hello there

i know i said i would leave the last dave update up for awhile

but i felt like writing something

sooooooo

reminder

please text me your name at 510 575 HISS

so that i have your phone number

(if you'd like me to have it that is)

yesterday i heard an episode of the pod f tomcast

where he was auctioning things off for charity

and some lucky winner won a drunk dial from him

where he would remain in character

as an ex-boyfriend who was maybe trying to get back together

WOW

that PFT is one funny SOB

i had a weird dream last night

where i started hanging out at support groups for meth addicts

i've never done meth bee tea dubs

doesn't really appeal to me

i'm already pretty fuckin wound up thank you much

but i actually did know a lot of "meth users" in arizona

i put meth users in quotes up there

i feel like the people i hung out with were more "meth users" than "meth heads"

does that make sense?

i got called out for saying that too much once

this is a tangent story

because i do want to finish the one about the dream

it was just weird and put me in a bad mood this morning

BIG SURPRISE THERE

anyways

i often say "does that make sense" when i'm explaining something

because i'm unconfident in my ability to explain anything

but once someone was like "why do you always say that to me?"

"it makes me feel like you think i'm retarded or something"

that actually blindsided me a little!

because here i am thinking

"jeez i'm such a retard, nothing i say makes any sense"

and then the person who is hearing me is thinking that i talk this way because i think OTHER people are dumb

i believe that's what the kids might call a "fail"?

i'm pretty over that meme but sometimes it's just the right word

does that make sense?

(nyuk nyuk nyuk)

anyways

so i was at one of these NA-type meetings

and the leader of the meeting or whatever

what's he called?  group leader maybe?

who knows

moderator??

that's probably it!

the moderator sort of points at me and is like

"would you like to introduce yourself to the group?"

i try to get out of it but he insists that i talk

so i tell everyone that i'm embarrassed to be there

because i've never done meth

but i told them that i was really lonely

and in arizona i could always find a meth head who needed a friend

(that part is only true in the dream)

(meth heads are not generally very friendly)

(well they are actually)

(but only if you have some meth)

(or are willing to listen to a lot of bullshit)

so i decided to come here

because it was the only idea that i had

and the moderator was like

"well...that's sad"

"but"

"you can't really be here if you're not an addict in recovery"

so i left

but before i did i said

"sorry to intrude but i'm gonna wait outside"

"and if any of you all has an idea on what else i could try"

"please let me know"

and then i walked out and it was snowing outside

JUST MY LUCK RIGHT

so i tried to make snowmen but it was too watery so i just got cold

then i woke up

WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN?????

are you trying to bum me out?

BECAUSE IT'S WORKING

you dick

i have a new phone

text me your name

goodbye

this has been another dave down-date

hello all

i have a new phone

the screen broke on my old phone

please text yr name to 510 575 HISS

right now i have 4 contacts in my phone

"call balance"

"call care"

"call reboost"

"my account"

and none of them ever want to hang so please do get in touch

this has been the dave update and it'll probably be up for a little while

hello

it's dave

how are you?

i'll just sit here and wait for a response to that

i recorded a song a while ago

maybe as long as two years?

not sure

but i sent it to three different people

and explicitly asked them for their thoughts on it

on like, a particular part

because i wanted to re-record it

since the vocals were really bad

but i wasn't sure if it was too long or even worth trying to shine up

and no one responded to me

and it wasn't like, oh hey we haven't talked in like a million years

but here's this song i recorded

do you have any notes for me?

thanks!  see ya in a million years or probably never

no

it was like

people i talk to regularly

i remember one person in particular

i sent them the link over gchat

and said my piece

of "hey can you please listen to this and let me know if it's too long?"

and she straight up IGNORED me

changed the subject and didn't even acknowledge my request

i thought that was really fucked up

but the reason i bring it up is because it was fucked up

yes

but also completely expected

i don't understand why i'm such an ignorable person

i made a decision awhile ago

it's kind of a stupid one but i stand by it

any time someone asks me for something that i don't have or don't want to part with

I RESPOND TO THEM

usually with "nope"

WOW WHAT A FUCKING LIFE CHANGING IDEA

ACKNOWLEDGING THAT OTHER PEOPLE EXIST

it's my personal opinion

that those homeless people on the street

who are arguing with their shoes

and doing other strange things

aren't just ON DRUGS or PLAIN OL CRAZY or whatever

but if you keep getting ignored

if people walk by you and can't even look at you

let alone respond to your question

you begin to wonder if you are real

if you still exist

or if you've died and maybe no one has bothered to tell you

or end your life on this planet

i don't think plain ol' crazy exists

i also don't think evil exists

i'm sure this comes off as some whiny wide-eyed liberal rant

some prick with a beanie and a backpack and a "bushit" t-shirt

talking about how the MUNI fare increase is like total fascism maaaaaaaan

it's like we're in nazi fuckin germany

this is how it starts

i hope i don't come off like that

i don't think i'm blowing anyone's mind right now

what does it even matter anyways?

i'm just talking to myself

arguing with my shoes

my shoes actually could use a good talking to

STOP BEING SO SMELLY

this has been a kind of annoying dave update

hi there

weird weekend

fun though

does anyone know how to make a really solid cheese sauce?

