hello

so

i told allison that i was going to tell this certain story

but i'm not sure how good it is

so i'm going to talk about that punk kid's tattoo instead

i think his name was nick, haven't thought about him in awhile

he was in a band with a friend of mine

and he had a mohawk that wasn't often spiked up, just lay flat

like smelly yarn poking out of his head

his little brother was a punker too

they were both that kind of leather studded jacket/gbh patch/automatic middle finger type of punk

i don't remember how old nick was but his little brother was REALLY young

like 14 or something

and would come to our parties and "puke'n'rally" as they say

(that means he would throw up but keep drinking)

(in case you're not hip to idiotic college boozehound lingo)

man uli has been playing some jams here at work lately

anyways, sorry

nick was a really cool guy

like most punks of that ilk, he hated you at first

but once you got past that he was rad to hang out with

and this one time i was walking with wasef somewhere i think?

and nick called him and said he was getting a tattoo somewhere close to where we were

so we went to the parlor

and the first thing i remember was him having a really pained look on his face

i mean i'd seen this guy break bottles on himself so i was like, whoa, this must be an intense tattoo

it was on his right arm i think? near the shoulder but on the outside

like where a sailor might get an anchor or a heart that says "mom"

but the tattoo itself was a really crappy drawing

of a punk kid and a nun

the nun was stabbing the punk kid through the head with a spiked cross

it was all black but there was blood splattered everywhere in the drawing

and above it

in "punk text"

you know, like x's over the eyes

looked like something carved into a desk

it said "RELIGION IS TOTAL BULLSHIT"

he said he'd gone to 3 different parlors already who'd refused to do it

but the guy tattooing him kept laughing about it

he was hispanic, kind of an ess-ay

ese?

essay?

hm

tough hombre.

but he kept saying "it's your body hombre, do what ya gotta do"

he was cool too

the finished tattoo looked so shitty

it was like, well done or whatever

but the drawing itself was SO BAD

and right now, even if nick is dead

that tattoo is still on his upper right arm

maybe he cleaned up and works at a grocery store now

and maybe when people ask him what his tattoo says

he mumbles something under his breath

and they say "what'd you say?"

and he says "RELIGION IS TOTAL BULLSHIT"

"cash or credit?"

this has been the dave update

hey

sorry to keep bugging you but i felt my update today was kinda weak

and then i remembered a couple stories that i haven't thought of in awhile

so i'm either going to tell a story about my old punk friend's tattoo

or the story about when i almost lost my nipple

(left one)

that makes it sound like i misplaced it

like "detachable nipple"

i'll tell that story

i was like 11 maybe?

my friend loren got a dirt bike

his parents were pretty strange

but i bet i would love them now

his mom was kind of a hippie

but not really in the peace and love, tie-dye sense

looking back now she just seemed like a liberal, kind of eccentric woman who was "settling down"

she told me a story that i always remember about her friend who was able to control her body temperature

just by using mantras and visualization techniques

like if she was cold she'd think of fire and repeat "hot hot hot" to herself

and it would raise her body temperature

i started trying it after she told the story and it totally worked

i mean i didn't use a thermometer or anything

thermometer?

yeah i think that's right

anyways i just felt more warm

i still do it now but you really really have to focus before you feel anything

i don't do it with cold often because i like in the bay, duh

not too hot here

anyways

oh

his dad was like an old biker dude

scared the shit out of me as a kid

he was huge and a total bear

didn't talk much

i remember once i slept over and had cereal

and went to pour the leftover milk in the sink

and he saw me and said "you know dave"

"we've got a little saying here that goes"

"WASTE NOT WANT NOT"

he told me that and i straight up chugged the leftover milk

because i thought he might eat me if i didn't

i'm assuming it was loren's dad that got him the dirt bike

i rode on the back of it for awhile and then he was like "wanna drive?"

obviously the answer was "helllllllllll yeahhhhh"

so i got on it

and the first time i was wearing shorts

and i burned my leg on the muffler

it was weird because the burn looked exactly like the generic sign for campgrounds

the flame and the X beneath it?

hard to explain but you get it

so he loaned me some jeans and i got on it a second time

and just sped off straight ahead

but i was used to riding bicycles

where you can turn the handlebars way more, you know?

i got to a turn and i just twisted the handlebars

(i guess they're probably not called handlebars on a dirt bike)

but the wheel locked and i flipped over the front

the edge of the handlebars (god, that word again) cut my chest open

from a couple inches above my bellybutton

and curved RIGHT below my left nipple

totally would have ripped it off if it was a little higher

i mean not ripped it off, a nipple's not like a pepperoni on a pizza or something

no matter how it looks

but totally would have cut through it

it didn't hurt too bad but that was the end of my dirt bike days

i really wish it had hit the nipple

how many people do you know who are missing a nipple?

