly across the street

but the blind woman couldn't really keep up

so she was just dragging the dog back

and it made me wonder if people ever trade in their guide dogs

that was the saddest thought i think i've ever had

guide dogs already are heart-breaking

they always have this "why doesn't anybody like me" look on their face

when everyone loves them they just aren't allowed to pet them

i mean guide dogs are heroes, but they don't know it

they're heroes but also slaves

it's very sad to me

if i went blind i would get a guide dog

but just play with it all the time

and use one of those canes instead

i would just have the guide dog so i would be able to take it on bart

and then i would just let it run around bart

maybe i would even throw treats directly at people

so the dog would just run and jump on strangers

and mess up their nice outfits looking for the treat

missle

i want a dog and i want to name it missle

i love that name

who would stop us?

me and missle

who would even have the balls to go up to a blind person and say

"hey can you get control of your guide dog?"

even if someone did i would just say

"oh no, you didn't pet him did you?"

and then missle and i would have a laugh

this has been the dave update

OH!

EDIT

two things

one, apparently i have a follower now?

cool

thanks fawrrell1 for following me

i don't know who the hell you are or why you're following me

but would love to hear from you

if you've been following me for awhile and i just never noticed

then you probably have my number

(if not it's 510 575 HISS ha ha)

or you can e-mail me at

ihateyourartschool

that's a gmail address

i don't want to put that down like normal because i'll just get a ton of spam i bet

ok

two

i don't think this is about me

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/mis/2326148304.html

but if it is

i want the author of it to please tell me

i may not "love you so fucking much" back

but we can certainly give it a try

because i have nothing else going on in my life

i've quit everything recently

and now i just sit around and eat popcorn

hope you love popcorn "so fucking much"

i'm going to respond to that ad right now and just say

"hi my name is dave and i doubt your ad is about me but if you wanna hang out sometime and chat..."

"my number is 510 575 HISS"

"this isn't a joke"

"heart - dave"

ok this has been the dave update(s)

hi

i wrote a different dave update but then my mail crashed and i couldn't save it

i type these up at work in an open e-mail

so it looks like i'm just writing an e-mail

when instead i'm writing the dave update

it's true

i'm an evil genius

if only i could use my powers for good

ok

all i want to do right now is complain

but complaining doesn't get you anything

not that keeping things bottled in gets you a lot either

i'm not sure what proper outlet is available for people who are upset

i think that's why people go on homicidal rampages

for the record i don't intend to go on a homicidal rampage

i have been thinking about death a lot lately

i think i'm ready to die, i guess

when i used to think about it before

i would always think

"well, i want to do something first"

"make a record that someone else puts out"

"write a book that 10 people might read"

"meet a girl and have, you know, an actual relationship"

"instead of a few weeks of sex that apparently was meaningless to one of us"

TMI, sorry

i don't think i need to do any of those things any more

i mean who cares

i don't have anything to offer

that is going to genuinely affect people

not that i want to blow someone's mind or anything

i just always wanted to make something where at least a couple people would think

"i'm glad that the thing dave made exists"

they don't even need to know my name really

just "i'm glad this thing exists, i don't even care about who made it"

"he was probably an asshole"

"but i am happy this is here"

i don't think i'm capable of doing that though

and honestly even if i am

(or was, really)

the desire is gone

i used to play a game where i would try to think of EXACTLY where i wanted to be at any given moment

and try to get as creative and specific as possible

i'm trying to play it now

i think that i would like to be melted into a cheese sauce

maybe fondue

but maybe not because cheese sauce is gross when it cools down

i don't know

i would like to be hanging from the back of a flying airplane

as it spins around an active volcano

(so that it would be warm)

if anyone can make this happen

that number once more is 510 575 HISS

or if anyone wants to

you know

TALK

i mean i'm paying $50 a month for this stupid phone

i'd like for it to be used now and again

let's see how many calls i received this month

five

that actually seems like a lot for me

...

ok

i'm getting a bagel

this has been the dave update

hello

the dave update today is going to be cranky

because yesterday fucking sucked

you know what?

don't even want to fucking talk about it

hate my life, sick of it

this has been the dave update, there will be no encore

hi there

i had a really really nerdy dream last night

i had a dream that i let an old co-worker borrow my offs 7"

which, already, wow, what a nerdy dream

when he gave it back to me i noticed that,

while the insert was still there,

the actual paper sleeve that houses the 7" was gone

which, i mean, who fucking cares

(now that i'm awake)

but i was freaking out about it

i yelled at him and he was like "it didn't have one, it wasn't there"

BUT IT WAS

and he finally left from wherever we were

and i started looking around for it

tearing the room apart

and then he started texting me stuff like

"hey dave i have a shriekback 7" you can borrow if you want hahahahahahah"

"i bet you're really into fIREHOSE now hahahhaah"

this is all music nerd humor

and everything he texted me made me so angry

and it all ended in "hahahahahahah"

finally i found the sleeve

and texted him back "found it, told you it was there you prick"

that's all i really remember

other than when i found it and texted him he wasn't sorry AT ALL

ha ha

i wish i could tell you some story about playing a rad show

or seeing a rad show

or about all the cool people i met last night

instead i'm telling you about a dream where i had a temper tantrum about some shit that doesn't matter

why can't i have dreams about doing cool shit?

it's not fair that even in my dreams i'm a NERD

this has been the dave update

sigh

monnnnnnndayyyyyyyyyyy

sunnnnnndayyyyyyy was a longggggg dayyyyyyy

i hate when i have a day where i don't really talk to anyone

the best part of yesterday was when someone texted me

and it just said "Hampton Inn."

that made my day

aw this is cute

i just got of the phone with a guy in the band nodzzz

he was calling because we're supposed to have band copies for him

of their upcoming record

but we couldn't figure out how many we were supposed to have

and i told him to call back

and he was like, "well, do you mind if i just come by to see it?"

"i just wanna check it out"

awwwwwwwww

yeah dude. totally!

come on by!

that was nice

good start to a monnnnnnnnnndayyyyyyyyy

hm

anyhoo

that kind of derailed my bummer morning

god damn it

ha ha

um

this week i would like to do something different

i have very little energy lately though

anyways

ok

enough of this

back to work

happy monnnnnnnnndayyyyyyyyyy

this has been the dave update

hi there

yesterday was great oh my goodness

had so much fun

today seems cold though

i'm very hungry

whatever happened to the breakfast buffet?

i could do one of those right now

i used to sneak into continental breakfasts at hotels in arizona

it was rad

the trick is to show up early

no one is going to kick you out before 9

i had a 7:30 spanish class one semester

and i'd always ditch it and go to the hotel by my house

blanking on the name right now

i can see the sign though, the colors at least

i keep on wanting to say continental inn but that's just because i'm thinking of continental breakfast

residence inn?

no

i think their sign is red

this was blue with kind of curly white lettering

on rural/scottsdale road

if you know which one i'm talking about post it in the comments

yes

this will happen

anyways i would love a breakfast buffet right now

i'd like to get really really fat today

and then eat nothing all week

this coltrane record isn't as good as i was hoping

elvin jones is starting to rock out a bit though

cool

figures

this song is called "the drum thing"

god elvin is a beast

i wish he would have played in a crazy blown out psych band or something

i'd love to hear him go nuts with some shredders

GET GNARLY ELVIN

i guess with a name like elvin....

it's a jazz life for you

yesterday we talked about what a tough name mugsy bogues is

it's weird that he got into basketball because he could have been a really terrifying gangster with that name

"the name's mugsy, see?"

"myeah"

hard to type that accent

i think you all get the point though

today i might go roller skating

i need to record but i don't want to be in my room right now

i want to be in a hotel

getting maple syrup on my hotel sheets

while i eat my fourth helping of pancakes

i love fake sausage too but i doubt any hotel serves it

maybe i should cook but i don't even want to be home right now

hm someone at the door

oh someone i don't know

for my roommate

who cares

I ONLY CARE WHEN I HEAR MY NAME

ok

gonna continue listening to records and thinking about fake sausage

if you live in the bay area, california

and you'd like me to treat you to breakfast

please call within the hour

510 575 HISS

operators are sitting around, listening to jazz music

this has been the dave update

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

hello there

how are you?

last night was strange

kind of a bummer

it was my first real night "off" in awhile

but i feel like i kind of wasted it

there was so much to do but no will to do it

i've been super exhausted lately too

for awhile i was waking up before my alarm and feeling "refreshed"

but i've been late to work the past two days

and just feel wiped

feel weird too, feel like i don't know what to do with myself any more

sunday i got SO BORED

and josh filled up the kitchen with his mushrooms

so i was like, well, can't cook

no money

no strings on my guitar

no one to call

um

i guess i go for a walk

but i'm tired of berkeley

i like it in the day but it's kind of depressing at night

i'm sure that's all internal

whatever

hm

tea gee eye eff

this has been the dave update

hi there

hm

i got nothing

had a real deep talk with jacy yesterday

about death

i've been thinking a lot about death lately

death and food

nah just kidding

mostly just death

um

i can't really think about anything to talk about today

i'm tired and a little grumpy

there was another earthquake in japan

life's weird

this has been a particularly bland dave update

hello

last night was fun

was hangin in my old "hood"

where apparently there was a fire

had a weird moment though when i was walking to bart

got offered A LOT of drugs

which really isn't that weird

but in between getting offered a lot of drugs

(some of which i'd never heard of)

(must be getting old)

(if you don't know what a drug is it's because you're OLD)

(ha ha)

(parentheses)

some super normal looking white guy walked by me

looked me in the eye

and said very articulately

"hello, how are you?"

and it CREEPED ME OUT

i mumbled hello and just kept walking

but it totally gave me chills, ugh

and then i started thinking about black people

and how i'm always a little jealous of them

because you'll be sitting on bart near a black person

and another black person will come on the train

and they'll say hello and start chatting like they were old friends

and i always think to myself (at first)

"wow, they seem very unsurprised at seeing each other on the train"

because whenever i see someone i know on bart

i'm always like, WHOOAAAAAA whatareyoudoingwhereareyougoinglet'shangoutblahblahblah

but they always are real casual about it

but if you eavesdrop for awhile

(which i ALWAYS do on bart)

it becomes clear that they don't know each other at all

i thought this was just an arizona phenomenon at first

because there aren't that many black people in AZ

because it is openly racist as fuck

seriously

if you were surprised by SB 1070 you have obviously never been to arizona

when i was growing up there people my age would tell me the most racist fucked up shit

and i would be like, "dude, you're my age?"

"aren't you supposed to actually like live a long and shitty life before you start telling me how lazy black people are?"

"or how mexicans are stealing all our jobs?"

"have you even MET a black person????"

"i mean we work at a movie theatre together, what mexican did you have to fight off to get THIS SHIT JOB?"

anyways, yeah, az = racist as fuck.

big whoop

but even out here there is like a weird comraderie between black people who don't appear to know each other

maybe i'm rushing to label this but i've never ever seen a white person come on the train and shake hands with someone and just start chatting like they were friends

and i've definitely seen a lot of black people doing it

it's not racist, it's just pattern recognition

ha ha

i think if you have to tell anyone "no no it's not racist" then it's probably racist

so this whole rant is probably racist

but fuck it i'm from arizona what do you expect

anyways

i always really liked that kind of attitude

that sort of, "hey, we're both black, let's chat"

and always wondered why white people didn't do it

with each other or with other ethnicities for that matter

and then this super normal dude said

"hello, how are you?"

to me

and i was like UGHHHHHHHHHHHH GET AWAY FROM ME WEIRDO

so maybe i'm not looking for that kind of friendliness

friendliness?

friendlyness?

hm

definitely not with a y....

so maybe i'm not looking for that kind of attention

but to be fair i was in the TL

and i had drugs to buy damnit

no time to chat

ha ha

not really but i had a train to catch

plus dude looked like a bible saleman

and i have enough bibles thank you

i had a bunch of other deep thoughts last night

sometimes i do think we're stuck with this self we're born into

and i believe that the "self" is something that evolves from experience

i don't know if we're a blank slate really

because there are a lot of things that we have no control over that affect who we are

like for example if we're black we might be more likely to talk to people on a train

(IT'S NOT RACIST IT'S JUST A THEORY HA HA)

if we're born with pretty eyes we're more likely to seem interesting

weak examples but maybe you get my point

our culture and setting has already invented traits for us

and some of those traits are things we can escape

but i used to think all of them were

now i'm not sure

last night we were talking a lot about growing up

and getting stoned

and i couldn't relate to so much of it

my friends were talking about how weird it was when you came home stoned and your parents were stoned too

and all of these other weird fun young experiences

and my adolescence was so much more combatitive

like when i got grounded for an entire summer

or even just work

i worked for our family business my whole life

i had no choice in this

i mean i was even fired from it

twice

and it was AWESOME both times

but a few days went by and then my dad was like

"need you to work this weekend"

i had no time to take acid and steal a car and go to california

then when i turned 15 i got a job outside of home

and then 16 a second job

and i just worked

so i could get money

to get away from arizona

and then i got offered a scholarship at asu

which i should have turned down

because i went to school and spent all the money i'd saved

because i just went to school for awhile and didn't work

but school is still work so i didn't enjoy the money i'd saved, oops

ok

this is enough

this dave update is turning into a list of all the things i've done wrong in my life

and fuck i could go ALL DAY

i should have just stuck with being racist

this has been the dave update

hello

in lieu of a regular dave update

which i really don't have the time for

i've copy/pasted a story from brucio.com

enjoy

If I smoked, I bet that I'd be up to three packs a day by now. Don't let that alarm you 'cause if I smoked, I'm sure I'd be trying to quit. Maybe I'd be having a hard time of it, but I'm sure I could lean on the love and support of my friends. 'Cause knowing those CRAZY GUYS they would have quit long before me...and they'd delight me with their insightful stories about how hard it was to stop "cold turkey." If I smoked, and if my friends smoked, and if I had friends.

If I had a girlfriend, I know that we would be happy. But not as happy as we once were. Because I'm sure that if I had a girlfriend, that one of those things about her, which at first I found downright enticing, would have begun to bug me.

Like the way she ate breakfast, at first very sexy, now it would drive me fucking nuts. Every third meal would be a nightmare. To stop the fighting, we'd try eating breakfast at midnight and having gimlets, her favorite cocktails, as soon as we woke up. It would be mayhem. But we would tough it out because despite the tear in the eggs, we knew that we were meant for each other, no matter what.

Because, if I had a girlfriend she would possess a secret beauty. You know the kind of unique beauty that stupid guys can't see: f.m. beauty.

But what if her underground beauty had blossomed, crossed over, into full blown beauty that any fool could see?

And those guys, you know, the guys who, if they could play instruments, would be plugging away in real rotten bands, as if the world needed more bands that sounded like R.E.M. Those guys would call my girlfriend up, if they knew her number, if she had a phone, if I had a girlfriend...and they would HIT ON HER. I would 'call them out'...having confused my life with the movie, "Walking Tall."

They would come over, in cabs - if they had any money - and we would get in a street fight, just me and them...if I had guts...But I don't have guts so they would pummel me. And knowing my girlfriend which I don't, she would go with them, leaving me alone with a dog.

A dog that she and I had picked out, that she had named, whose name I could never remember. So I would be left alone with a dog I hated, whose name I didn't know, so I couldn't even call him and tell him I hated him. We'd be left looking up at the breakfast food stains on the curtains, remembering, saying, "What if?"

this has been a plagarized dave update

work is gonna SUCK this week

that's really all i have today

regular updates will resume soon

when i am bored again

this has been the dave update

hello

been gone all weekend, sorry

whoa

i'm pretty sure a fly just flew up my nose

i may have snorted it

probably was just a gnat

i wonder if i'm gonna get high from this

this has been the dave update

i left work really sad yesterday

so sad in fact that i turned my google status to "sad as a stone"

now THAT'S sad

i got home though and got a burrito

and then went out

and felt much better

a lot to talk about i guess but i don't feel like sayin much

annikki gets here today maybe?

i wanted to eat veggie corn dogs yesterday but safeway didn't have them

i feel better today

but unfortunately i had to find a way to feel better WITHOUT eating veggie corn dogs

oh and i bought fudge bars for everyone at work but they were all totally melted when i opened the box

hopefully they are frozen now

and hopefully rainbow has veggie corn dogs

i'm going to write about veggie corn dogs

i like them

best with barbeque sauce maybe?

or a good mustard

my high school cafeteria would sometimes have a breakfast "dish"

called "pancake on a stick"

where it was a corn dog but with a sausage in the middle

and it was delicious

i ate meat back then but didn't really like sausage

but i loved pancakes on sticks

ha ha

i want this to be the longest dave update ever

but be entirely about veggie corn dogs and the related tangents

i don't think i really have any stories about veggie corn dogs though

that aren't just

"i ate a veggie corn dog and it was delicious"

or

"i ate a veggie corn dog and it was a little undercooked"

i love fake meat in general

i had fake shrimp once, they were okay

i remember when i first turned vegetarian i bought imitation crab salad

not realizing that imitation crab is really just other seafood

it was still good though

ha ha

i love seafood, if i ever give up this whole veggie racket it'll probably be because of seafood

crab and fish and what not

but i also really love being in the water

so i'd feel like such a jerk for eating things that just get to swim all day

i feel like if i got to swim all day

someone eating me would TOTALLY ruin it

i saw a craigslist talent gig yesterday that i really wanted to do

but it would have been during work hours

they needed someone to pretend to be a cop

and try to enforce a phony eviction for their whole office

i'm not sure what this has to do with do veggie corn dogs

oh!

if i would have done it i definitely would have used a veggie corn dog as a prop

cops eat those right?

probably not

i imagine cops are more veggie hot dog fans

hmmmmm

sometimes we don't get what we want

today i'm not going to get to write the longest update ever about veggie corn dogs

because i'm completely out of things to say about them

i think this has probably not been a very good dave update