hi there

today's update is a transcript

my brother is coming to town tonight

and planning on stopping by the bar i work at

for those who don't know

i now work at a bar

(which is part of why i don't write many of these nowadays)

(not getting paid to sit in front of a computer)

(means that i can no longer pretend i'm getting paid for this)

my bar is a kind of ridiculous bar

i work friday and saturday nights

i believe the most appropriate term

for the bar's "demographic"

would be "bridge and tunnel crowd"

or maybe "new money" although i don't think many of these people are that rich?

whatever

below is a transcript of our text conversation

in preparation of his visit:

ok actually i'm trying to type this out but it's not as entertaining without typing the whole thing

but long (bad) story short

my brother is bring a lot of his friends to my bar tonight and they're going to get really drunk

i hope i get back on unemployment again after i get fired

this has been a failed dave transcript

hi there

what's up

i'm watching five easy pieces

it's boring as shit

i'm hungry

WOW what an update

this has been the dave update

hi everyone

been awhile

i'm reading a list of 7 bad financial choices in "breaking bad"

number 1 -

diagnosed with cancer, walt begins cooking meth.

he would have been better off investing in a variable annuity.

(i made up one for number 2)

(but then i read number 2)

(it's even better)

number 2 -

marie steals a baby tiara as a present for skyler's new child.

it would have been smarter to put it on layaway.

number 3 -

the whites buy a car wash to launder their money.

they should have invested it for better long-term gains.

(WHAT THE FUCK)

(i'm not making this up)

Instead of bombing, shooting, strangling or poisoning associates, how should a person end an acrimonious financial relationship?

"You should have a frank discussion about the facts," says Abe. "The two parties, without lawyers, coming to a business decision: 'I will buy you out, or you will buy me out, and I will transfer these assets.' And then you bring in a lawyer."

THAT'LL MAKE FOR GOOD TV

hey how are y'all?

me?

oh i'm fine.

this has been the dave update

hi!

i am bored out of my mind!

i am at a film shoot

at my work

for BORING BUSINESS VIDEOS

these people are SO LAME

FUCK THE CLOUD

THE CLOUD IS STUPID AND SO ARE YOUR LAME JOKES

virtual bouncer?

that's not funny

"hey do you know of any apps where i could download cocktails?"

"wouldn't that be cool?"

i can't believe i'm dignifying these people with a dave update

this dave update is now about tacos

because any broke ass motherfucker slinging tacos for a living

is more important than any of these rich piles of shit

wearing suits and talking about how their money can make your money make more money

ALL Y'ALL BITCHES CAN EAT A DICK

i just yelled that at them

(in my head)

someone just said

"hey this is a funny story"

"the other story r kelly was at the office!"

and people LAUGHED

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

this has been the dave update

hi there

hello everyone

thanks all for coming

had a weird night

weird day

WEIRD LIFE AMIRITE

sighhhhh

when i was younger i used to love the idea of a city

(for the record)

(i deleted "always" from that sentence)

(it said "used to always love")

(now it does not)

(THERE'S A LESSON THERE PEOPLE)

(SAY WHAT YOU MEAN)

((sorry for yelling))

ok

let's start again

i got distracted
 
when i was younger i loved sky scrapers and big buildings

mostly because of the windows

i loved watching the lights in the windows pop on and off

once in a blue moon

i would get a chance go downtown at night

(very very rarely)

(because my leash was on pretty tight)

and i would find a place to sit and watch the lights pop on and off

this was downtown tucson of course

so it was not as picaresque as you may be imagining

(that was a pretty tough sentence to type)

ah shit

i'm getting distracted by the details and memories

and the usual batch of ways that my head contorts a train of thought

THE GOD DAMN POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE

was i became enamored with the concept of a big active city

with so many interesting things going on

and i'm watching saturday night live right now

because i like louis ck and he's hosting and i'm curious to see it

and fuck alls y'alls i don't need a reason

i don't owe you shit

did i tell y'all about that friend of mine?

who was going to have business cards made

with his name on them and underneath it:

"i don't owe you shit"

anyways

i remember being young and loving both

the kids in the hall...

interstitials?

is that what they are called?

hm

i'll allow it

the kids in the hall interstitials

as well as the snl credits

because they both offered these glimpses into

the stories behind

the dozens and dozens of flickering lights

that i used to stare blankly at

and make up stories of my own

(occassionally while mumbling)

(but usually if it was out loud that was a bad sign)

(like, that meant i was in a realllllllllllll bad mood)

((i was a bit of a sad kid))

((IF YOU CAN IMAGINE))

((ha ha))

i'm watching the credits now

and they are showing these SUPER GENERIC shots

of SUPER corny nonsense

and the lack of character to them is really

uh

loud i guess is the word i will go with

yeah

loud

(i went back and rewatched them)

(it's my brain's way of saying)

("judges?")

("...")

("correct!")

(a very small alec trebek lives inside my brain apparently)

(ANYWAYS)

anyways

loud

tonite i was getting deep with a friend

(who for some reason i feel like should remain anonymous?)

(we were just having a personal conversation)

(i don't know if it was said in confidence)

(if for whatever reason you need to know who she is)

(510 575 HISS)

(i'll talk to her)

(and if she's cool with it)

(i'll let you know)

she told me about how

she feels like it's more the distances between people

that are interesting

WAIT

already i'm off course

that's a really inaccurate way of phrasing it

hm

for one she said "divides"

well

ok new idea

if you want to know about her idea

get in touch

and i'll forward you to her

i just don't want to phrase it improperly

and i feel like i already am

SO

hm

ok

i'm going to phrase it as best i can

and she can just deal with it i guess

she talked about viewing people from a great distance


and seeing them as a tiny blob of *same*

like a light out of focus

(that "light out of focus" line is mine)

(boo-yahhhhhh)

but you magnify it and you see the broad divides between them

and exploring those divides is more of interest to her

and i'd been thinking about it til now

because despite my poor phrasing of her viewpoint

it still felt like something i understood and agreed with

UGH THIS DAVE UPDATE HAS SUCH A STICK UP ITS ASS

so stiff, jeez

i can't think straight thru all this weird apologizing

OK

i don't fucking care if it's poor phrasing, FUCK

god fucking damn it

i'm completely losing my original thread now

FUCK IT

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE LOOKS DIFFERENT NOW

I DON'T KNOW WHO ANY OF THESE ACTORS ARE

EXCEPT FOR THE DUDE FROM ALL THAT

hahahahaha

     All I wanted to say is that I used to feel like cities were places where you could explore the settings behind those fascinating and genuinely human stories that each of those blinking sky-scraper lights hinted at (and those television shows somewhat subconsciously referenced in me).  Now, after having lived in a big city for long enough to be able to notice it fall from something I really only partially witnessed as somewhat resembling the vibrant and unpredictable place that long-time residents claimed it used to be (meaning, in simpler terms, the party was already over when I arrived), it seems appropriate that the bland new opening credits for Saturday Night Live parallel that same decline.  Eventually I'd hoped to tie that same parallel into my disappointment with the way that so many of my peers seem very content to align with certain cultural patterns (often with surprising alacrity) such as slang, musical trends, even mannerisms.  This alignment has the effect of almost mechanically sealing those divides between people - turning us into a great big ball of same - but my inability to commit to and thus complete the thought derailed the entire exchange.

there

if i'm gonna go on and on like this

i might as well format it like i went to college

thanks arizona state

scottsdale high

money well-spent

(and still technically being paid off)

i'm prof. d'estroyer

thank you for attending boring 101

this has been some garbage i do to pretend i'm not a piece of shit

that paragraph took like half-an-hour to write

hi everyone

this is probably going to be a kind of moody dave update

but DON'T WORRY

it probably won't be that much of a downer

i am going on tour soon

my first real tour wow how adorable

i am working on some stuff before leaving

and in the process of literally waiting for paint to dry

i started counting all the things i've done as hiss & hum

and found i needed to write them down

so i said to myself

*hey why not do a dave update 'bout it*

then i said

*nah that sounds like an annoying dave update*

so i said

*well just give it a kinda funny disclaimer*

and here we are

hopefully the asterisks sold it

(they usually do!)

 anyways

in the past uhhhhhh like 8 years of hiss & hum

(and the like 3 years prior as a variety of different names)

(my favorite one being)

("women of country music")

i have released

4 full-length cassettes...

