OH SHIT

i had a dream last night!

i was in the desert sort of but there was water

and i saw a wolf and we stared at each other for a long time

during this staring contest i somehow realized that i needed that wolf's help to survive

i tried to communicate that to him through my eyes but he got weirded out and started to walk away

so i bolted after him and he ran but i tackled him and got him in like a rodeo hold

like maybe i was about to hogtie him or something

he was biting at my hand but i just kept telling him to calm down

but like in a dog voic

e

not like "rhalm dohwn" like scooby doo or something

but i was kind of squeaking at him like i was wounded

TOTALLY WORKED TOO

he started to fight me less and i started petting him and then eventually we were buddies

but then i woke up this morning

AND HAD BITE MARKS IN MY ARM

WAS IT REALLY JUST A DREAM??????

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THE END

?

 Stefan:  you shitting me?

bite marks?

for real?

 me:  everything was real except for the bite marks

 Stefan:  that is a rad dream

I think it's a good sign dave

I think it's a very good sign

things are looking up for dave gulbis

 me:  i don't know, it felt weird, it was really violent but i remember in the dream when he was biting my arm thinking "there is no pain, nothing can hurt you"

which was kind of intense but definitely felt cool

 Stefan:  it's good very good

 me:  i mean i had a dream where i wrestled a fuckin wolf

 Stefan:  anyway I've been off work for five minutes but stuck around to hear the end of your dream

now I'm out

 me:  hahahahahahaha

 Stefan:  I'll try to find you a robe

 me:  thanks stefan!

 Stefan:  lates

 me:  oh no, i still have other places to try

don't worry bout me, there is no pain

later

hi there

today's dave update

(in an attempt to make up for the last dave update)

will just be a list of things that are great

get ready

get steady

GO

this dude from new zealand named kraus makes awwwwwsummm music

kraus.co.nz/

i know about kraus because of this dude stefan who is also from new zealand and also makes amazing music

he records both under his own name and under the name "pumice"

i recommend "pebbles" by him, one of my favorites

i really like this new band linea aspera too but feel like i'm probably only gonna like them for like a month

when i was younger i watched a lot of comedy central

when it first started up they didn't really have that much content

they had a lot of kind of cop-out shows like "short attention span theatre" and what not

where it was just clips from comedians

while watching one of those shows i saw a woman named maria bamford

who i thought was incredible, so unique and strange but so hilarious

and also in a really honest way if that makes sense?

she was great then

and recently i saw her on an episode of "louie" and was like HOLY SHIT

how did i forget about this amazing comedian?

apparently she did a web-series too

here is a quote about it:

(maybe from wikipedia?)

"The premise of the series was that Bamford had had a nervous breakdown on stage and ended up back in Minnesota living with her parents. Bamford played every role in the series: her mother, father, sister, coworkers, and old high school acquaintances."

i mean clearly this show was made for me

(haven't seen it yet but once i get home you can probably guess what i'll be watching)

i like breaking bad a lot

oh and bob odenkirk

i didn't really like bob odenkirk for awhile, don't know why really

now i LOVE him and his style of humor

and i have a lot of respect for him too, he seems very serious about what he does in a way that i can relate to

like, not over serious like "what i'm doing is GENIUS"

but serious like "hey if we're gonna take the time to do this goofy thing let's do it right, right?"

(i said i relate to that but honestly i wish i adhered to that idea more)

(BUT THIS LIST ISN'T ABOUT ME YOUNG DAVERS)

i like it when my romanian co-worker gets frustrated and starts complaining

i like egging him on too by saying dumb stuff like "what do you expect, this is america"

"go back to russia if you don't like it here"

i probably shouldn't put that on there though because it's not really something that you all can do too

though i'd love if any of you came to my office to heckle my romanian co-worker

let's see what else

oh not to make this like a total new zealand love letter

but there's this animator named len lye whose stuff is amazing

"individual happiness now" people

do you know raymond scott?  my friend stefan reminded me about him recently

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l17kn0WpD2s&feature=fvwrel

how can things be bad?