marissa showed me once but i don't really remember how it went

i mean i get the concept of the roux or whatever

sort of

maybe not

i mean i know that something called the roux exists and it's part of how you make a good cheese sauce

but i guess i really just don't know how to do that right?

any time i make one it just doesn't come out quite right

usually it's just not very cheesy

lately i've been making the vegan version of mac and cheese

just because it's easier and cheap

just use nutritional yeast

i guess maybe there's a way where it's kind of similar

i do it with like a splash of soy milk and a lot of earth balance

i wish earth balance had a less hippy-dippy name bee tea dubs

it's like "peace cereal"

it's a delicious cereal but i always feel embarrassed buying it

it's good though!  and usually cheap

though i think maybe they had an introductory cost which lasted for awhile

it seems like it's about the same cost as the others now

still worth it though, stays really crunchy in milk and very flavorful

today's dave update is brought to you by peace cereal

if you are a maker of peace cereal please

1) call 510 575 HISS to arrange payment for this endorsement

2) change the name of your fucking cereal

moving on

weird weekend

sometimes i think i make a lot of projects for myself just so i have things i feel like i need to finish

whenever things get really dark i think to myself

"well i still want to do that 'dave describes an episode of newsradio' web-series"

"so i can't kill myself YET"

"but i gotta call customer support and try and exchange that laptop"

"ugh i hate dealing with people"

"fuck this i'm going to bed"

lately that shit all just seems like obligations though

like shit i have to do instead of shit i want to do

so what do i want to do?

...

i don't know

but this ain't it

sigh

weird weekend

fun though

this has been a typically manic dave update

hi there

all today i keep reading diplo's name as dildo

i hope that doesn't like *mean* something

i can't handle sex toy freudian slips today

happy friday the 13th

this has been the dave update

hellllllllllo

how are you

last night i ate a box of those seaweed snack things

today my mouth tastes like grass

they're on special at rainbow right now though

a box for like $1.20 or something

that's a good deal

even if you eat it all at once

think about it

a bag of chips these days costs $0.75 - $1.00

so these are like, fancy chips

DON'T JUDGE

fuckkkkkkk i need coffee

hey!

i have coffee now!

how about that world?

pretty bitchin'

remember when michael richards lost his shit in that comedy club?

well

i decided recently

who the fuck am i

(or anyone else who wasn't fucking there)

to judge?

i feel like since the internet happened

everyone in the world has had to realize the same thing

that, no, you really fucking don't have to have an opinion on everything

i remember jerry seinfeld was on the david letterman show like right after that controversy happened

and they had michael richards on the show via satelite

it was painful

i don't want to say they threw him under the bus really

but kinda

it was really sad actually

michael richards looked HORRIBLE for one

he looked like not only had he not slept

but he'd spent the entire time since the controversy

either getting yelled at by strangers

or yelling at himself in the mirror

one time i played this show with long legged woman

it was supposed to be this big noise clusterfuck i thought

so i showed up ready to trash the place

(it was at this shitty bar that decided to start having shows)

(so they'd decided to just fuck up their show there)

(because fuck them?)

(made sense at the time)

either way when we started i just started screaming and making a racket

knocking things over and pushing people around

and after awhile i looked around and realized i was the only person causing trouble

and the band was actually even playing their songs

i felt really uncomfortable

it was a pretty embarrassing public mistake

i actually still feel embarrassed about that one, like, often

i can't imagine if prior to this public mistake

i was a star on one of the biggest sitcoms of all time

i'm not like defending racism or anything

i just think

what the fuck?

a very small amount of people were there

and i really have no idea what was going on or whatever

outside of some grainy youtube footage

so who gives a shit

if i was there and thought it was inappropriate

i probably would have either said something or left

and thought about it a lot that night and maybe occassionally in the following weeks

oh!

once i was at a show and this drunk guy was being really inappropriate

and it was at a place where i knew most of the people there

and after he tried to grope some girl i went to the person i knew whose friend it was

hm

the person i knew whose friend it was????

i mean i think that's grammatically correct but jeez

what an ugly sentence

how about this

i found the groper's buddy

MUCH better!

and said to him

"dude yr friend is really drunk and he's kind of being an ass"

"maybe you should either put him to bed or get him to leave?"

he actually did not respond very well

to what i thought was a pretty reasonable request

he actually tried to fight me about it

which i thought was just weird

in his defense he apologized later for it

i mean i don't think you are responsible for your friends per say

but if i went to a party with a friend and didn't know most of the people there

and i got way too drunk and started making an ass out of myself

or started groping girls, jeez

i would really want my friend to get me out of there

or like, slap me around or something

ok

this is getting really long!

this all is stemming from the big tosh-troversy i think

that no one will remember next week

i just read some of the outrage from it

and all i can think is

"if i got that upset every time a not very funny comedian made a kind of hacky rape joke"

"i don't think i would ever be able to do anything other than be upset"

i mean it's bullshit that "rape" has become the new "what's the deal with...."

as far as comedy cliches go

but we're a country who hates women

what do you expect?

sigh

i feel like this ending is ruining this dave update

because who the fuck cares about some idiot making dumb jokes?

and yet i've written like a ridiculously long post about it

ok

here's a holocaust joke to lighten the mood

my grandfather actually died in auschwitz

he fell off a tower

(i stole that one from the county teasers guy)

oh!

one last thing

i had like two or three really good teachers in my life

one of them was NO JOKE

named mr rogers

he made a really interesting point once that has stuck with me

he pointed out how most jokes are about sex or death

and posited that the reason

(posited?????)

