hello

sorry

did i wake you?

my bad

i'm just excited

i'm pretty sure i just performed a successful dental surgery

on MYSELF

YEAH

I KNOW

I KNOW

i know anyone reading this is probably thinking

HEY DAVE THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A GREAT IDEA DUDE

and you know what?

first things first

don't call me dude dude

it's only funny when i say it

BUT IN ADDITION

when i say "dental surgery"

i don't mean anything involving powered drills or

or

or other things dentists use

oh!

water pics!

water picks?

water pix?

hm

unfortunately probably that last one

by dental surgery

i mean

spending like the past 72 hours

brushing flossing and even rinsing with HYDROGEN PEROXIDE

(read up on it apparently it works)

because my teeth felt really gross

and every time i go to the dentist i feel like it's a total crock of shit

and LET ME TELL YOU YOUNG DAVERS

it IS!

my mouth has never felt cleaner in my life!

and i paid NOTHING

well

i paid like $20

for hydrogen peroxide

(ps thinkin bout dying my hair)

(i mean i have the supplies and i used to be blonde)

(so i can just say)

("yeah i don't know i mean i used to be blonde")

("maybe i'm just, you know")

("changing")

...

i hope the italics saved that joke

that seemed like a good start but boy did that one flop

OK

JEEZ

all i'm trying to say is that my teeth feel cleaner than ever

so don't go to your dentist any more

that's a gyp

hm

that's a bad deal

(still convinced gyp is a racist term)

(LONG TIME DAVE UPDATE READERS WILL GET THAT JOKE)

(AND IF YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM THEN YOU NEED TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK)

(CLASS DISMISSED)

ugh

this dave update feels annoying

EDIT:

dave edit

for the record

i mis-spoke

i did not spend $20 on hydrogen peroxide

i bought toothpicks too

i bought other stuff i think too

maybe i just got cash back??

hm

i think i need to double check my bank statement

...

THAT JOKE'S NOT FUNNY

this dave edit was brought to you by "thatjokesnotfunny.com"

thatjokesnotfunny.com

tune in saturdays for "no significa no"

keeping you up to date on what is and is not

a funny rape joke

hm

this dave edit may generate some letters 

ok people

until is a word

some people shorten it to til

some OTHER people change it to till

those OTHER people don't seem to realize

that they are ADDING A LETTER

because untill is NOT A WORD

hey!

you OTHER PEOPLE

are FUCKING MORONS

GET IT TOGETHER!

this has been some dave tough love

sorry it had to come to this

but enough is enough!

hey there

been a new order kinda day on my end

mostly "leave me alone"

but now i'm on some new order youtube playlist

"true faith" is playing right now

hm

i guess maybe i don't feel like talking?

life is too weird for me lately

let's write a joke, right now

what should it be about?

maybe supermarkets?

that's a funny word

not like literally funny but more phoenetically fully

phoenetically is maybe not a word but even if it is it's definitely spelled wrong

ANYHOO

i used to think that the day would never come

i'd see the light in the shade of the morning sun

i think the hardest thing to understand as a "creative person"

is that no one really actually gives a shit about what you are doing

like you have to reach an improbable level of success

before people are actually like, on your side

complete strangers have to know your name and know that they like you

before you can reasonably expect to have even the slightest eyebrow raise's worth of attention

eyebrow raise's??????

what the hell is that

cmon dave

get it together

this is for real though

i feel like i often exaggerate but this is a real thing

everyone that i know who is creative

either has had to learn

or has YET to learn

that no, they are not special for coming up with whatever bullshit they came up with

(and if you're in that latter category good lord i don't envy being you)

(you are a ticking time bomb to BUMMERVILLE)

let's actually talk about this more

i'm talking to you young davers

we've got another dave contest here today

either in the comments or via e-mail

(no phone calls for this one please)

(unless i figure out how to record them)

(oh!)

(maybe we can skype)

(and record that)

ihateyourartschool at gmail

but tell me about the first time that you realized no one gave a fuck about what you were doing

the story that jumps to my mind is kind of ironic actually

because it was actually about a great show that this band i was in played

it was in high school and my friend was having a party

to raise money to build a mini-ramp in our other friend's backyard

maybe i've told you about this before?

we called it "ramp jam 2000"

but while we were playing people were going nuts

like, never in my life have people danced to the music i was playing

save for this ONE TIME

i think that's accurate

i mean no one dances to hiss & hum, obviously

doesn't mean they're not into it, it's just not dance party stuff

maybe people danced to this indie pop band i was in

but either way

i'd never in my ilfe had such a positive reaction to music i'd been playing

so after i finished up i was like

"cool, i'm gonna go chat some people up"

"this party is MINE now, i was in that great band that everyone loved"

let me tell you young davers

just because you are in the AWESOME BAND

playing at the AWESOME HOUSE PARTY

that doesn't mean that ANYONE IN ATTENDANCE

really gives a SHIT ABOUT YOU

i made no friends that night

and almost got arrested

that's a whole other story though

one for another day

anyways

i forgot the point of this story

and who cares anyways

i am over this dave update

why write one anyways??

yesterday's dave update was good enough for like a month

see you bitches in october

this has been the dave update

hey y'all

something doesn't make sense here

how in the fuck did all these libyans find out about this innocence of muslims movie??

i mean shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

like, i can't get anybody to pay attention to the shit i do

and the shit i do is waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy better

than this innocence of muslims movie

like for real

if it wasn't explained to me that that trailer was somehow supposed to be a depiction of the life and times of some sort of prophet

i would have had no fuckin CLUE what was going on in that thing

mohammad was a prophet or something right?