"little miss echo" exists

i just teared up a little listening to it

it's so calming

LIFE CAN BE LIKE THIS

it can

i believe it

yesterday i was waiting for someone to pick me up at bart and i just started whistling melodies

i usually hate whistling and whistlers

it bothers me

but yesterday it just seemed *right*

ok what else

tadanori yokoo is a japanese animator whose stuff is raddddddd

unwound has a new live record coming out soon

that's exciting

(kind of)

(i mean i don't really care about live records)

aimless walks around san francisco are nice

ok suddenly i just realized work is hectic and i got shit to do

this is a great dave update with an abrupt ending

hi dear readers

i'm going to apologize in advance

having grown up with a very conservative background

both parents and even friends

i can't help but try and find the human aspects in people i disagree with

that's a bit of an overstatement

it's not like i think pro-lifers are aliens or anything

but when someone says "being gay is unnatural"

or "abortion is always wrong"

or "marijuana is a gateway drug"

etc etc

i think it's way more important to listen and understand than just straight up dismiss

i feel the same way about crazy people

who say "my pubic hairs are actually government surveillance cameras"

or "the bible proves that gavin newsom is an elephant"

or "dragons are real, i saw one when i was on mushrooms"

(hey!)

(since this dave update is gonna be a kind of annoying one)

((that's where this long apology is headed in case you haven't figured it out))

(let's have another dave contest)

(i only made up ONE of the above three "crazy" statements)

(if you can guess which one is made-up)

(i will buy you lunch)

(and if you can guess which one MY BROTHER told me)

(i will buy you lunch anddddddd)

(hm)

(oh!)

(a nice scarf)

(lunch and a scarf for both)

(just lunch for one)

(winter's coming people)

(you know you could use a scarf)

so

there's that mourdock guy

who said that rape pregnancies are part of god's plan

and i wanted to write my thoughts about that

even though

in my heart of hearts

i really don't give a shit about this weiner

but for some dumb reason

i want to write this

so

apologies in advance

ok

dear mourdock dude or whatevs

i actually get it

i get your position

i understand that you think god is behind everything

i went to catholic school homey

and i took from catholic school the understanding that

IN MY OPINION

catholicism (and really all religions) are an attempt to comfort

in what is ultimately a random, chaotic, and ultimately meaningless world

i hope that doesn't come off as too rude

in fact i think it's very important to invent your own reason for living

and if religion works for you then go fuckin tell it on the mountain

and knowing a little about catholicism

i get why you attribute rape pregnancies to "god's plan"

you know something else?

hold onto your boots

i think you are right!

if there is a god

and this is a catholic world

and someone gets raped

and the semen from that rapist

fertilizes the egg of the woman who was raped

(or however the bible claims "that whole thing" works)

then yes

if catholicism is the capital T Truth

that baby is part of god's plan

i mean it's like when people get murdered

and the priest tries to comfort the family by saying shit like

"god's plan" and "s/he's with god now"

etc

it's built in the religion

that's where this is different from that whole todd akin thing

todd akin has no basis for his beliefs about rape

other than he feels weird about "that whole thing" and is probably too uncomfortable to learn anything about it

in fact he's probably gay

BREAKING NEWS PEOPLE

todd akin is a giant homo

it's on the internet so it's TRUE

BUT I DIGRESS

back to you

(guy whose name i've already forgotten)

(i keep wanting to say mosurock but that's the "still single" guy)

(hm)

(you know what, fuck it)

(from now on i'm pretending doug mosurock said that quote)

back to you dougie

the thing that you should know

and the reason that a lot of people are right to be pissed at you

is that this whole catholicism thing?

that i totally understand why you are so into and all?

that's something that you BELIEVE

and it's not at all something that i BELIEVE

and when you try and legislate on your BELIEFS

that's the same thing as me forcing you to shave off all of your pubic hair

because i've put a stop to this covert government surveillance program

and you can call that a ridiculous comparison

but it is THE SAME FUCKING THING

that's me trying to legislate my beliefs

(it's true, i totally believe that)

ok

this is already taking too long

i'm totally supposed to work this week

so i guess

this is

good bye

sorry again about this dave update!

hello

when i was in college i worked at blockbuster video for a little while

not really the worst job you could ever have but it definitely was not a good one

FIVE FREE RENTALS A WEEK THOUGH!

boo yahhh

anyways

i worked at like 5 different ones

which is sort of ridiculous but was actually kind of good for me

made a lot more money that way

also when you only work occassionally at certain locations it's a lot easier to steal from there

ha ha

(i'm laughing but it's totally true)

(normally if you get caught stealing it's because management)

(er)

(excuse me)

(MGMT)

(MGMT notices a pattern of stuff going missing on shifts you work)

(but if you don't work there regularly)

((and if you don't steal something EVERY TIME you work))

(you can get away with it)

anyways

the main one i worked at was in scottsdale

and most of the customers were horrible

but there was one girl there named sam

who was going to beauty school

she was a sweetie pie, no doubt about that

i worked with this guy karl

(another example of a person who HATED me upon first meeting me)

