hi there

quick dave update because the other one was not good i don't think

i have another joke for you all

all my young davers

nobody likes this joke but me

oh!

i have two jokes for you actually

both based on true stories

i'm gonna tell the one nobody likes first

i actually got a bad fortune in a fortune cookie once

it read:

"your judgement is a little off at this time"

i couldn't believe it but then i thought

"well, i mean, i did eat that cookie"

"maybe it's right"

nobody ever laughs at that

now this one

i saw my psychiatrist the other day

he had me on a new antidepressant

and was asking about side effects, etc

finally he asked if there had been any sexual side effects

i thought about it for a minute

and replied

"you know, it hasn't come up"

(i may have already told you that one before, sorry)

this has been a bonus dave update

hi there

it's me

feel pretty out of it right now

also jesus

when was the last time i showered?

i'm disgusting

i'm the WORST

ha ha

this song description is almost a haiku

"a small gong hit with a deer horn stick,

played by nine people while walking in a circle"

that's pretty close

"a small gong hit with

a deer horn stick played by nine

people while walking"

deep shit right?

bah

you people don't "get it"

NOBODY "GETS IT"

i'm gonna set my hair on fire you FUCKS

this has been a weird dave update

hi there

i started an okcupid account again

but this time it's just a joke

i'm trying to come up with more funny things to post in the profile

i don't know if any of you remember that don knotts joke

which was and still is HILARIOUS

now i'm just trying to branch off from there

for example:

You should message me if

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we have a meeting now

okcupid.com/okcreepers

trust me the picture is worth it

this has been the dave update

hi there

i thought about calling in sick today

i mean i DO feel bad

maybe i should just go home now

maybe i should stop by lost weekend before i get home

get some movies

i was going to go to chinatown to watch fireworks last night

but i stayed home instead

watched newsradio and played with my camera

i should have gone but it was nice to do nothing

i nearly ate an entire box of triscuits

cracked pepper and olive oil

UGHHHHHHHHHH

i want to vomit right now

why am i here?

because nothing changes

COME ON 2012

DO SOMETHING ALREADY

FOR FUCKS SAKE

january is nearly over and the world hasn't ended yet

this is BULLSHIT

this has been a subpar dave update

EDIT: i AM going home today

because i just spent like half an hour in the bathroom

it was like my stomach was digging things out of its junk drawer and just throwing them out my butt

"why do we need 7 pairs of pliers? these gotta go"

you're welcome for that image

this has been the dave addendum

hi there

weird weekend

i have a lot i could talk about today

like how apparently i have never really known how to spell the name phyllis

(i really don't think that's right above)

oh i also did the first ever handwritten dave update yesterday

because i wanted to write some idea i had

(while stoned)

(of course)

but i don't think i remember the idea now

i was in a short film this weekend

which was an interesting experience

i think all the stories i have from it will make it sound miserable

but it was more fun than it might sound

UGH my head hurts

anyways

i remember one story in particular

near the end of the shoot

where i was asking the writer for some direction on a scene

(NO I DID NOT ASK WHAT MY MOTIVATION WAS)

(maybe i should have, just to have said it)

(OR MAYBE NOT)

and the whole weekend we were making jokes about how similar i am to my character

and for the scene he said something like

"ok you are following your brother outside"

"and you're thinking about your life and how shitty it is"

"and you're watching your brother who has this strange but genuine connection with someone"

"and all you have is a shit-hole apartment, you don't have anything"

"no one loves you"

and this was also around the time when i was realizing that everyone else on set

was exchanging numbers and e-mails and making plans to do stuff

with, you know, each other

(not me, obviously)

i NAILED that fucking scene

this has been the dave update

hello

i really should have stayed home today

i feel horrible

i feel like my head is a lump of purple mush

that is somehow in between a vice grip

i feel especially stupid today

and gross

and i'm cold

and life is stupid

and fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck

blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

let's have another dave update contest

first person to fuck off wins a kick in the chest

hahahahahahha

ok that's not the contest but that made me laugh

first person to text me today gets 5 good records

text me what kind of records you'd like to get for free

and i'll go through my collection and pull 5 for you

don't request anything too specific

because you won't get it

just text me something like

"it's raining today and i need something to listen to"

that's a good one, i've got plenty of rainy day music

anyways

510 575 HISS

if no one enters i'm gonna chop off a finger

fucking TRY ME

this has been a very moody dave udpate

hi there

i guess i don't really have anything to say today

this week is kind of shitty

and that's all!

easy enough!

this dave update has written itself

hello

so

i'm a little upset right now

because i had this HILARIOUS joke

that no one else seems to think is funny

i had a russian customer place an order

and his name showed up as:

–ú–∏—Ö–∞–∏–ª –¢—É–º–∞–Ω–æ–≤

which is funny enough on its own

but then IIIIIII said

"i feel like i need a bike horn to pronounce that name"

and NO ONE LAUGHED

what the fuck?

that's hilarious

you people are idiots

fuck all y'all

i'm out

this has been the funniest dave update ever and if you don't get it then FUCK OFF

hello

late dave update today

filemaker was down

feeling weird today

weird vibes at work

plus i might be getting sick

hot chocolate will probably help

i think i maybe offended some friends last night by accident

waste rig was playing a house party in oakland

and when we played i accidentally knocked loose some paper thing from the chandelier

and then someone tried to put it on me while we were playing a song i think?

and i grabbed at it to try to put it on but then i remembered

"oh shit i'm playing a song right now"

so i wound up just kind of dropping it but that pulled it off the ceiling

and then people wouldn't talk to me afterwards

oh well

wasn't really a great show anyways

i mean a couple other bands were good

stillsuit in particular

but it was weird vibes

i think my love affair with oakland is coming to a close

nice place to bike though

this has been the dave update

hi there

last night i broke a toothpick in between my back two teeth

on the left side

bottom chompers

it sucked

i kept reaching into my mouth to try and pull it out

but i couldn't fit enough of my hand in there to get a good grip

plus it was making my gums bleed and i was drooling and what not

SO GROSS

everyone else was asleep too so i couldn't get help at all

i was looking for needlenose plyers for awhile

(why can't you ever find needlenose plyers when you need them??!?!)

