hi there

hello everyone

thanks all for coming

had a weird night

weird day

WEIRD LIFE AMIRITE

sighhhhh

when i was younger i used to love the idea of a city

(for the record)

(i deleted "always" from that sentence)

(it said "used to always love")

(now it does not)

(THERE'S A LESSON THERE PEOPLE)

(SAY WHAT YOU MEAN)

((sorry for yelling))

ok

let's start again

i got distracted
 
when i was younger i loved sky scrapers and big buildings

mostly because of the windows

i loved watching the lights in the windows pop on and off

once in a blue moon

i would get a chance go downtown at night

(very very rarely)

(because my leash was on pretty tight)

and i would find a place to sit and watch the lights pop on and off

this was downtown tucson of course

so it was not as picaresque as you may be imagining

(that was a pretty tough sentence to type)

ah shit

i'm getting distracted by the details and memories

and the usual batch of ways that my head contorts a train of thought

THE GOD DAMN POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE

was i became enamored with the concept of a big active city

with so many interesting things going on

and i'm watching saturday night live right now

because i like louis ck and he's hosting and i'm curious to see it

and fuck alls y'alls i don't need a reason

i don't owe you shit

did i tell y'all about that friend of mine?

who was going to have business cards made

with his name on them and underneath it:

"i don't owe you shit"

anyways

i remember being young and loving both

the kids in the hall...

interstitials?

is that what they are called?

hm

i'll allow it

the kids in the hall interstitials

as well as the snl credits

because they both offered these glimpses into

the stories behind

the dozens and dozens of flickering lights

that i used to stare blankly at

and make up stories of my own

(occassionally while mumbling)

(but usually if it was out loud that was a bad sign)

(like, that meant i was in a realllllllllllll bad mood)

((i was a bit of a sad kid))

((IF YOU CAN IMAGINE))

((ha ha))

i'm watching the credits now

and they are showing these SUPER GENERIC shots

of SUPER corny nonsense

and the lack of character to them is really

uh

loud i guess is the word i will go with

yeah

loud

(i went back and rewatched them)

(it's my brain's way of saying)

("judges?")

("...")

("correct!")

(a very small alec trebek lives inside my brain apparently)

(ANYWAYS)

anyways

loud

tonite i was getting deep with a friend

(who for some reason i feel like should remain anonymous?)

(we were just having a personal conversation)

(i don't know if it was said in confidence)

(if for whatever reason you need to know who she is)

(510 575 HISS)

(i'll talk to her)

(and if she's cool with it)

(i'll let you know)

she told me about how

she feels like it's more the distances between people

that are interesting

WAIT

already i'm off course

that's a really inaccurate way of phrasing it

hm

for one she said "divides"

well

ok new idea

if you want to know about her idea

get in touch

and i'll forward you to her

i just don't want to phrase it improperly

and i feel like i already am

SO

hm

ok

i'm going to phrase it as best i can

and she can just deal with it i guess

she talked about viewing people from a great distance


and seeing them as a tiny blob of *same*

like a light out of focus

(that "light out of focus" line is mine)

(boo-yahhhhhh)

but you magnify it and you see the broad divides between them

and exploring those divides is more of interest to her

and i'd been thinking about it til now

because despite my poor phrasing of her viewpoint

it still felt like something i understood and agreed with

UGH THIS DAVE UPDATE HAS SUCH A STICK UP ITS ASS

so stiff, jeez

i can't think straight thru all this weird apologizing

OK

i don't fucking care if it's poor phrasing, FUCK

god fucking damn it

i'm completely losing my original thread now

FUCK IT

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE LOOKS DIFFERENT NOW

I DON'T KNOW WHO ANY OF THESE ACTORS ARE

EXCEPT FOR THE DUDE FROM ALL THAT

hahahahaha

     All I wanted to say is that I used to feel like cities were places where you could explore the settings behind those fascinating and genuinely human stories that each of those blinking sky-scraper lights hinted at (and those television shows somewhat subconsciously referenced in me).  Now, after having lived in a big city for long enough to be able to notice it fall from something I really only partially witnessed as somewhat resembling the vibrant and unpredictable place that long-time residents claimed it used to be (meaning, in simpler terms, the party was already over when I arrived), it seems appropriate that the bland new opening credits for Saturday Night Live parallel that same decline.  Eventually I'd hoped to tie that same parallel into my disappointment with the way that so many of my peers seem very content to align with certain cultural patterns (often with surprising alacrity) such as slang, musical trends, even mannerisms.  This alignment has the effect of almost mechanically sealing those divides between people - turning us into a great big ball of same - but my inability to commit to and thus complete the thought derailed the entire exchange.

there

if i'm gonna go on and on like this

i might as well format it like i went to college

thanks arizona state

scottsdale high

money well-spent

(and still technically being paid off)

i'm prof. d'estroyer

thank you for attending boring 101

this has been some garbage i do to pretend i'm not a piece of shit

that paragraph took like half-an-hour to write