hello again

sometimes when i'm at work i just read "random posts" of the dave update

my relationship with myself is probably not unlike lena dunham's relationship with us weekly

because i bet she'd talk nothing but shit about it

but she reads it ALL THE TIME

and hates herself for it

not sure why i'm picking lena dunham here for this analogy

hm

young davers

was that an analogy//metaphor//simile?

I KNOW THE ANSWER

(or i think i do)

(but now i'm second guessing myself)

and if you do too that number again is 510 575 HISS

1st right answer gets tickets to winger, this weekend at sleep train pavilion

ha ha

I WISH

1st right answer gets to share a bottle of wine with me

drinking more wine lately

today i feel a little more crazy than usual

but probably not because of wine

probably because life is hard to understand

and also because apparently ryan gosling wore this same outfit better than me

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW US WEEKLY?

life is not an outfit-wearing contest

siiiiiiiigh

the new year has started with me crying a lot

but not in a sad way or anything

in a "wait, am i crying?  why the hell am i crying suddenly?" kind of way

ugh my hands are so fucking cold in this stupid fucking office

HOPE I DON'T CRY ABOUT IT

siiiiiiiiigh AGAIN

the 301st dave update is nowhere near as good as the 300th dave update

what's wrong with me today?

if you know the answer to that

510 575 HISS

1st right answer gets absolutely anything they want

that doesn't involve me cutting off a body part

that's it, that's my only limitation

i don't want to cut off a toe because you came up with a dumb joke to that question

(but i also totally do want to hear that dumb joke)

(make it funny, bitches)

(that's the name of a game show i came up with)

(competitive riffing)

(that's all i'll tell you for now)

ok

practice makes perfect

but apparently not when it comes to dave updating

this has been an imperfect dave update

hello everyone

been awhile

BUT WAIT

i can explain

for months now i've been wanting to take a picture

of me jumping out of a cake

to celebrate the  THREE HUNDREDTH DAVE UPDATE

WHICH IS THIS ONE

YOU ARE READING

*RIGHT FUCKING NOW!*

i know right?

so exciting al roker sharted

HEY

for the record

i think it's FUCKED that people are making fun of al roker for sharting

i mean COME ON PEOPLE

for ONE

as i have learned as i get older

ADULTS SHIT THEIR PANTS

IT FUCKING HAPPENS

not to me yet

YET

fucking YET

it WILL happen someday

maybe even today

hm

except i don't have to poop right now

WAIT

i don't want the 300th dave update to be a rant about why it's ok for al roker to shit his pants

al

you look great

we love you

and everyone who is poking fun at you will get theirs

(likely by shitting their pants in a particularly embarrassing situation)

(KARMA BITCHES)

been watching a lot of party down lately

KARMA ROCKET

ha ha

you get that reference if you have been watching a lot of party down lately

OK

so i wanted to take a picture of me jumping out of a cake

but shit was like, too much work

ughhhhh

workkkkkkk

grosssssssss

so instead i'm gonna just tell my new favorite joke

BUT STAY TUNED

because it's my 300th dave update

BUT YOU GET THE PRESENTS!

why?

BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING GENEROUS MOTHER FUCKER

THAT'S WHY

FUCK!

i mean why even ask that question????

now you're making me feel weird for giving you all shit for free

like it's like a weird thing to do

like when you're at a restaurant and you're like

"hm maybe i'll try a little ketchup on my eggs"

and the person you're eating with is like

"ew, why?"

and you're like

"oh ha ha um i was just kidding"

"gross, right?  wouldn't that be um, gross?"

but SECRETLY

you thought it might be good

GUESS WHAT YOUNG DAVERS

it IS good

and i'm giving you presents

AND DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

don't interrupt either

so many people keep interrupting me lately

and i've decided i'm gonna call people out on it

and i'm gonna call people out on it

by saying this:

"HEY!"

"i'm dave d'estroyer"

"shut the fuck up"

"cuz i got some brilliant shit to say"

"have you written 300 whatever-yr-stupid-name-is updates?"

"NOOOOOOOOO"

"so put a sock in it mr president"

i hope that's a search keyword

i hope people google "put a sock in it mr president"

and find my blog

i also hope those people are not in the secret service

OK

my new favorite joke

is maybe the second dumbest joke i've ever written

i'm gonna tell the DUMBEST joke first

even though it doesn't really work as well in text

it still works sort of i think

"i wonder if the people at NPR's All Things Considered"

"have ever considered replacing the horn sounds in their theme song"

"with fart sounds"

"because technically that's a thing"

"and i really think they should consider it"

"'hello this is ari shapiro and welcome to all things considered'"

"FART FART FART FART"

"FART FART FART FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT"

"(FART)"

"'but first, this morning's headlines'"

OK NOW THE SECOND DUMBEST JOKE I'VE EVER WRITTEN

"i think it's likely that the day i was born"

"the doctor woke up and thought"

"'i don't know why but i get the feeling'"

"'that today's gonna be a really shitty dave'"

BOOM

TWO DUMB JOKES

for the price of FUCKING NONE

I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 300 UPDATES

YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME

call me today

510 575 HISS

and congratulate me on 300 dave updates

and if you do i will let you know where i am celebrating

and if you join me everything is ON ME

because i'm dave d'estroyer

and i love you

and i have more money right now than i normally do

and i don't really expect anyone to call

but you bet your boots i'll be somewhere

eating mozzarella sticks

and asking people if they know who i am

THIS HAS BEEN THE 300TH FUCKING DAVE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH