hellllllllllo

how are you

last night i ate a box of those seaweed snack things

today my mouth tastes like grass

they're on special at rainbow right now though

a box for like $1.20 or something

that's a good deal

even if you eat it all at once

think about it

a bag of chips these days costs $0.75 - $1.00

so these are like, fancy chips

DON'T JUDGE

fuckkkkkkk i need coffee

hey!

i have coffee now!

how about that world?

pretty bitchin'

remember when michael richards lost his shit in that comedy club?

well

i decided recently

who the fuck am i

(or anyone else who wasn't fucking there)

to judge?

i feel like since the internet happened

everyone in the world has had to realize the same thing

that, no, you really fucking don't have to have an opinion on everything

i remember jerry seinfeld was on the david letterman show like right after that controversy happened

and they had michael richards on the show via satelite

it was painful

i don't want to say they threw him under the bus really

but kinda

it was really sad actually

michael richards looked HORRIBLE for one

he looked like not only had he not slept

but he'd spent the entire time since the controversy

either getting yelled at by strangers

or yelling at himself in the mirror

one time i played this show with long legged woman

it was supposed to be this big noise clusterfuck i thought

so i showed up ready to trash the place

(it was at this shitty bar that decided to start having shows)

(so they'd decided to just fuck up their show there)

(because fuck them?)

(made sense at the time)

either way when we started i just started screaming and making a racket

knocking things over and pushing people around

and after awhile i looked around and realized i was the only person causing trouble

and the band was actually even playing their songs

i felt really uncomfortable

it was a pretty embarrassing public mistake

i actually still feel embarrassed about that one, like, often

i can't imagine if prior to this public mistake

i was a star on one of the biggest sitcoms of all time

i'm not like defending racism or anything

i just think

what the fuck?

a very small amount of people were there

and i really have no idea what was going on or whatever

outside of some grainy youtube footage

so who gives a shit

if i was there and thought it was inappropriate

i probably would have either said something or left

and thought about it a lot that night and maybe occassionally in the following weeks

oh!

once i was at a show and this drunk guy was being really inappropriate

and it was at a place where i knew most of the people there

and after he tried to grope some girl i went to the person i knew whose friend it was

hm

the person i knew whose friend it was????

i mean i think that's grammatically correct but jeez

what an ugly sentence

how about this

i found the groper's buddy

MUCH better!

and said to him

"dude yr friend is really drunk and he's kind of being an ass"

"maybe you should either put him to bed or get him to leave?"

he actually did not respond very well

to what i thought was a pretty reasonable request

he actually tried to fight me about it

which i thought was just weird

in his defense he apologized later for it

i mean i don't think you are responsible for your friends per say

but if i went to a party with a friend and didn't know most of the people there

and i got way too drunk and started making an ass out of myself

or started groping girls, jeez

i would really want my friend to get me out of there

or like, slap me around or something

ok

this is getting really long!

this all is stemming from the big tosh-troversy i think

that no one will remember next week

i just read some of the outrage from it

and all i can think is

"if i got that upset every time a not very funny comedian made a kind of hacky rape joke"

"i don't think i would ever be able to do anything other than be upset"

i mean it's bullshit that "rape" has become the new "what's the deal with...."

as far as comedy cliches go

but we're a country who hates women

what do you expect?

sigh

i feel like this ending is ruining this dave update

because who the fuck cares about some idiot making dumb jokes?

and yet i've written like a ridiculously long post about it

ok

here's a holocaust joke to lighten the mood

my grandfather actually died in auschwitz

he fell off a tower

(i stole that one from the county teasers guy)

oh!

one last thing

i had like two or three really good teachers in my life

one of them was NO JOKE

named mr rogers

he made a really interesting point once that has stuck with me

he pointed out how most jokes are about sex or death

and posited that the reason

(posited?????)

(i'll allow it)

is that sex and death are the two things that people are afraid of most

i'm not sure if i agree entirely

but i'd never before thought about the empowerment you feel when you can laugh about what you fear

which i think is a legitimate thing

i hope somewhere right now

michael richards is getting coffee

and someone walking by just called him a fucking racist

and he just laughs a little and then goes on his way

this has been an especially long dave update (that maybe missed the mark a little?)