(phillips head screwdrivers too)

(i think i have like 2 dozen phillips head screwdrivers but i can't ever find any of them)

finally i just pushed it through with a different toothpick

but i was pretty worried that i'd just break another one off in there

but it's cool

everything's fine

my gums hurt a bit today but outside of that

life is fine

i mean i guess

...

this has been the dave update

hello

one time some friends of mine made a bet with each other

one person was saying how hard he thought it would be to pee his pants

(now that he's older and potty-trained)

and the other thought it wouldn't be hard at all

so the first friend bet the second friend $100 he couldn't do it

right at that moment

in front of all of us

(i had some rich friends growing up)

(i mean i'd pee my pants right now for $100)

(and i just went like not that long ago)

they made the bet and sure enough

it's not that hard to piss yrself

especially when there's a benji on the line

this has been a brief but important dave update

hi there

nice day today

this is the first monday in awhile i've woken up and felt AWAKE

but it's weird because i just talked about coffee with my co-workers

and now i feel pretty tired

also i don't think i have any bagels

what's a morning without a bagel?

a sad morning indeed

sorry to be such a DOWNER

but i mean no bagels?

what is this?

communist russia?

wait

was russia communist or socialist?

who cares

either way it's bullshit that i don't have free bagels

do they owe us a bagel?

OF COURSE THEY FUCKING DO

andy is posting something about the dream i had last night on her facebook

i just realized that i'm enough of a nerd that there is a record store i frequent

that only exists in my dreams

and it's not like, the greatest record store in the world

not like a "dream record store"

even though yes

technically

it is a "dream record store"

but it's still a nice one

it's in arizona

(sometimes i still live in arizona in my dreams)

but it's really far from my place and it's hard to find

but it's nice, you'll find some interesting imaginary records there

(if you take the time to look that is)

last night i had a dream that i was there and i had 4 or 5 records

but i didn't have enough money for any of them

and i was bummed because i don't often make it out to that store

even in my dreams

like

i have actually had dreams where i've thought

"maybe i should go to that record store today"

followed by

"nah, it's too far away"

anyways

the only record i remember in my pile was a version of black flag's "damaged"

the artwork was different though, it was like a rat fink version of the guy in the broken mirror

and it came with a bonus 7"

i don't remember what songs were on it but the artwork was done with puffy paint

it was $20 but i only had $15 and i knew i'd overdraft my account but i still thought maybe it was worth it

mostly because i don't know when i'll be back there

i think i woke up before i made my decision

hopefully tonight i'll be back there and i'll have more money

i hope i put those records on hold

sigh

i want a bagel

this has been the dave update

hi there

PLLONNNNNGGGGGGGG

that's the sound that a bass makes

if you slip and fall while performing in ed sullivan theatre

there's probably a wide variety of reactions to falling on your ass on national tv

but i think the dude from guided by voices nailed it

he takes a moment to look around

and confirm

"yes, it's true, i've just fallen on my ass"

and then he gets up

with a grin a MILE WIDE

and keeps a-playing that bass

i bet afterwards they had so much fun laughing about that moment

i've watched that clip seriously an embarrassing number of times

and i think people think that i'm probably just a jerk or something

laughing at the pain of others

but that's totally not it

i just think it's hilarious

you couldn't choreograph a better prat-fall

ok

moving on

when did vice turn into a "serious" magazine?

we have a bunch of back-issues in our bathroom now

i haven't read vice since my friend was in the do's/don'ts

(she was a do by the way)

(which is a weird way to describe a friend)

("hi this is my friend dawn, she's a 'do'")

(oh!)

(but if you went on the website the commentors seem to think she's a 'don't')

(which honestly was part of why i don't read vice)

(not in a like "you can't have fun if it means hurting people's feelings" way)

(in a "fuck this nonsense, i can't believe people are going to argue with something as stupid as do vs don't" way)

(anyways)

the one i grabbed had interviews with raymond pettibon, cosey fanni tutti, and marina abromovich

(yes i'm aware i probably spelled each of those names wrong)

(fuck you)

and the interviews weren't really particularly enlightening but they were still interesting

the one with marina in particular

marina?

not maria, that's for sure

i'm gonna stick with marina cuz i don't feel like looking it up

ANYWAYS

i remember hearing about the performance she did

where she set like 70 items on a table

and let people do whatever they wanted to do to her with those items

you probably know what i'm talking about

i was young when i heard of it and i didn't even bother remembering her name because i figured i'd never hear it again

art and all things cultural were always presented to me as something of a waste of time when i was younger

and even though i was deeply inspired by them it always seemed like

the fact that i was really into music and movies

was more like something different about me maybe?

i dunno, that sounds like i'm trying to paint myself as an outsider or something

but my parents were pretty insistent that the arts were pointless

and my friends were just into different stuff than i was

so when i heard about this amazing woman who'd done such a strange but brave and just so interesting performance

i remember thinking "wow, another transmission from this imaginary world where people actually do interesting stuff instead of just getting drunk or stoned and doing nothing"

not that i'm against doing nothing

and certainly not against getting stoned/drunk

WHATEVER

this story is getting crazy long and i don't remember the point of it

PLONNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG

this has been the dave update