i could have been one of 'em

this has been the bonus dave update

hello

yesterday as i was going to sleep

i started to hear music

like really simple synth tones

a sawtooth wave ha ha (not really)

they were pretty but sort of bland melodically

but a really strange rhythm pattern

like a lost drummer

which maybe sounds bad but was really good

then other tones started coming in

and it was like that lost drummer had a search party of drummers looking for him

which admittedly, on paper, still doesn't really sound that good

but remember, these are pretty synth tones

and not dreadlocked dudes with djembes

you're welcome for that alliteration by the way

there was just a weird vibrant web of pretty and simple melodies

it made me dizzy

i think the moral of this story is to not smoke hash before bed

or at least don't smoke a lot of hash RIGHT before bed

forgot there was hash in that pipe

after a night of light drinking nonetheless

i went to 355 to see my friend dj last night but he'd already finished

so i had a couple beers and thought about how much i HATE that stupid bar

i guess it's not that i hate it, it's fine

i just don't like the crowd and i don't like the fancy & hip vibe

i like bars where you can smoke inside

instead of bars with fancy mirrors above the urinals

bleh

this dave update sucks so far

what else can i talk about

that won't make me sound like a crabby old man

maybe bagels? i don't know

bagels are good, i'm gonna go get one even though i just got here

this has been an underwhelming dave update

last night was fun

i went to a bus show and saw caldera lakes & opera mort & heavy petting

they were all good

caldera lakes and opera mort stayed at my place

we had gross frozen pizzas and bread and garlic jack cheese for some reason

garlic jack cheese what the fuck

it was fun

um

i've been having really really deeeeeeeep sleeeeeeep lately

i wonder why

it's cool but i've been waking up from this really deeeeeep sleeeep before my alarm

and i panic a little because i wake up feeling like i had a great sleep

and my alarm hasn't gone off

so i think oh shit i probably slept through it

that happened today, i woke up at like 7:30

my alarm clock always has the wrong time on it too

so when i wake up to it i have to check somewhere else to see what time it actually is

and then THEORETICALLY

by the time i find my phone or whatever

i'm already awake and can start my day

i don't think that has EVER worked

this morning is no exception

i woke up at 7:30, panicked a little

panicked?

paniced?

i think i have to look this up

it looks too strange with a k

like a nu metal band or something

hm

i was right

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/panic?show=2&t=1301418218

panicked

anyways

i woke up at 7:30, PANICKED a little

found my phone and the time

and then just went back to sleep

i think maybe i need a less comfortable mattress

maybe i should just trade my mattress for a couch

but i LOVE sleeping on couches

and i LOVE my mattress

...

hm

this is a problem that will not solve itself today

i feel like this is long enough but i want to keep typing

what else is going on

oh

no one entered the contest from yesterday

which makes me want to post my number all over the internet

510 575 HISS 510 575 HISS 510 575 HISS 510 575 HISS

EXTENSION# FUCKU

ha hahahaha

entries are still being accepted but must be postmarked no later than JUDGEMENT DAY

which i think is may 21st

or so i'm told

oh yeah HAHAHAHAHA bondhu there was no earthquake last week

SUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

i guess that's good enough

this has been the dave update

hi there

this was a really weird weekend

saturday was awful

and then sunday i was recording which was great

but also exhausting

i woke up today and my first thought was "wow my body is on fire"

it wasn't, thank god

but my arms/legs are hurtin

not really sore, but just drained

the whole upstairs of our house reeks of weed and it's getting annoying

my brother used to use empty vitamin bottles and stab holes in the bottom of them

and then stuff a dryer sheet in the bottle

and if you smoked weed with him you'd have to exhale the smoke though the filter

i don't really know how effective it was but i remember thinking i probably would never actually do all the research necessary to be a pothead

it always weirds me out when weedheads know SO MUCH about ONE THING

usually that one thing is weed but sometimes it's carpentry

or like electronics

or baking maybe? i don't know.

skateboarding

did you know i used to rollerblade? ha ha

it was because i broke the kingpin on my skateboard and couldn't fix it

and my friends would rollerblade as well so they just gave me an extra pair

it was fun i guess

my claim to fame was that i cleared a 16-stair staircase

on U of Az campus

it was scary but fun

there was this 21 stair staircase i wanted to try but i never did

oh those glory days

always appearing further on the horizon

also when i skateboarded/rollerbladed i ate at this one mexican food place 9 times in a day

i tried everything on their menu because i still ate meat back then

i probably couldn't do that now either

i can still lift heavy things though

so if any of you readers need a box moved

I'M YR MAN

510 575 HISS

yeah that's right i'm really into posting my phone number on the internet these days

oh!

this is the dave update's first contest!

if you can find a link to anywhere else on the internet where i've posted my phone number

i will give you a dollar or oral sex

but i get to pick which prize you get ha ha

just kidding

i'll make something for you

so get googling i guess

i wonder if it's easy to find

i guess i'll find out

this has been the dave update

ugh

yeah you heard me

ugh

why don't you tell me something about yourself for a change

this relationship is all give and no get

at least on my end

for you it must be pretty fucking sweet

i guess

ugh again

this isn't even funny

this has been the dave update

hello

my left index finger smells funny

not like, bad, but weird

i think maybe it's not mine

this has been the dave update

so tired today, already, yikes

meant to pull records yesterday for djing but instead i just cleaned up real nice

i lovvvvvvvvve taking bathssssssssss

yesterday i had this thought

about how i have a bunch of stuff that i've started but never finished

and probably will never finish or at least never "release"

like the book of 79 79 word stories i've been working on for like 79 years

it always bums me out when i don't finish those things

but last night i realized that even when an idea doesn't get finished, it's still part of a greater...ummmmm

can't find the word but maybe path? dunno

it made me feel less bad about not accomplishing things i guess

i just felt like, "it's cool dude, you didn't get it done but the idea is still strong and something you can work on later"

"in like a different settting, or for a different project"

"let's go get food"

"ok"

today is crossiant friday at soccer cafe, i hope they still have gouda

delicious

god i haven't done yoga in awhile

we should go this weekend

ok

see you there

this has been a very deeeeeeep dave update

hey dave

don't forget that you have half a sandwich in the work fridge

it's gonna be delicious tomorrow

if anyone else reads this help me remember

i'm gonna eat the hell out of that thing

ok see ya tomorrow

hey

here it is

the thrilling conclusion to yesterday's cliff-hanger ha ha

i remembered it just slightly after i posted the last one

and it's honestly pretty anti-climactic

anti-climactic? does that look right?

whatever

"no one" responded to my craigslist ad

the one that was titled "barista"

and just said "did we have a moment?"

i thought for sure i'd at least get someone making fun of it

but no, the craigslist community is not as exciting as i keep hoping

today when i got to work i saw that half the warehouse is out sick

and when i walked upstairs to my desk the lights started flickering

like there would be a power outage

and it made me wonder if maybe bad omens cancel each other out?

let's hope so

i keep forgetting to eat dinner, i'm never hungry any more

yesterday was a good day

today my hands are cold

i love this ring

three people have talked to me about the dave update

which is weird, i figured no one would read this

allison told me she liked it and all i could think was, "cool, um......why?"

and i'm writing that here because when i told that to andy over gchat she said "hahahahaha"

TWICE

so it's gotta be funny

i'm pretty sure "hahahaha" once means pity laugh

"bwahahahaha" means real laugh

and "hahahahah" twice means either real laugh or andy forgot that she already pity laughed

hm

tonight i should probably take a bath

this has been the dave update

hey

got deep with my brother last night

(not like thaaaaaaaaaat ew)

talked about life and shit

weren't even stoned

which was disappointing to be honest ha ah

i believe there is no order to the world

he believes in an order and a supreme being or spirit(s) that runs thangs

then he went to bed early and i went and got beer and stayed up mixing

today i have seven lies practice

tomorrow is thursday

no one

whoops

i had to answer the phone while i was typing that

and now i'm looking back and i wrote "no one" but i have no idea what thought i was starting

hm

i believe this is the dave update's first "cliff-hanger"

hard to beat curtis mayfield on a shitty morning

we love you miss black america

today is apparently national goof off day

and i must be growing up because nothing has caught fire near my desk

lately i've just been throwing lit toothpicks into my candle at home

because the wick is submerged in the melted wax

DROWNED WICK

sounds like a shitty metal band

but i first started throwing them in there and nothing would really happen

but now all the old toothpicks work as kindling

(i guess)

(i don't really know what that word means)

the fire actually gets kinda big

so if my house ever burns down you know why

i probably shouldn't post that on the internet

i wrote a missed connection today

because i am a sad sad man

ha ha

it's called "barista" and just says "did we have a moment?"

we'll see what happens, fingers crossed

ha ha i didn't actually write that but i think i will now

i wonder what neighborhood i'll have the best luck in

that's probably enough right?

this has been another dave update, thanks for tuning in

hello

i forgot yesterday, my bad

my room is so gross

i'm going to do something about this

TONIGHT

i will probably do laundry

tonight i will intend to do laundry

and maybe cook...

