HI EVERYONE

I FEEL LIKE I JUST DID THIS

BUT MY PHONE BROKE AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET MY CONTACTS OFF OF IT

SO PLEASE TEXT YOUR NAME TO 510 575 HISS

THANKS

THIS HAS BEEN A DAVE ANNOUNCEMENT

hi y'all

what's SHAKIN

FACON BACON

feelin' grand this evernang

i have two thoughts i wanted to share

ONE!

i had a tv show idea awhile ago

called STREET SMARTS

that was all shop-lifting tips

i never got around to doing it

OBVIOUSLY

but i've been re-evaluating the idea

...

well

i'll be honest

i came on here to talk more about this idea

but right now i don't really want to

i don't know why

but something's going on

WHATEVER

nothing bad or anything

just still

processing

the idea

also i'm kind of too tired to talk about it

WHY AM I STILL UP

who can say

ok

2?

hm

what was 2?

oh dern

i don't know

oh!

it was about having a plant

i don't know why but i really love having this plant

herbie

herbert paco the pervert taco

(that's an amalgamation of like 4 different name ideas)

(from different people)

(amalgamation?)

(just keep writin maaaaaaaan)

hm

OK FUCK THIS I'M TOO TIRED

later kiddies

kiddies?

ew

later?

BAH

good bye friendly readers.

this has been an odd dave update

hello

being unemployed is awesome

yesterday i fell asleep with one of the cats on me

and i woke up with a different cat on me

being able to out-nap a cat

is a serious fuckin merit badge

BLACK DIAMOND SHIT RIGHT THERE

this has been a dave update

hi guys

so

listen

i'm quitting this whole pope thing

andy just told me that i guess there's a black guy in the running???

i don't know who's gonna vote for me instead of a black guy

so i'm withdrawing from the race

good luck black guy

BLACK!

POPE!

BLACK!

POPE!

this has been a dave endorsement

HI GUYS

the pope is retiring

people are wondering who the next pope should be

my thoughts?

give me the job

here are my qualifications

- i'm not 100000000 years old

finally the church can cut back on their holy adult diaper budget!

- went to a catholic high school

so i know that going to a catholic high school fuckin' SUCKS

AND

i have some great ideas on how to fix that!

idea #1

how 'bout we cool it on all this god stuff???

BOoooooo-RINGggggggggggg

- I DON'T MOLEST CHILDREN

have any of the other candidates even talked about this yet?

NO

BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL CHILD MOLESTERS

- i don't believe in god

now, i know what you're thinking

how can we elect an athiest to be the next pope???

well

since i don't believe in god

that means i'm UNBIASED

and it's about time we got all these special interests//lobbyists out of the church!

you hear that "god"???

A D'ESTROYER PAPACY IS NOT FOR SALE

NOT!

FOR!

SALE!

NOT!

FOR!

SALE!

- would abolish church

BOOM

vote d'estroyer for pope

i'm dave d'estroyer and i approve this dave update

hi everyone!

been a minute

i've spent the last 30 minutes thinking about what i would like to eat for dinner

i think i've decided on "something delicious"

seems like a good choice

maybe something with rice in it?

not sure

eggplant sounds good

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

JUST GO GET A PIZZA

that way when you get stranded on a desert island

AS IS INEVITABLE

you'll have plenty of fat to sustain yourself

and you'll be able to die a long boring painful and sunny death

HAPPY, PAPPY?

TOUGH TITTIES KIDDY

WIN OR BE GLUE

this has been a only slightly delirious dave update