hey

sorry to keep bugging you but i felt my update today was kinda weak

and then i remembered a couple stories that i haven't thought of in awhile

so i'm either going to tell a story about my old punk friend's tattoo

or the story about when i almost lost my nipple

(left one)

that makes it sound like i misplaced it

like "detachable nipple"

i'll tell that story

i was like 11 maybe?

my friend loren got a dirt bike

his parents were pretty strange

but i bet i would love them now

his mom was kind of a hippie

but not really in the peace and love, tie-dye sense

looking back now she just seemed like a liberal, kind of eccentric woman who was "settling down"

she told me a story that i always remember about her friend who was able to control her body temperature

just by using mantras and visualization techniques

like if she was cold she'd think of fire and repeat "hot hot hot" to herself

and it would raise her body temperature

i started trying it after she told the story and it totally worked

i mean i didn't use a thermometer or anything

thermometer?

yeah i think that's right

anyways i just felt more warm

i still do it now but you really really have to focus before you feel anything

i don't do it with cold often because i like in the bay, duh

not too hot here

anyways

oh

his dad was like an old biker dude

scared the shit out of me as a kid

he was huge and a total bear

didn't talk much

i remember once i slept over and had cereal

and went to pour the leftover milk in the sink

and he saw me and said "you know dave"

"we've got a little saying here that goes"

"WASTE NOT WANT NOT"

he told me that and i straight up chugged the leftover milk

because i thought he might eat me if i didn't

i'm assuming it was loren's dad that got him the dirt bike

i rode on the back of it for awhile and then he was like "wanna drive?"

obviously the answer was "helllllllllll yeahhhhh"

so i got on it

and the first time i was wearing shorts

and i burned my leg on the muffler

it was weird because the burn looked exactly like the generic sign for campgrounds

the flame and the X beneath it?

hard to explain but you get it

so he loaned me some jeans and i got on it a second time

and just sped off straight ahead

but i was used to riding bicycles

where you can turn the handlebars way more, you know?

i got to a turn and i just twisted the handlebars

(i guess they're probably not called handlebars on a dirt bike)

but the wheel locked and i flipped over the front

the edge of the handlebars (god, that word again) cut my chest open

from a couple inches above my bellybutton

and curved RIGHT below my left nipple

totally would have ripped it off if it was a little higher

i mean not ripped it off, a nipple's not like a pepperoni on a pizza or something

no matter how it looks

but totally would have cut through it

it didn't hurt too bad but that was the end of my dirt bike days

i really wish it had hit the nipple

how many people do you know who are missing a nipple?

i could have been one of 'em

this has been the bonus dave update