i bought groceries on friday but was in a hurry and didn't get to cook them

i have a new ring, kim gave it to me

it's really cute, clear ring with 3 little flowers in it

really pretty colors, blue pink and yellow

um

i recorded something yesterday but i don't know what i can use it for

i'm always so tired lately, bleh

ok

thanks for tuning into the dave report

oops i mean the dave update

i keep getting it confused

and the dave report is like some military dude's blog

weird

ok

thanks for tuning into the dave update

hi there

this is the dave update

i fell asleep in my clothes last night

i got home last night and tried to decide between eating or shaving my beard

i chose shaving

there's supposed to be an earthquake today

and i have a headache

maybe it's radiation poisoning

ok that's all for today

this has been the dave update

hi, welcome to another dave update

last night was so horrible

oh and apparently we're having an earthquake this weekend, bleh

i had dreams about people interrogating me about the dave update

like really viciously

WHO IS THIS PERSON YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT IN THIS PARAGRAPH?

IS IT ME?

that kinda stuff

it's raining and windy and i feel gross

i'm never smoking cigarettes again, i hate them

ugh i don't even want to talk today

i hope this stupid earthquake tears my house down when i'm in the basement trying to clear up the flood waters

if i live through this it will be bullshit

oh i still have fake buffalo wings at work, cool

thanks for tuning into the dave update

hey dude

sorry to bug ya, i know i already did this today

but i just thought of this and needed to tell you

to remember

*understanding* poison culture!!!!

not *beware* or *avoid*, *understanding*

much better

ok

talk to you later

welcome to today's dave update.

i think i ate too many orange things yesterday

i got really gassy

i had 2 oranges and a lot of carrots, fake buffalo wings, and a sparkling clementine soda

when i still lived in arizona i used to drink a lot of orange juice every time i got sick

but then someone told me you can overdose on citrus

and immediately after he told me that i started getting stomach issues every time i drank orange juice

i watched newsradio last night and decided that "the public domain" isn't my favorite episode any more

i mean i still really it but it doesn't pack the same punch it used to

the jumper episode was a lot more funny this time

still not a big jon lovitz fan though

jacy and i listening to a 16 bitch pile up lp last night, i really liked it, i think the time was just right to hear 16bpu

i have a bootleg of them and i was at the show on the bootleg

after the show shannon and i had a head-butting fight, it was so dumb

we were gonna see who would stop first but we did it once and stopped right away, ha ha

it fucking hurt

i mean we were both drunk i think, i was at least

but it was still really painful

my room is so disgusting right now i can't do anything in it

i need to start getting rid of shit

hm

i need to put bandaids on my ankles

these new shoes are nice but they are super stiff

LIKE MY BONER

ha ha

sorry

i think it's funny that i can't remember the last time i masturbated or the last time i got a blow job

i really can't, no idea

i mean it's been a really long time since i've gotten a bj, like way more than a year i'm sure

i'm confident i have masturbated this year though maybe not this month

i don't know what this music is but it's terrible

oh today on bart i saw 2 really weird people

one of them was just a homeless guy but he had a really nice walker

looked new

i can't remember who the other guy was now

oh!

nevermind i remember

it was gettng off bart

he was sitting on the floor at the stairs

and this girl walked by him and he hollered out "yes! beautiful!"

"i love what you are doing!"

it maybe looks gross on paper but it was actually pretty charming

he sold it well i guess

ok i have a ton of work to do

thanks for tuning into the dave update

i found a new show on hulu called "archer"
  
it has h jon benjamin on it
  
who was on home movies/dr katz
  
and is crazy funny
11:54 AM 
he was also the can of vegetables in wet hot american summer
  
who can suck his own dick
  
anyhoo
  
jessica walter is on it too
  
the mom from arrested development
  
it's animated
  
they work for a spy agency or something
  
it's pretty funny
  
hm
11:55 AM 
i know there's more to the dave update than this
  
i want to try and cover "warm moving bodies" by the units
  
also "minuet" by befour three o'clock
11:56 AM 
but i might get over that one soon
11:58 AM 
lately i've been thinking about moving to spain
  
because spain is a country that respects the lisp
  
and god damnit i was born with one and i'm sick of hiding it
  
ha ha
  
do you think i have a lisp?
  
people say no but i definitely do
11:59 AM 
too much of my tongue was attached to the bottom of my mouth
  
when i was young
  
i had several operations on it
  
that's actually why i don't like the beach boys
12:00 PM 
what else can i tell you about....
12:03 PM 
new shannon and the clams has some weird cover art
12:04 PM 
i don't think i like it
  
the cover
  
haven't heard it yet
12:05 PM 
now this south african band is ripping off "knights in white satin"
  
i don't like this at all!
12:06 PM 
oh last night i liveblogged listening to a seven lies rehearsal
  
which i thought was funny
  
i guess that does it for today's dave update