(but who i later became good friends with)

(after he realized that just because i dress like shit for my job at fuckin blockbuster)

(doesn't mean i'm a bad person)

we would go and hang out at this place called "jamaican blue"

which was a coffee shop trying to look like a bar

it was actually an cool place though

despite being in the heart of old town scottsdale

i was the oldest of this threesome

(no threesome jokes please)

sam was the youngest

i would have been maybe 20 at the time?

old enough to not care about hanging out in bars any more

ha ha

this is actually true

my brother is two years older than me

and when he turned 21 he got a new id and gave me his old one

i would have been 18 i guess

is that right?

hm

i think so

wait

i would have been 19

so i would have already been in college a minute

and already skilled at sneaking into bars

me and this bulky guy from my dorm would go to bars all the time

he had a fake but never needed it

and i looked probably like 13 but i was with john

who generally was bigger than the door guy anywhere we went

so i'd just walk right in with him

worked more than it didn't believe it or not

it's all about *attitude* kids

if you act like you belong there it's because you DO

this story is getting easily sidetracked

BOY

THERE'S A SURPRISE

ladies and gentlemen i present to you the first ever dave update to go OFF-TOPIC

yeah, i would have been 19 and probably 20 when all this was happening

or maybe 19 because i was still at blockbuster

i was 20 when i started working at that record store

and i know this for sure because when i turned 21

i went to the bar right by the record store

(that i frequented)

and told the door guy

"hey check it out, i finally get to use my real id!"

he did NOT think it was funny

but that's why he's a door guy and not a bartender

ANYWAYS

let me finish this damn story

jamaica blue

we'd go and hang

and some times meet people or bring friends

you all understand what "hanging out" is right?

sure

there was one girl though who was friends with sam and even younger than her

she was nice but shy

as are most young people hanging out with significantly older people

ok

now finally we're getting to the reason that i wanted to write about this

because i'd TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT

until suddenly here at work i was like

"wait, did that happen???"

i don't know what brought it up

but this young girl who was nice but shy

asked me to go to her prom with her

i don't actually remember her name!

but i didn't actually go to my school's prom

(cuz FUCK PROM that's why)

(i got high with my friends instead and went to all the afterparties)

(NOT wearing a tuxedo)

(in yr face high school)

so i went but with some reservations

i remember being worried that she would think it was a date

or that her friends would be horrible

but honestly all i really remember was looking uncomfortable in the picture

and having an ok time

but like we stayed at prom for like a minute

and then i think i even just dropped her off at a party or something?

i remember going home and thinking "that's it?"

hm

i thought this story would have a bit more juice

but apparently

this is it

that's all folks

please head calmly and in single file

to the exits in the side and rear

thank you for choosing the dave update today

hi there

tonight i got distracted by the internet

and found one of those sites where it's just a bunch of internet multi-player games





it had a game that is just a take off of win lose or draw

for those of you WEIRDOS

who don't know WIN LOSE OR DRAW

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

don't make me grab the hose

get off of my front blog you little brats

ANYWAYS

if you don't know the rules

they give you a word or a short phrase

and you have to draw it

so that people can guess it

and get points

if you get the most points

the acne vanishes from your face and all the kids at school think you are cool

i assume so at least because it was definitely only kids playing this game


i know this because i spent like the last 2 hours playing

instead of drawing the word though

i'd play word association

and then draw the word the original word made me think of

like i got "mall" so i drew a pretzel and a pizza and an orange julius

there's a time limit too which makes things more fun

because if you guess the word the clock stops

but if you don't all the kids just (type-)shout the wrong word

usually spelled wrong

followed by "??????" and "lolwtf???"

oh ps kids seriously write that shit!

like lolwtf and what not

8 yr olds and 34 yr old internet programmers speak like the exact same lingo

it's creepy

it's also creepy how self-conscious kids are!

like any time a kid draws something that no one gets they're instantly like "OMGsosorry!!!!!!!!!!"

kind of sad actually

after awhile i noticed that i would finish the drawing before the time would go out

so i'd just type out the explanation

explanation?

that word never looks right

KEEP MOVING DAVE YOU'RE ON A ROLL

ok dave

i'd type the explainatioanioonano

as though the kids were stupid for not making the connection

like once my word was "picnic"

so i drew a girl with a ponytail crying

and then typed "i don't eat applesauce any more because my dad made me eat applesauce off his penis when we were having a...."

kids are smart though too, they catch on quick

like i did this one drawing

the word was "gardener"

i drew a picture frame

then i drew a man and a woman hugging in the picture

and then i drew a lightning bolt separating them

and wrote "my parents got a divorce because my dad was banging the...."

instantly someone typed "gardaner!"