(3 audio and 1 VHS cassette)

...which i consider to be "proper" albums

("proper" meaning centered around a theme maybe?)

(that's vague but i'm not exactly sure what i mean by it either)

((the formatting for those 3 lines above the prior 2))

((took SOOOOO LONGGGG to put together))

very soon to be 3 split cassettes

(though jacy actually put one of them out)

and i believe 37 individual shut-in tapes

(no idea on the AV count there)

i've also recorded

(and completed)

a number of releases for other labels that were never released

which i'm going to list below

because this is the whole reason i'm doing this dave update

this is the list i needed to write out because i can't remember them all

1

the D.I.M. ep

originally intended as an audio-only vhs release for celine dion

later turned into a audio visual collaboration with nightmare city

then even later turned into a audio visual collaboration

between hiss & hum and nightmare city

now i don't care if it comes out

even though it has one of my favorite songs on it

"ironade"

it's on the internet if you are interested

ihateyourartschool.bandcamp.com/album/d-i-m-e-p

hahahahaha

boy i bet that's gonna rack up my traffic on bandcamp

i should have called that ep casualmeetup.com

2

leaves like lice ep

this was supposed to be released by two thousand tapes

but i don't really think george had any interest

i think he said he would do it

because i was starting to have shows at my house

and he wanted to be able to book stuff there

and once i had to stop having house shows

he figured he didn't need to return e-mails

3 & 4

jeweler's loupe &

...

holy shit

i don't remember the name of the other one!

shit shit shit

i remember it had something to do with future malls

because every time i listened to it i thought of stop-motion hovering robots

going shopping and hating their lives

they had the posture of like

dead bodies being jet-pack propelled

where their shoulders are being lifted above their necks

i can't remember it, jeez

these were both for a remix project that jacy was gonna do

he really wanted to do remixes

that were fit to certain lengths

so i made these two...

i guess compositions?

layered improv stuff

this was when the crappy digital 8-track that i have

didn't have my headphone adapter broken off

in the headphone jack

so i would mic this practice amp at low volumes

and record all night in my tenderloin apartment

i recorded a 20 minute long one

(that's the one i can't remember the name of)

and jacy said "oh wait i meant i had c-20s"

"not 20 minutes per side"

"10 per side"

so i recorded jeweler's loupe

which was 10 minutes

and jacy said "oh i don't think i have those tapes any more"

5

untitled c-90(!)

this was when i was still women of country music

and a guy in arizona had just started a tape label

called workout tapes i think

he asked me to do something for it

i think probably not expecting that i would actually record something

i spent the next month making stuff in my bedroom in berkeley

wanting to finish the tape before i had to move out of my sublet

i didn't even have a 4-track or anything

i was just plugging my guitar into my stereo's mic input

(the stereo itself being a karaoke machine)

(that i STILL HAVE)

(AND USE)

had that thing since like 8th grade

that's what $10 used to buy ya

you kids don't know

anyways

i sent him the tape in the mail

and he never ever brought it up

never answered my calls

so long john ryan

TECHNICALLY THOUGH

this tape did sort of see a release

i put it out when i played my first show as hiss & hum

which was in the bay area

BUT it was only half of the tape

because i didn't have any c-90s

so i just used whatever tapes i had around

and let it cut off wherever it cut off

i think i made 12 of them

i wonder if i should listen to it?

i made KA listen to recordings of a band i was in before any of this stuff

because i was curious to hear it myself

and it was AWFUL

jeeeeeeeeeeeeez

so bad

too bad too because i know that band was good

but just such a character-less recording

sounded over-clean and underwhelming ha ha

"over-clean and underwhelming" sounds like a great book

SO

this is the point where the disclaimer kicks in i think?

