hi

this is dave

my neighbors have been fighting lately

one of my neighbors is named dora and she's either senile or demented

or suffers from dimensia

which sounds not quite as bad as demented

she sits on the porch all day and asks people to come over

she also makes these retching sounds

which she calls "burping"

but it sounds like neil hamburger

it's REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING

when i first moved in i would go over there once a week and keep her company

but then i realized she didn't really care either way

i would spend time with her and walk to the store or something

and when i came back home she would say

"come over a minute"

and i'd say "i was just over there"

and she'd say something like "i wouldn't do that to you"

so now i don't really go over there because it's pointless

maybe i should find a book i could read to her

like "tropic of cancer"

or "no exit"

ha ha

anyways

our next door neighbor has finally had enough

twice this weekend i heard her talking with dora

being kind of mean actually

calling her constant harassment of people "unchristian"

which if you know dora is a pretty low blow

it was weird to listen in

because even though i'm pretty much on my next door neighbor's side

and pretty fucking sick of hearing dora all day everyday

one she's pretty mean about it, she's pretty rude in these conversations

and two it's pointless

dora will apologize and my neighbor will walk away

but once she's alone again she's the same old dora

she should probably be put into a nursing home

though i imagine that's easier said than done

once my roommate accidentally locked her out of her house

sometimes she'll call you over and ask you to get something from her house

(which reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks of urine bee tea dubs)

and my roommate got her phone for her

and closed the door behind her on her way out

not realizing it would lock

oops

now we have her son's number on our dry erase board

JUST IN CASE

i could go on with stories about dora but she's really bugging me lately

so i'll move on i guess

last night i made soup and watched "kissing jessica stein"

which i bring up only to remind all my readers that i am in fact a sad sad man

ha ha

i was looking at the "stats" for the dave update sunday

and it was weird because i actually get a lot of "hits"

like 51 yesterday, 28 so far today

so i checked to see which posts were getting the most hits

and it's the one where i talk about gamma ray blue

so i was thinking maybe people are rediscovering matrin newell/cleaners from venus

(which, i mean, they sort of are)

but then i reread the post

and it's the one where i talk about craigslist personal ads

and it turns out people are googling "kayla's" screenname

on casual hookup or whatever that website was

and getting linked to me

talk about a boner killer

that made me laugh a bit

thinking about lonely men with their pants down

ready to jerk off to pictures of this sassy kayla girl

who is CLEARLY d2f

(that means down to fuck, i've been reading a lot of these ads lately)

and instead reading my blog

well

lonely men and lonely lesbians/bi-curious women of america

i am here for you

you can masturbate to my bummer blog any time you like

oh!

that reminds me of a story

in high school this guy kept calling me and jacking off

i would pick up the phone and just hear heavy breathing

usually i would just hang up

but after awhile i got interested in him

and would start talking to him while he was doing it

not like dirty talk

just one-sided conversations

probably not too dissimilar to the dave update

anyways

he started to actually talk back

i don't remember his name

i remember he wasn't gay though

i kept asking if he was because i was like, dude

my voice has dropped at this point

i'm definitely a man

sorry if that doesn't do it for you

but he was fine with it

though sometimes when we'd talk he'd still say stuff like

i wanna see your pussy

he wanted me to meet him at in a wash and show him my pussy

two problems with that

one i am NOT meeting ANYONE at a wash

washes are maybe an arizona thing

they're kind of like empty river beds

or like dry creeks

where the water runs during monsoon season

they're gross though

overgrown with prickly plants

full of trash and human waste

i'm not showing anyone my pussy in some trashy wash

two despite popular belief

I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA

sorry guys

sometimes i would actually talk him off

just because it was funny

i would say stuff like

"oh you can't see my pussy, i haven't shaved in so long"

"are you sure you wanna see my big hairy bush"

ha ha ha

for the record i never "got into it"

as they say

i just thought it was funny

i wonder how many hits my blog is going to get from "big hairy bush"

this has been the dave update