mo-mo?

i call him mo-mo

he hates it but i don't care

i mean how do you say no to mo-mo?

today i have not had very good willpower

in addition to mo-mo

i also could not resist buying "pretzel nuggets" after work

i live right next to the mall

fuck you

don't judge me

only mo-mo can judge me son

ok but for real.

was this movie released???

how do people even know what this movie is called???

the video that sam bacile posted is called

"mohammad movie trailer"

(i wonder if i'm gonna get hella hits from typing that)

SOMETHING DOESN'T MAKE SENSE HERE!

do muslims just like constantly google "mohammad movie trailer"???


is the entire muslim population very excitedly anticipating a movie about mohammad?

if so I CALL THAT SHIT HOLLYWOOD

that idea is MINE SUCKAS

if you post something on the internet

it's the same thing as mailing it to yourself

I'MA BE RICH BABYYYYYYYYYYYYY

that movie is gonna make so much money, like WAY more than passion of the christ

lick a dick mel gibson

melly-mel

ha ha

melly-mel

melly-mel meet mo-mo

mo-mo meet melly-mel

this dave update has it all!

i hope people find this one through google cuz it is WAY better than the casualmeetup.com one

i love this dave update

this has been my favorite dave update yet

hi there

two new search keywords this week:

"how can you be dave in the update?"

"how to be dave in the update"

what on earth do you think these people were searching for?

please post in the comments

if you found this blog by searching for either of the above phrases

let me know what you were looking for

this is a real head-scratcher

this has been a head-scratching dave update

listen to me honey

we can ride a horse

SEXY MOVIE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kf44rky3SNc&feature=relmfu

this has been the dave update

hi there

one thing today i think

might turn into a long thing though

the more i think about it the more stories i have to tell

sooooo

when i was younger i used to write a lot more

i wanted to be a writer, i wanted to write screenplays actually because i figured i'd never be able to make a movie

mostly my parents advised me against that, they told me to look at movies as a "hobby" and think about what you REALLY want to do for a living

but really all the things i wanted to do were hobbies

i loved writing, i loved making music, i had all these ideas for movies

not like "wouldn't it be cool if king kong fought godzilla" ideas

but like both ideas for scripts and ideas for shorts

i remember i wrote 50 pages of a sci-fi-ish idea

(that wasn't really very good)

(about a man who controlled the flow of electricity with a giant machine)

(mostly i just thought it would be cool to make the giant machine)

(and also to have someone controlling the giant machine during the whole movie)

(i can actually still see both the machine and the angles i wanted to use while shooting it)

(the machine basically looks like a giant synth)

(of course)

(with knobs and patch cables and what not)

(i wanted one shot from the top corner opposite the machine)

(and one a kind of panning-POV shot from the control panel)

(one above and one beneath)

POINT BEING

i liked to write, whatever

a lot of young people do

a lot of young people also have english teachers who encourage them to pursue writing

you can group me in with that bunch as well

i wrote and wrote and finally started sending stuff to literary magazines that i knew of

some kind of cold submissions, some stuff i'd send to magazines i liked already

but never got a single response

after about 8 or 9 years of sending stuff out

(after like the first couple years i'd really only send out like one or two things a year)

i gave it up

since in all that time i'd only ever received one response

(a rejection obviously)

somewhere in there i'd started to actually play more music too

i mean i was already recording music on my own

but i looked at it more as a hobby than anything

finally someone asked me to help set up a show for julianna barwick

i wonder if julianna barwick googles herself?

hi julianna!

you may not remember me personally but i bet you remember playing on a bus

with deth box and diarreha til you die

that was a weird night huh?

still fun though

i was having trouble filling the bill

and i was also playing with my roommate's loop station a lot

so i decided, fuck it, i'll play too

just so we have more bands i guess

i threw together a little tape of old recordings to give away

MAAAAN i knew this one would turn out to be really long

so anyways

i played that show

a couple friends gave compliments

one guy kind of made fun of me

but whatever he's an asshole anyways

also kind of a perv too

if you believe rumors

i guess there are rumors about me too though so maybe i shouldn't judge

anyways

i gave away the tapes, don't really think anyone listened to them

put out like 3 or 4 more tapes after that

some people talked to me about them, some didn't

sent some copies out for review but never got reviewed

ALTHOUGH

foxy digitalis and animal psi actually did review a tape that jacy put out

that is a split tape from me and him

that was cool

ANYWAYS

long story even longer

i uploaded a few videos this weekend

of the video stuff i've been working on

and i LOVE doing this stuff

and i LOVE the results too

i mean not everything looks great but i still like to watch them

but any time i get excited about something new that i'm working on

there is ALWAYS the frustration of

"just cuz you build it doesn't mean anyone will give a shit"

and i'm happy to finally be in a position where i can kind of understand why people don't give a shit

and to not let it get to me too much

but it's still a little annoying when

you tell your friends about something you've done that you're excited about

and not a single damn person checks it out

i hope no one thinks i am passive-agressively writing this update to like

call them out

"yo brah you didn't watch this thing i made so i'm gonna write a really long dave update all about how much i hate you but still act like everything's cool if we hang out in person"

HEY

everything's cool

check out what i do or don't

it's up to you and you've got your reasons for either one

i'm just giving voice to something that bothers me

because i find when i do that it doesn't bother me as much

so there you go

ok

i think that's all?

hm

yup

that's all

still feel good

despite how this update may sound

this has been a deceptive dave update