ha ha

as though ANYONE is still reading this ridiculously long dave update

so i started thinking shit like

JEEEEZ what am i doing wrong

i've put out literally more releases

than actual dollars made

on said releases

i'm not even talking profit here

i've made under $20 on hiss & hum "product"

the total views for my entire youtube channel

(even counting the clipd beaks video)

(seven lies videos)

(rxccxxns video)

(and my only recorded stand-up performance)

(and all the dave updates that no one watches)

((i'm pretty sure i'm the only one that thinks that idea is funny))

((which is fine because to me it is really really funny))

when combined with my total plays on bandcamp

is SIGNIFICANTLY less

than the number of views that the casualmeetup.com dave update

(which got like 4000 views)

(and counting)

i mean

hiss & hum is at a point

where people who i haven't seen in awhile

will say "hey still playing music?"

and i'll say "yup"

and they'll say "wow that's cool that you're still going for it"

as though i am a teenager who still wants to be a super-hero

please note that i did not say "a person who i haven't seen in awhile"

i said "people"

(more than 6 but less than a dozen)

(rob, henri, sarah, warren, different sarah, eric, alex, more)

for whatever reason during typing all this

i thought about a story i heard about the typewriter

and why the typewriter

(and of course today's computer keyboards)

(even smart phones and what not)

has the qwerty style arrangement of keys

it was advertised as a researched way of making it faster to type

but it was NOT

the early typewriter models

(at least according to this article)

were arranged in the same 3 rows

but in alphabetical order

and people would type so quickly with it

that the primitive machinery would quickly jam up

now however many years later

people still have to take typing classes

to get the hang of this whole qwerty thing

but no one really minds

so while i might be a total fuck-up who everyone hates

i like what i do

and y'all bitches are just gonna have to get used to it

and with that i drop the microphone

this has maybe been the longest dave update ever

hey y'all

what's a-shakin

can't remember why i came onto the dave update tonite

but hope y'all are "well"

whole lotta y'all in this update

good or bad?

history will tell

i'm not webcasting this dave update

i still think the video thing is very funny

but it's kind of a pain to do

i mean

not really

but

bahhhhhhhhhhhhh what the fuck ever

this story isn't even worth the time

dave update:  now only sometimes with video

since 20-shut-up

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

oh man why didn't i do video for THIS one

20-shut-up just made me laugh SO HARD

ok

this dave update is a mile a minute

i am going to stop for a moment

and remember that quick thought is no thought

that sounds deep as hell even though i just thought of it

and that is ironic because those two sentences completely contradict themselves

but it still makes me laugh

...

jeez this is a strange dave update already

ok dave

take a moment

...

dear readers

it's been so long since i've talked to you i feel

time moves slowly lately, but i think probably in a good way?

i feel like i don't get as much done in a day

but that seems fine

either way things that happened three days ago

seem like they are from another lifetime ago

that sounds like an overstatement but weirdly it's not

WOW WHAT A PLOT TWIST

but yeah, another lifetime ago

i am sure many of you dear readers

were thoroughly different people when you were younger

for me i like to think of it as

*segregated levels*

(i put that in between asterisks)

(because i felt like if i said it out loud i would say it in my idiot voice)

(frequent readers of the dave update are familiar with the concept of the idiot voice)

(but only frequent talkers with dave are actually familiar with the idiot voice itself)

((long sentences for this update))

((sorry?))

((NOT SORRY))

...

dear readers

sorry to get off track

it's loud in here

all i mean to say

is that i think of the difference

between who i was when i was young

and who i am now

as different lifetimes

and lately

three days feels like a different lifetime

i have so much real life stuff to update you with!

but not today

and probably not for awhile anyways

now that i don't have an office job i can't really claim to be getting paid to write these

(that's another dave update *deep cut*)

((FUCK YOU I HAVE LIKE 400 OF THESE))

((I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE DEEP CUTS))

ok i'm going to end it with this

last night i saw the worst dancer i have ever seen in my life

it was like watching a tv show

about people who have just done a lot of cocaine

for the very first time

and now they have to figure out how best to embarrass themselves

this show sounds great!