"oops gardener lol"

come play with me sometime

this has been the dave update

hello

weird day yesterday

weird year

i remember in january

talking with people and telling them that this was the first time

i've ever actually looked forward to the new year

i feel like a lot of people agreed with me

because 2011 was such shit

but it's turning out that 2012 has not offered the lightning fast recovery economists hoped for

(been watching too much of this election bullshit this week)

(which is especially weird because i definitely don't give a shit about politics any more)

last night was surprisingly cold

and sometimes if i get really stoned i forget about things like weather

and last night i got really stoned

and didn't realize how cold i was

until i just started shaking

i just googled uncontrollable shaking right now

and yahoo answers seems to think it was probably a panic attack

either that or hypoglycemia

which is probably spelled wrong but who cares

mis-spelling medical terms doesn't bother me in the slightest

anyways

i grabbed some blankets and what not but couldn't really warm up

so i just went to bed

i thought about dying, as though maybe it was something i could will myself into

and then i had a dream where two of my teeth turned inexplicably green

there is sound in my head, always

it's been there all my life

but lately it's so much louder and more beautiful and more difficult to ignore

sometimes i just stare at nothing and listen to it

maybe somehow i can just dissolve into it

so i'll just be a realized and perfectly tuned or perfectly atonal version of sound

that only the insane can hear

...

this has been a confusing dave update

hello dear readers

it's me, dave!

how have you been

it's been a minute since we last "hung out"

how're things?

cool

oh me?

i'm fine

you know

life and what not

staying busy

sort of

i got this zit in an uncomfortable place yesterday

no no

nowhere like THAT

you pig you

it's like underneath my nostril

not like underneath

like in between my nostril and my plain ol face

see it?

i kind of scratched it off already so it just looks red

that's not gross!  shut up

don't make fun

no i do that all the time

after i got that MRSA infection

any sort of blemish or whatever

i open it right up

it sounds gross but i can't deal with it any other way

just makes me too nervous

you didn't know i had a MRSA???

where have you been buddy?

well i mean i didn't like advertise it or anything

it doesn't matter

you look good though!

this weather huh?

so nice

although

well

this is gross

ok

so yesterday i was out for a bit of a stroll

cuz it was so nice out

but suddenly i just HAD to poop

you know how sometimes it just sneaks up on you?

it just snuck right up on me and i was too far from home

so i went to a nice hotel

that's my favorite bathroom trick

bars or hotels will always let you use their bathrooms

(just don't ask, duh)

and hotels usually have nice bathrooms

so i went into this nice hotel and AHEM

dropped a deuce

but i sat up afterwards and went to flush

RED!

red in the toilet bowl

looked like blood

i FREAKED THE FUCK OUT

and then it started flushing automatically

because you know

those sensors or whatever?

like i said

hotels have nicer bathrooms

anyways

while it was flushing

i noticed that there was a tampon in the bowl too

so either someone couldn't find the ladies room

or the woman i ate for lunch was having her period

ha ha

bah dum ching

that's a joke at the end but it's a true story

not even the grossest thing i've seen lately

ok

ok

you're probably gonna not want to talk to me any more

and i probably shouldn't be telling you so much gross shit right now

i mean we haven't hung out in awhile

i don't want you to think

"dave has CHANGED"

"all he does is talk about gross shit now"

"i don't like him any more"

it's just that gross things have been happening

both to me and AROUND me

so this one has kind of a one two punch

i was walking up 16th the other day

and there's this place where the homeless usually congregate

there were two people there

a skuzzy lookin dude

and this woman with this long button down shirt

like not THAT long but just below her waist

they were just hangin

and then this woman grabs a tissue

OFF THE GROUND

on 16TH STREET

and blows her nose with it

and just tossed it back on the ground afterwards

see now that alone grossed me out

but people don't think it's that gross of a story

BUT THEN

realizing dirty ass used floor tissue didn't quite do the job

she grabbed one of her shirt tails and wiped her nose clean

that's when i realized

that shirt was all she was wearing

ewwwwwwwwwwwww

homeless vagina is not a pretty sight

i hope that's one of my search keywords this week

ok

well i gotta go

i gotta enter this order and then i'm going to the park

to record a video to my youtube channel's sole subscriber

good seeing you though!

let's hang out soon

if only so i can like shower and prepare a bunch of stories about not gross things for you

bye punkin

this has been the dave update