(i'll allow it)

is that sex and death are the two things that people are afraid of most

i'm not sure if i agree entirely

but i'd never before thought about the empowerment you feel when you can laugh about what you fear

which i think is a legitimate thing

i hope somewhere right now

michael richards is getting coffee

and someone walking by just called him a fucking racist

and he just laughs a little and then goes on his way

this has been an especially long dave update (that maybe missed the mark a little?)

hello there

those who keep up with the dave update will maybe remember

that lately i've been remembering my dreams more

i was thinking this was a good sign

but lately

this weekend in particular

my dreams have been...

well

hm

"mean" is the only word that comes to mind

lately i've been dreaming in this surprisingly real situations

complete with anxiety and emotions that i feel like would mirror my actual reactions

does that make sense?

who knows

i don't know why i bother asking questions to you people

i can't even bribe a comment out of you

(which frankly i think is a little fucked up)

(yeah i said it)

in any case

this weekend i had a dream which woke me up

but not in a like

"you're falling and you better wake up before you hit the ground"

way

actually i'm not really sure why it woke me up

my therapist has been trying to instill the possibility that

eventually someday

i will meet someone that will be similar to me

and will want to be my friend

(oh shut up)

(don't judge me)

i don't really think it's likely

because i don't go out any more

and when i do i get literally sick with anxiety

also i don't like dudes, like, in general

which means any time i go out

i am likely to dislike anywhere between 50-70% of the people i see

that's a pretty deep cut

to the pool of available friends

and she thinks that out of the 30-50% of people remaining

someday one of them will look at the jittery unsocial person standing or sitting alone

(possibly holding his stomach)

and think

"yes, that's someone i should talk to"

"they look like someone worth spending time with"

it doesn't seem right to me

but this weekend i had a dream that was vividly real

where i met someone

(who actually looked really similar to my ex-wife)

(yeah that's right)

(don't judge me)

and we had a really great talk

we bonded on anxiety actually

talked about how horrible it felt to be out in this place

(i don't even remember where we were)

(some place "out")

(like with people around)

and then after awhile she told me that she was happy she met me

and i said the same

and i woke up with pain in my stomach

and i couldn't get back to sleep for awhile

because my body was twitching

in the same way it would twitch when i was on anti-depressants

like sudden shocks

mostly in the legs//thigh

i don't want to live any more if this is all i'm going to be doing

i can't handle it

there is a part of me that will never be able to be calm or satisfied or

what the fuck ever

i feel like an ass complaining about it

it's probably a part of everyone

but guess what?

i'm not a person who can handle it

ok

this is the third dave update i've tried to write today

i deleted the last two because they just sounded too fucking needy

this one does too but clearly it's something i have to get off my chest

so whatever

don't fucking judge me you shit

i'll crack your arm in two, boy

this has been the dave update

hi there

how goes it

i've been reading the archives of the dave update lately

and i've decided that this is the best blog on the internet

even better than okcenemies

which is really funny

but sometimes horrible

(and not really a blog either)

no one is better than me

like, usually

i mean

let's be honest

sometimes this blog sucks

but i mean

"view random post"

COME ON

this shit is gold

sigh

i thought bragging about how great i am would lead me somewhere

and i would write another amazing blog entry

but i don't know if i'm gonna get there today

this has been a bad week

i did get a computer today though

hellooooooooooooo 21st century

i bet the future is gonna smell awful

not that the past was that fragrant

hm

should i start titling the dave updates?

titling?

looks like tilting

once a store wrote me and told me he was only interested in our "cream titles"

it really grossed me out so i never wrote him back

hahahahahaha

that's a completely true story

see how great this blog is?

i was thinking i should start titling them

hm

titleing?

nope

titling looks really weird though

hm

naming?

nope

...

sigh

titling

ANYWAYS

i was thinking "not that the past was that fragrant" was a funny phrase

and would make a good title for this blog entry

and then i thought "dave d'estroyer, salesperson" would be funny

but that's just because of that story about "cream titles"

is that story even funny?

sigh

this blog fucking sucks

this has been the dave update

hi there

bonus dave update

comment on this post and i'll give you a dollar

we'll arrange something

ok

this has been a bonus dave update

hi there

lately gchat doesn't work at my work

it's the worst thing that could possibly happen to me

ha ha

that's actually not a joke really

the only time i ever talk to anyone is on gchat at work

that's how MY life's going lately

how are you?

tell me what great bullshit YOU'RE up to

this weekend i got new shoes and a haircut

calm down everyone

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

today feels like it's gonna be a long one

this is a shorter dave update than expected