and honestly this dancing was so bad it was absolutely fascinating

like a national geographic special

about white people

which you know is gonna be worth checking out

because white people gotta do something really weird

for it to actually be note-worthy

(i told that joke earlier and it KILLED)

(but maybe the context was different)

(doesn't seem so funny now)

here's another one

it was like someone was hosting an infomercial

about their new twist on popping and locking

that improves on the chief problem of popping and locking

which is of course:

"not annoying enough"

also

this infomercial takes place in a garage

and there are no cameras

and i think the entire family that lives in the house attached to this garage?

i'm pretty sure that they all sneak in here and masturbate

at least that's what it smells like

OK I THINK WE'VE GONE TOO FAR

this has certainly been an unusual dave update!

all over the place, i tell ya

hey y'all

death to infidels

this has been the dave update

hey

to make up for that last HORRIBLE dave update

don't bother going back, it's terrible

anyways

i wanted you all to know a

*dave update*

seeeeeeecrettttttttttttt

hold on i kind of have to look this up


ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh my internet sucksssssssssssssssss

ok

FINALLY JEEZ

so there have beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen

327 dave updates

BUT

2 of them are "drafts"

one of those "drafts" is this one that is currently in progress

BUT WHAT OF THE OTHER DRAFT?

(i'm sure you all said?)

well

the other draft i've considered deleting several times

because obviously it will never be finished

but every time i start to delete it i think

"nah that's too funny"

i think part of that humor is that it's a draft and will never be published

so maybe i am about to ruin that slight bit of humor

but fuck it

below is the copy//pasted text

of the LOST DRAFT OF THE DAVE UPDATE......

"hiiiiiiiiiii

you guiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

why can't i stop eatinggggggggggggg

"

still pretty funny to me!

this has been a dave update b-side

hi everyone

it's me dave

AND BOY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

not in the normal jeez life sucks way

i haven't been this legit sick in YEARS

(legit sick = not hungover)

(though i can't think of any time i've ever had a 3 day hangover)

(well)

(at least not as like, a metaphor)

(like)

(i feel like any one of you could say)

("dave isn't your life one big hangover?")

(...)

(to which i apparently would have no reply)

i'm too sick for this parenthesis shit

whoa that's a pretty dope rap line though

i'm too-i'm too-i'm too-i'mmmmmmmm

i'm too sick for this parenthesis shit

this was a bad idea

this is an ill-advised dave update

ahhhhhh

i didn't even realize i was rocking an up-do in it

i've had my hair up because it's long and gets all in my face when i cough

hm

looks like a

what-do-you-call-it?

gibson girl?

WHATEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

i hate this dave update

this has been the worst dave update, no exaggeration here

hi y'all

it's me dave

i just mimed typing

"hi y'all"

"it's me dave"

because i started typing before i started recording

then i thought

"wait a second"

"i can't rip these people off"

siiiighhhhhhhhhhh

i'm watching dr katz right now

fuck

i should stop it for a minute

so that i can HEAR MYSELF THINK

i wonder if i am going to

haha

that's a funny thought

i am thinking about whether or not i am going to stop the tv

as though i am curious about the weather

maybe i should check and see if my knee is stolen

WHOOPS

you know what the music means

ok i'm just going to let this episode finish because

"our time is up"

this episode was the one where ben gets an earring

(sort of)

ok

now that that's over

i am wondering whether or not i am actually going to write an update or not

i have things to update you with

but I MEAN WHATEVER

one quick thing

does my right eye look weird?

been feeling weird lately

PROBABLY A BRAIN TUMOR

i have been thinking a lot

about how much of an influence dr katz is

on who i am today

which is i think maybe a symptom of a mental illness?

it totally looks weird!

hmmmmm

i think it just looks weird because i'm looking at myself on a fucking webcam

whose idea was this anyways?  jeez it's stupid

i gotta go look at myself in the mirror

if i have pink eye

I'M KILLING MYSELF

anyways

i think i stole all of my jokes from ben katz

OOPS

ok fuck this

this has been the dave update and go to hell

hi everyone

i had to write

well

LET ME COLLECT MY THOUGHTS

for just a moment

ok

this is less a dave update

than an open letter to the ford company

and a question i honestly want answered

ok

dear ford company

(or whatever)

your new hybrid automobile is called the c-max

can you think of any more obvious words//terms

that could be used as both car names//nicknames for the clitoris?

because i dave d'estroyer honestly can't

well

lemme try

(it should probably start with a c, right?)

