hellllllllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooo

i am in a weiiiiiiiiiiiiiiird mood

very distracted

i feel like maybe i have a lot to say but don't really know or care about any of it enough to actually devote any analysis to any of it

like when you go to a buffet and think

"oh that looks good"

"oh that looks good"

"oh that looks good"

and then you get to the cashier and you realize there's nothing on your plate

WOW I JUST CAME UP WITH THAT SHIT!

holy hole-y baloney chonies

oh jeez these weird dave updates are the WORST

hey i wanna go out of town this week

if you are reading this and would like to host me please get in touch

and we'll make that shit HAPPEN

probably not a great idea to put that out there in the middle of a weird dave update

because i'm sure everyone who reads that will think

"yeah, i really want this guy to come over and talk to himself on my rug"

but WHAT THE FUCK EVER

OK

hey here's something

don't join facebook

like, last month or something

after deleting my account like 2 years ago

suddenly BOOM

it's just BACK

as though i never left

if anyone from facebook is reading this

it is totally unacceptable for a company your size//level of incomprehensible influence to not have a phone line

i mean i've had a hell of a time trying to fucking E-MAIL YOU

if you have facebook, take my dave challenge

log-out

and try to contact them

it's very difficult if you don't have an account!

i've tried several variations of "reporting a bug"

they make you jump thru all kinds of hoops before you can just tell them what the problem is

and you will never ever ever hear a response

i'm actually considering driving down there

but honestly the thought of it upsets me so much that i'm worried i would bring a weapon

like a big honkin bat

and i would be famous for being that crazy guy who smashed a bunch of cars in facebook's parking lot

the surveillance footage would probably go viral

because i would definitely bring a boom box

and some tall boys

and probably take my shirt off too

god the more i type about this the more i think it's a great idea

ok that's enough

i don't know where any of this shit is going

i don't even remember what i've just written

this has been the dave update

hello again

young davers

here's another joke for you

hm

ok

here we go

this is a new "idea"

which means i don't really know if it's funny or not

probably isn't yet

ok

my sense of humor is maybe a little weird

sometimes what i think is funny just bums people out

the other day i was talking to this girl

who was telling me about how she'd gotten up early that day

and had gotten no sleep the night before

but she still felt really energetic

and full of verve

(she actually didn't say "full of verve")

(to her discredit)

so i replied

"yeah"

"sometimes life doesn't make any sense"

she looked at me as though i was having some sort of a personal tragedy

but really all i was trying to say was like

"sure, life's weird, can i just get my croissanwich or what?"

"y'all do still serve breakfast all day right?"

ok

i have to poop

but i feel like this update is a gyp

since that's not a brand new joke

i'm gonna try and write one while pooping

BEE ARE BEE

ok back

the one i came up with is so horrible

i'm going to write it

and then read it

and then probably delete it

after i confirm that it's for sure stupid

ok

i like getting older, i feel like the older i get the less stupid shit bothers me

also i feel like i believe in less stupid shit as i age

maybe that's why i have more irregular bowel movements now

because i'm getting less comfortable being totally full of shit

WAKKA WAKKA

ok i'm not deleting it but i'm never telling that one again

that's been your wakka wakka moment of the day

and this has been a so-so dave update

please be patient with us as we return to form

hi everyone

WOW

it's been awhile since i've done one of these

a LOT has changed recently

for one

i am unemployed as a mutha fucka

510 575 HISS if you have a job offer

also i still really don't have a lot of phone numbers

marissa magic i'm looking at you

sorry to call ya out by name but there ya go

i'm gonna go eat right now but i wanted to write something first

because i've been doing stand-up again but have trouble remembering jokes and what not

so i thought to myself

"i should write these down or something"

but then i thought

"nah"

"but i still should like, write something"

...

and here we are

...

that's honestly my thought process

sigh

ok

well i want to write more jokes

so now i am toying with the idea of coming up with a joke right now

oh!

ok

i'm gonna take another pass at a joke that nick stone sort of wrote?

this is more complicated than it sounds

(sorry again to call out nick by name)

 i said something true

and then nick said that's a funny joke by itself

then he put it together

and i said it was just ok

so here's my attempt at it

which i am doing RIGHT NOW

THE DAVE UPDATE

YOUR HOME FOR REAL TIME CREATIVITY

i'm unemployed right now

i know i seem very hire-able

but yesterday i tried to write a dozen punch-lines for the following set-up:

"i lost my job recently, my boss and i had a difference of opinion"

i was gonna perform at an open mic

and i thought it would be funny to tell the same joke 12 times

but

i only wrote 2

and then i fell asleep

and slept through the open mic

hm

STILL NEEDS WORK NICK

my boss and i had a difference of opinion

he thought i was supposed to be a sales rep

and i thought my desk looked better as a blanket fort

my boss and i had a difference of opinion

he thought the work day started at 9 am

and i think it's unethical for anyone to be at work while mcdonald's is still serving breakfast

my boss and i had a difference of opinion

he thought a professional appearance was important

and i think bermuda shorts look dope

my boss and i had a difference of opinion

he thought a mascot was not really necessary for our company's image

and i thought it'd be ok to just go ahead and order a live tiger

my boss and i had a difference of opinion

he thought i should be a more aggressive sales person

and i actually thought i was the receptionist?

my boss and i had a difference of opinion

he thought the workplace should be a safe place, free of harassment

and my lawyer has advised me not to finish this set-up

HALFWAY THERE

this dave update has been naming names