hey y'all

this dave update is a public service announcement

a PSA

a public service A

a P service A

WHATEVER

goldfish aren't as good as you remember

they're gross

they taste like fucking sandpaper

don't buy them

it doesn't matter if you're stoned on drunk or whatever

they taste like shit

don't get them

how have you been?

hm

well

i don't care about you either

this has been a cranky dave update

hi everyone

below is a list of recent google searches

not in order

although most recently is

TACO TRUCK TACO TRUCK TACO TRUCK

adchoices removal

cat sinus infection

judge my name it am bad

eames chair

yo can i move to nova scotia or what

bonding with your cat

art bell area 51 youtube

i'm into museums blowjobs theater

lady dynamite release date

(have y'all been watching lady dynamite?)

(i love it)

newsradio i'm bill mcneal i like boys

OH I LOVE THAT EPISODE

so great

ima cut this short

said the rabbi to the parents

HEY YO

finally a joke on the dave update

that jewish people can relate to

this has been the dave update

consistently the best blog on the internet

updating daily since nineteen-ninety-

go fuck yrself while you sleep in dog piss

love ya!

hey y'all

have y'all listened to the delfonics?

i mean REALLY listened to the delfonics?

.

.

.

*think it over*

.

.

.

daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn

below is a list of jokes i've written

or

bits maybe

i dunno

these are jokes that i tell my girlfriend

and maybe she just laughs cuz she nice

#1

this joke is about pumpkin spice lattes

but is based on a story about pumpkin bread

i went to my local cafe recently

but after ordering

realized that i had no cash

"it's cool, we take cards"

they swipe my card thru the ipad

and swivel it for me to sign

i do

i add a tip

(because i'm not a monster)

and the ipad says

"would you like us to text you your receipt?"

and then it lists my number

(which is 510 575 HISS)

(uuh DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

((but actually it listed ***-***-4477))

((like it was my social security number))

((which is also 510 575 HISS))

((FYI))

and i thought that was fucked up

i don't need people to know

that someone with my phone number

is ordering pumpkin spice lattes

i don't need to start getting texts

saying "you may be interested in velour sweatpants"

"that also say juicy on the behind"

i don't need amazon to start sending me updates

that people like me

are also interested

in ugg boots

bad boyfriends

and regrettable ski trips

(that one feels like a crowd-pleaser)

#2

i feel like

after i left the internet

(this refers to an earlier joke about me leaving the internet)

i started to not really understand advertisements at all

i saw one the other day

an ad on bart

(really)

that said

"is your CRM"

"a plus or a minus?"

and then it had a logo

that was clearly spelled wrong

that's what i hate about san francisco nowadays

it's like companies are daring you to figure out how to pay them

i wanna put an ad on the bus that says

"don't let your twosome"

"make you bluesome"

and then a graphic

of 17 parrots

but not 17

one

photoshopped 17 times

standing on a train track

"don't let your twosome"

"make you bluesome"

and then a logo

that is definitely a vagina

but also mayybe says

clp.net

maybe

.

i am also considering .org

#3

what did the zebra say to the elephant?

.

please leave me and my family alone.

(i have more)

(but i can't remember them right now)

this has been an increasingly rare dave update