(i mean cuz c = clit and apparently c's are good luck for cars)

(or something about toyota)

(or was it honda?)


(OH GOD DAMN IT I'M GETTING DISTRACTED)



(anyways)

(c)

the best i can do right now is c-turbo

but c-turbo doesn't include the x at the end

which has obvious pornographic precidence

presidence?

ew i don't think so

precedence!

yeah!

maybe

ANYWAYS MR FORD

i'd like to know if you can come up with anything better

also i'd like to know if this was intentional

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why am i awake

this has been the dave update

hi everyone

this is another dave update on video

still think it's funny, not sure why

TIME WILL TELL

today's update is actually a series of thoughts

(in order)

that i had today

1

"what is up with these drivers today????"

2

"is this a one-way street or something?"

3

"oh"

4

"this is a one-way street"

and finally 5

"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"

this has been a dave update

HI THERE

oops

caps lock

today i am doing a dave update on video

i thought it would be a funny idea to record myself

typing

...

so far it is a little distracting

i think maybe it's funny?

OH WHO FUCKING CARES

GO EAT SHIT

i think that the video is probably without sound

because i don't get this computer stuff

but maybe it's better that you can't actually hear me

laughing at my own thoughts

alone in my room

listening to not one but two different fans running

it's like a white noise machine

but one that is meant to annoy you

i need to get out more

and by out i don't mean

"out on the internet"

even though i actually dressed up a little

not like DRESSED UP

but i definitely looked at myself before i started recording

i'm gonna look at myself again

wait here

i think the storm clouds are a good choice

i don't really know why i think filming this is funny

but i'm pretty sure it is

although i am worried that if i get in the habit of it

i will start to forget that it is on

i already almost picked my nose

did you notice????

i'll do it again

see how i went to pick it

but then pretended i was just scratching an itch?

dave d'estroyer ladies and gentlemen

master at the art of

uh

slyly picking his nose?

wait

no

because i didn't actually pick it

oh fuck this

hahahaha

i tried to put 2 fingers up one nostril

DFSN

i don't know how these fetish webcammers do it

now my nose hurts a little

ok

apparently we have company

so i'ma wrap dis up

(dis = this)

uh

fuck a sick dick

(i got that one from laura dern)

(so good!)

this has been the dave update

EDIT - it didn't work!

so here's my question

now that there is no video

is it funnier or less funny?

post a comment and let me know

this is YOUR dave update you know

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY IT'S BEEN SO QUIET LATELY

this has been yet another dave guilt trip

hey you

what's shakin

i don't know if i've ever gone on a twitter rant here or not

BUT HERE GOES NOTHING

my favorite twitter account had only 1 tweet

and that tweet was "eatin macaroni"

today i discovered that i have a second favorite twitter account

and it is len cella's twitter account

twitter.com/Godcella

if you don't know who len cella is

then you should check out "moron movies" on youtube

he is something of a personal hero

or he would be

if i knew him at all

and gave enough of a shit about life to have "heroes"

you know what

unless len cella or anyone else saves you from a burning building

then you should probably not refer to anyone as

YOUR HERO


anyways

he has only 7 tweets but they are all worth your time

his most recent one was from 2009

and actually i just noticed that all of his tweets are from mar 9th 2009

and his twitter handle is GODCELLA

oh len

you are so funny.

(that's not sarcasm)

(sometimes it's hard to tell on the internet)

(but despite the fact that pointing out that something i said isn't sarcasm)

(just makes it sound more sarcastic)

(TRUST ME LEN)

(i think you are so funny.)

ok what else

FUCK A SICK DICK

this has been a really great dave update!

i give it a b

plus!

later