Monday, July 9, 2012
hello there
those who keep up with the dave update will maybe remember
that lately i've been remembering my dreams more
i was thinking this was a good sign
but lately
this weekend in particular
my dreams have been...
well
hm
"mean" is the only word that comes to mind
lately i've been dreaming in this surprisingly real situations
complete with anxiety and emotions that i feel like would mirror my actual reactions
does that make sense?
who knows
i don't know why i bother asking questions to you people
i can't even bribe a comment out of you
(which frankly i think is a little fucked up)
(yeah i said it)
in any case
this weekend i had a dream which woke me up
but not in a like
"you're falling and you better wake up before you hit the ground"
way
actually i'm not really sure why it woke me up
my therapist has been trying to instill the possibility that
eventually someday
i will meet someone that will be similar to me
and will want to be my friend
(oh shut up)
(don't judge me)
i don't really think it's likely
because i don't go out any more
and when i do i get literally sick with anxiety
also i don't like dudes, like, in general
which means any time i go out
i am likely to dislike anywhere between 50-70% of the people i see
that's a pretty deep cut
to the pool of available friends
and she thinks that out of the 30-50% of people remaining
someday one of them will look at the jittery unsocial person standing or sitting alone
(possibly holding his stomach)
and think
"yes, that's someone i should talk to"
"they look like someone worth spending time with"
it doesn't seem right to me
but this weekend i had a dream that was vividly real
where i met someone
(who actually looked really similar to my ex-wife)
(yeah that's right)
(don't judge me)
and we had a really great talk
we bonded on anxiety actually
talked about how horrible it felt to be out in this place
(i don't even remember where we were)
(some place "out")
(like with people around)
and then after awhile she told me that she was happy she met me
and i said the same
and i woke up with pain in my stomach
and i couldn't get back to sleep for awhile
because my body was twitching
in the same way it would twitch when i was on anti-depressants
like sudden shocks
mostly in the legs//thigh
i don't want to live any more if this is all i'm going to be doing
i can't handle it
there is a part of me that will never be able to be calm or satisfied or
what the fuck ever
i feel like an ass complaining about it
it's probably a part of everyone
but guess what?
i'm not a person who can handle it
ok
this is the third dave update i've tried to write today
i deleted the last two because they just sounded too fucking needy
this one does too but clearly it's something i have to get off my chest
so whatever
don't fucking judge me you shit
i'll crack your arm in two, boy
this has been the dave update
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